Tonight is not a good night… the nightmares and night terrors are a little relentless. Even my Service Animal isn’t sure what to do for me but sit here with me on the floor, listening to piano music through my headphones to try and calm my chaotic mind. even my alters seem to be at a loss right now as we’re all having a tough time coping with the fragments.
I never remember my nightmares/night terrors fully, just fragments really. Tonight’s was around the bullying I was going through in grade school.
The chair moving, the taking pictures of me using the restroom, the pushing, the hitting, the acid, the butcher knife, the wiping with wires, the false sleepover invites to chase me into a closet with a butcher knife, the locking me into tiny dark spaces and sadly so much more… All of them where fragmented, but I saw pretty much everything.
I scared my husband when I jolted awake, Emily was yelling and swinging frantically, my dog quickly pressed his body down onto her legs so she realized she was safe. Within seconds I began to cry. He didn’t know what to do for me, he is just sitting here on the couch, I believe watching something on Netflix.
I am trying what the psychiatrist said to try, I eat more, drink less caffeine, fall asleep without the TV on and reading a book (physically book, not an e-book) to make myself tired, but it seems my sleep patterns are just as shitty as ever, I feel there slightly worse honestly.
These cycles of nightmares are rather annoying, there is never a real time line they follow, they just happen for a few weeks then stop for a bit. My dog is extremely comforting, but to be completely honest with you, I am scared to fall back asleep and see all the things I wish to forget… I honestly and truly do.