In Circles

I couldn’t sleep barely at all once I got home, when my husband got up for work I told him to take the car, because I couldn’t really trust myself or anyone else. Turns out I made the right call.
Khala wanted to go out and play today; new clothes, shoes, mani/pedi… the normal things she likes to go off and do. But soon started throwing a tantrum because the car wasn’t here, and she can’t drive Tom’s truck. She wrecked my bedroom, cried for about an hour, then retreated deep within to sulk for a week. Una and Alice did what they could to help me, but I couldn’t help it, I broke down instantly.

Una had control most of the day, she helped pick up the mess in the bedroom before my husband got home, that way he wouldn’t know and wouldn’t blame Emily for something Khala did. Emily has never trashed a room, yes she has hurt people, but only to escape the situation with any means necessary. She punched a doctor who grabbed me in his fit, in his diaphragm. Causing him to let her go so she could run…
She used a metal pipe to hit the two high school boys who where trying to hold her down, then she ran.
Emily doesn’t want to hurt people, but if there in the way of our survival, she will do what she must in order to keep us all safe. Its not fair that my husband always blames her… especially when I’ve explained a number of times Emily doesn’t destroy things…

Una is angry at me as well, she said I should tell my husband to do the research so he can have a better understanding. But the last time I tried? He scoffed and asked if I was serious. I have multiple books, multiple websites on DiD and PTSD. He normally asks me questions like “You where fine before… why are you falling apart now?” “You are on meds, none of this should be happening…”
I hid the fact I was having switching issues for YEARS, when I really really want to hide something… I make damn well sure its hidden. Plus my psychologist has even explained this to him, my medications only work for ME, the host. They don’t do shit for my alters, not by choice, but it’s because of what there functions are in my life, and how much power they seem to hold (aka the brain functions they control). For gods sake I have a fight or flight response split into two separate alters…

Una wants to give my husband a piece of her thoughts, but I wont let her. So she isn’t very happy with me. It would only make things worse for me anyways, he acts fine then when I return he always has something to say that just… hurts. I don’t know how to explain it… maybe I should try and lay back down, my head feels like its about to explode…

Crashing Down

This has sadly not been a great week… I pretend I’m fine, post happy statuses, smile and tell people I’m happy and fine. However in reality every single one of us is screaming, clawing, trying to make sense of this crash.
Everything was fine on Monday and on until about Thursday, then suddenly my stress level flared for no real apparent reason. Why now? There is no stressors, no reason for any of us to be freaking out about anything.
My psychologist tells me it’s normal to have random attacks of anxiety and stress since my secondary diagnosis is PTSD. I still don’t completely understand everything about all of my diagnoses, I always think I do, then suddenly there is something brand new sitting in the corner… it’s frustrating.

Also found my medications do not affect anyone, it only helps me. My husband found Alice up 3 different times last week, she was sitting in the dark, rocking back and forth. I guess the dog went and got him, or so he tells me. Alice said she’s having a hard time this cycle with the memories, and I told her it’s okay, and to have Una or Emily help her with them. Both, of course, agreed without hesitation; because despite what everyone thinks of them, they all support one another when needed, including me. Each one seems to fill some role in a family setting too…
Una is the mother figure, Xero is an older brother I think because he’s in no way a father figure. Alice is the younger sister, Emily is the older sister or a body-guard, none of us are really sure. Khala is the middle child probably, or she’s just the teenager sister who always causes mischief and mayhem. They are like a family I never really had, they want to spend time together and do things. They want to help one another, love one another…

I’m still shaking, the tremors in my hands just keep fluctuating between semi and stupid ridiculous shaking to the point I can’t hold a pen. I don’t get it… none of us seem to be able to stop them, or even make our stress levels drop. I wish I understood…. I wish I knew exactly why I am freaking out…. but sadly I think it’s going to be one of those episodes that have no explanation, just happen, and then fade out…

Medication and DiD? O Boy…

When explaining this to people, they seem to never understand that it doesn’t always help. It can for me, but it doesn’t really do shit for Xero or anyone else…. Same with my sleep aid.
Explaining this to a doctor is like beating your head into a brick wall, “But they are you…” Yes… and they also cause the chemistry in my brain to change 180 degrees in another direction, causing the ‘me’ now to go away and one of my alters to take control.
I get sick and tired of explaining it… and my psychologist is the only one on this planet who seems to get it.

