Ramblings

Apologies, it’s been rather crazy as of late. Here in the US, we had our election, and sadly the people voted in a rather stupid human being. One of my close friends called me and helped me cry over the phone, he did as well since he has been placed on the Autism Spectrum, and understands the impact this can cause.
This man, Donald Trump, has nothing but ill will towards the mental health community, and people who are disabled by these mental illnesses. However, after I cried and went through a day of depression with my alters, we pulled it back together.
Just because he’s a bigot, doesn’t mean I need to be one too.

Because I live in a rather large city, since election day I have seen racial and sexist words, hate, and violence break out. I even was almost attacked by someone because I ‘didn’t look disabled’ and I need to be ‘purged to make America great again’. I haven’t told my husband, honestly he doesn’t need to concern himself with it. There was a lady who walked up to me and helped me, she had a hijab on, and we seemed to bond over it.

My alters and I are not ones to take this kind of thing laying down, upside is my therapy must be working because Emily didn’t beat the crap out of this guy who was cornering us. Then Una fed me some decent insults to throw at a man who was verbally abusing an Asian woman who was making sushi at the grocery store.
At least I’m slowly making some progress.

I have yet to receive my Attorney General letter in the mail, it’s beginning to twig Xero out slightly. Gail finally got to meet Emily, and it was nice to finally have someone tell me they understand when I say Emily isn’t a raging hate machine like most think she is. Gail told me she thinks she one of the most complex alters within my system, and says she’s good for all of us.
Rina went through a pretty bad spit this past Monday and Tuesday, however when your so exhausted your alters are even feeling those effects, theirs not a whole lot She could do. We slept for almost 2 days straight after we worked 3 days straight. The moral of this is to not do it anymore… especially covering an area that was absolute hell for us.

Alice has been working on her typing skills so she can communicate with Gail better, and we have hopefully have found a real psychiatrist instead of these Psychiatric Nurse people. I won’t know until I get the phone call back about making a new appointment. Anyways… I think I’m done rambling.

Where Is My Rabbit Hole?

Today in the United States is our election…. and I am terrified of it. No matter which way you look, neither person would be beneficial for mental illness, or even our country as a whole.
Trump claims mental illness is our faults… like we chose to be ‘messed up’ or ‘sick’. He’s a snake, a liar, and wants nothing more then to screw us over.
Hilary is a liar, and honestly sometimes I wounder if she isn’t crazy herself. She’s a fake, and honestly… she also could screw us over.

Neither is good for us.

I am going to go crawl into a hole until this is all over… then when I find out the results, maybe I will end up having to evacuate to Canada or something…

Fall Apart

Today isn’t a very good day.
I got home from my graveyard shift and didn’t fall asleep until almost 8AM, then thanks to these wonderful nightmare spikes as of late, I was up at 10AM. I haven’t managed to go back to sleep yet…

I am currently sitting here at work deciding whether I need to get a caffeine IV going or not, fighting off my urge to just close my eyes… even the others are tired. We’re to the point of complete and total exhaustion.
Una can’t even try and be nice, Xero is… well silent and that’s not even normal. Alice and Rina keep dozing off. Khala is silent which is a bloody miracle on it’s own… and Emily and I are the only ones trying to stay semi coherent at this point. We’ve done about 50 micro switches already… and I haven’t even been here for 2 hours.
Then, I had someone ask where my PSA Merlin was at, and I just…. I lost it. I started to cry, thankfully my tech said ‘don’t even ask, it’s a long story.’ They left without farther probing, but I stat within the tiny office I am confined too and cried.
He didn’t know how to really approach it, so he shut the door, and let me just get it out. Emily did what she could to comfort me since Alice is out of commission thanks to this wave of complete and utter tiredness. Sadly, she’s still fuming over the incident, and I frankly can’t blame her… I have to admit I am still extremely hurt by this. Tonight I really seriously need him…
But sadly, uneducated people once again think they can stand up on there pistil’s of sand and think there god.
I can’t wait to watch them fall… I can’t wait to watch this whole place fucking burn for what they did to us….

Sorry. This topic is extremely hard on Us. It’s hard on her too. She isn’t in the greatest state of mind. But I will do what is needed. Even if it’s not wanted. My family. Even if they drive me nuts. Is everything to me. Everything to her.
I will do what I must to protect Us.

Why Do I Have To Apologize?

I try very hard… to do what I can to help people understand my DID; I have books, I have papers, and I have websites I give to people, recommend to people… But it always seems to become extremely apparent that they didn’t decide to take those few extra moments to try and learn.
Instead I’m called a liar, names, and told to ‘suck it up’ and ‘your fine’…. No, I’m not fine. And no, I’m not going to apologize for being this way…

I suffer from horrible night terrors from memories I can’t even remember the next day. I constantly have to keep sticky notes and a bullet journal to just remember what I’m even going to do within the day… let alone the next day. I can’t always remember what you say to me… and when I ask you 10 different times to repeat yourself, I know its frustrating… how do you think I feel when you tell me you’ve told me already?
My panic attacks last hours and sometimes days, my ‘episodes’ as some call it can last weeks or months, and it can all be triggered from a god damn smell or sound….
I can’t be alone, if I don’t have my PSA or my animals at home with me, I would lose it. I can’t go through a medical procedure and be put out without my husband present before and after…. I can’t make my own health decisions on my own because the majority says I can’t… so my husband has to be apart of everything I do.

I didn’t chose to be like this, I didn’t consciously make this choice. I was beaten down physical, emotionally and mentally to the point my brain had 2 choices; break or survive. So my brain chose fight, survive, no matter the cost. If that makes me a liar, if that makes me a coward, if that makes me a pussy, if that makes me childish, if that means I can’t suck it up or be ‘okay’… Then fine. I have no regrets for having my siblings, I have no hatred towards them, honestly they’ve treated me better then most human beings have. So I am going to keep co-existing with them, I’m going to keep on moving forward, and keep trying to survive every day of my life while those who can’t even take a few moments sit on there phones and let the media or stupid people fuel there opinions. I am done caring, I’m done trying to please everyone, I’m done.

Its time to just be Us, screw the rest of the world.

Updates

I went and met with the Attorney General, they were extremely nice. They wrote up the complaint and sent it out the same day, October 31st. They told me it could take up to a year to complete the investigation, but for me it’s about the principle of it.

On Tuesday Khala tried to run off and ‘have fun’. Only to be stopped by our alarm system and Merlin (PSA). She is currently pouting, but I know once things calm down, she will come forward and apologize.

I really don’t feel like writing much… it’s just… not a good week for us. We’re depressed, and everyone, including me are agitated for no real reasons….