Tonight is not a good night… the nightmares and night terrors are a little relentless. Even my Service Animal isn’t sure what to do for me but sit here with me on the floor, listening to piano music through my headphones to try and calm my chaotic mind. even my alters seem to be at a loss right now as we’re all having a tough time coping with the fragments.
I never remember my nightmares/night terrors fully, just fragments really. Tonight’s was around the bullying I was going through in grade school.
The chair moving, the taking pictures of me using the restroom, the pushing, the hitting, the acid, the butcher knife, the wiping with wires, the false sleepover invites to chase me into a closet with a butcher knife, the locking me into tiny dark spaces and sadly so much more… All of them where fragmented, but I saw pretty much everything.
I scared my husband when I jolted awake, Emily was yelling and swinging frantically, my dog quickly pressed his body down onto her legs so she realized she was safe. Within seconds I began to cry. He didn’t know what to do for me, he is just sitting here on the couch, I believe watching something on Netflix.

I am trying what the psychiatrist said to try, I eat more, drink less caffeine, fall asleep without the TV on and reading a book (physically book, not an e-book) to make myself tired, but it seems my sleep patterns are just as shitty as ever, I feel there slightly worse honestly.
These cycles of nightmares are rather annoying, there is never a real time line they follow, they just happen for a few weeks then stop for a bit. My dog is extremely comforting, but to be completely honest with you, I am scared to fall back asleep and see all the things I wish to forget… I honestly and truly do.

Its All About Image…

I have never been confident in how I looked, despite what others tell me. I feel I am nothing like other girls. My mother has been calling me fat and ugly since high school, my brother and husband say I shouldn’t listen but… I am not sure if I can’t.
One of the horrible side effects of my anxiety makes me over think everything, 500000000000 times a day, 7 days a week. I think about everything, in every possible meaning and scenario… sometimes I seriously hate my brain.
Khala said if I dressed more girly, maybe my mother would ‘jam a rock in it’ whatever that means. Alice and Emily just hug me, Una and Xero both tell me If only they could see them, then they would never think I was ugly again.

None of my alters look ‘human’, all of them if anything look like, as my previous therapist called it ‘monsters’. However, I myself has never seen them as such, yes, they look a little different, but that doesn’t give anyone a right to call them monsters. My father was a monster, the people who pretended  to be my friend’s were monsters…
If anything, each of my alters represent something I’ve seen at some point in my life, though to be honest, Xero looks extremely similar to slender man and I am not sure how I would of seen that creepy pasta at age 3 to 6…
Una’s body is pale, her face looks like a wolfs except her eyes are wrapped up and she has horns. Her spine protrudes out of her back, making it look like a back piece to a dragon. Her arms and legs are both mechanical, bolted together with long, sharp talons as hands and feet. Her tail is scaled, and the spine still protrudes as it goes down to the scorpion like end.
Xero is a cross between jack skellington and slender man… His face is blank, but the entire thing is black and void of any face. His attire is similar to Jacks, except it looks more like a butlers. His hands are skeletal, with sharp points and he has 4 black tentacle looking things coming out of his back.
Alice is kind of like a water weird from Dungeons and Dragons, she’s basically made of water.
Emily is a phoenix, yes she is a fire bird.
Khala is honestly one that I only figured she was female because of what she’s like, she has no defining female features or genitals. She is white with black stitching, almost as if someone took a bunch of body parts and sew them into Khala. She has draconic wings, and a devil tail, she has curved black horns and very sharp fingernails that seem to change color depending on her mood. The same goes for her toe nails, there sharp, but they change to match her finger nails. She wears a tattered garment to sorta looks like a dress, and has long hair.

I guess we can say there humanoid shaped? But yeah. My current therapist said there forms are what made them more real to me as a child, since they did play with me when I was younger. To me its easier to speak to them in our safe haven when I can look at who I’m talking with.
We write, talk and even draw to communicate… but we always meet together every night at our safe haven when we all sleep, or at least on nights where my nightmares and night terrors don’t cause issues, but even when they do, someone always comes over to help me sleep.

The Things We Fear And Love

Service animals are extremely hard to train when you and your siblings believe in it, but your significant other and family do not. I got into a fight with my husband over it. He said my dog isn’t able to be one, he’s to high strung, etc… he’s the same person who now sadly half time time believes me and the other half doesn’t know how. However, Una suggested I walk him every day, and try to even out some of his energy. It worked well, he seems to be not as high strung, he listens to commands, and all that’s left is bringing him into the community more, so he can learn to co-exist with everyone without being a pest.
I’ve been working on this walking thing for close to about a month and a half, I think Una was right, and if I keep it up, he’ll be so much better.
My mother has never been supportive, she finds my weak points and takes a very sharp pointy thing and jabs you over and over to the point you feel like your dying. Her passive aggressive personality tends to clash with Una frequently.

