Fade All My Life

This year has already been… rather crazy.
I honestly can’t remember where I left off with this, and frankly I’m just going to start where I figure I left off… (I’m already in the blog post thing… to lazy to check mostly).

I completed my NCS/EMG’s. My arms seemed okay, my right arm is starting to regenerate my damaged nerves, which was rather nice news. However when they did my legs, they found abnormalities. Turns out I have nephropathy in both my legs, its worse in my left surprisingly.
The lady who did it didn’t do the entire test like she was suppose too, which in turn pissed off my Neurologist. But he told me his official diagnosis is finally Sciatica with nephropathy, which excuses me from basically any job with physical labor… any physical labor… like walking. It’s rather annoying… but he said we can re-try for Social Security now since I have proof of my diagnosis and such.

I went and saw my primary care doctor as well, turns out I need to go see a cardiologist and see if I still possess my heart murmur… I’m sadly starting to have A typical Chest Pain on the left side of my chest cavity, under my breast. So she stated it was a big deal… she basically disproved all my theories. It can’t be my meds because if it was, I’d have it all the time, it can’t be my lungs because it would hurt to breathe… she talked about it being a GI thing. Sadly due to the fact I’ve never had acid reflex, heart burn, or any of that, it’s probably not within the GI spectrum.  So she was kind enough to write me a recommend to see a family doctor of sorts. He took care of my father and grandparents… he also took care of some of my mothers family. So I trust him to do a good job, he personally called me as well, we talked about everything and I got in almost immediately, so hopefully my appointment goes well.

My psychologist and I have been starting to make plans with each alter, to try and help me achieve co-consciousness. Vera and I have already obtained it, but my psychologist said she wasn’t surprised it was Vera… she seems to have the most power within my system. Xero and I can sort of do it, however when his paranoia or anxiety spike… it doesn’t work well at all. Una and I are almost there… but that’s about it.
It will be hard for Alice… but Rina especially, she is the victim after all, so I’m not entirely sure how to start… or even where.
Lucy will be…. difficult, but my psychologist thinks it might be easier then I think… I really hope so.
Hex will be hard for me… I’m not the social butterfly he is.
Rin will be tough, but with work I believe we can. We sadly have a few issues to work out from not only the past, but her own issues.
Z will be easy… just convincing him is the challenge.
I’m hoping after we achive it, I will be strong enough to finally have some of my locked up alters back with the others. I know they hate it in there, and I honestly wish I didn’t have to keep them all there…. however I’m not strong enough to handle them.

I do speak to them, and I’m well aware of Khala being rather angry with us all, however Rok and Ray seem to be speaking to me about plans and stragies that will help them function within the current system… even that Ray is a sex addict, she seems to be extremely attracted to my husband… so that’s at least a good thing.
Rok is just trying to stay calmer now… we’re still trying to figure out what made him snap, what turned him from a gentle soul to an angry spiteful creature. He has stated he wants to remain in lock up until he and I figure it out… I thought it was rather mature of him. Gor will sadly never change… he already stated that. However hopefully in the future we can overcome it.

I’m just hoping all in all things will work out better this year… however already I’m starting to realize what it’s like to pay off your deductibles… it’s painful.



For the last two weeks, I’ve been in quite a bit of pain. It’s been effecting everyone… including my service dog. He’s been tasking non stop, causing him to become stressed. I haven’t been able to make appointments, get out of bed…. it’s just been slowly degrading.
I have some help, but sadly he doesn’t understand entirely.
Today has been the lowest point… I’ve thought about death, I’ve felt suicidal feelings. That darkness slowly creeps into your mind and taints your thoughts.

The pain doesn’t help… it’s radiating from my back, but everything is pulsating. I feel like I’m dying a slow and agonizing death.
Una and Vera are doing what they can to pick up extra, Rina, Xero, and Rin are unstable; so it’s been hell. Z is helping with Xero, Hex is helping me with Rina and Alice… poor Alice is already overly stressed by everything.
Emily is currently sedated by Alice, she went berserk yesterday… so it’s been an ongoing struggle. Lucy is useless… but that’s only because of her narcolepsy. Rin is currently being watched by Z as well, he seems to be really good with Xero and her… it’s helpful.

