Whatever It Takes

Lately my need to draw and create art has been extremely high, I think mostly because it’s a great stress relief. However as of late I have been thinking more in depth about our life and where to go from here.
School is a pain, mostly due to the fact of no money and the US is a pain in the ass when it comes to financial aid. Starting a family isn’t going to work due to the fact I can’t be off my medications long enough to be pregnant without bad side effects. Traveling or anything requiring money is a no no, well… mostly due to the fact I can’t work and be society’s version of normal to even hold a job…

So we all sat down today, and we talked about it. Mostly because I myself was having issues with it, and due to the fact I can’t really contact my psychologist unless it’s a crisis, it was something I thought maybe my system could help with. Now let me explain something, we talk every day about random things. It’s not like I don’t like talking to them, however we all have differences in what ‘living life’ is.
Surprisingly my alters where rather helpful about this subject. Though I can’t do the things I originally dreamed of, I can create new dreams and achieve them in time.

Vera and Una both where extremely helpful, they said if one door is closed, it doesn’t mean I can’t find an open one. If I can’t be pregnant, then I could adopt someday. If I can’t be in school now, then maybe I try and aim for one online class a semester until I can afford more, if I can’t have a job now I will probably be able too in the future and so on.
It was extremely reliving. Feeling like I was dead to society because I can’t follow there version of normal was idiotic on my part, however understandable. We all want to be normal… from the depressed to the psychotic.
Honestly I couldn’t tell you what I would of been willing to give to be normal… however now, it seems with the help of my alters, we have a plan on how to be our own version of normal.
It may not be perfect, we may have set backs, but it makes me hopeful.

Emily and Z both encouraged me to keep making art, Vera also said she loves to see what I create. It felt kind of nice that they like my artwork… I tend to think it’s not good enough. I’ve tried Deviant Art and such, however I never get anyone to tell me my art is good, only that it tends to suck.
It’s stupid to seek validation, but I guess I’m only human right?

Thorns

Today we went and saw our mother person, it wasn’t as terrible as we originally thought it would be. She treated us to breakfast, and we got to discuss things.
Apparently after the Attorney General closed my case, a few things happened at Banner Health that made me feel a little bit more like I did do some damage.

The idiot from HR got fired, the same man who kept asking personal information, and claimed I could be a danger to the work environment…. then I guess my mother’s boss got chewed out as well by corporate for trying to get around there choice for me to have my service animal. She lied to me in the phone conversation, she never once went to infection control, so it explains why they couldn’t give me a real reason as to why I couldn’t bring my service animal.
My mother also said there was people from corporate within there department just casually asking questions. She said that a few transporters told them that they see the therapy dogs up in ICU all the time, same with the K9 unit. She also stated that there is a mandatory, yearly training for managers on ADA laws and Service Dog laws now…

Needless to say, I feel I really did do some kind of damage. It makes me feel a little bit more satisfied with the outcome of this whole ordeal. Finical compensation would of been nice, but I got what I primarily wanted… justice. I wanted that HR guy fired, I wish they fired my boss and his boss…. but I guess I’ll settle for the chew out.
It makes me realize corporate wasn’t to blame, which made me feel better as well. It was the actions of 3 corrupted people, not the people who my mother spoke so highly of. I don’t really need to tell you how happy Una was, Emily said it was about time hah.

I’m now waiting for the insurance company to send me my cards, then I can finally go back to my doctors. I’m close to just calling and getting the info they need, I haven’t seen my Neurologist in 3 months, or my Psychologist…. it’s sadly starting to take it’s toll on me. Also would be nice to have all that information for when I see my Psychiatrist the second week of November…
I also need to go speak with my PCP, though she said I should no longer be having a menstrual cycle, I still spot. She first thought it was me missing the medications, but now she’s concerned I just have an extremely thick uteran wall, which can be a good or bad thing depending on what she can find… but I can’t see her due to no insurance. I feel like we pay more for health insurance in the US then anything else… and due to the costs, people wait until there basically dying to see someone. Luckily I have decent insurance coming my way, but I can tell you for a fact, the basic health insurance they offer is 300$… and it doesn’t even cover MOST of my medications… let alone ANY kind of visits except my annuals.
Needless to say… I’m really excited to have health insurance again.

