Honest Liars

We went through the biopsy on Wednesday without incident, I was glad honestly. Bruising is stupidly big because I bruise to easily, and the soreness is just… icky. However on Friday when they called me about the results, its where this madness started.
They told me its non cancerous for now, but they don’t know what it is. I guess it doesn’t have some kind of markers to indicate its a fibroid or something…. Xero lost it. He went on and on about how we should of listened to him, and we can’t trust anyone, etc…
He locked himself inside of his ‘room’, and hasn’t really come out since. Its been extremely hard on the system, Emily and Una are both picking up extra, so is Alice and Khala…. We had to call my brother to come over and sit with us because Xero was so unstable, he wanted to hurt himself, which translates into hurting the body. My brother, thankfully knows about that, and every time I’d disappear, he came to find me, took whatever Xero had, and led me back into the living room where we sat and watched movies. He stayed until my husband got home, explained to Tom what was going on, then left.
He’s so good to me… I can’t even begin to tell you how thankful I am for my brother.

My husband just waited until Xero was well aware he wouldn’t get his way, and gave me back control. My husband and I talked about it, and the options they gave me; re-biopsy it again or just remove it. My husband and I both think it’s stupid to re-biopsy it when they already did. So my mother is looking into costs for me…
Then on Saturday, at my job I was helping assist a patient to stand and pivot, but when she told me she could, she didn’t mention she was a complete quadriplegic and a dead lift. So the moment we stood, I had one of 2 choices, hurt my back or collapse under my legs and let her fall onto me to keep her safe. I chose option 2.
She was not harmed, I was not harmed, my tech and transporter helped me dead lift her to the MRI table and we did the incident report and such…. Patient tells her nurse she said no when I asked if she could stand and pivot, even though I had 2 other witnesses that heard her say yes. So I have to go in tomorrow, and do what they call ‘disciplinary hearing’. My Tech will be there and has told me multiple times he has my back… but it doesn’t help.Then on Sunday morning my father texts me to tell me my mortgage payment bounced, and that I need to fix it so they don’t call him…. I have 5 different times, including 3 other times to make them send the mail to my address, but it never changes. Then my electric bill came in too 476 dollars.

Everything is crashing down, and Xero knows it. We are trying really hard to hold it together… but its not working….

Medical Update Stuff + Other Stuff

Today I have to go in and get a biopsy of my breast done. Xero has been ‘worse case scenario’ prepping since last week…. finding everything he can on biopsies gone wrong, infections from biopsies, etc.
It’s been hard since he’s been getting up in the middle of the night to do this, so my sleep patterns are a bit messed up. I saw my psychologist yesterday and told her what the psychiatrist said, we all felt better.
She is going to double check a few things, then she is going to call and talk to her. What she said is not okay, and that form now on I need to just keep it strictly about medications. We love Gail… she’s so amazing to us.
Una even decided to speak with her for the first time, I didn’t realize they spoke for almost an hour. But Una seems to like her, and has set the bar in a sense. So hopefully with time the others will come around to talking to her.

We talked about the rules and protocols our system has in place, plus what each alter can do and the emergency override rules. She seemed impressed by it, but as I told her, some of them need to be re-written or just pulled all together, but I guess that’s a process. I asked my husband about the book yesterday, he asked me to give it to him, so we feel so much better that he really wants to read it.
He’s coming with me as well for the biopsy, which is probably good. If the pain becomes to much for me or Alice, Emily might hit the doctor, and I really would like to avoid another issue like that if I can.

Well… off I go.

The Uneducated Will Be Our Bane….

One of the things that really bothers me still, is how people think they understand but never really looked into DID. They say things with good intent, but they don’t seem to understand that it’s hurtful, or even why it is.
I have a psychiatrist who knows a bit about DID, however her on going ‘advice’ is starting to really tick off Una and me. She doesn’t understand why I still have my alters, she told me they are ‘out dated’ and ‘no longer needed’ because I’m an adult, and I should know how to do all these things and cope…. I need to just integrate them and be done with it. Saying it’s not a death but a birth….

Last time I checked, you didn’t have DID, or even went through the proper schooling about DID, what makes you think I am like a normal person?
I understand why she says these things, but honestly it was just painful. I realize I’m an adult, I realize I should be able to cope with most things… but I can’t. My brain is chemically and physically altered, my ability to handle stress is almost nothing. The alters to me, where the only real friends I had for many, many years. To me, if I was to re-integrate, I would be losing that sense of family. I don’t really see the benefits of it when it would cause more harm then good… I tried integration, it will not happen for me, my alters refuse and Xero really did not take it all that well…. I was in the hospital for almost 4 weeks.
My psychologist understands because she did the school for DID, she has worked with many DID patients. All the material I have read even says not all patients can have integration… and that’s not a bad thing

I tried to explain it to her, but she just repeats her words with a condescending tone, its almost like she’s trying to force me to believe her words… but it just might be us… who knows. So why can’t she just let me go on my journey without criticizing it? Una and Xero both want to find a new psychiatrist…. I’m starting to think we might have too if she keeps this up….. Emily is on the verge 0f doing something and Una is on the verge of saying something that might make us get kicked out anyways… guess we’ll see.