I’ve already gone off on two people for the stupidest things… I just… everything is so messed up right now.


Apologies… I’ve been extremely busy with doctors and such.

We finally saw Gail for the first time in almost 6 months, the moment she hugged us, we sobbed. It was one of the best relieved feelings I had, I sadly convinced myself she would abandon us, but everyone kept reassuring me she would never do that.
We didn’t get into to much, we mostly talked about how the last few months have been extremely difficult. The breakdowns, the medication struggle, etc.
I think it was just nice we all got to speak with her.

My health has been up and down sadly, somedays I feel great… but others I feel like I’m trying to carry a bolder. I know part of the issue is my depression, however my body physically feels like garbage as well.
I feel terrible… like I’m really a worthless wife. I can’t do dishes or laundry… or even clean when I feel like that. Instead I can only lay in the bedroom and try not to cry from the pain.
My husband asks me to do things, and I honestly try… I really do. However it isn’t always done, I struggle sometimes. Someday’s I think he understands… others I think he understands, but is still frustrated with me.
I feel like a worthless wife… and a terrible house keeper, even Xero is effected by how I’ve been feeling… so he’s been struggling to help as well. When the body is messed up, everyone feels its effects… not just me.

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep due to a sharp pain in my left side… no it wasn’t near my heart, it was either my stomach or another organ around there… no matter how I laid, it stung. Friday and Saturday night it felt like mini stakes where being driven into my lungs…. so even when I got up to help my mother on Saturday, she even knew I was exhausted.
I’ve been so tired, and in so much discomfort that I honestly can’t believe how long I’ve lived feeling like that… guess I’m one hell of a survivor.
I refuse to go to the hospital or anything, it’s to expensive, plus I’ve pretty sure they would think I’m faking it, or laugh at me… one or the other.
I got my letter to go get my next mammogram, I have to wait until I see my primary care doctor to really get that order.
I’ve debated heavily on seeing my PCP… but I don’t know if that would be smart. It’s hard to get in and see her… plus I’m pretty sure her assistant’s would laugh at me anyways.

It’s sad that people like us, with chronic pain, have to hide it from professionals… especially since they always think we’re either faking or trying to abuse drugs. My… what our healthcare system has dissolved into… I’m lucky enough to have a neurologist who can look at me, and know for a fact 10000000%, I can’t be faking what I’m feeling… he said he’s been a neurologist for a long time, so it’s easy to tell those who fake it, and those who genuinely feel like shit.
Plus if I can, I avoid addictive substances… the fact I agreed to Soma was because I didn’t really have any good alternatives for my muscle spasms… I don’t even take it as much as most would. If it’s a spasm I can withstand I will, there’s no point in wasting medication, because when it gets to the point I have the horrible dibilating ones… I want to feel assured I have the pills.

My lower back is on fire today… hopefully I can find some kind of reprieve soon… I’m just tired of feeling heavy, and feeling like I’m breaking apart.

The Human Stain

We always try really hard to not say anything that would offend someone, it’s hard for most of us to comprehend things, let alone spit out a reasonable response without it sounding wrong.
The day after my breakdown, I had residual effects going. I could hear and see things that where basically my flashbacks bleeding into reality. It wasn’t helping that my husband was at work. So I tried to call a friend, however it seemed he and a few others were playing a video game together…
So I just decided it was better to sit and bare it. My friend ended up calling me back, but he told another friend of mine (one I accidentally said something idiotic too due to not comprehending what he said correctly), which sparked a wave of worry. My messages were…. I guess hard to understand, and he was afraid I was in a dark place (he was right, but you get what I’m trying to say).
I explained my situation, then He handed the phone over to my other friend. I started to sob, saying I felt like an idiot, and that I felt horrible. He told me it was okay, he didn’t care about any of that anymore. All he wanted was to make sure I was safe, so he told me to get into my car with my Service Dog, and head over until my husband could be home with me.
It was hard for them to see me the way I was, body twitching, muttering things to myself (there words). They weren’t quite sure how to help us, all they could do is make sure is we had a safe place… and people watching over us. I cried a few times, but it was okay, they helped me just feel better by telling me it was okay to cry and be afraid, but to remember they where sitting right there with me.
I ended up with free dinner, and we watched something called Harmon Quest, which Emily thought was hilarious.