I take quite a few medications at night, I take 150mg of Zoloft, 10mg of Singular, Birth Control Pill, and 2mg of a beta blocker (I think it’s prizozen… but I may be spelling it wrong). Yes, I have a pill cutter and sorter, and I frankly don’t understand it myself, but it is starting to really tick me off when people don’t understand that medications are not a ‘fix’ for me.
They help ME, the core. They don’t do shit to my alters, and no one seems to understand this. When I was placed on Abilify, Limictal, and Ziprexa it caused me to switch so many times I didn’t know who the hell I was half the time… I use to have to ask my husband “Who am I…?” every hour, I felt like I was trapped inside a very terrible video game or something.

According to my psychologist, patients with DiD seem to have there entire chemistry of there brain alter when they switch, thus why they can see Alice’s inability to speak when she emerges. Due to this, chemical altering medication cannot do much if at all any, and most of the time it will do more harm then good. I learned this lesson first hand when I was misdiagnosed, and now, explaining how Zoloft doesn’t work for ‘everyone’ has made my psychiatrist want to put me on something stronger. I thought she’s worked with other DiD patients… doesn’t she know stronger is not going to change anything? Or it might even make things worse?

I guess this is also part of the reason we all have trust issues, everybody lies. It doesn’t matter who you are, even we lie sometimes. I guess it’s just the nature in all of us.

The Maze Within My Life

One of the things I keep finding is, though I do have a talk therapist, we don’t tell her everything. I think it’s our extreme trust issues, it also explains quite a lot. Here no one knows who I am, or where I am, and I (and the others) can freely express and write things without judgement. My husband doesn’t even read this, though he knows I have a blog, I think we like a place we all just… can be ourselves without worry or harm.

Recently I was asked by my psychologist “Think about your feelings about each one of your alters, and think about there feelings about you. Do you share these thoughts with each other?”
At first I didn’t understand the question, but then I realized why I didn’t understand, it’s because where all extremely open about our thoughts and feelings. Sadly, it’s the only way we can co-exist up to this point. For me, I was never included into groups, family events, or any outings in general. I always felt alone in that regard, so one of the things my alters provide me with is friendship and trust. We hide no secrets from each other… we are all well aware of things each have done or think or even feel, even if I don’t remember, they tell me.

They tell me they see what little innocence is left, the non-corrupted small piece of my sanity that’s remaining, and they wish to protect it. There are evil and black things in this world, but there are also a small amount of good and light things as well, Una tells me they just act as guardians in a sense, protecting whats left (the core) from disintegrating anymore then it has too, and letting me be happy and loved.
My alters where my first real friends, the first ones who genuinely expressed e, affection, and even respect for me. Despite there kinks, they always tell me they love me before I have to part from our world. Even Khala, despite her teenager ways, hugs me and always tells me no matter how mad she gets at us, she loves us all like family.
The very sad part about that statement, is my alters where closer to family then my own family.

My father was a drug addict and drinker, his drug of choice was Demerol, a extremely potent pain killer. He would inject into his groin area to hide it, but when my mom laid out the bloody underwear, he stopped wearing underwear all together. My father was a very nasty piece of work back then…. when he was so high or drunk to where he didn’t know the difference between abusing his children or punishing them? Yeah… that was a very common everyday thing. The days he was sober where the rarities, and he would go out with us, play with us, teach us things…. my brother and I wished the day would never end. However, after he was diagnosed with NASH (which I call bullshit) and Fatty Liver, he sat on the transplant list for 5 years, and got a new liver. His brain was Swiss Cheese, all the toxins in his body just ate away at him, and now he has early on set dementia and can’t remember the past. I have managed to form a somewhat functional relationship with him, my alters understand that he can’t remember anything, and he is now serving his punishment.

My mother on the other hand is a nasty piece of work in an entirely different way. I love her, don’t get me wrong, but her passive aggressiveness and constant manic episodes where not only hard to understand, but you never could see them coming. She grew up in a family who saw mental health as a bad word, and it was never spoken about or even hinted at. Ever since I can remember, and from what the others remember too, she wanted me to be just like her. Straight A’s, popular, in all these clubs, class president, etc….
You name it, she’s been it. When I didn’t turn out that way, she’d find small little weak points, take out a very long and sharp rapier and stab you there over and over until you fall apart. She called me names constantly, I was ugly, fat, stringy haired, unappealing, disgusting, smelly, etc. Anytime she could throw an insult at me, she’d do it. She was the one who said ‘your going through a phase’, ‘your just being a teenager’, and ‘Just snap out of it’ to me as well…. phrases you really shouldn’t say to someone who had DiD.
She still to this day does not believe in my diagnosis, she has an extremely hard time coming out of denial about everything. She still tells me ‘Stop stressing out everything will be fine, your overthinking it.’ I’m sorry, but when does that help anything? I Stress because of Anxiety, I overthink because of that and depression, and when it build up to a point a switch is induced.
The rules and protocols where laid out years ago, if I like it or not, the switch happens regardless because that’s the way the system functions. The day Emily almost broke her leg was the day I think my mother truly had a small glimpse into what exactly my husband sees and deals with. Emily hates my mother, with an extreme passion

