Small Update

My test results came back, apparently I have a vit D deficiency. My neurologist said he doesn’t think it’s the cause of my migraines, which we already knew. We also began to discover what we hope to achieve with our psychologist.
She pointed out that our memory issues happen much more then I thought it did, also that any form of stress causes problems. She already knew any type of yelling or violence bothers us, so she said we have quite a bit to work on….
I’m not exactly thrilled. But at least we have a starting point now.

Other then that, I don’t have much today… my brain is pretty screwed up at this time. My disability started, so I no longer have to force myself to get up and go to that god awful place… but I’m still fighting the depression and agony.

Hope of Morning

Cigna is sending the needed documentation to me and my place of employment, as of today I am on disability. Despite knowing this, I still feel like my body is heavy with stress. We see our psychologist today, she told Emily on Tuesday that it’s because we are in a time of ‘crisis’ that it will take some time to return to normal…
What exactly is normal for us anyways…?

To be honest, I use to think I would trade my soul to be social normal, now I really wouldn’t. If it wasn’t for my siblings, pretty sure everything would be much, much worse. Thanks to my siblings I have met a handful of wonderful people who really love and want to understand me… and I really feel like I am so lucky to have those people.
But there are those times where I feel like I am alone, no matter how many people really rally behind me, cheering me on. They are not like me.
They don’t have voices in there heads helping you cope with everything, they don’t have there personalities fragmented in a way that you can’t really put it back together, they don’t have siblings like I do… well my version of it.
I guess that makes me feel alone at times, despite being among all these people who love me, I guess its hard when I have no one around me who is like us. Don’t get me wrong, I social network with a few others like us, but I have yet to meet them; or anyone like us in person. I guess its a weird feeling to explain…

Merlin has gotten his rabies and parvo update, he also received his new vest, all I need to do is sew on his patches. Hopefully the new vest will work out better, he looks more comfortable in it at least. He’s been glued to me since Monday morning, it’s been hard leaving the house without him; he tries to force himself out. My husband has been doing everything he can, but I can tell that current events are taking it’s toll.
Sometimes I wonder if he regrets his choice to be my husband, we aren’t exactly a walk in the park to be with. Our random flares of memory flash backs, random switching, unable to really remember something that was asked of us even 5 minutes later… etc…
He use to get angry, now he just seems frustrated but says he understands…. I really wonder if he does, but then I remember if he really did not want to be here, he wouldn’t be. He made his choice 100%, and from what he has said to me on this subject, he wouldn’t want it any other way.

I guess the hope of morning is starting to fade within my mind, the darkness seems to just creep up, begging for me to just float within it for oblivion. However, I guess that small glimmer of hope I still desperately hold onto makes it worth fighting for, makes me worth it… I just can’t give up this fight yet.

The Grey

We went and saw our psychologist yesterday. Emily ratted me out, explaining I have been over sleeping to the point of worrying my husband, and I am not eating. She had us fill out a few things, that she made a few phone calls herself.
We are suppose to receive a phone call from a psychiatrist sometime today, he specializes in disassociation. She explained it would be good to see someone who doesn’t dismiss my siblings as ‘no longer needed’ or ‘ not real’. She wrote me a letter about disability leave, and I am suppose to also receive a phone call from Cigna today to discuss the process.

I was revoked control rights for the last few days, so Una set everything up. I was picking to the point of bleeding, once I get into the realm of self mutilation, I guess I get my control revoked. Xero and Khala had to help get me out of bed the last 4 days, Merlin helped when I was fighting against it. He’s been attached to me since Saturday morning, seems he knew what was happening faster then I even did.
He has been redirecting my attention quite a bit, he’s doing just about everything he was taught to get me to avoid mutilating my fingers, arms, legs and seems I have picked up picking my face now.

