Battle Scars

One thing we tend to notice, repeatedly, is that the scars we obtained while fighting this ongoing war are always looked down upon. One thing we really don’t understand is when Politicians and other higher authorities look at people like us, and more, and just stop at a rather hard stigma word…. mentality ill.
We understand both sides of this, trust me. However they seem to be more afraid of us, though most things that are considered fear worthy are caused by individuals who are not like us or like the community we share.
Honestly most of the mental health community still remains in hiding due to this, and thanks to Hollywood’s poor impressions on things like Depression, Anxiety, Bi-polar, DID, and so much more.

We didn’t chose to be like this, nor do we honestly enjoy the negative consequences that come with our break downs or triggering. Luckily, there are people within this community who honestly fight for us every day, and know what there talking about. For instance, Gail specialized in Dissociating, and for years worked with patients with DID, and began to search for more education until she was recognized by the psychological board that she is an expert in DID.
We see her every week, she has fought hard for not only to prove I was discriminated against at Banner Health, but submitted everything she has to the Social Sincerity office to help prove to them I am, sadly incapable of working RIGHT NOW. We and her both believe once I can learn the coping skills to deal with my triggers, and we all can co-exist, we’ll be able to work.
However the downfall is I was tossed around from therapist to therapist, people who didn’t know what the hell they where talking about, and it ended up regressing any progress I had by myself. So we’re all sadly starting from ground zero. Most places in my state discriminate against those who have a service animal for psychological reasons, and have not been in the military (they seem to think you need to be in the military to have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder -_-).
We still try and apply to jobs, despite all this judgemental crap.

The scars we carry are a symbol of survival, who cares if there not ‘pretty’, though most won’t acknowledge this, those like us who have these scars, are indeed fighting the war everyday. It’s a different kind of war, it’s a war only we can see, and feel, and become wounded or killed by.
We have been abused, beaten down, experimented on, attacked, verbally insulted to the point we believe we are scum of the earth, sexually assaulted, raped, and yet we are still standing tall, moving forward… even if we fall back a few steps, we still manage to get back up and keep going.
We have support from very few people, but those people are what keep us from dying, keep us strong, help us up when we can’t stand on our own.
We have battle scars that could scare people, even those who have been in the military… I do. My family member who was in Special Ops and is a Sniper was horrified by what happened to me in middle to high school. He said he would kill them, but I told him what was the point now? 3 are dead from OD’s and suicide, and one is somewhere that I honestly don’t care where.
What’s done is done, all we can do is move forward. We all are fighting a war that most can’t see, but at least we have the scars to prove we survived.

One By One

My freeloading roommate is finally gone, so it’s a bit of fresh air now. My husband and I seem to have much more room now that she’s gone as well.
Turns out Cigna won’t do open enrollment until November…. So I’m stuck. It’s been extremely stressful getting my medications and at this time I’m ill with some kind of upper respiratory thing that I, sadly, cannot see a doctor about. So lots of bed rest, and cough drops.

Before my roommate was sent back to her home via plane, she tried to tell her family my DID was just like Split.
Here’s the thing, I get some people like the movie, and I get that others hated it. However for me, Everything about DID in it, is wrong. You don’t  switch so noticeably that people know, if you where harmful to yourself or others, you would be getting help or locked up sadly, not kidnapping people.
Honestly I could go on and on, but the point was Z lost it, he got up into her face, started yelling how she must be an idiot, etc. My husband had to come home and lock him in the bedroom… She kept thinking I needed to apologize, but I honestly didn’t remember…. Z went rogue.
I tried to say I was sorry he acted that way, but she said it didn’t mean anything. ugh, all I can say is I’m just happy she is gone.

