Something Different…

My staph infection is finally gone, my test was cleared… but sadly more seems to pile onto me. I have found out my new friend knows my psychologist, so it made it easier to talk to her about what happened.
Last Wednesday, I helped her with her son by returning him to his father. Police escort, the whole 9 yards. Well, we pull up and he’s trying to use binoculars to look inside the police car. Then I got out with her son who held onto my hand and the 2 officers.
When His dad came out, I felt that child tense uncontrollably, watched him go completely silent, his hand sweating, then when he let go, he walked robotic like towards his father.
We have seen that… multiple times in ourselves and in our brother.
Emily and Khala both came within seconds of being triggered, I had to turn and leave as quickly as possible before either of them killed him by accident…

When we got back, I explained it to her, but she seemed to not fully understand what I even was talking about, she didn’t understand…
Xero and Emily have been arguing since then. Khala wants to find him, abduct him, and make him die from pain… I just want them to stop arguing…
So on Thursday, my PSA passed his Good K-9 Citizenship test… so he’s now officially registered as my PSA. I took him to work with me on Saturday and Sunday, with my husband ill and all the stress going on with the triggering, it was good I did.
My work schedule was full of STAT cases… both Saturday and Sunday where all ER patients.

However on Monday (yesterday), my supervisor calls me to tell me, “It has been brought to my attention that you brought your dog.” I told him yes because he is fully certified now. He told me “That was not part of the original accommodations, and you cannot bring him since he poses a threat our clientele…”
I lost it… According to ADA law, I am allowed to have him, I do not work in a area that needs to be sterile for operations or burn units… I have my RIGHT to bring him… but due to them insisting I need documentation and saying mine isn’t enough I ended up switching to Emily.
My husband and PSA sat with me for 5 hours as Emily just sat there; no speaking, and not even moving. The anger I had was just… I can’t even describe it sadly.
Today I told my psychologist, and she helped me look up the rules and stat/national registries. She helped me print out the rules and get Merlin registered, she said in her own words “What there pulling is bullshit.”
She told me to give her the numbers to call them, and I was to set up the next ADA appointment and bring them a copy of those rules/laws that she gave me. So I am… but I feel so awful in general…

We are so triggered by everything right now, I can’t even tell you all how many times we’ve switched around… I don’t even remember most of Wednesday night and Thursday… all I remember is the K9 test. Xero has been in a self mutilation mood… Emily wants to slam her head into a wall… Alice and Rina are doing what they can to help me numb out… I’m just… I just wish something different would happen instead of the same things repeating, on different days………

Standing Still

I had a friend stay the night last night, it was extremely hard, she still hasn’t met all of them… and she says that she will never tuck tail and leave. However, I’ve heard it over and over from others, and they still ran away. I explained that paranoia to her, but she smiled and told me she understood. I really do hope she won’t run, she is the first female I have found, who understands at an extremely close level of our understanding….
We don’t feel alone in our battle anymore.

She has her own set of problems; stuff with children, family, legal, illness… etc. But she and I seem to have this, deeper more personal understanding of our situations than anyone else, even deeper than my husbands, which tends to annoy him. He doesn’t like it, and we’ve argued a few times about it, but I still stand my ground… she’s the first female who sees the world the way we do.
We have one other person who seems to also share that bond, but he lives more than an hour from us, so it’s hard. She lives less than 10 minutes. I still speak to him, frequently about things I can’t really discuss with my husband… honestly, I am still waiting for him to read my book, and every time I ask, I am told ‘I need to be in a reading mood’…

Una is starting to get fed up, Xero and Emily are still arguing about our friend’s ex who seems to threaten people, and eventually, he will find me. Xero says we should cut all ties, Emily says we have protection and her… and frankly all of us but Xero agree with Emily. We have never run from someone who needs help, we have always helped those who are fighting, Xero knows that however lately he seems to be more selfish. I’m trying to figure out why, but he seems adamant on not explaining himself…
Rina and Alice seem happy now that they are together, I think Alice doesn’t feel as alone as before, which I am very happy about.
Khala and I seem to be on a better understanding of money again, she is slowly understanding why what she did was wrong, and why her budget has been severely reduced.