I’ve been reading a bit about body art challenges and normal art challenges for mental health. I am thinking of trying one of them while all this is going on, I may not be amazing at art, but I feel it might be able to help me a little bit.
My breast ultrasound follow up is today, I’m not to excited. I also have blood work to do for the Depicote, to make sure it isn’t screwing with my pancreas.
Hopefully all will be okay… I am not excited, but my husband managed to get the day off, so I at least won’t be going alone. Merlin’s Rabies shot is scheduled for later this afternoon, so I am hoping after I get his rabies, I can start bringing him again.

 

Crumbling

Every time I walk into my place of employment, my stomach drops down to my feet. I sit in my chair, in my tiny space, trying to not eat my fingers and bash my head into the wall. This place is toxic…
It doesn’t help they won’t help let me have my service dog, but no matter how hard I work, it’s never enough. They always find something to yell at me about, to tell me I’m doing a horrible job, to criticize my every move. I’m at the point I really don’t know what to do, I still go every weekend, I force myself to smile and go about my work as if nothing is wrong.

During my days off I don’t want to do anything, I want to lay in bed and cry. I don’t want to shower, I don’t want to leave the house… I don’t want to draw or paint…. I just want to crawl deep into a very dark hole and hide for the rest of time.
My husband does what he can, but he sadly doesn’t know how to help and honestly I don’t know if he could. I have had a number of people tell me ‘Get over it’ or you’re on meds you will be fine’.
Yes, tell a depressed person to get over it… that TOTALLY helps.
Medication doesn’t work on my alters… so stop thinking medication is a one miracle fix for everything, and that it should just magically fix all my problems…. because it just doesn’t.
I have been thinking of going on short term disability, to try and regain some of my sanity, and to be with my service animal. I can’t keep forcing myself to come to a place that makes me feel so violated and destroyed….
The toxicity is slowly beginning to kill me…. I can’t eat, my stomach hurts, my body aches…. it’s slowly eating away at what little control I have.

My siblings are worried about me, last night Una had to drive home for me, today I almost couldn’t get out of bed, so Emily and Una both got me up, dressed and out the door. Una has been helping me off and on tonight… trying to get me through the night with as little damage as possible.
I’ve already split open 4 fingers and picked apart my right leg. My left is starting to get pretty bad… Alice has been bordering since I keep picking, Una tells me if I keep this up, Alice will push control since it’s her job to stop my self-harm before it gets too dangerous for me or anyone around me; since this place has deemed my picking is ‘dangerous’ to everyone around me.
I’m suffocating… I guess sometimes the darkness is kinder then the light… at least me and my siblings are safe and alone in the darkness, in the light everyone seems to just attack us for being ourselves, plus the light tends to burn after some time….

New Adventures

Today we decided to try something new, and attended an American Style Tribal Belly Dance class that is taught by my mentor and close friend. She helped me achieve high school graduation, and taught me that it’s okay to not have a good day, but that shouldn’t stop me from achieving what I want.
At first, it was extremely weird. I’m not nearly as flexible nor do I have the stamina, but it was quite fun.
The only thing that really rubbed me the wrong way was one of the advanced students came over to grab something out of her bag, then muttered under her breathe ‘This class is full of a bunch of rhinos.’
There were a few woman in the class that had curves, but I wasn’t understanding why that was such a huge issue. They still looked better then most oversized people. It made me extremely self conscious of my own body image, and caused me to sit out. At the end, my teacher when helped me through school approached me, we hugged and talked. Then she asked why I was sitting out on the end, and I told her what I heard, and how it made me feel overweight.

I am not sure what will happen, but she smiled at me and said ‘so am I, but I think having meat on us makes us sexy.’ It made me smile again, and she invited me to come back and join her beginner classes.
After discussing with my siblings, I plan too. Despite the rather negativity I experienced, my teacher assured me, that kind of disrespect isn’t tolerated and is dealt with quickly and quietly. Her classes are safe spaces for anyone to come and learn how to dance, something she has great passion in.
It will be good to have a hobby outside of the house… seems now all I do is stay home and do things within the safety of our home. It will be good for all of us to branch a little, besides Khala is all excited about the outfits, makeup, and other things she is happy to help with. I’m glad she seems interested in something other then… well… her normal stuff.