My brother and husband where the only two who ever believed me, and who stood by me. Despite my brother having his own issues, he fights with my mother tooth and nail about my diagnosis, whenever she says something under her breath or tries to talk down about it, he turns around and says “Don’t you even dare, you know better.” She has since given up the fight and retreats whenever my brother glares, but it’s hard. I only have a very very small pillar made up of 2 people, and that’s it. The pillar sways and cracks, shakes and titters. But for some reason, it’s still there, standing proud and tall as always. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in this life… not even a cure for this. My alters are my family and my friends, so are my brother and my husband.

Scattered Pictures

One thing I can for sure tell you all, is not all my alters can feel love, or even come to care for another human being. Recently someone from my past reached out to me, and it made everything crumble into a giant pile of chaotic mess.

Emily and I both fell in love with him, while we were having issues with my husband. My husband wasn’t understanding, and he constantly began to sound like what everyone else sounded like… terrible, drowning black noise.
But this man… he was extremely kind to us, he believed me, he even had the rare unfortunate interaction with Emily where she spoke. Then, for some reason her and I both had small feelings the bloomed inside of us.
It was an extremely hard, and rather awful time in our life. Chaotic, stressful, being alone, having no one to turn too… I guess it was only natural we’d cling to someone who cared….

However, I never realized Emily was able of feeling that complex emotion called Love. She and I both spoke about it in great, great detail. We felt it was wrong since I had my husband, we tried to sabotage everything with both since we felt so guilty. But for some reason that man kept hanging onto us, and it just made things more and more bittersweet as out heart was taring into two directions.
Last year, in 2015 we managed to finally scare him away. Even after we told my husband and that giant fight ensued… he sat down with us and stated that no matter what he does, stay or go, it’s a shitty choice.
Emily realized how devastating that phrase was for me, and after weeks of Alice, Emily finally found me buried deep within my mind, and told me its alright. She knew I could never love anyone as much as I loved my husband, and that it was unfair of her to force her feelings into my soul. She said she was jealous of the fact I was able to freely love who I wanted, and she couldn’t even interact with the one she loved because she was nothing more then a piece of me…

We cried together, I told her she was more to me then just a small sliver of my self, she was my sibling, my friend, my sword, and my guardian. She meant more to me and the others then she even thought of, and the fact she sacrificed something she knew would never happen again for me? That just makes me love her even more, and wish even harder that she could be her own person…
Her whole being shuttered at this e-mail, I could feel it down to my core. But she took a deep breath, smiled and asked to write a response. Her response was very beautiful, returning his words of concern and how he thought of us, she said she thought of him sometimes as well. However, that we were doing well with my husband, and getting some much needed guidance from a specialized psychologist. Then she said, if you want to be friends, that’s fine, but that is your call and we can only be friends.

Her smile was so precious, something that you only see on someone who suddenly achieved some type of other worldly knowledge. She may never admit this to anyone, but Emily is more then a rage machine super guardian, she also is a kind and have a very big heart. No matter what awful things people say about her, she is so important to me, and even if she hides it, I know she will always do whats best for all of us, not just me.

Pieces

Last night, I think I had the first and real conversation about DiD with my husband. Though he doesn’t understand on my level, he’s the only human being who ever understood enough to know I wasn’t a liar, I wasn’t just going through a psychotic episode….
We both broke down and cried, he told me no matter what happens, he will be by my side, helping me continue on this path I put me and the others on. The biggest fear I ended up having? He would leave. My husband is the only person who not only loves me, but understands enough. If I lost my only pillar of support, I don’t know if we all could survive that…

We have dropped full time employment, honestly, I’m slightly happy I did. The stress of working a full time job is so intense, I now understand why my psychologist says it surprises her I lasted as long as I did in full time. We now do part time graveyards, which we use to do anyways and where fine. Una will end up running me during the day though, which happens for the first few weeks until I can adjust to a night schedule. But everyone seems to be on board with this.
Xero is starting to pick up more of his duties, which is helping a bit with other stressors. I’ve learned he is the Flight response and my primal emotion of Fear in a sense. He senses danger, and is extremely careful around unknown things. It would explain a large amount to be honest, but I’m just happy he’s becoming more active. I was starting to worry he would neglect us all forever.