Even though I’m making progress… I feel like I’m just frozen, standing still as I watch the world around me move. I remain unchanged as everything ages, dies, is born again, and so on… I am unsure on how to handle this. I see a neurologist finally in September, hopefully, they can help with these horrible migraines I seem to get from the micro switches and forced switching… They don’t mean it, but they can’t seem to fix it themselves…I don’t blame them, I never can. I just hope these friendships we have managed to make stay around for a very, very long time…

Haunted

I didn’t sleep at all last night. Xero and Emily where fighting with each other again, Xero being scared, Emily saying she had faith in her and my husbands abilities… I get sick of it sometimes. I understand Xero’s point, but Emily makes a very valid point… we aren’t by ourselves… we have a husband who loves and cares for us, and we have 2 friends now who, even though they both know I have DID and have met a few of them, still are here, fighting my fight with me.
Sometimes I wish I could just… turn off the volume in my head, or block them out. Alice and Rina both cuddled up with me. Una just sighed as she watched. In the morning, Una took control and called our psychologist, then when I asked why she did that she said, “You are in no shape to drive right now, now go sleep.” I really couldn’t argue with her, my body was completely achy, my brain was throbbing, and I could barely keep focus for more then 30 seconds.
I managed to get a few hours after Una told me to sleep, but I still feel like shit. Memory lapses plus a depression spike never go well together… Xero has been extremely tempted to cut again, even Khala doesn’t feel like doing anything… and that’s not normal for her.

It’s a weird spike, but I am hoping with time it will pass… after being sick all that time, we’re all feeling pretty worthless I guess. My husband has been extremely affectionate, which helps, but sadly he can’t understand everything the way we wish he did… no one really can, not unless they lived in my head too.
I’m falling behind in work and even some classes  I decided to take… this isn’t a good week… or really this whole year hasn’t been that good…

 

That’s about all I’ve got…. my focus is just… not here.

Razors Edge

Last Tuesday I went to get my biopsy area looked at, due to the fact it was still oozing and was swollen red still. They told me it could be Mrsa or Staph, and ran blood tests. I am allergic to the antibiotics they would use for both… so it was tough. Luckily it was Staph, but it didn’t make things any less harder.

Xero threw a fit, saying he told us, but we wouldn’t listen. He tried to hurt himself, but the blade was too dull to do any real damage. The short time Una took control, she called my brother and had him come over. He had to pry the blade out of Xero’s hands and lingered until my husband came home, explained the situation, then went home. My husband was extremely understanding, and once Xero realized his plans were spoiled, he finally gave back control. My hand looks like a cat attacked it, which is better than normal. My fever spiked on Thursday night up to 102.9, causing not only me to be in bed for almost a week and a half, but the others to be down and out as well. We have never done sick well, the others have a harder time with it than I do, and I still don’t handle it well.
We talked to Gail our psychologist, turns out I have 6 altars, not 5. She said that according to Alice, her name is Rina, and she is also a little one. She can speak, but cannot read or write. My psychologist thinks she is a piece of Alice that split off, the victim part.
I confirmed this yesterday, while my husband and I were playing a video game together. He began to get frustrated with the game and it freezing randomly, he yelled and cursed at it which never bothers me. However, the moment he relapsed into beating up his keyboard something just snapped within me. He told me there was a loud thud, which startled him, and when he turned around, Rina was under my desk rocking back and forth, saying over and over: I’ll be a good girl, I won’t do it ever again, please don’t hurt me I promise I will be good.

He said it took over an hour for me to come back, and told me he spoke to her, and found her name was Rina, and she was 7 years old. Now that she is with the others, she resembled the flower plants from little shop of horrors, except she uses the vines to slide across the ground. Her and Alice are happy playing together, they both decided to room together as well. I am glad Alice has someone… I always feel bad when I leave, the others go off and do their own thing, and she is always left alone…
My body is still weak from being so sick, and Xero is on lock down for breaking the rules. Khala helped me clean today, surprisingly. She seems to have grown a little, I’m glad and happy for her, now if only we could get her t0 understand emotion more… that would be fantastic.
I finally told my parents in law about my diagnoses as well. I haven’t heard back, so I am slightly worried. I am tired of keeping it a secret from everyone… especially the parts of my family who honestly do love and care about me. I lost 4 people today as well because of their ignorance…
They told me they understood and wouldn’t ever be afraid of me, however, the moment Una was triggered, they tuck tail and run. I am so sick and tired of it, the lies, the uneducated, the ignorants… I’m just done with it. I only kept the people who really do love and care, and got rid of the rest… I’m fine with that. My husband was proud of how I handled it, and I frankly and proud of myself as well. We’re slowly learning how to function within the real world… Una wasn’t even mean to them, she DEFENDED the person who left because of her and the others… it’s sad really, but I guess we learned our lesson. Una herself even stated she was never going to defend someone again unless she knows for a fact they are well aware and unafraid of all of us… not just her.

