I try very hard… to do what I can to help people understand my DID; I have books, I have papers, and I have websites I give to people, recommend to people… But it always seems to become extremely apparent that they didn’t decide to take those few extra moments to try and learn.
Instead I’m called a liar, names, and told to ‘suck it up’ and ‘your fine’…. No, I’m not fine. And no, I’m not going to apologize for being this way…
I suffer from horrible night terrors from memories I can’t even remember the next day. I constantly have to keep sticky notes and a bullet journal to just remember what I’m even going to do within the day… let alone the next day. I can’t always remember what you say to me… and when I ask you 10 different times to repeat yourself, I know its frustrating… how do you think I feel when you tell me you’ve told me already?
My panic attacks last hours and sometimes days, my ‘episodes’ as some call it can last weeks or months, and it can all be triggered from a god damn smell or sound….
I can’t be alone, if I don’t have my PSA or my animals at home with me, I would lose it. I can’t go through a medical procedure and be put out without my husband present before and after…. I can’t make my own health decisions on my own because the majority says I can’t… so my husband has to be apart of everything I do.
I didn’t chose to be like this, I didn’t consciously make this choice. I was beaten down physical, emotionally and mentally to the point my brain had 2 choices; break or survive. So my brain chose fight, survive, no matter the cost. If that makes me a liar, if that makes me a coward, if that makes me a pussy, if that makes me childish, if that means I can’t suck it up or be ‘okay’… Then fine. I have no regrets for having my siblings, I have no hatred towards them, honestly they’ve treated me better then most human beings have. So I am going to keep co-existing with them, I’m going to keep on moving forward, and keep trying to survive every day of my life while those who can’t even take a few moments sit on there phones and let the media or stupid people fuel there opinions. I am done caring, I’m done trying to please everyone, I’m done.
Its time to just be Us, screw the rest of the world.