Then yesterday, I was working on my raised garden bed when my dogs decided to go behind it and mess around. It fell on me, it was extremely painful. Luckily I managed to crawl out and lift it back up with the help of Z.
I began having a mini panic attack, I tried calling my husband but he wasn’t able to answer. So I tried my parents. My mother decided it was a great idea to tell me ‘Well at least you didn’t break both your arms’
Yes… because I would totally be able to get help if I did…
My dad didn’t answer.
So in a panic I kept calling my husband, however finally Alice and Lucy managed to put me to sleep while the rest did damage control. My husband called worried, but after talking with him I felt a little better.
I slept until he got home… then once he was able to calm us all down, I fell back asleep…
I think it’s the most we’ve slept in a very, very long time.

Nervous Breakdown

My new year has been extremely busy. I saw my neurologist, I was put on a new muscle relaxant, had my Gabapentin (or however it’s spelled) upped, and got my NCS/EMG tests scheduled. Then I saw my psychiatrist, nothing really changed there, same day I got my NCS/EMG of my arms.
I have regained and healed quite a bit in my right arm… it makes me extremely relieved. Z has been assisting me in building a standing garden. He’s good with tools and such… so I trust him more then myself with a drill, haha.
However today was… not good.

So I’m sore in general from not only helping my mom clean her floor, but Z tends to be stronger somehow then me, so lifting and moving things didn’t help. Surprisingly he asked my husband for help, though he was pretty course… which is just how he is, my husband said he wasn’t to bad. We’re still working in co-consciousness and how it works… I could hear some of the conversation, but it’s a work in progress.
We were taking a break, so Z went and relaxed in his room. I was enjoying the weather and birds when my whole body just jolted.
I could hear this little girl screaming, she kept saying ‘I’m sorry mommy’ ‘Please mommy, I won’t do it again’ ‘Please no more mommy’ and in between her cries you could hear the slaps. They had to be down the block from me, but the body memories were starting. Alice was doing what she could to close the flood gates, but it’s not so simple.
I came inside, and quickly just went into the bedroom. My whole body just… twitches, it’s the weirdest sensation. You become sensitive to every little touch. Alice, Una and Vera all were having a hard time plugging holes and trying to keep it from happening. However sadly, the flood gates opened.
I kept remembering how I said similar things to my father, and I use to beg my mother to save me… however she was so numbed out that I doubt she even realized it. I started to beg and cry….
My husband heard me yelling, so when he came in and tried to touch me, I screamed at him not too. So he put the blanket over me and kept telling me he was there with me, and I was safe with him. He’s the only person on this planet that can find me within the chaos. His voice is like a beacon for me, if I get lost, he always makes sure I can find my way back.

Alice took that chance and managed to stop the body memories, Una and Vera where doing damage control. I ended up sobbing, it took me a bit to explain what happened, he stopped me when he realized it was starting to trigger me again, and told me that I was safe here, and to try and remain in that moment with just him and I. He said I should take a break from the garden bed, I agreed. I ended up calming down more once he and I spoke with his parents. The fact they love me and accept the fact I have mental illness and physical issues… it’s more then I’ve had. My mother still doesn’t accept my DID fully, she keeps thinking if I calm down, I can just become better. My mother in law actually asked me about it, asked me about good DID books… she wants to understand… she wants to make that effort. Honestly it’s more then I deserve, though if I said that my husband would poke me.
I fell asleep after, it helped my muscle spasms and aching in my legs, however it’s not completely gone yet.