I’ve been asked a lot why I even have a PSD (Psychiatric Service Dog), I don’t look disabled, and then I’ve had nasty notes left on my car saying “shame on you for exploiting this right.”
When I get stressed, over even the most trivial of things, I rip apart my fingers and pick at my legs. Now, this is not as bad as cutting, but it’s still not good for me. I also cannot be physically alone, I cannot be in a dark room alone, I can’t even sit within total silence, and I have a horrible time coping or handling these situations without him. Then, there’s my alters…

Una is probably the only one who acts mostly like me, just add a higher level of confidence, motherly aspects, takes no shit and a blunt as hell factor, and you have the matriarch of my alters. She isn’t very nice to people in general, she has made people cry, leave, and even cut all ties with me. It isn’t her fault, she’s just protective of me. When I was between 2 and 5, Una was my only friend. I tried to make friends, but I was picked on or had my things stolen, Una was the only one who truly wanted to play with me, and care about me. She was written off as an imaginary friend for a long time, even after Xero.
Una believes the service animal would be amazingly good for the others, including myself.

Xero was the one who always sat with me in the dark, he told me it was okay to feel sad and scared when my father came home, screaming and running into the walls. He appeared when I was between 5 and 7 I believe, he told me it was okay to cry despite what my parents told me, because he won’t tell on me and it was good for me. Xero and Una both became support pillars for me, I would play games and people wrote them both off as imaginary friends.
Xero has a rather interesting curiosity, something I never quite understood. He is fascinated with death, blood, gore, horror… his fascination with the ma-cob tends to get me into trouble, he wonders off into places he shouldn’t be, looking up things, finding things, even asking questions that would make others look at him like he’s bat shit crazy. No, he is not a serial killer, he is just fascinated by them, there ‘works’ as he calls them, there psyche. My service animal helps Xero feel grounded I think, he keeps him away from the bad areas, and away from those who would judge him for his interests.

Alice is probably the hardest alter for people to communicate with. She is mute, but she can write or type basic sentences. She appeared around the time the beatings I began to take where increasing, and the first time she came to me she hugged me and smiled, then turned and threw her arms open, almost as if she was shielding me. My psychologist thinks she might be a child by her drawing style and the way she writes. To me Alice is just another sibling. She and I both share a love for color and drawing, its how we use to play together, we would color and draw.
Alice has never been easy to speak with, or really communicate in general with, she hates strangers and unfamiliar places. When she is in a state of panic, she goes and finds the nearest corner, crouches down and holds her ears. My service animal is extremely helpful with this, he helps Alice stay calm, he also creates a barrier, or a line between others and her.

Emily is probably the hardest alter for anyone to understand or be around… she is all of my anger, rage, and aggression. She is the one who fights back when I can’t, the day I had children believe it would be fun to amputate my arm was the day she shielded me from that blow. Her smile was so warm to me, her embrace made me feel fluttery and safe. She removes us all from danger, protects us when needed. Though her methods are ‘any means necessary’ and sometimes she does harm people, she doesn’t mean too, she’s just doing what’s best for us all. My husband hates Emily, he said she can stay locked up in my mind for all he cares, but the thing is he just doesn’t understand her like I do. Yes, she doesn’t like ANYONE including my husband, but that’s because everyone is seen as a potential threat to our safety. It was how things were before I met my husband, I had friends who used me and picked on me and then I had bullies. I had no in between.
Emily feels safer with Merlin (my service dog), she feels he can also provide that sense of protection she always so diligently does. Dogs are extremely good at picking up things, and he also provides as a barrier between whoever we’re interacting with and us, so Emily can properly analyze the situation. Emily is the one everyone is afraid of, but it all honesty, she won’t act unless she feels we are in danger, she mostly observes people, much to my pleasure we both seem to enjoy this. People watching is something we both enjoy.

Khala is my problem child, I’m pretty sure she’s a teenager with how she acts… but she is incapable of understanding emotion. She can mimic it just fine, but she doesn’t understand why someone feels that emotion. Khala is extremely manipulative, I sadly, have found online relationships she’s started, manipulating the guy or girl into buying her things I want but cant afford, then giving them to me as gifts. She gets mad at me when I return them or give them away when returning isn’t an option. She throws fits and pouts for a few days, then she’s back to her regular self. She loves to go out, party, dress up, put on make up… any girly thing thinkable is what she loves. Her favorite thing in the world though? Stuffed animals. I don’t even know why.
Khala is kept in check by the others mostly, but when she manages to sneak out, Merlin acts as a safe guard. He howls when she is getting ready to leave, alerting my husband to the fact that Khala is trying to sneak out. He also helps her stay away from shady people, people who try to get her to go places and do things she and us arn’t exactly okay with.

Co-existing is hard, especially when others don’t realize I have switched within a split second. Merlin acts as my shield, my guide, and my ally. Different stressors trigger different alters, and depending on the kind of stress going on I could switch, then end up switching again depending on the siduation. All of my alters and I have protocols, rules, who needs to be ready when whatever happens, etc.
It was the only way we could survive, me as the core… I have no confidence, I have 0 interest in getting to know other people because I honestly and truly hate people and have a fear of them. The fact I can even work a job is thanks to my service animal, or else I would of locked myself up in my house a long time ago. I have never been confidant as a girl, I have always figured I must be doing something wrong if everything is going down hill. I’m so hard on myself that the alters and the service animal help me not be, I am always praised by them, and encouraged by them. Merlin loves me unconditionally, along with the others… that’s all we want, is to be accepted as who we are and loved… be treated like we’re normal.