A friend of mine said he will be coming over to start helping every week, helping around the house, giving me money to help catch up on bills, get groceries, etc. He feels guilty because he was the reason we let her stay. However honestly like I said to him, none of us knew she was going to use him, and freeload off us. Sadly we can’t predict that kind of thing until it happens. He keeps beating himself up, but we do what we can to make him feel less at fault.
All of us enjoy his friendship, including Emily. It’s funny, but I’m considered the Mom of my small little friend group, my husband the Dad. Una laughs at me about it, says now I get to see what she goes through jokingly.
Despite the annoyance of basic insurence that doesn’t cover my doctors or any of my medications…. and the stress of trying to get Social Security Disability until I can gain the coping skills to function within a normal job instead of breaking down or being triggered by a sound, smell, or even touch of something….
We’re surviving.

We found a LARP community through an old friend that is honestly fun, and we’re all getting into it. Emily wants to do one even, it’s quite amusing. I hope I keep having fun, Vera and I seem to be tag teaming the Sabbat game we joined, so I have high hopes.
Luckly, it’s once a month, and I should be all better when it comes around haha

Shimmer

I feel sometimes I’m to toxic for people, with alters and on top of that my trust issues run so deep it’s hard to let sleeping dogs lie. I realized this with my dear friend, I said I was having a hard time believing she would indeed return, and she said I flounced her trust into her face and made her feel like our friendship was nothing.

I told her that she didn’t need to say anything else, and that it was apparent I was the toxic one. And I told her goodbye. I love her with all my heart and soul, and I just… lost it.

She called me, and we yelled, cried and talked it out. I felt like a terrible person for what I put her through. But she and I both discussed why I freaked out how I did, and she explained to me in better detail why she had to step back. It was a great weight lifted from me, she told me if I needed her, she is still here for me and will talk to me. The anxiety that swarmed around me finally dissipated, and I felt so relieved I wouldn’t be losing my best friend, my soul sister.

Today I can finally get health insurance that covers my doctors and medication. My special enrollment one didn’t even cover my doctors let alone half my medications (the ones I REALLY need mind you). Thanks to some digging I was able to get my medication manufacturers discount cards. So I was able to just pay a copay and whatever amount the discount card said, for example Relplax is 435$ for 30 pills… with the card I pay 4$. So hopefully I can just get everything back on track, I am going to try and apply for SS Disability, my psychologist agrees I may not be able to hold a real job here, mostly due to the strict standards of a red state. Even if my Service Dog is for Medical Alert, I have been denied job offers because of it. Here people seem to think because I have him, I’m getting off easy or whatever… have about 3 people a month get in my face and say how dare I abuse the system. I guess it doesn’t help that our president thinks people like me should be locked up forever… o well.

Deteriorate

One thing that tends to be a recurrence within my life is how intense things sometimes get… it normally leads to people becoming upset, tears, and honestly? Leaving. When everything seems to fall apart, I always lose at least one person…
Sometimes I wonder if I’m just overly intense to deal with, other times I wonder if it’s just the concept of the fact I have (sometimes) misbehaving alters who end up turning my life upside down for a while.

I lost someone precious to me today, I understand why she needs to leave, I honestly do. She needs to focus on her own mental health, and honestly I’m just making it worse. It’s heart breaking you know?
Losing someone you loved so dearly. But then again, I should be use to this by now. Sorry, that sounded meaner then I meant. Ever since I was young, I lost people one by one. You think, ‘finally, someone who will be friends with me forever’ but it just never works out.
I really don’t get it, but at the same time, I really think it’s because of my alters…

I have 2 suicidal alters, it’s hard sometimes to control them. I think people have a hard time understanding that, but then again, I could be completely wrong, and just assuming things like I normally do.
I can’t help but feel like something is wrong with me, but then again, I guess there is if you think about it logically.
Sorry, I’m pretty messed up right now… guess I can’t make sense.