Update Stuff…ish…

I have been so busy it’s starting to make my brain implode. The heat mixed with my sinus fits are not helping us either… but anywho.
I went and got my ultrasound done, I have a multi nodular fibroid in my right breast, along with 2 more, and 2 very small ones in my left. The doctor told me because it’s multi nodular, it has to be biopsied to know for sure if it’s non-cancerous. However the catch is, my Doctor has to call me with the results. So I called on Friday, they told me she would call on Monday…
The call never came, causing Xero to enter full panic mode. Getting up and researching everything he can about breast cancer and fibroid stuff to the point he was waking all of us up in the middle of the night to share it… needless to say my sleep patterns are fucked up at the moment.
My mother and I had a very interesting heart to heart, she admitted to me she doesn’t believe its real, but she told me because I feel its real, then it must be despite her own opinions. She still wont go see my psychologist to get general knowledge, but she is willing to read my book.
I am still waiting for my husband to read my book, I have bugged him about it, but he seems to be dodging it, but I could be over reading into that. Una is extremely angry with him, she doesn’t understand why he just doesn’t pick up the book and read it. Emily is still mad at him for his comment about his anger (Red) killing her. She will not be able to forgive him for a while, and frankly I don’t blame her. You don’t just go off and threaten an alter designed to protect the system with any means needed… you just… no…
Xero is having a conniption about the Doctor not calling, still, today. He can’t accept it, and wants to go down to the office and demand answers. I’m hoping he doesn’t really… last thing I need is him making a scene.
Khala is angry because she hasn’t been allowed to go out and get her nails done, hair cut, etc…
My psychologist recommended I buy nail polish for her so she can do them herself, she of course, jumped all over that sadly. She racked up almost 150 dollars in beauty supplies… I want to shoot myself in the foot now.
The heat and sinus issues are not really great for us… they all complain, my headaches get worse, and no medicine seems to help it. I’m still waiting for the Neurologist recommendation to go through, he has helped other DID patients before, so it’s my hope he can help me with these horrible migraines. They don’t want to hurt me, it’s just a sad side effect from the switching…
I have my first Service Dog class with Merlin on the end of the month, and I’m excited. It will be nice to get him officially recognized and be done with this ‘in training’ crap. He just needs to pass his good dog citizen test… then we’re home free.

This week thus far is stressful, aggravating, hard, and frankly tiring…. but I know we’ll get through it… we always do…

Hidden Meanings

As you can see, I’m slightly behind on my blogs… a lot has happened since I returned 3 days ago from vacation.
One thing I realized with this blog, is it seems to not only help me write out my journey, but it seems to be an easy way for someone to read, and understand how I see the world, or how I hear things, feel things…. It’s more of my journal of my life more so then anything.

I went to my family doctor the day after I came back for my yearly check up. We discussed seeing a neurologist for my headaches, she was more then happy to give me a recommendation to go see the one my psychologist recommended, especially since he has experience with other DID patients. She checked what was, honestly, a very annoying bump on my back that has been there for months, it is apparently a cyst, icky.
Then, I did my woman wellness check.
Pap smears are honestly something none of us will ever get use too, even if my doctor is female. But the breast exam was the part where, all of us had reality smash us in the face with a giant bag of bricks.
I have abnormal bumps/lumps all throughout my right breast, I am 24, going to be 25 years old next week. She ordered an Ultrasound test to be done, because sadly I have extensive history of breast cancer that runs through my mothers side of the family. So, as you can guess, my risk factor is much, much higher then someone who had breast cancer run through there fathers side. My grandmothers sister, and her mother both died from breast cancer, and apparently my great grandmother and her sister also died from it. My mothers family is almost a walking medical journal on there own without this. They had a contaminated water source from a Motorola company, so now my mother has 3 siblings with Multiple Sclerosis, Her mother died of Parkinson Disease, her youngest sister has cervical cysts and cancer, along with Crones and some other digestive disease, and her middle sister had a stroke at 35, and now is having developing symptoms of MS. My mother herself has her own issues, she has varicose veins that have swollen her right leg to the point it looks noticeably bigger then the left, she also has a torn ACL in that knee, along with red bone marrow. Because of this, she compensates, and now her left knee is torn and rubbing bone on bone as well. She has a surgery done to reduce her varicose veins, and it failed badly, causing the swelling to double in both legs, and now I am waiting for my brother to call me and tell my “Mom can’t get up…”.
My fathers family stupidly long medical history is to be saved for another day… lets just say my heart murmur, astigmatisms in both eyes and TERRIBLE eye sight comes from that side… along with sadly, some other things.