Lets Break This Down…

What I think was the hardest thing for me to accept was the fact I had what was called a ‘Mental Illness’. Does that mean I’m broken? Or am I ill and shouldn’t be around people? It was extremely hard to accept this term for me.
My family has never been supportive, after my father got his liver transplant his brain is Swiss Cheese, he can’t even remember the past, let alone my name sometimes. Then there’s my mother, the one who still to this day claims I’m a lair. I will ‘grow out of this phase’ or ‘I’m just being a child’. No, I won’t grow out of this because I have 5 other opinions living inside my head that seem to beg to differ with you.

My brother and my husband are the only two who truly try and support me, but they also have problems accept it. The words from my husband are as follows, “I understand, but then I don’t understand.”
DiD is one of the hardest things to explain to someone… I guess if we wanted too, we can get technical here.
The DSM-5 states that Dissociative Identity Disorder (Formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder) needs to match up with 5 things:

  1. Two or more distinct identities or personality states are present, each within its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to and thinking about the environment and self. (According to the DSM-5, personality states may be seen as an “experience of possession.” These states “involve(s) marked discontinuity in sense of self and sense of agency, accompanied by related alterations in affect, behavior, consciousness, memory, perception, cognition, and/or sensory-motor functioning. These signs and symptoms may be observed by others or reported by the individual.”
  2. Amnesia must occur, defined as gaps in the recall of everyday events, important personal information and/or traumatic events. (This criteria for DID newly recognizes that amnesia doesn’t just occur for traumatic events but, rather, everyday events, too.)
  3. The person must be distressed by the disorder or have trouble functioning in one or more major life areas because of the disorder.
    (This criterion is common among all serious mental illness diagnoses as diagnosis is not appropriate where the symptoms do not create distress and/or trouble functioning.)
  4. The disturbance is not part of normal cultural or religious practices.
    (This DID criterion is to eliminate diagnosis in cultures or situations where multiplicity is appropriate. An example of this is in children where an imaginary friend is not necessarily indicative of a mental illness.)
  5. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (such as blackouts or chaotic behavior during alcohol intoxication) or a general medical condition (such as complex partial seizures).
    (This characteristic of dissociative identity disorder is important as substance abuse or another medical condition is more appropriate to diagnose, when present, than DID.)


To be completely honest, it took me almost 2 YEARS to find a psychologist who was willing to help me. Most of them didn’t even know what the hell DiD was, let alone educated about it. The first person I tried, told me she googled DiD before I came.
Others told me I’m ‘to dangerous’ or they don’t want to risk anything in case I could become violent.
My new specialist reached out to me because one of the therapists I contacted gave her my info. She is very kind, and was trained into dissociative disorders, she even had a few DiD patients at this time.
Despite her explaining to my husband in the simple terms, he still doesn’t believe me 100%, and he still struggles understanding why forcing them all to just go back into my head isn’t something I want or need to do… I was so alone before them. I was so tired of being alone, and scared that they ended up becoming my friends, or as I use to call them, my imaginary friends. They had bodies (even if there not exactly human looking…), they had names, they each have there own distinctive voice even…

Why can’t anyone understand that? Well, because they don’t live in my head basically. Despite having my fights with them, all 5 of them are extremely important and helpful, and in a sense are my only real friends…

I know some wont understand this, but those of you who are like me might. I will eventually break each alter down, explaining them, and who knows, maybe I can get them to speak with you all as well…

Post I

So I am not entirely sure what to post here except hello, and thanks for stopping by. At the urging of my therapist and the fact I am in the process of certifying my dog as my service dog. I have decided to share a little bit, and try to see if I can somehow help others who suffer from the same thing I seem too.

I was diagnosed with DiD, which is Dissociative Identity Disorder, also known as Multiple Personality Disorder, and PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was given this diagnosis when I was 16 after being misdiagnosed with Bipolar, then Schizophrenia, then they told me I had Psychosis. I went through a functional MRI scan, and during that scan they, sadly, had to trigger my stress response with a recording of something that caused my switching.
Within seconds they obtained what they needed before they saw me trying to crawl out of the scanner.
I have 5 alters that I know of, and I am the core. I have lived with them for so long, and have been dependent on them for so long that if I was to recognize it would do more harm then good. I am currently going through with my therapist a way to co-exist with them, since I am so dependent on them for certain functions.
I also suffer from extremely bad Anxiety and Depression, I am taking a medication to help with those, but so far my life has been… well chaotic as you can imagine, and the medication only helps to a degree.

My hopes with this blog, even if I don’t do it every day, is to at least keep a record of this journey, and maybe it will help someone else who also has DiD understand more about there illness, or just help them realize there not alone.
Well, that’s about all I have for you kiddies, I will try and make a post everyday, but I apologize ahead of time if I do not.
Thank you for taking the time to read this ^_^