Pain

It’s been a bit, we have been busy with so much.
Our school gave us the name of a legal advocate, with there help we filed a complaint and from what she tells me they are already back peddling pretty fast. Serves those people right.
We got accepted into college finally, however we are still not really sure how well it will go… so we are starting with one or two classes and then if we feel okay, we’ll add more. My PSA got accepted by my work, so I can bring him.

All in all we are surviving. Sadly yesterday a dear friend of mine started her legal battle with CPS… and it sparked…. memories. I wasn’t sure what was happening at first, but then I tried everything I could to suppress it… I wasn’t ready. My husband said I was Rina the rest of the night, she tried to take pills, cut herself, etc….
She seemed extremely suicidal, and I wasn’t sure why, no one really was. Alice ended up taking some control, causing Rina to cry in the corner. My husband said he was glad Alice stopped her… but it opens up another realm of questions for us.

Why?
I never thought I had a suicidal alter… let alone feelings like that. I know Alice helps me suppress a lot of my self mutilation tenancies, so maybe she helps suppress that side as well?
No one is really sure, not even Alice herself.

Rina did manage to cut pretty deep, but thankfully I have a husband who is extremely patient and helpful… despite the fact Rina can be extremely hard to deal with.
I’m hoping my throbbing skull will calm soon… and the fact my side burns isn’t helping… I know it’s not our faults, but for some reason I can’t help feel it is, at least, my fault. I should of been able to help Rina, I should of been able to suppress those memories….
But I guess we can’t always do/have what we want and need…..

Fed To The Den Of Wolves….

So, I had my ADA meeting today with my place of employment. Last Monday my supervisor told me not to bring my PSA with me to work, and I explained it was my legal right and he told me “Now, don’t bring the law into this. I have been nothing but supportive of you.”
Una almost had a meltdown. He lost all trust we had by belittling is like we didn’t understand…. We did bring the our PSA without telling them, but I thought I was legally allowed after I finished his certifications… but anyways…
Then today was the icing on the cake sadly.

I was late sadly due to traffic, but I got there and gave them my psychologist note and my doctors note saying its medically needed for me. Even with all that, I was told by this ‘ADA advocate’ “I can’t tell you yes or no… we have to ask corporate.”
1) I don’t work in an area that is considered ‘sterile’ according to my own SUPERVISOR.2) Allergy is not a reason to deny my PSA… its says so in the ADA laws…

But basically I was told to not bring him until they give me an answer. He asked if there was any other way we can ‘avoid’ bringing my PSA… and I told him ‘well… replace my brain with a healthy one.’ and he didn’t like Una’s sarcasm, but what else are we suppose to say? “I’m being serious…” “Well so am I… I didn’t chose to be like this, I’m stuck with this the rest of my life.”
So after that honestly shit show… I went and sat with my mother, she isn’t getting involved which is better… but as my mother she agreed I need my PSA… Then my supervisor came back, knocked on the door and said “the ADA advocate thought of another solution.” So I went into the office and closed the door, thinking this would be productive…
O god did I not realize the hell we where walking into.
He began asking me about my alters, what there purpose was, what there functions are, and if any of them are self-mutilators. I told him my PSA helps with my nervous ticks (picking at my legs and fingers) but he said “No I want to know which alters hurt themselves.” Because he kept pressuring me to answer, I caved and said “I have 2 that self punish.” The he said the one thing we all lost it on…

I need to know this by law, because I want to make sure you are not a danger to the workplace or the patients.

I tried to speak up, but he kept talking over me, I busted into tears and told him if he has more questions to speak to my psychologist and I ran out of the office. I called my psychologist and left a message, then I called my husband. He tried extremely hard to keep me calm, but I ended up bawling in my car. He asked if he needed to come down, but I told him Una can drive.
Una got us all home safe, then we bawled a bit more with my husband. When my psychologist called me back and I told her what happened, she was pissed. She said for me to wait to speak to anyone from there about anything until she speaks with her legal advisor about the situation… apparently the advisor broke more then a few laws during that meeting according to her, and the fact they treat my DID like it’s nothing is starting to rub her the wrong way.

I’m tired of everyone looking at me like I’m so animal, or that I’m a lair, or that I’m a danger to everyone… did you idiots ever stop to think maybe the one in danger is me? I’m triggered by smells, sounds, situations… for gods sake I was triggered by something I didn’t even pick up, ALICE DID.
If I could snap my fingers… I would be normal. But that’s not how things work, and my siblings are all I have right now who are helping me stay calm… but I just…. I’m so numbed out, and we’re all in chaos.

 

I don’t know what to do… for the first time, none of us know what the hell we’re suppose to do… My sanctuary is starting to fucking crumble apart again…

Poem Post #1 – Disappearing

The Clouds have darkened
The storm has brewed
You are drifting away,
More sooner then I feared.

The Memories rush,
Of all the good things.
Then the thunder cracks,
You have disappeared from me.

All I can say,
Is you’ll be in my heart all the same.
The good, bad, and even beautiful memories.
However, the worst will always haunt me.
If you can hear me now,
I love you and please don’t forget me.

> Alice <

Khala Post!

Though most don’t share my view, I tend to look at humans as toys. It’s not my fault there easily manipulated and really easy to twist around my fingers, honestly it’s just fun! My siblings seem to not share this view, and I seem to piss her off more then anyone when I ‘misbehave’…

But can you really blame me? They treated her like garbage for YEARS, they still do. I’m just making sure she’s well compensated for her troubles. I got a wonderful gentleman to buy me 3 things of nail polish with just batting my eyes and saying someone stole my wallet…
Cake.
Then when I show her my gift, she gets mad and just tells me it’s wrong, what’s so wrong with it? I don’t understand this whole ‘right and wrong’ concept… all I know if I get things she wants, and in my honest opinion she deserves… I don’t really care what anyone thinks.

I still love my family, and I have understood recently why I can’t use her money since we need to live as well, but that doesn’t mean I have to stop getting free things… I mean, isn’t that better?

Well, I’m off to paint our nails and do some light internet shopping, chao~

xoxo
Khala

Tao/Xero Post…

Sometimes I wish I could explain things to people, like why I was triggered, what triggered my break down, etc.
However sadly, I don’t get that option. Yesterday I was in kind of a bleh funk, then I said something to my husband that, in my opinion, triggered a memory I wasn’t allowed to have yet. Alice took it away, then I just broke down in his arms and said ‘I can’t even explain it…’.
One thing I can say, is he understands a bit better then most. He just smiled and told me he understood. He’s the only person I haven’t had to explain myself, or defend myself. Hew just, gets it. There are others in my life I wish were like him, others to where if only they knew when I said ‘I want to be alone’ really meant ‘please don’t leave me by myself…’
My alters and I tend to tell people to stay away, mostly because we’re scared of how they will react to us. Every time, people do as they ask… when really none of us want to be alone when were triggered, it’s scary, and I guess some alters the loneliness isn’t good, if anything it makes things worse. Alice was out for a while, then I went to Una to help me fill out the food stamp application, then I went about my night.
Today my head felt like someone put an ice pick through it, so we were stuck until it stopped… then we received a phone call.
A relative of mine was passing and we had to go say goodbye.

Right now, being alone just reminds me how much I hate people, how no one can see past themselves. But then again… I am not really sure what else to do here. I handle depression, the fear, even the paranoia I share with her, but to this day, being alone scares me more then anyone of my siblings. I understand why she hates it, and I understand why she craves human connection, I do the same. However when we get hurt, or treated badly… it always reminds me of how awful humanity tends to be. I think it’s time for a horror movie or 7…