Cigna is sending the needed documentation to me and my place of employment, as of today I am on disability. Despite knowing this, I still feel like my body is heavy with stress. We see our psychologist today, she told Emily on Tuesday that it’s because we are in a time of ‘crisis’ that it will take some time to return to normal…
What exactly is normal for us anyways…?
To be honest, I use to think I would trade my soul to be social normal, now I really wouldn’t. If it wasn’t for my siblings, pretty sure everything would be much, much worse. Thanks to my siblings I have met a handful of wonderful people who really love and want to understand me… and I really feel like I am so lucky to have those people.
But there are those times where I feel like I am alone, no matter how many people really rally behind me, cheering me on. They are not like me.
They don’t have voices in there heads helping you cope with everything, they don’t have there personalities fragmented in a way that you can’t really put it back together, they don’t have siblings like I do… well my version of it.
I guess that makes me feel alone at times, despite being among all these people who love me, I guess its hard when I have no one around me who is like us. Don’t get me wrong, I social network with a few others like us, but I have yet to meet them; or anyone like us in person. I guess its a weird feeling to explain…
Merlin has gotten his rabies and parvo update, he also received his new vest, all I need to do is sew on his patches. Hopefully the new vest will work out better, he looks more comfortable in it at least. He’s been glued to me since Monday morning, it’s been hard leaving the house without him; he tries to force himself out. My husband has been doing everything he can, but I can tell that current events are taking it’s toll.
Sometimes I wonder if he regrets his choice to be my husband, we aren’t exactly a walk in the park to be with. Our random flares of memory flash backs, random switching, unable to really remember something that was asked of us even 5 minutes later… etc…
He use to get angry, now he just seems frustrated but says he understands…. I really wonder if he does, but then I remember if he really did not want to be here, he wouldn’t be. He made his choice 100%, and from what he has said to me on this subject, he wouldn’t want it any other way.
I guess the hope of morning is starting to fade within my mind, the darkness seems to just creep up, begging for me to just float within it for oblivion. However, I guess that small glimmer of hope I still desperately hold onto makes it worth fighting for, makes me worth it… I just can’t give up this fight yet.