Bye Bye Beautiful

Last night We slept like shit… Night terrors and insomnia where are bane. Emily got up multiple times, she was hungry for half of them. I swear she never gets full, it’s super odd.
Despite having a bad sleep night, we still manged to get up out of bed. I started up some drawing studies of different animal skulls, I figured it might be something fun to learn since Halloween is around the corner. So far it’s been interesting, all the big cats have different skulls, same with different kinds of K9’s. I enjoy it quite a bit.
Merlin and I went out for a bit, we got caffine to help us stay awake. However after we drove for a bit, when it’s 10AM on a week day it seems no one really is around, so it was nice. I think Merlin enjoyed it too, I needed some fresh air and it was pretty nice out, so we rolled the windows down and enjoyed it.

When we got home he remained by me, he alerted to my spasms, so I had to stop doing laundry for a bit while I waited for it to stop. He’s my amazing service animal… and honestly my best friend. He woke me up multiple times last night, then this morning my husband said he was sorry for the way he’s been acting lately, and said he wanted to go to therapy with me once the insurance goes through… I guess it’s a start, we’ll have to see how it plays out.
I’ve been struggling not having Gail… calling her when in crisis is one thing, but seeing her every week is entirely different. I’m itching to go back… so are my alters, sadly we’ve regressed slightly, but not enough that my group therapies are concerned. They don’t seem to understand I pick subconsciously, so when it happens they don’t say anything to me, which isn’t good.
I’ve broken the skin in 9 different spots, then finally my group leader pulled me aside and said something… though she was convinced I was on drugs. I don’t do drugs… never have. I offered to do a drug test for them, honestly the picking is a residual affect from the cutting. However when my stress levels are high or my anxiety is spiking I do it without even realizing it.

I spoke to Gail today, it was really nice. She’s going to call and have a word with the group leader, she thinks she needs to understand a little more about me, especially since this group is suppose to be for dissociation and suicide prevention.
We also talked about my current state of mind, she said as soon as I send in the documents they want, I’m suppose to call and make an appointment with her. She said she can back date or forward date however the insurance wants, but she says I need her… and I couldn’t agree more. I can’t see any of my doctors… I can’t even see my neurologist to get my EMG done… so it’s extremely hard. I guess all I can really do is take it one day at a time.

I don’t have any Halloween plans, I think I’m just going to be home working on my drawing studies, and eating the candy I buy. We don’t have very many kids here, so I normally pig out…. it’s about the only time a year we even do. Thanksgiving and Christmas are holidays my mother person likes to do… however we never really stay for long, due to her dog being anti dog, I can’t bring Merlin, so being around my mother is hard.
I only last about an hour, 2 hours if it’s a good day… same with my father. I guess because of what they have done and the way they have acted has left permanent scaring. However we still try and interact with them, I mean hell, we manage to sometimes spend a few hours with my father or mother… but it depends on what’s brought up and said I guess.

 

One By One

We managed to do some house work finally, it’s been really hard to do much of anything due to the depression. Xero helped me do dishes and laundry, but that’s about all my body could deal with sadly…
He wants to clean the entire kitchen, but I don’t have the strength nor the interest sadly. Depression is one of those weird things that people think is just ‘being sad’.
For me it feels like I have a tree across my chest, something so heavy and crushing it’s debilitating. Then when I try and move, I feel as if something is pulling back on me, almost like I have nasty little negative baddies slowly piling on top of me until I can’t move anymore.
For me, depression has always been extremely debilitating… it’s not just crying and feeling lost, I feel like the entire world is on me and I can’t really escape that. My mother and brother always say ‘it’s okay’ and ‘don’t be sad’. I honestly wish my family could understand exactly how hard all of this is… but sadly with mental health its one of those ‘you have to have it to understand’…

