Kill The Lights

I have been behind again, and I am sorry for that. It’s been storming, and the power is in and out… it’s been wonderful to hear the thunder and rain, to feel it. My last two weeks have been hard, last week I went to a convention, the first one I have been too in several years, and it was great… until my friend left me. I told them in the beginning I can’t be left in a huge crowd alone due to my anxity, they agreed it wouldn’t happen, then when the cosplay contest ended, they broke that promise to me.
With so many people bumping into me and within my personal space, Xero had enough, he helped us get out, then her rocked back and forth within our car, causing Alice to take over.
Sunday we didn’t even go, we stayed home as our husband did everything he could to be there for us… we all were effected, it wasn’t just me this time. Then Monday came, the new biopsy date was set for Tuesday, however my husband couldn’t go. Xero began to panic, causing Alice to freak out slightly which started a giant chain reaction… so we went to the only other person we trusted on this planet, my brother.
He said he would be more then happy to go with me, to hold my hand and make sure that we all were safe. He didn’t know what exactly they where going to do, so he called my mother for clarification, which caused her to call me.
“You’re brother doesn’t know how to say no to you, but he feels very uncomfortable with doing this, why don’t you just have me go with you.” It sent a jolt through my system, if he was so upset why didn’t he just say no? I told him he could, but he kept assuring me he was okay with it. I tried my very best to tell her ‘no you just can’t.’ Then she’d ask why, I’d say I don’t know… but then she said, “You’re acting like a child, grow up for gods sake.” and I finally lost it.
I told her my alters didn’t trust her, that was why. When she asked why they didn’t, I told her it’s because the way she treated me growing up. Being called Stupid, fat, ugly, saying things like you will never make friends if you act like this, or even the WONDERFUL phrases; you’re going through a phase, you’re faking it, stop lying, none of this is real…. when it came to my mental health, she bashed me into the ground.
She tried to claim she never said those things, and it’s just my bad memory, but I told her if my husband remembers her saying that, then it’s not my memory that’s bad.
She began to yell at me, and finally Una took over and hung up the phone. She texted my husband to call, and when he did she let me cry and talk to him. He said he would go talk to my brother, because my brother looks up to him, my husband is the only person my brother can’t lie too.

My brother told my husband he never said that, he was just calling for clarification on the procedure. He knew and understood why it was important for him to be there, and that he wanted to be picked up in the morning. When we did, and we dropped my husband off at work, he turned to me and asked me what our mother said. When I told him, he rolled his eyes and sighed deeply, “I would never say that, and I’m so sorry.”
I ended up crying a little, but he just hugged me. The second biopsy was worse then the first one… a bigger needle, more pass troughs; it hurt even with lidocaine. I ended up switching to Alice on the end, I was bleeding more because of the bigger needle and extra passes, and because of that they had to apply harder pressure then normal. It was so painful, Alice forced me to retreat. But even then, due to the pain she was still feeling, our stress level spiked, causing Emily to hover. My BP spiked extremely high, causing the Tech to suddenly hover around… My brother could feel the tension, so he tapped the tech on the shoulder and said to give us a few minutes.
He saw Emily coming before I did, he said to her that it was okay, and he was there to make sure everything was okay, then she quickly gave back control.
He just hugged me as I breathed deeply, trying to calm myself. Then when the tech came back I was fine. He even made our mother buy us breakfast by using the fact I was, in his words ‘shanked in the boob’ as a guilt trip. It made me laugh, I love my brother.

Then later after I saw my psychologist my car decided to die, causing us to spiral. Thankfully my psychologist was there still, and noticed. She ran out to try and help us, brought us inside and kept us calm so my husband could come rescue me. He came and got me and towed my car back home. My psychologist explained to him I switched multiple times, and I will have the headache for a few days, so to be careful with me… she wasn’t kidding.
It feels like someone is taking a fork and stabbing my eyes, trying to tare them from my skull, as someone else is taking a rail road spike around base of my neck/back of my head and hammering upwards into my brain… Una is working with the others to try and make transitioning less painful for me… but so far, we haven’t found a way.
The one upside of this week, is the fact we met someone in person who understands us on the same level we understand. She is so kind, and seems to feel the same way we do; how wonderful to find someone other then a psychologist who understands like we do. Her and I and very close, and it’s nice to finally have a girl whose a friend to hang out with again… I’ve missed it.

Its raining again here, and we’re sitting on our pouch with the animals all curled up with us, watching, feeling, hearing, smelling and tasting this wonderful storm, it puts us in a strange tranquil peace… I wonder why that is. Maybe it’s the double rainbow on the other side of the storm…2011-07-09_20.08.58

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