A Lady’s Due

Our new therapy is going well, we still see Gail along with the outpatient therapy. However as of late, listening to all these people, how high medication levels have done wonders for them, it makes me feel out of place.
I can’t increase any of my medications, nor can I get on medications that are more potent or have higher doses… it would destroy any type of control I have. It’s like Marijuana for me, I’ve tried Indica’s and Salvias (sorry if misspelled), any once of control I lose, suddenly everything becomes a shit show.
Last time I lost my grip, Emily gave us a boxer fracture for punching her hand through a wall, Rina almost successfully killed herself, Xero began to scrub his hands so bad, it made them bleeding and raw….
Control is key, not just for me, but for all of us. They asked about increasing my medications, but I told them if they knew anything about DID like they said they did, they should know why I can’t do that.

The last few suicide attempts I’ve had, have been alter induced. Gail tells me it means that it’s not me who wants to die, but the alter. Rin was responsible for the last one, Rina was the previous ones. It’s hard living with 2 suicidal personalities, especially when one doesn’t act like it, and tends to have bulimic and anorexic issues.
Today I am meeting an old friend I haven’t seen since middle school, I was shocked when she said she didn’t hate me, I was pretty sure everyone did in middle school.
I think it will be a nice change for me, I hardly ever go out and mingle, she is aware of my psychiatric issues since she was part of the ‘Years of Hell’ as we all call them.
We’re all excited, Emily even is, after all she was one of few in the past she liked.

I was suppose to go meet with a school administrator at the college, however my sciatica decided it was not my day. It’s hard to explain that to someone, ‘hey sorry I can’t stand up, so I can’t come’…. most freak out and ask if I need to go to the hospital, but if I did they’d laugh at me. There’s nothing they can do, my Neurologist said once my insurance is back, they have another EMG to do. Apparently it is something to do with my nerves. but they want to refine it now, towards where the disruptions are.
It’s hard, even with my special enrollment insurance, it still doesn’t cover any of my doctors, and only one of my medications; Birth Control.
It doesn’t cover my neuro medications, normal medications, or my psych medications…. it’s kind of upsetting. So I’m trying to find cheaper places for my medications, while I wait for this friday.
Open Enrollment starts finally, and as soon as I’m signed up, it begins. So I will be so happy once all this is over.

 

Evermore

Sometimes things just tend to fail at going right, and when everything crumbles you are left to wonder why. My mortgage company are idiots, they told me they pulled the 500 out of my account, turns out they didn’t.
Come to find this out because they call my father, who is NOT a authorized user on the mortgage.

Next I start to run out of medication I was sure I had enough of in the beginning of August, guess how wrong I was? The medication keeping my night terrors at bay is gone, thus releasing a plague upon my own brain.
Emily has been up every night for hours, trying to let me stay calm… however it takes a toll on my body. Everything hurts, have been having some fits in my legs, no falling just tingling like crazy.

My roommate has been nothing but a burden to me, she had a chance to find a job and help since the end of March… but not once did she find one. She expects me to do her laundry like I’m her mother, and when I cook meals my Husband and I only get less then half since she eats like a pig.
Last night I got none of the dinner I ate because she took so much, that I just would rather my husband had a meal then me. She has told a friend of mine she expects my husband and I to bend and let her stay…

Sometimes, when everything comes to a head and you’re falling down that rabbit hole, you have a moment of weakness. I tried to kill myself, however control was revoked extremely fast, the cuts are not even deep, they look like cat scratches or a cat lunged off me. I understand the significance of what happened, and how it was a horrible moment of weakness. I went and spoke to Gail with my husband, and Gail agreed with my husband that inpatient was not the best option.
Due to where I live, no matter where I go, they don’t believe me when I tell them I have DID. They try and change my medications, and say I’m schizophrenic or bi-polar, they try and keep me there like I’m some lab rat… they do all of this without consulting my husband, who is my POA.
Due to this, my alters and I know how to play the system, we do everything we can to get out before they do more damage to us.
I got the phone call today we are going to try outpatient therapy for dissociation. It isn’t DBT or CBT, I guess its a different type. I’m willing to try it, my husband has agreed he will attend with me, as loved ones are encouraged to be apparent of the therapy.

