One thing I can for sure tell you all, is not all my alters can feel love, or even come to care for another human being. Recently someone from my past reached out to me, and it made everything crumble into a giant pile of chaotic mess.
Emily and I both fell in love with him, while we were having issues with my husband. My husband wasn’t understanding, and he constantly began to sound like what everyone else sounded like… terrible, drowning black noise.
But this man… he was extremely kind to us, he believed me, he even had the rare unfortunate interaction with Emily where she spoke. Then, for some reason her and I both had small feelings the bloomed inside of us.
It was an extremely hard, and rather awful time in our life. Chaotic, stressful, being alone, having no one to turn too… I guess it was only natural we’d cling to someone who cared….
However, I never realized Emily was able of feeling that complex emotion called Love. She and I both spoke about it in great, great detail. We felt it was wrong since I had my husband, we tried to sabotage everything with both since we felt so guilty. But for some reason that man kept hanging onto us, and it just made things more and more bittersweet as out heart was taring into two directions.
Last year, in 2015 we managed to finally scare him away. Even after we told my husband and that giant fight ensued… he sat down with us and stated that no matter what he does, stay or go, it’s a shitty choice.
Emily realized how devastating that phrase was for me, and after weeks of Alice, Emily finally found me buried deep within my mind, and told me its alright. She knew I could never love anyone as much as I loved my husband, and that it was unfair of her to force her feelings into my soul. She said she was jealous of the fact I was able to freely love who I wanted, and she couldn’t even interact with the one she loved because she was nothing more then a piece of me…
We cried together, I told her she was more to me then just a small sliver of my self, she was my sibling, my friend, my sword, and my guardian. She meant more to me and the others then she even thought of, and the fact she sacrificed something she knew would never happen again for me? That just makes me love her even more, and wish even harder that she could be her own person…
Her whole being shuttered at this e-mail, I could feel it down to my core. But she took a deep breath, smiled and asked to write a response. Her response was very beautiful, returning his words of concern and how he thought of us, she said she thought of him sometimes as well. However, that we were doing well with my husband, and getting some much needed guidance from a specialized psychologist. Then she said, if you want to be friends, that’s fine, but that is your call and we can only be friends.
Her smile was so precious, something that you only see on someone who suddenly achieved some type of other worldly knowledge. She may never admit this to anyone, but Emily is more then a rage machine super guardian, she also is a kind and have a very big heart. No matter what awful things people say about her, she is so important to me, and even if she hides it, I know she will always do whats best for all of us, not just me.