it’s hard to really deal with it, my CPTSD and DID are the same way… Night terrors, physical memories, flashbacks in public… switching, memory issues, migraines… and that’s only some. Explaining all of that is so difficult, my mother’s response was ‘I get depressed too’ some time a few weeks ago, it caused me to completely meltdown. She apologized though, and explained she didn’t word it correctly, but still.
I wish I could literally give people my mental illnesses for 1 week… so they can see exactly what I go through. The fear, the lack of sleep, the depression… the suicidal feelings (however you don’t want to act on them), etc.
I think it would also help law makers if that was possible… but sadly it’s not something you can do. Especially things that have altered your brain chemistry or physically. DID physically rewires your nervous system, and blocks certain pieces of your brain unless you are that alter. CPTSD is similar… you’re unable to have a dam to you’re subconscious in a sense… and all those trauma’s you faced flood out, causing it to affect your senses. Depression is chemical I guess… or so says my psychiatrist. Honestly all my illnesses are just hard at times.

One thing I will admit though, I have never been completely alone. I’ve always had my alters, being physically alone is still extremely hard for me, but my alters keep me sane. They’re the ones who talked me through everything, and kept me alive in times I should of died. I guess that’s what there suppose to do, but I’m glad I have them. My family doesn’t understand this, and tell me I have to re-merge all my parts, or to ‘get over it’. It’s upsetting, and extremely hard. However I keep going despite all the negativity.
Una and Vera seem extremely proud of me because of that choice, I feel like I became public enemy number 1 in my family haha.
Z and Rin are keeping Alice and Rina amused, even Lucy came out and socialized surprisingly. However after 10 minutes she couldn’t help but fall asleep mid sentence, I’m just happy she came out instead of sleeping.
She seemed to wake up every now and then, but it was nice having her with the others. We haven’t seen Mimi since the other day, we’re pretty sure she’s back to hiding. Honestly if I have a little more strength, I would be able to keep her out, and she wouldn’t have to hide all the time… but sadly, I don’t have that extra strength.
Seems I went off on a tangent hah

Sacrament of the Wilderness

Last night was the first full night of sleep I’ve had in about a week and a half. Seems just knowing I’ll have insurance soon, and having my mortgage up to day is enough stress off myself that my brain finally chilled out. Everyone was happy, especially Xero, he’s been up with me every night trying to keep me company… poor guy, he was exhausted.
My depression is starting to come out of it’s stupidly long spike, my psychologist keeping contact with me was extremely helpful.
I decided to take a break from social media and just keep this going for a bit. I’m tried of reading about how Trump is this or that or doing whatever…. I’m also just tired of drama. I’m still waiting for my soul sister to tell me she’s okay with speaking to me again. It’s been hard without her.
I messaged her last night, but she hasn’t responded…. the last time I did was back in the second week of September. It’s hard not to just message her 24/7 like I use too. However I respect her wishes for space, I just gotta keep it up.

I ended up pulling something in my lower back, I’m not exactly sure how I did it… but it’s severally limited my ability to bend and turn certain ways. It’s also hard to find a good spot so I can fall asleep at night too, because the side I favor makes it hurt worse. So I’ve been trying to just start on my back, not only is it not painful, but it’s better for my spine. I finally finished all of the disability paperwork, I don’t think I’ve ever filled out so much paperwork in my life… but at least it’s done. My doctors are still filling it out, so hopefully once everything is in, I’ll find out rather quickly.
I’ve been practicing drawing people again, I am seriously out of practice… but it’s something I figure I would try again. I’ve been sewing again too, so I’m happy my hobbies are slowly starting to come back to a new time high. Everything within the last few months have been anything but pleasant, but I’m relieved everything is starting to workout.

Thankfully my psychologist has made special arrangements for me to keep doing my outpatient therapies as well, so it’s been extremely helpful since I haven’t been able to see her. Also Vera doing extensive research into cheaper medications while we had no insurance was a life saver, I honestly don’t know what I would of done without her stupid amount of research into it.
Today is not to bad so far, mostly I’m just trying not to make my back worse, and get over being sick… hurray for being prone to Staph Infections!
Not really… but you all get my point >.>

Overdose

Today was kind of terrible, Vera had to force me out of bed and into the shower. I guess I’m suffering a pretty nasty depression spike. She couldn’t get me up until 3PM, so she’s been pretty miffed at me.
Things are still… volatile, but it’s whatever. Emily just about tore my Husband a new one yesterday, so he’s been staying away until he thinks things calm down. Merlin has been working overtime, and I, like the idiot I am, thought it was a great idea to pull something in my lower back….

