Buried Alive

Its been some time again since I was able to write. After getting my blood work back, my manager called me and said that the hospital was threatening my job… I called Cigna who just about had a meltdown.
They worked it out thankfully, however it seems there itching to find something to fire me over. I have began the wonderful, and terrible task of finding a job…. We’re not exactly thrilled. Cigna keeps smashing heads with Banner, they keep needing more and more information to prove I can be on Short Term Disability…. its starting to become a game of tag.

We have been trying to focus more on boundaries and our rather ridged ones. Its been hard, I’ve had 2 friends (online friends) who were not who they pretended to be, then I had another one who, despite all the praise she gave me and support, turned around and said we were not worth saving, and should just kill ourselves.
If we died now, none of the pain and suffering we went through would mean anything… and quite honestly, I really don’t need to be in the darkness right now.
My SD Merlin and I have been sticking together like glue, he sense my battle with staying away from the rather morbid thoughts… Xero even went so far as to be around to help me manage it. Una helped me with the Taxes and sadly they don’t look amazing, thanks to a friend I may be able to get it out of the red… I guess I will find out later this week.

We went and got our back x-rayed since the pain is worsening, the bones look normal, but my Neurologist thinks it might be the nerves, and if that’s the case, there’s not a whole lot they can do about it.
We all have been restless lately, we haven’t really been able to pinpoint it yet. I guess tomorrow when we see Gail (psychologist) we will try and see if we can with her help. My husband has been hovering the last week, he seems to be worried, he keeps asking me whats wrong, but honestly if I could explain it I would… it’s just not exactly easy to explain.

I’ve had to let the others take over from time to time as I retreated inwards for some alone time. For some reason I feel suffocated. Like I can’t seem to get out of this hole I’m being buried alive in. The others are trying to help, but I just…. I can’t seem to crawl out. We started our Mental Health Art Challenge thing… seeing if that helps not only me but all of us. I will have to share it with you all, after all it’s part of my journey.

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