I’m losing my focus… The last week of stress and poor sleep are finally creeping up on me, making things extremely hard to control. Everyone is screaming at me, begging me to follow the protocols, but I… I just keep pulling myself back thinking I can do this but… Una stepped in yesterday for me. I couldn’t function without her, and apparently she tells me the outing with my brother went well, but she didn’t understand the movie, which doesn’t surprise me. She is just like my husband in that regard, unable to see it as just a movie, something fake and full of inconsistencies. Instead she can’t help but break it down and point everything out, the two of them really are a lot alike. I just wish I could remember the movie… but we’re still getting the hang of sharing vision, I only saw fragments of it… hopefully it’s enough to fool my brother.
Today I’ve been Una, Xero and Alice. Alice seems to be the one who keeps appearing, which isn’t shocking, because of the lack of sleep and horrible flashbacks in my nightmares, she’s been helping me cope I guess. The flashbacks are starting to leak into my awake periods, which frankly isn’t good. Una and Alice both assure me it’s because our balance is disrupted, and once the Anxiety and Depression episodes are over, things will go back to normal.
I’m starting to wonder what is normal, I had a man criticize me for having a service animal with no ‘visible’ disability. He walked up to me, his finger in my face, telling me how terrible of a person I am. Before Emily even fully took over, Merlin growled at him, causing him to back away, then when Emily emerged, all we did was run out of the store as quickly as possible. Emily rocked back and forth in my car, but Merlin just rested his head on her shoulder, proving to her that she was okay and safe…
THIS is the reason why I have a service animal, because if it wasn’t for Merlin, she would of beat the shit out of that arrogant idiot before she ran. Una would of talked down to him until his brain broke, Alice would of found the nearest corner and cried, rocking. Khala would of hit him, and Xero would of told him extremely fucked up ways to kill him…..
Merlin makes us feel safe, he protects us from doing something that will get us arrested again, and thrown into a place that didn’t understand or frankly care about what we had or what trauma it would cause….
I hate people…. there such terrible judgemental creatures. If only I knew more of the good ones, more then I can count on one hand… maybe I wouldn’t be so terrified of them, and hateful of them….