Paper Boats

Since last week, my biopsy area has been irritated and frankly it hurts to wear a bra. So I decided over the weekend I’d call my doctor on Monday. Sunday night I began having an upper respiratory issue, which has made all of us pretty disabled. We have a hard time doing sick, we feel helpless, and whenever someone tries to help, it affects them intensely.
Work was hard, but we would rather be miserable and being productive, than being miserable at home, bored out of our skull. Xero is having the most issues as of right now, he and Emily both are unable to really do much when we’re all sick…

When I went to see my primary care doctor, she took one look at my breast and gasped. She has her RN draw my blood and then sat down with me and said I could have one of two things at this moment; Cellulitis or Mrsa. That’s right, freaking Mrsa. She said until I get my blood cultures back, I am to remain on house lockdown to lower the risk of spreading. Xero just about threw a fit, claiming he was right all along and that something bad happened because of the biopsy… the thing is I could of received the infection from anything, not just the procedure. Though it’s a higher possibility, the fact still remains it might not of… plus I might now even have it.
Xero has been having trouble since we’re sick anyways, which is causing strain on us all. Khala tried to come out, but the sinus pain was way too much for her, so she couldn’t even finish getting dressed.
Even Alice is having a tough time. Luckily my psychologist still saw us today, she helped talk Xero down, and we began to speak more about the alters again.

Turns out Khala is right handed, when I am primarily left-handed, Alice and Una are also left handed. Emily and Xero I believe are too… or Xero is also right handed, but his handwriting is so wild it looks like scribbles. They all did handwriting samples for her, and apparently, I have another alter hiding somewhere, because instead of five, I have six samples of handwriting, and the sixth only says Hello. So We’re trying to locate this insider, I don’t want them to be separated from the rest of us if we can help it… we are a family in a sense. Gail thinks it probably wants to join us, but it’s afraid too. She plans on helping us find it.
I guess all I can do is just ride out this infection and sinus infection… the others agree we don’t have much of a choice right now. I’m going to go lay back down now….

Kill The Lights

I have been behind again, and I am sorry for that. It’s been storming, and the power is in and out… it’s been wonderful to hear the thunder and rain, to feel it. My last two weeks have been hard, last week I went to a convention, the first one I have been too in several years, and it was great… until my friend left me. I told them in the beginning I can’t be left in a huge crowd alone due to my anxity, they agreed it wouldn’t happen, then when the cosplay contest ended, they broke that promise to me.
With so many people bumping into me and within my personal space, Xero had enough, he helped us get out, then her rocked back and forth within our car, causing Alice to take over.
Sunday we didn’t even go, we stayed home as our husband did everything he could to be there for us… we all were effected, it wasn’t just me this time. Then Monday came, the new biopsy date was set for Tuesday, however my husband couldn’t go. Xero began to panic, causing Alice to freak out slightly which started a giant chain reaction… so we went to the only other person we trusted on this planet, my brother.
He said he would be more then happy to go with me, to hold my hand and make sure that we all were safe. He didn’t know what exactly they where going to do, so he called my mother for clarification, which caused her to call me.
“You’re brother doesn’t know how to say no to you, but he feels very uncomfortable with doing this, why don’t you just have me go with you.” It sent a jolt through my system, if he was so upset why didn’t he just say no? I told him he could, but he kept assuring me he was okay with it. I tried my very best to tell her ‘no you just can’t.’ Then she’d ask why, I’d say I don’t know… but then she said, “You’re acting like a child, grow up for gods sake.” and I finally lost it.
I told her my alters didn’t trust her, that was why. When she asked why they didn’t, I told her it’s because the way she treated me growing up. Being called Stupid, fat, ugly, saying things like you will never make friends if you act like this, or even the WONDERFUL phrases; you’re going through a phase, you’re faking it, stop lying, none of this is real…. when it came to my mental health, she bashed me into the ground.
She tried to claim she never said those things, and it’s just my bad memory, but I told her if my husband remembers her saying that, then it’s not my memory that’s bad.
She began to yell at me, and finally Una took over and hung up the phone. She texted my husband to call, and when he did she let me cry and talk to him. He said he would go talk to my brother, because my brother looks up to him, my husband is the only person my brother can’t lie too.

