Crumbling

Every time I walk into my place of employment, my stomach drops down to my feet. I sit in my chair, in my tiny space, trying to not eat my fingers and bash my head into the wall. This place is toxic…
It doesn’t help they won’t help let me have my service dog, but no matter how hard I work, it’s never enough. They always find something to yell at me about, to tell me I’m doing a horrible job, to criticize my every move. I’m at the point I really don’t know what to do, I still go every weekend, I force myself to smile and go about my work as if nothing is wrong.

During my days off I don’t want to do anything, I want to lay in bed and cry. I don’t want to shower, I don’t want to leave the house… I don’t want to draw or paint…. I just want to crawl deep into a very dark hole and hide for the rest of time.
My husband does what he can, but he sadly doesn’t know how to help and honestly I don’t know if he could. I have had a number of people tell me ‘Get over it’ or you’re on meds you will be fine’.
Yes, tell a depressed person to get over it… that TOTALLY helps.
Medication doesn’t work on my alters… so stop thinking medication is a one miracle fix for everything, and that it should just magically fix all my problems…. because it just doesn’t.
I have been thinking of going on short term disability, to try and regain some of my sanity, and to be with my service animal. I can’t keep forcing myself to come to a place that makes me feel so violated and destroyed….
The toxicity is slowly beginning to kill me…. I can’t eat, my stomach hurts, my body aches…. it’s slowly eating away at what little control I have.

My siblings are worried about me, last night Una had to drive home for me, today I almost couldn’t get out of bed, so Emily and Una both got me up, dressed and out the door. Una has been helping me off and on tonight… trying to get me through the night with as little damage as possible.
I’ve already split open 4 fingers and picked apart my right leg. My left is starting to get pretty bad… Alice has been bordering since I keep picking, Una tells me if I keep this up, Alice will push control since it’s her job to stop my self-harm before it gets too dangerous for me or anyone around me; since this place has deemed my picking is ‘dangerous’ to everyone around me.
I’m suffocating… I guess sometimes the darkness is kinder then the light… at least me and my siblings are safe and alone in the darkness, in the light everyone seems to just attack us for being ourselves, plus the light tends to burn after some time….

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