We had our freak out/breakdown moment after we got to the car; I cried, Una and Alice both where crying while trying to comfort me, Khala and Xero sat in shock, and Emily did everything she could to hold back her rage at the situation. My mother only seems to show concern when it’s considered a real disease to her. I told her since I have to go to the hospital we both work at to get this test, and immediately she is supportive, helpful, she even pulled her ranking in the hospital to get me in today, and so she could come with me and make sure it was read immediately.
Its almost painful to watch her be this supportive, but she never once believed I had DID or PTSD, or even my depression and anxiety. She never once wanted to come with me to an appointment to find out if I am doing okay, or even tried to make sure I am recieving the best possible care out there….
It honestly is so painful it makes it hard to breathe. My chest feels like someone decided to take a chisel and hammer, and thought that would make a wonderful way to open up a chest cavity while I’m still awake…
Everyone is against this, they protested and protested to the point my husband called off work to make sure he would be there, and to make sure that someone who honestly and truly cared and understood everything was there to advocate for me incase things go a tad south.
I already wrote up the power of attorney and the medical will with him, and he did his as well. My mother was pissed when I made my husband my PoA, but to be completely honest and excuse the language?
She can go fuck herself. She never fucking cared, and why in the fucking hell would she start now? Because to her, CANCER is real but BUT WE ARE NOT? WELL FUCK YOU THEN. She never once showed she cared for any of us, and frankly the only one who did is the only one making an extremely hard effort to keep being included in my recovery, and to go with me to every single appointment to make sure everything is okay, and nothing is happening that I am handling alone.

Also, the previous comment was Emily’s, if you couldn’t already notice that ^_^;
See? She does like my husband… that’s good at least.

Vacation PT II

Well, things didn’t turn out so bad. my husband took my dog to Doggie Day Camp, and we went and spent alone time for the last few days. We went to the Safari Park and the Zoo, the beach, etc.
He was doing everything he could to make up for how he made me feel, it truely made me feel safe. He even bought Khala a stuffed animal that, honestly, even Alice and I love. He did everything he could to let all of us enjoy and relax, not just me.

I’m so thankful for him… even if he drives us crazy as hell sometimes, my psychologist says it will be a very long road of learning together. But I am extremely fortunate to have someone who has, and is still standing by my side… I couldn’t honestly agree more.

Here is the stuffy, it’s an Okapi ^_^

Okapi Plushie

Silver Lining (Vacation Cont.)

After switching a few times within a few hours, my husband and I spoke about what happened. I showed him what I wrote, Una said it would be good for him to see what we see and hear. I think it helped a little.
He told me he didn’t mean his words the way I thought he meant them, and explained a bit more in detail for me. It really really helped me. He apologized for his tone of voice, and he stated he was offering so he and I can just spend time together without the dog, Merlin is still learning a few PSD things, and I will admit he tends to forget he’s working sometimes.
He will be going to the Pets Hotel tomorrow morning, and I think it will be good for just us and my husband to go out and do things. I’m happy I listened to Una.

I also asked him to read my book. He explained after he thought about how he answered, and how it sounded was a bad way to address it, and he quickly said he would be more than happy to read it. I’m extremely happy, so are the rest. My psychologist really likes it, and wants to use the lessons within the book to help me in my coexistence journey. He hasn’t started reading it yet, but he assures me when we get home, he will make the time to read it.
He also apologized for what he said about Emily, and said he realized it was a dick thing to say. Emily felt a bit better, but she’s still pissed at him for even making the comment. I don’t blame her, but like I said to mu husband it will take time for things to go back to normal.

My husband helped me file a police report, and I called who I needed (DMV is closed till Tuesday so… yay…), he’s been cuddling up with me since then. Reassuring me that I’m not stupid for having this happen, and if anything it is a learning experience. He knows it takes time for my self shaming and negativity to pass, so he tends to hover for a bit, which in all honesty we all love, even Emily, though she’d never admit to it. Alice cuddled a bit with him today, she was glad to feel safe. After the bad time with the memories, she has felt pretty crappy. I’m glad she feels so much better, she’s back to her smiling self now. Una feels much much better now that I have addressed the issues needed addressing with my husband. Though she can be a little blunt, she’s still the closest thing I have had to a mom… so I can’t fault her.
I have found Xero is afraid of animals, I’m not entirely sure why, he doesn’t like to speak about it. So I’m hoping I can help break that fear. I know he feels okay with Merlin, so I guess that’s a start.
Khala is still sulking in her corner after Mondays tantrum. I don’t think she’ll be receptive to anything until next week.
Emily is much calmer now that the issues have been addressed as well, and hopes my husband will learn for the sake of all our happiness and treatment.

Despite having a horrible day, I am starting to feel a little better. I hope this trip can restore some of our tranquility still…