Service dog training is a bit easier with this work schedule too, I am able to go twice a week now instead of once. It makes training him so much easier. I’m still picking up the pieces of my bad week. Switching as much as I did, I’m shocked I even remember anything from last week…
Una wants to meet the psychologist, she even said I could sleep while she did it… I’m not entirely sure if it’s a good idea. When I’m not awake, she sometimes can turn mean rather quickly. They want to put me on a beta blocker to help control my nightmares and night terrors, my heart rate is already low naturally, so I’m not entirely sure if I should do it or not.
I guess only the week can tell…

Down The Rabbit Hole

Sometimes when I dream, there not always bad. When I fall asleep, my eyes reopen inside my own world in a sense.
I’m standing on a very worn out and broken path, the fountain behind me is decayed and looking as if it’s starting to fall apart. The trees around me are petrified dead trees, and the sky is lit red with a large full moon tainted red in color, with a black strip down the middle. I walk along this path, the animals and birds within this forest still communicate and sing. I walk up a hill to an extremely broken down home, it looks like one of those old style 19th century kind of homes, with the wooden stairs and the wrap around pouch kind of thing. It’s decaying and creaks as I push open the rather large door. When I open it, it closes after I enter into a rather long hallway. The picture frames on the wall are all broken, the pictures ripped and scattered among the glass fragments. There’s dry blood and drawings in blood, chalk, crayons, and even pencil all over the walls, with words that I can’t seem to make out as I walk. I reach two iron gate style double doors and push them open. The room I enter is white, there is a table in the center (depending on the dream the table changes shape from rectangular to circular), with what looks to be a more comfortable sitting area off to the left with a fireplace, then stairs leading up to the right.

This is our meeting place, it’s where we all come and talk about rules, protocols, and things that need to be fixed or checked. This is basically when we meet to discuss our system and how to improve it. Sometimes it’s only there I speak to them, other times they each will invite me to there own rooms… kind of like a living space for them. I’m not entirely sure why they have them, but I think if they are like my siblings, then they need there own rooms.
Una’s room is like a giant indoor garden, waterfalls and koi fish galore. She has a sitting area in the center where all the water meets to form a circle. the pathway around her room is made of granite and different kinds of gemstones seem to be embedded into it. Una and I have spoken here a lot, and she has also brought the others in too during times of great stress or upheaval. Like right now, that’s where we all meet is inside her room.
Xero’s is extremely dark, and dimly lit with candles. There are hundreds of newspaper clippings and drawings and even movie posters of things like murder, death, gore, suicides, etc. He has a sitting area with a fireplace, and multiple sharp objects by this fireplace, and he has a journal with ink and a quill. He rarely leaves his room if he can avoid it, only for meetings does he leave. I have been in there only a few times.
Alice’s is much like a little kids room, blocks, stuffed animals, a small table and chairs with coloring books and blank drawing pads with a butt load of crayons. She really REALLY loves her crayons. She has a very large bed in the center, it has things on it that, surprisingly I own in real life, much like my blanket my grandmother made me and the stuffed dragon plushy my husband bought for her once. I go in there quite a bit to color and draw with her, we lay on the bed even and fall asleep sometimes…
Emily basically lives in a volcanic room, lava, small steam vents, even hot springs and obsidian. It reminds me of the Volcanic island of Hawaii really. One side is all pretty with hot springs and vegetation and the other is molten lava and steam. I’ve been in there a few times, Emily likes to soak with me in the hot springs, and sometimes she even lets the others come along, it just depends on how she feels.
Khala’s room looks much like a queen teen would have… walk-in closet with billions of clothes, shoes, purses, and jewelry. The area across is like a giant beauty parlor, she has everything you’d need to style and cut hair, and every thing you’d ever need to make hundreds of color combinations on make up. Then we have her throne…. its entirely made of plush toys and cute things…. I’m not entirely sure why it’s stuffed animals and cuteisy little nick nacks… but it is. She normally brings me in there to teach me about hair or make up things when I want to dress up and go out with my husband. Even if she is a teenager, she really does like helping me when I ask for it.

I call it my wonderland, it’s the only place I honestly feel safe in at times… and frankly enjoy being in. Its rare for me to go there during the day, but since I’ve become more aware of my switching, I notice I go there when I switch out with someone, and depending on who it is, I either have tea with Una and chat or get to chat and spend time with some of the others… it’s helped our bound, and my psychologist thinks it will help us co-exist better if we all share our worlds and our dislikes/likes with each other.