I had someone I trusted tell me I was very sick, and needed help. I became hurt by this comment, I felt as though she didn’t understand like I knew she did. However I’m starting to wonder if I’m just having an overreaction to it. I understand what happened was not good, and it was not the first time this year it’s happened… however hospitals don’t help me, they can’t change my medications around without severely messing with my system it took me over a year to get on the cocktail I’m on now, and for it to work without causing side effects with my alters.
The last time I was put on medications without someone carefully doing so, I began to have psychotic breaks and hallucinations, so bad to the point my family was afraid of me… my own family.

I just feel like I’m lost within this extremely long tunnel, and all I want to do is find the door, and get back onto my path to recovery. 5 steps forward and 10 steps back suck, but I’m surviving… that’s all that matters.

Very Long, But Needed Update

I have been slacking extremely bad as of late. Sadly there has been so much going on, we are just trying to survive at this point.

I was fired from my job, there first excuse was I was a ‘liability’ because of my back issues (though they hired me, knowing full well WHAT my back issues were…), then when the day of firing came, they made sure to cover there asses.
They said they needed a person who would be on cashier full time, and due to my back issues I would be unable to perform the job tasks….
-sigh- back to square one.

Around this time, I lost my health insurance as well… and due to the fact that the special enrollment doesn’t have anything available that my doctors will take, I am stuck until September open enrollment to get new insurance. Most would probably just say, “well you can find new doctors”, the truth? I can’t.
Finding a psychologist who specializes in DID and disassociation in my state is EXTREMELY rare… the fact I found her is a miracle… then adding on a psychiatrist, neurologist, and a primary care that know and have experience with DID? I found the motherland of miracles, so no… I can’t just ‘find new doctors’.
With all the testing and medications I take, switching and having to go through getting my records moved over, and dealing with the whole ‘Well… you show classic signs of bipolar and schizophrenia… are you sure you have DID?’…. I think Emily would destroy another office -_-

Due to all this happening, I struggled with suicidal feelings, I had a hard time getting out of bed, dressing, I even started to have issues of bulimia like in high school. It started to spiral pretty bad. Luckily my psychologist told me to still call her, so speaking with her has helped. My husband was having a hard time understanding me, so I finally just….. stopped holding back all my emotions.
I told him everything, even things I’ve been having since way back in Idaho. I told him how I felt like I was a waste of space, and how he deserves a wife who can be healthy so she can keep a job. How he deserves someone who is more attentive to him, who does the house work every day, who keeps it up. How I feel like his friends are right, and I am terrible for him, and I will one day ruin him.
How I’ve never felt like I was attractive, and that he would love the skinny me again instead of what these medications have done to me. How I feel like if I was to disappear, people would be able to go on with there lives without having to worry about me, my family can finally be at peace and not need to worry about me. How I wish I could just… be healthy, and not be so sick.
He didn’t even know how to respond let alone express anything on his face. For the first time in my life, I think he really didn’t know how long, and how hard I’ve been fighting the negativity of not only others, but negativity from myself as well. I cried for so long, I honestly have no idea for exactly how long, however my husband just let me, he held me and just…. let me sob. He was very calm, he used a very soothing voice I honestly haven’t heard in a long time, and explained to me how my negative thoughts where wrong, because this was how he really felt. It was wonderful, and it was the first really serious talk we’ve had about my inner most dark thoughts.

I’ve somewhat stablized, they have helped BIG time…. my husband has even recognized how much of a help they all were. I think it was the first time he understood exactly how complicating my system is, but also how efficient it can be when it has to be.
They’ve been getting braver about coming out, I’m kind of happy about that, I just want my siblings and husband to get along… not hate each other.
Emily and Rin seem to be the only ones doing it at this time, I know Alice and Rina will, they love hanging out with there ‘big brother’… can’t tell you how many times that still sends chills, heh.
I’m hoping the others will, I’m pretty sure Una and Vera will still just sit back, they tend to do that…. but it would be nice to see everyone getting along ^_^

Anywho… hurrah for a very long, but needed post. I will be posting more again soon ❤