My brother told my husband he never said that, he was just calling for clarification on the procedure. He knew and understood why it was important for him to be there, and that he wanted to be picked up in the morning. When we did, and we dropped my husband off at work, he turned to me and asked me what our mother said. When I told him, he rolled his eyes and sighed deeply, “I would never say that, and I’m so sorry.”
I ended up crying a little, but he just hugged me. The second biopsy was worse then the first one… a bigger needle, more pass troughs; it hurt even with lidocaine. I ended up switching to Alice on the end, I was bleeding more because of the bigger needle and extra passes, and because of that they had to apply harder pressure then normal. It was so painful, Alice forced me to retreat. But even then, due to the pain she was still feeling, our stress level spiked, causing Emily to hover. My BP spiked extremely high, causing the Tech to suddenly hover around… My brother could feel the tension, so he tapped the tech on the shoulder and said to give us a few minutes.
He saw Emily coming before I did, he said to her that it was okay, and he was there to make sure everything was okay, then she quickly gave back control.
He just hugged me as I breathed deeply, trying to calm myself. Then when the tech came back I was fine. He even made our mother buy us breakfast by using the fact I was, in his words ‘shanked in the boob’ as a guilt trip. It made me laugh, I love my brother.

Then later after I saw my psychologist my car decided to die, causing us to spiral. Thankfully my psychologist was there still, and noticed. She ran out to try and help us, brought us inside and kept us calm so my husband could come rescue me. He came and got me and towed my car back home. My psychologist explained to him I switched multiple times, and I will have the headache for a few days, so to be careful with me… she wasn’t kidding.
It feels like someone is taking a fork and stabbing my eyes, trying to tare them from my skull, as someone else is taking a rail road spike around base of my neck/back of my head and hammering upwards into my brain… Una is working with the others to try and make transitioning less painful for me… but so far, we haven’t found a way.
The one upside of this week, is the fact we met someone in person who understands us on the same level we understand. She is so kind, and seems to feel the same way we do; how wonderful to find someone other then a psychologist who understands like we do. Her and I and very close, and it’s nice to finally have a girl whose a friend to hang out with again… I’ve missed it.

Its raining again here, and we’re sitting on our pouch with the animals all curled up with us, watching, feeling, hearing, smelling and tasting this wonderful storm, it puts us in a strange tranquil peace… I wonder why that is. Maybe it’s the double rainbow on the other side of the storm…2011-07-09_20.08.58

When It Rains, It Pours

I love when it rains; the wind, thunder, lightning, even the rain itself is extremely soothing to us. Meeting with our psychologist today was interesting, she thinks Khala is the part of me that wishes to be heard, and represents the part of me that never was. I think it’s an interesting idea, but I honestly don’t know for sure…
Una says not all of them knew there functions right away, even she didn’t, but she said they came because I needed them, and that’s all that should matter

Tomorrow is week two for my service dog training courses, Merlin seems to be doing well, upside is I have shaved off a year on my training since he already knows and does the jobs I need him to do. It’s still unsettling having to go were other people look and you and think ‘your not disabled… why are you here?’
Well, that’s what Xero thinks anyways…. its hard to really blame him.

My migraine is worse… I’ve had it since Sunday. Finding a neurologist who will honestly treat me, is hard. Most refuse because they think I’m ‘to dangerous’ to treat because of the unpredictability…. Una and I are thinking the migraines are tied to the forceful switching some of them do, so we are working on a way to make it less painful for me.
Sorry this is so short… it’s just… not a good day.