The Things We Fear And Love

Service animals are extremely hard to train when you and your siblings believe in it, but your significant other and family do not. I got into a fight with my husband over it. He said my dog isn’t able to be one, he’s to high strung, etc… he’s the same person who now sadly half time time believes me and the other half doesn’t know how. However, Una suggested I walk him every day, and try to even out some of his energy. It worked well, he seems to be not as high strung, he listens to commands, and all that’s left is bringing him into the community more, so he can learn to co-exist with everyone without being a pest.
I’ve been working on this walking thing for close to about a month and a half, I think Una was right, and if I keep it up, he’ll be so much better.
My mother has never been supportive, she finds my weak points and takes a very sharp pointy thing and jabs you over and over to the point you feel like your dying. Her passive aggressive personality tends to clash with Una frequently.

I’ve been asked a lot why I even have a PSD (Psychiatric Service Dog), I don’t look disabled, and then I’ve had nasty notes left on my car saying “shame on you for exploiting this right.”
When I get stressed, over even the most trivial of things, I rip apart my fingers and pick at my legs. Now, this is not as bad as cutting, but it’s still not good for me. I also cannot be physically alone, I cannot be in a dark room alone, I can’t even sit within total silence, and I have a horrible time coping or handling these situations without him. Then, there’s my alters…

Una is probably the only one who acts mostly like me, just add a higher level of confidence, motherly aspects, takes no shit and a blunt as hell factor, and you have the matriarch of my alters. She isn’t very nice to people in general, she has made people cry, leave, and even cut all ties with me. It isn’t her fault, she’s just protective of me. When I was between 2 and 5, Una was my only friend. I tried to make friends, but I was picked on or had my things stolen, Una was the only one who truly wanted to play with me, and care about me. She was written off as an imaginary friend for a long time, even after Xero.
Una believes the service animal would be amazingly good for the others, including myself.

Xero was the one who always sat with me in the dark, he told me it was okay to feel sad and scared when my father came home, screaming and running into the walls. He appeared when I was between 5 and 7 I believe, he told me it was okay to cry despite what my parents told me, because he won’t tell on me and it was good for me. Xero and Una both became support pillars for me, I would play games and people wrote them both off as imaginary friends.
Xero has a rather interesting curiosity, something I never quite understood. He is fascinated with death, blood, gore, horror… his fascination with the ma-cob tends to get me into trouble, he wonders off into places he shouldn’t be, looking up things, finding things, even asking questions that would make others look at him like he’s bat shit crazy. No, he is not a serial killer, he is just fascinated by them, there ‘works’ as he calls them, there psyche. My service animal helps Xero feel grounded I think, he keeps him away from the bad areas, and away from those who would judge him for his interests.

Alice is probably the hardest alter for people to communicate with. She is mute, but she can write or type basic sentences. She appeared around the time the beatings I began to take where increasing, and the first time she came to me she hugged me and smiled, then turned and threw her arms open, almost as if she was shielding me. My psychologist thinks she might be a child by her drawing style and the way she writes. To me Alice is just another sibling. She and I both share a love for color and drawing, its how we use to play together, we would color and draw.
Alice has never been easy to speak with, or really communicate in general with, she hates strangers and unfamiliar places. When she is in a state of panic, she goes and finds the nearest corner, crouches down and holds her ears. My service animal is extremely helpful with this, he helps Alice stay calm, he also creates a barrier, or a line between others and her.

Emily is probably the hardest alter for anyone to understand or be around… she is all of my anger, rage, and aggression. She is the one who fights back when I can’t, the day I had children believe it would be fun to amputate my arm was the day she shielded me from that blow. Her smile was so warm to me, her embrace made me feel fluttery and safe. She removes us all from danger, protects us when needed. Though her methods are ‘any means necessary’ and sometimes she does harm people, she doesn’t mean too, she’s just doing what’s best for us all. My husband hates Emily, he said she can stay locked up in my mind for all he cares, but the thing is he just doesn’t understand her like I do. Yes, she doesn’t like ANYONE including my husband, but that’s because everyone is seen as a potential threat to our safety. It was how things were before I met my husband, I had friends who used me and picked on me and then I had bullies. I had no in between.
Emily feels safer with Merlin (my service dog), she feels he can also provide that sense of protection she always so diligently does. Dogs are extremely good at picking up things, and he also provides as a barrier between whoever we’re interacting with and us, so Emily can properly analyze the situation. Emily is the one everyone is afraid of, but it all honesty, she won’t act unless she feels we are in danger, she mostly observes people, much to my pleasure we both seem to enjoy this. People watching is something we both enjoy.

Khala is my problem child, I’m pretty sure she’s a teenager with how she acts… but she is incapable of understanding emotion. She can mimic it just fine, but she doesn’t understand why someone feels that emotion. Khala is extremely manipulative, I sadly, have found online relationships she’s started, manipulating the guy or girl into buying her things I want but cant afford, then giving them to me as gifts. She gets mad at me when I return them or give them away when returning isn’t an option. She throws fits and pouts for a few days, then she’s back to her regular self. She loves to go out, party, dress up, put on make up… any girly thing thinkable is what she loves. Her favorite thing in the world though? Stuffed animals. I don’t even know why.
Khala is kept in check by the others mostly, but when she manages to sneak out, Merlin acts as a safe guard. He howls when she is getting ready to leave, alerting my husband to the fact that Khala is trying to sneak out. He also helps her stay away from shady people, people who try to get her to go places and do things she and us arn’t exactly okay with.

Co-existing is hard, especially when others don’t realize I have switched within a split second. Merlin acts as my shield, my guide, and my ally. Different stressors trigger different alters, and depending on the kind of stress going on I could switch, then end up switching again depending on the siduation. All of my alters and I have protocols, rules, who needs to be ready when whatever happens, etc.
It was the only way we could survive, me as the core… I have no confidence, I have 0 interest in getting to know other people because I honestly and truly hate people and have a fear of them. The fact I can even work a job is thanks to my service animal, or else I would of locked myself up in my house a long time ago. I have never been confidant as a girl, I have always figured I must be doing something wrong if everything is going down hill. I’m so hard on myself that the alters and the service animal help me not be, I am always praised by them, and encouraged by them. Merlin loves me unconditionally, along with the others… that’s all we want, is to be accepted as who we are and loved… be treated like we’re normal.

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