Sometimes I wish I could explain things to people, like why I was triggered, what triggered my break down, etc.
However sadly, I don’t get that option. Yesterday I was in kind of a bleh funk, then I said something to my husband that, in my opinion, triggered a memory I wasn’t allowed to have yet. Alice took it away, then I just broke down in his arms and said ‘I can’t even explain it…’.
One thing I can say, is he understands a bit better then most. He just smiled and told me he understood. He’s the only person I haven’t had to explain myself, or defend myself. Hew just, gets it. There are others in my life I wish were like him, others to where if only they knew when I said ‘I want to be alone’ really meant ‘please don’t leave me by myself…’
My alters and I tend to tell people to stay away, mostly because we’re scared of how they will react to us. Every time, people do as they ask… when really none of us want to be alone when were triggered, it’s scary, and I guess some alters the loneliness isn’t good, if anything it makes things worse. Alice was out for a while, then I went to Una to help me fill out the food stamp application, then I went about my night.
Today my head felt like someone put an ice pick through it, so we were stuck until it stopped… then we received a phone call.
A relative of mine was passing and we had to go say goodbye.
Right now, being alone just reminds me how much I hate people, how no one can see past themselves. But then again… I am not really sure what else to do here. I handle depression, the fear, even the paranoia I share with her, but to this day, being alone scares me more then anyone of my siblings. I understand why she hates it, and I understand why she craves human connection, I do the same. However when we get hurt, or treated badly… it always reminds me of how awful humanity tends to be. I think it’s time for a horror movie or 7…