Honestly I just really can’t wait to have Gail back… she returns from her break on the 9th, then we can start making appointments again. She said it will be good to get me back in, sadly much of my progress has disintegrated, but she makes me feel confidant we’ll fix it in no time at all. She really seems to care, she told me if she retires, I would be one of the few she keeps… I don’t know if it’s because I’m that insane or she genuinely understands my abandonment/trust issues… we told her we were afraid she was going to leave us, because I had no insurance. However she quickly explained she wasn’t, and once I had it again, we’d have appointments again. She’s been reinforcing me about it every time we speak… so I guess it’s a good thing.
Besides my small nervous breakdown, I’ve just been extremely tired from running all over, helping my mother, and doing small things for myself. One thing I did promise myself this year was to try and take better care of Us… We all agreed on it, and we all think its a good promise to make.
We still have arguments over wardrobe selections, but sadly I fear that will be common until we get it more… figured out with Gail. Buying a bunch of new clothes just… why…


Truth of My Youth

Holidays have always been extremely hard for us. Having to pretend everything okay, smile and laugh, etc. Playing family is one of our least favorite things to do, however it seems its a must.
This year was hard, my husband is afraid of my mothers dog, we don’t blame him. She almost bit him, then almost bit me while trying to bite him… so I guess you could say she has really bad issues. I understand why she wanted her, however I don’t think it was the smartest idea too. When that dog bites someone, and I really mean when, it will either be someone understanding, or someone who will report them.

After Christmas has been… hard. We’re extremely restless, mostly due to the fact we finally get to go see Gail again next week. It’s been extremely hard not being able to see her since August… so everyone is pretty happy about it. We’re also glad to see our neurologist, he was extremely upset we were denied for Social Security, so he said our plan this year is to get a more defined diagnosis, so they can’t just assume I have diabetes, after they saw I’ve been tested for it a few times…
Our PCP does blood tests every other year to make sure my numbers are okay, she does this mostly because of the internal damage that was done when I was taking the wrong medications… and gained so much weight it did change my body dynamic. She said she wants to make sure I’m not in danger of anything, and to make sure my numbers and such are within tolerable ranges.
Plus my Neurologist does blood testing when he feels it’s needed to make sure my Depicote levels are where they need to be… and he tests for things that could effect my nerves, i.e. diabetes and such.
We’re pretty happy to finally go and get everything done. Having insurance and not having to pay a fortune for medications will be amazing… its been the hardest part of this whole process.

Things have also been starting to even out for us, we stopped trying to please the world, we have began to talk more about taking care of my body, trying to make sure we have things to do and people to talk with. It’s been a slow going process, but it’s starting to boil down to where I have only a few extremely close friends, and that’s all I really need. They will be there for me regardless, they want to see me, talk to me… be there for me. It’s nice, because after so many years of being the only person giving, it’s nice to be on the receiving end.
We all think this year will be better. So here’s to hoping.

See you all next year.

Smile In Your Sleep

The last few nights have been a bit hard. Emily has been extremely restless, getting up multiple times, etc.
Last night was the first night in 3 nights she was able to sleep, so I’m a bit relieved. We’re going to my mothers for Christmas eve, luckily it shouldn’t be to bad. Her and I had a weird heart to heart yesterday, mostly about her living conditions with my brother, and how he treats her, but we also had a nice heart to heart about us, my illnesses and such.
We both cried, it was… interesting.
I’m very proud of her, I just hope she can indeed put her foot down on how my brother treats her… despite everything I’ve been through, she’s still our mother, I want her to have quality of life.

Anyways, this will be extremely short, but I at least wanted to wish you all Happy Holidays, and I hope there wonderful ^_^

From us to you.