I didn’t sleep at all last night. Xero and Emily where fighting with each other again, Xero being scared, Emily saying she had faith in her and my husbands abilities… I get sick of it sometimes. I understand Xero’s point, but Emily makes a very valid point… we aren’t by ourselves… we have a husband who loves and cares for us, and we have 2 friends now who, even though they both know I have DID and have met a few of them, still are here, fighting my fight with me.
Sometimes I wish I could just… turn off the volume in my head, or block them out. Alice and Rina both cuddled up with me. Una just sighed as she watched. In the morning, Una took control and called our psychologist, then when I asked why she did that she said, “You are in no shape to drive right now, now go sleep.” I really couldn’t argue with her, my body was completely achy, my brain was throbbing, and I could barely keep focus for more then 30 seconds.
I managed to get a few hours after Una told me to sleep, but I still feel like shit. Memory lapses plus a depression spike never go well together… Xero has been extremely tempted to cut again, even Khala doesn’t feel like doing anything… and that’s not normal for her.
It’s a weird spike, but I am hoping with time it will pass… after being sick all that time, we’re all feeling pretty worthless I guess. My husband has been extremely affectionate, which helps, but sadly he can’t understand everything the way we wish he did… no one really can, not unless they lived in my head too.
I’m falling behind in work and even some classes I decided to take… this isn’t a good week… or really this whole year hasn’t been that good…
That’s about all I’ve got…. my focus is just… not here.