In Circles

I couldn’t sleep barely at all once I got home, when my husband got up for work I told him to take the car, because I couldn’t really trust myself or anyone else. Turns out I made the right call.
Khala wanted to go out and play today; new clothes, shoes, mani/pedi… the normal things she likes to go off and do. But soon started throwing a tantrum because the car wasn’t here, and she can’t drive Tom’s truck. She wrecked my bedroom, cried for about an hour, then retreated deep within to sulk for a week. Una and Alice did what they could to help me, but I couldn’t help it, I broke down instantly.

Una had control most of the day, she helped pick up the mess in the bedroom before my husband got home, that way he wouldn’t know and wouldn’t blame Emily for something Khala did. Emily has never trashed a room, yes she has hurt people, but only to escape the situation with any means necessary. She punched a doctor who grabbed me in his fit, in his diaphragm. Causing him to let her go so she could run…
She used a metal pipe to hit the two high school boys who where trying to hold her down, then she ran.
Emily doesn’t want to hurt people, but if there in the way of our survival, she will do what she must in order to keep us all safe. Its not fair that my husband always blames her… especially when I’ve explained a number of times Emily doesn’t destroy things…

Una is angry at me as well, she said I should tell my husband to do the research so he can have a better understanding. But the last time I tried? He scoffed and asked if I was serious. I have multiple books, multiple websites on DiD and PTSD. He normally asks me questions like “You where fine before… why are you falling apart now?” “You are on meds, none of this should be happening…”
I hid the fact I was having switching issues for YEARS, when I really really want to hide something… I make damn well sure its hidden. Plus my psychologist has even explained this to him, my medications only work for ME, the host. They don’t do shit for my alters, not by choice, but it’s because of what there functions are in my life, and how much power they seem to hold (aka the brain functions they control). For gods sake I have a fight or flight response split into two separate alters…

Una wants to give my husband a piece of her thoughts, but I wont let her. So she isn’t very happy with me. It would only make things worse for me anyways, he acts fine then when I return he always has something to say that just… hurts. I don’t know how to explain it… maybe I should try and lay back down, my head feels like its about to explode…

15 thoughts on “In Circles

  1. He has once, but I already spoke to my psychologist and he will be attending with me again.

  2. Yeah… He knows about them, and interacted with them all, but he has issues accepting that DiD patients hide there alters activities and that we have are good and horrible days… he just isn’t liking the fact everyone keeps telling him to research as well… which is part of his stubbornly high intellect.

  3. My alternates are not in the habit of announcing themselves — I don’t think I’m the only person with DID for whom this is true.

    My alternates will also try to pretend to be the ‘person’ my partner expects. It doesn’t always work.

    My partner knows when the teen is out and he refers to his interactions with the female alternate as lesbian moments, which she thinks is hilarious.

  4. The only alter who announces itself is my teenager Khala… she is extremely manipulative, so she tends to hit on my husband and other people to obtain material things.
    My husband has never really returned her advances, which always makes her annoyed. But for the most part my system was set up for needs in general. So a few of them can act like me, but handwriting and speaking are the normal telling signs if you pay attention enough ^^;

  5. My teen tries to work my partner for things. Not sexually, mostly by pretending that he’s me and dragging him off to a computer store. I have dozens and dozens of high end computer parts–and three high end computers built by him. So it has it’s uses. At this point he is the only alternate that still uses Second Life.

  6. Khala is just… girly. Purses, shoes, makeup, nails, etc. You name it, she loves it. So the whole using her looks and charm are not shocking… I have been a Tomboy, so she tends to be the overly girly one. She can get people to buy her things, and she doesn’t really understand emotion. So she always presents what she gets like its an amazing feat… I have returned most of the things, or given them away. She just doesn’t understand whats wrong with what she does, and it can be an issue sometimes.

  7. Bobby just likes presents. And most people like to give them to him…what I find surprising is that so many people can see him even though this body is so very not the body of a teen.

  8. Yeah… the same goes for Khala. I don’t have a teenager body, but she does really well at dressing up and hiding that fact. She can get just about anyone to give her something that she or any of us have wanted but couldn’t have.
    She doesn’t understand why its wrong to get things that way, or why we don’t just buy whatever we want… so yeah. She drives me nuts, but I still love her.

  9. I think it’s great that you love her. It’s hard for people to understand how people with DID can love a part of themselves as if it were a separate person but that is the essence of our dilemma. We don’t experience these ‘alternates’ as part of us and often feel as if they are friends and companions.

  10. They feel like my siblings more then anything… due to the way the system works, we all have a deep caring for one another, even if some don’t admit to it. They where the first friends I had, and the first entities I ever trusted fully without a second thought… people who are not educated or who (sadly) don’t have DID just can’t understand it on our level.

  11. Wow…I’ve never heard anyone else describe this. I honestly thought I was the only person in the world who had an inner family with siblings. You’ve just made me feel so much less weird.

    🙂 Thanks!

  12. ^_^ No problem hun, honestly it’s just easier to describe it to someone who really does understand on the same level that I do then trying to explain it to some random person who then looks at me and says “You’re lying”.
    I’m happy I could help a little, it’s nice to know I’m not alone in the DID world ^^;

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