I’ve been trying really hard to find a job while my disability is still under determination, but it’s to no avail. They seem to not like the fact I have a service dog, so I’m turned down all the time. They always have there legal excuses… so it’s not like I can really call discrimination… but really? Allergies don’t count you morons!
I’m just getting tired of people who are not educated about service dogs and such… but I guess it’s a factor of life.
I’m still trying not to be upset about my Husband being mad for my alters being out. I’ve discussed it with him hundreds of times that they deserve there time out, they ask to come out, and they are pretty civil with him. So I can’t understand it… Emily just wants to kick his ass, which would amount to nothing. Alice is just trying to help me cope with it.
My psychologist tells me it’s sadly extremely common to have people not understand why they want to be out, and why it’s good I have a system that asks…. it could be one big free for all and I could be someone else every few seconds… but I rather not do that.
Hex has been trying to make me go out and socialize more, which I’m not comfortable with, it took having 2 breakdowns before he finally understood I just… I just really can’t be in giant groups of people.
Z has been hanging out with Xero mostly, they both have been helping me with Alice and Rina lately. Rin has been… annoying, but Una is staying on top of her to make sure she doesn’t try anything again. Lucy is just Lucy… she wanted to sleep all day today, but Vera stepped in pretty fast after that.
We had a rare sighting of Mimi today… she seems to be pretty good at dodging us. She seems more interested in seeing if we’re all okay then anything, but she’s still dangerous. She only surfaced for 10 seconds, but it wasn’t enough time for anyone else to snag her. I guess all she did was dig around in the dirty clothes…. better then her eating out of the trash again….

Don’t Tell Me To Calm Down

It’s been a while…

Recently I had a pretty bad blow out with my husband, he doesn’t like my alters when there out and keeps calling them by my name, which makes them angry…. we’ve tried so many time to explain it to him, to try and educate, so has my psychologist……. however it seems he can’t get it through his think skull.
I keep being told to calm down, to breathe, to not get so worked up over something so small

Small? It’s hard enough having alters, but you want me to just roll over and accept that people arn’t willing to at least try and understand? Screw that.
It’s not hard to look something up, Google is God for people, however all I really ever wanted is someone to just take that time… do that research, read that book I gave them, etc.
However the track record shows it will be a pretty grim outcome. My service animal Merlin worked his fuzzy butt off today, I feel kind of bad about it. We had to play family with dad today, and he brought up the past.
I told him 5 different times nicely, I really didn’t want to talk about it, however when he pushed the issue, I ended up triggering. Vera ripped him a new one before she drove home.

I broke down to someone very dear to me… I felt kind of terrible because I exposed a secret to him that I never meant too. Vera ended up taking control again…. I guess they spoke to each other for a while. Vera told me that he wasn’t angry with me, and understood what happened, it was kind of a breath of fresh air.
I spoke to him after too, he told me to not beat myself up over it, and it wasn’t my fault. It’s extremely hard for me to admit that, especially when you’re told you’re entire life you’re at fault for everything. I have maybe 3 people who I trust completely at all, the rest of the world can stay outside my maze, it’s safer that way.

I may finally have insurance… though it wont matter now, it’s almost November…. my psychologist and I are still talking via phone, so at least I still have that support. The medication prices are what are killing me. You look online, use GoodRX, etc… and some of them are just stupid expensive. I really REALLY hate medication, but I need it. I need it for the night terrors, I need it for the depression, I need it for the anxiety, I need it for my sciatica, I just…. I sadly need my medications. I’ve had everyone keep pushing me to try medical marijuana, however I know the moment I lose that control in my mind, all hell with break lose; I mean it messes with you’re brain… can you imagine if Emily ended up being triggered? It’d be a freaking nightmare…

Anywho… yeah.