Hidden Meanings

As you can see, I’m slightly behind on my blogs… a lot has happened since I returned 3 days ago from vacation.
One thing I realized with this blog, is it seems to not only help me write out my journey, but it seems to be an easy way for someone to read, and understand how I see the world, or how I hear things, feel things…. It’s more of my journal of my life more so then anything.

I went to my family doctor the day after I came back for my yearly check up. We discussed seeing a neurologist for my headaches, she was more then happy to give me a recommendation to go see the one my psychologist recommended, especially since he has experience with other DID patients. She checked what was, honestly, a very annoying bump on my back that has been there for months, it is apparently a cyst, icky.
Then, I did my woman wellness check.
Pap smears are honestly something none of us will ever get use too, even if my doctor is female. But the breast exam was the part where, all of us had reality smash us in the face with a giant bag of bricks.
I have abnormal bumps/lumps all throughout my right breast, I am 24, going to be 25 years old next week. She ordered an Ultrasound test to be done, because sadly I have extensive history of breast cancer that runs through my mothers side of the family. So, as you can guess, my risk factor is much, much higher then someone who had breast cancer run through there fathers side. My grandmothers sister, and her mother both died from breast cancer, and apparently my great grandmother and her sister also died from it. My mothers family is almost a walking medical journal on there own without this. They had a contaminated water source from a Motorola company, so now my mother has 3 siblings with Multiple Sclerosis, Her mother died of Parkinson Disease, her youngest sister has cervical cysts and cancer, along with Crones and some other digestive disease, and her middle sister had a stroke at 35, and now is having developing symptoms of MS. My mother herself has her own issues, she has varicose veins that have swollen her right leg to the point it looks noticeably bigger then the left, she also has a torn ACL in that knee, along with red bone marrow. Because of this, she compensates, and now her left knee is torn and rubbing bone on bone as well. She has a surgery done to reduce her varicose veins, and it failed badly, causing the swelling to double in both legs, and now I am waiting for my brother to call me and tell my “Mom can’t get up…”.
My fathers family stupidly long medical history is to be saved for another day… lets just say my heart murmur, astigmatisms in both eyes and TERRIBLE eye sight comes from that side… along with sadly, some other things.

We had our freak out/breakdown moment after we got to the car; I cried, Una and Alice both where crying while trying to comfort me, Khala and Xero sat in shock, and Emily did everything she could to hold back her rage at the situation. My mother only seems to show concern when it’s considered a real disease to her. I told her since I have to go to the hospital we both work at to get this test, and immediately she is supportive, helpful, she even pulled her ranking in the hospital to get me in today, and so she could come with me and make sure it was read immediately.
Its almost painful to watch her be this supportive, but she never once believed I had DID or PTSD, or even my depression and anxiety. She never once wanted to come with me to an appointment to find out if I am doing okay, or even tried to make sure I am recieving the best possible care out there….
It honestly is so painful it makes it hard to breathe. My chest feels like someone decided to take a chisel and hammer, and thought that would make a wonderful way to open up a chest cavity while I’m still awake…
Everyone is against this, they protested and protested to the point my husband called off work to make sure he would be there, and to make sure that someone who honestly and truly cared and understood everything was there to advocate for me incase things go a tad south.
I already wrote up the power of attorney and the medical will with him, and he did his as well. My mother was pissed when I made my husband my PoA, but to be completely honest and excuse the language?
She can go fuck herself. She never fucking cared, and why in the fucking hell would she start now? Because to her, CANCER is real but BUT WE ARE NOT? WELL FUCK YOU THEN. She never once showed she cared for any of us, and frankly the only one who did is the only one making an extremely hard effort to keep being included in my recovery, and to go with me to every single appointment to make sure everything is okay, and nothing is happening that I am handling alone.

Also, the previous comment was Emily’s, if you couldn’t already notice that ^_^;
See? She does like my husband… that’s good at least.

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