Sliver of Hope

Yesterday went well, the DID psychiatrist was interesting. She wants my previous blood work, and seems to want to do a psychiatric genetic test… I thought it was interesting.
However during the encounter, it was very… uncomfortable.

She kept asking about the abuse, the bullying. I was having a hard time keeping my anxiety levels down, Merlin kept alerting me, but I ignored him… until he decided to crawl into my lap. It was something he only does when I keep ignoring him to the point I am on a borderline of switching, he crawled into my lap to help interrupt it… it worked. The Psychiatrist seemed impressed by Merlin, she even told me it was impressive.

However after finding out I have 10 alters all together slightly erks me, though 3 are in lock up, I still am not entirely sure why I even have them. Vera has been coming around more, she explained its safer for me if they remain locked up, due to the damage they can cause not only to me, but to my life and loved ones. Vera told me there names finally, but I guess it doesn’t really matter much… they can’t really come out anyways.
Recently I have been dealing with people who seem to not understand the concept of ‘no drama’ or ‘non-judgement’.
They seem to keep picking fights and attacking others, and when I watch my friends defend them, they get attacked instead. Una is to the point now she is itching for a fight of wits… the others just are not exactly sure what to do.
Emily thinks we should track them down and ‘teach’ them the lesson… but we had to explain how not only is that a bad idea, but it would screw us all.

I finally made a list of things I need to do around my home, Gail suggested I don’t need to do it all, just one at a time. She said when I do laundry or dishes that doing one load or even just the forks of the silverware is okay, and I should be proud I got one thing done. My husband even said something similar, so I am going to try and take it one task at a time instead of burning myself out…. My biggest goal is to be able to walk Merlin at least twice a day, I am so inconsistent with it, it really harms my ability to handle him. I managed to walk him this morning, so I am just hoping to do it this evening.
We really wish to get everything straightened so we can start planning things out for the layout, such as painting, expansion, etc.
My depression is getting a bit better with all the support, and with my mother person being as helpful as she is with my taxes and bills, it’s starting to lift a giant black cloud from my brain.

2 thoughts on “Sliver of Hope

  1. I relate to you deeply and I cannot express the empathy I feel for you through my keyboard. I was bullied, sexually assaulted and sexually harassed at my old school so frequently that I had to find a new school, but the people that abused me are still successfully finding me and they’re trying to take over my life again. Thank you for giving me a sliver of hope in the form of somebody who relates to me. Hang in there xx

  2. I am glad I am able to at least help someone through my journey. Its not the easiest, but in our own rights we are warriors, and we will continue to fight and survive like we always have. You hang in there as well my dear ^_^

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