Frustration

Cigna keeps asking for more things, and it’s starting to take its toll. Gail finally gave them my entire chart, hoping that would be enough to make them happy….
Why can’t people just understand I NEED my service animal for more then just psychiatric stuff? He is also a Medical Alert Dog… if they just let me have him I would be able to work with no issues and be amazing.
O well…

Recently someone decided to pick up my medication without letting me know, it was a medication I cannot just stop. So it was a race to find it, and after I did, I told everyone I wouldn’t be mad or anything, I just needed to know if they meant to do this to help, or to play a trick.
Khala told me she wanted to help, but got distracted when she got back home. So I told her in the future, maybe we can do it together. I am proud of her, as of late she has been doing some maturing. It’s making progression much easier.

Recently I have looked at my ‘life playlist’, a list of songs I match to events and alters, trying to piece which song matches to what event or alter. Surprisingly it’s a lot harder then I thought it would be. We all had to help each other, and piece together an almost 5 page word document. The next step? We plan to write descriptions. Gail thinks it would be a good start to have a project we all can collaborate on, and if it’s to hard for one of us to do the description, we move onto a easier song.
I am not entirely sure why this is helpful, but we all agreed to do it.
She also asked us to call hospitals outside of banner, and find out if a Service Dog would be allowed for employees and patients. She wants me to see if every MRI department would say no, or if Banner is being a jack ass.

I have a job interview this week, so I am just hopeful that I can just get out of banner, and continue my lawsuit, without them all hovering and making me feel like garbage for having something I had no choice in…
I will never forget that. They basically tell me to ‘control it’ or ‘get better already’… If you have never read any material on DID or done research, then you have NO ROOM to talk. We can’t control what triggers us, we can’t control who has to come out and when AND for how long… NO I CANNOT CONTROL THE ALTER WHOSE OUT…. askdljfhaserlkjfnasrelgn…..

Apologies… that’s that most frustrating thing I ALWAYS get asked… People with DID have no control over what there alters do when there active. I have always tried to make it a rule between all of us that it will be reported to the collective, regardless if it was good or bad. So that the core can deal with it if needed, or if someone else has too.
They all have been doing this more frequently, including me. We all seem to be functioning a bit better with the help we are getting from Gail, and of course the fact Merlin makes us feel safe 10000000000000000000000000000% of the time, it makes switches last not as long and he even provents 95% of the switches, just because it isn’t 100% Banner said no? Whatever. The fact he’s at 95% is better then I have EVER been…. seriously.

Sliver of Hope

Yesterday went well, the DID psychiatrist was interesting. She wants my previous blood work, and seems to want to do a psychiatric genetic test… I thought it was interesting.
However during the encounter, it was very… uncomfortable.

She kept asking about the abuse, the bullying. I was having a hard time keeping my anxiety levels down, Merlin kept alerting me, but I ignored him… until he decided to crawl into my lap. It was something he only does when I keep ignoring him to the point I am on a borderline of switching, he crawled into my lap to help interrupt it… it worked. The Psychiatrist seemed impressed by Merlin, she even told me it was impressive.

However after finding out I have 10 alters all together slightly erks me, though 3 are in lock up, I still am not entirely sure why I even have them. Vera has been coming around more, she explained its safer for me if they remain locked up, due to the damage they can cause not only to me, but to my life and loved ones. Vera told me there names finally, but I guess it doesn’t really matter much… they can’t really come out anyways.
Recently I have been dealing with people who seem to not understand the concept of ‘no drama’ or ‘non-judgement’.
They seem to keep picking fights and attacking others, and when I watch my friends defend them, they get attacked instead. Una is to the point now she is itching for a fight of wits… the others just are not exactly sure what to do.
Emily thinks we should track them down and ‘teach’ them the lesson… but we had to explain how not only is that a bad idea, but it would screw us all.

I finally made a list of things I need to do around my home, Gail suggested I don’t need to do it all, just one at a time. She said when I do laundry or dishes that doing one load or even just the forks of the silverware is okay, and I should be proud I got one thing done. My husband even said something similar, so I am going to try and take it one task at a time instead of burning myself out…. My biggest goal is to be able to walk Merlin at least twice a day, I am so inconsistent with it, it really harms my ability to handle him. I managed to walk him this morning, so I am just hoping to do it this evening.
We really wish to get everything straightened so we can start planning things out for the layout, such as painting, expansion, etc.
My depression is getting a bit better with all the support, and with my mother person being as helpful as she is with my taxes and bills, it’s starting to lift a giant black cloud from my brain.