Spacial Reasoning (Khala + Tao Post)

Last night we ran into a rather… bad issue. During some marital relations with my husband, Khala had a hard time keeping our primal instincts locked up. Normally Khala is rather good at this, however due to recent events, she seems to be evolving (in a good way mind you), but due to this, she is having a hard time keeping up with her jobs.
This locked part was locked long before I even met my husband, because I would injure myself all the time. I lose myself within the bliss, causing my more… animalistic side to seemingly take over. I’ve scratched myself to the point of blood and liked it like an animal.. I’ve bitten my lips to the point of splitting them.
However when my husband came into existence, and Khala was around, she agreed to take over that piece, and keep it locked up for his and my safety. There have been times it begins to pry open, I’ve make him bruise or bleed; then it takes me a few moments to let Khala lock it back up, however last night was extremely close…

We sliced his back badly, then we broke his skin with our teeth… it was bad enough to where he had to grab our face, and watched us fight with it…. He was so worried it was so painful to look him in the eyes after.
He gave us time to compose ourselves, then we sat down and had a very, very long talk about it. He told us he understood, and he would make sure to be careful in the future. We are happy he isn’t afraid of us, or that scared the crap out of him…
It’s hard, all these pieces of myself that seem to have layers upon layers of locks… I wish I knew where they all were sometimes, because not knowing is stressful, and slightly intimidating.
He was okay with the fact Khala was out for a small amount of time to help push closed the door, because she gave me control right back. However we both had to sit down and talk after… the others were a bit freaked out, but Alice and Rina hugged Alex, comforting her… so it was okay.

We are glad we have our husband… and we are thankful for Merlin…

 

A New Year

It has been quite some time since writing, with the holidays and such, it was hard to really do much of anything.

Updating wise, my ADA complaint is still ongoing, I have given my investigator everything, now I just wait. My place of employment still is trying to make me give them information, which I don’t have to by law. I am hoping that on the end of all this, I end up bring awareness of some degree.
Khala decided to be a problem child again, causing great tension between my husband and I, however, thanks to his wonderful understanding and patience, we have worked out a non-verbal system that will hopefully keep Khala in check for the future.
We also discussed having my siblings out at home, sometimes they just want to be out, he agrees its completely fine. He said he might be cautious at first, but over time he will get use to it. Emily has already taken that as a green light and has gotten up a few different times during her sleepless nights, which my husband has responded great too.

Merlin and I have been doing well, he performs his jobs and tasks beautifully, and is still the highlight of the conversation every time where in public. My husband was explaining how in tuned he was with me to a few extremely close friends last Friday. He told the story of a time I was in the bedroom, having a mini-meltdown. My husband was completely unaware, but Merlin awoke from a dead sleep, stood up and went in and flopped right down on top of me. My husband got up to see what happened, and then was shocked to find me sobbing with Merlin just letting me hug him.
He said that he had no idea what was happening, but the dog did

I have reached a point to where I honestly am done trying to hide myself, done trying to hide my siblings, and done trying to pretend everything is ‘fine’.
Yes, I have mental illness. Yes, I need medications. Yes, I need a service animal. Yes, I have lost a number of people because of my alters. Yes, my alters can be extremely hard to interact with.
But am I sorry for this? No. I am well aware of these facts, but honestly I really don’t care what the ignorant people think anymore. I have friends I can count on one hand, and a husband who have not only dedicated time and energy to understanding, but are patient with me and my siblings. I have lost people I cared for because they can’t seem to understand its more then just ‘You’re a liar’ or ‘Get over it’…. We survived, we are survivors. If you can’t accept that, then good for you. Now go spread your ignorance elsewhere.
I am proud to say yes, I am a survivor, and I did a damn good job at it. This year I am striving to walk a path with my alters, not apart from them. Here’s to many more moments kiddies ^_^