Into The Great Unknown

Today is slightly nerve racking. We go and see a psychiatrist who specializes in DID, hopefully she will work out better then our current one… telling us to ‘get over it’ isn’t exactly something a doctor should say.
Over the weekend my depression got a tad better, Saturday night I had a weird fainting episode. Merlin ran and got my husband before laying next to me, licking my face. My husband took my temperature, checked my body for hydration, he even took my heart rate. Everything was normal but heart rate, it was rather high for me (I run extremely low… Emily on the other hand normally runs high) so he knew I didn’t switch.
Though he wanted too, I refused to go to the ER. I drank some more water, and said I should just rest, it was probably just a short circuit within my brain.
Next morning I was a bit weak, but was fine after I woke up. He then tested me for stroke symptoms which made us all giggle. But we understand… it was rather scary.

Our mother person seems to be more understanding and supportive as of late, we believe she has been reading our book. Not having a job, and fighting with Cigna and Banner has been extremely hard on me… especially with no Short Term Disability Pay. She said she will help me pay my bills, and get my aunt who is an accountant to help do my taxes for me.
We have never had her do anything this kind for us before without some sort of passive aggressive response, so we have hope she is changing…

Sorry for the shortness, been having issues writing as of late.

Merry Go Round

The last few days have been hard. My session with Gail on Tuesday was interesting to say the least, apparently I have 4 others I didn’t know about, only one seems to move about freely.
Her name I guess is Vera, she called ‘the doctor’ by everyone. She mostly just stays in the background, but I guess she is the one who makes sure our mental and physical health is within acceptable limits to keep functioning. Gail met her on Tuesday because I refused to wake up…
I am starting to get overwhelmed with everything. Cigna still will not give me my Short Term Disability pay, causing my debit card to be overdrawn, and my mortgage is now so behind I am being threatened with foreclosure. I don’t want to be awake anymore, its like a living nightmare I can’t escape unless I sleep.
Everyone has been worried about me, I guess that’s why Vera got involved. She told Gail that I have 3 alters in lock up. All 3 are to much for me to control, so they are to remain there until I can, or will indefinitely. I knew about the lock up ones, but I didn’t realize Vera was still around.

I have an appointment with a Psychologist next week who specializes with DID, so I am hoping my medications will work out a bit better. Zoloft doesn’t seem to be doing a whole lot…. but I could be wrong.

I’m sorry this is short, I have some personal events going on.

Memories

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This is the first drawing in many for my Mental Health Art Challenge for myself. This one is centered around my Gatekeeper Alice, she is 1 of 6 alters, and is the only alter that determines who has access to what memories, and if the feeling and emotion behind those memories go with them. She can also revoke memories if she deems them ‘unsafe’ for me or anyone else.

Buried Alive

Its been some time again since I was able to write. After getting my blood work back, my manager called me and said that the hospital was threatening my job… I called Cigna who just about had a meltdown.
They worked it out thankfully, however it seems there itching to find something to fire me over. I have began the wonderful, and terrible task of finding a job…. We’re not exactly thrilled. Cigna keeps smashing heads with Banner, they keep needing more and more information to prove I can be on Short Term Disability…. its starting to become a game of tag.

We have been trying to focus more on boundaries and our rather ridged ones. Its been hard, I’ve had 2 friends (online friends) who were not who they pretended to be, then I had another one who, despite all the praise she gave me and support, turned around and said we were not worth saving, and should just kill ourselves.
If we died now, none of the pain and suffering we went through would mean anything… and quite honestly, I really don’t need to be in the darkness right now.
My SD Merlin and I have been sticking together like glue, he sense my battle with staying away from the rather morbid thoughts… Xero even went so far as to be around to help me manage it. Una helped me with the Taxes and sadly they don’t look amazing, thanks to a friend I may be able to get it out of the red… I guess I will find out later this week.

We went and got our back x-rayed since the pain is worsening, the bones look normal, but my Neurologist thinks it might be the nerves, and if that’s the case, there’s not a whole lot they can do about it.
We all have been restless lately, we haven’t really been able to pinpoint it yet. I guess tomorrow when we see Gail (psychologist) we will try and see if we can with her help. My husband has been hovering the last week, he seems to be worried, he keeps asking me whats wrong, but honestly if I could explain it I would… it’s just not exactly easy to explain.

I’ve had to let the others take over from time to time as I retreated inwards for some alone time. For some reason I feel suffocated. Like I can’t seem to get out of this hole I’m being buried alive in. The others are trying to help, but I just…. I can’t seem to crawl out. We started our Mental Health Art Challenge thing… seeing if that helps not only me but all of us. I will have to share it with you all, after all it’s part of my journey.