Don’t Tell Me To Calm Down

It’s been a while…

Recently I had a pretty bad blow out with my husband, he doesn’t like my alters when there out and keeps calling them by my name, which makes them angry…. we’ve tried so many time to explain it to him, to try and educate, so has my psychologist……. however it seems he can’t get it through his think skull.
I keep being told to calm down, to breathe, to not get so worked up over something so small

Small? It’s hard enough having alters, but you want me to just roll over and accept that people arn’t willing to at least try and understand? Screw that.
It’s not hard to look something up, Google is God for people, however all I really ever wanted is someone to just take that time… do that research, read that book I gave them, etc.
However the track record shows it will be a pretty grim outcome. My service animal Merlin worked his fuzzy butt off today, I feel kind of bad about it. We had to play family with dad today, and he brought up the past.
I told him 5 different times nicely, I really didn’t want to talk about it, however when he pushed the issue, I ended up triggering. Vera ripped him a new one before she drove home.

I broke down to someone very dear to me… I felt kind of terrible because I exposed a secret to him that I never meant too. Vera ended up taking control again…. I guess they spoke to each other for a while. Vera told me that he wasn’t angry with me, and understood what happened, it was kind of a breath of fresh air.
I spoke to him after too, he told me to not beat myself up over it, and it wasn’t my fault. It’s extremely hard for me to admit that, especially when you’re told you’re entire life you’re at fault for everything. I have maybe 3 people who I trust completely at all, the rest of the world can stay outside my maze, it’s safer that way.

I may finally have insurance… though it wont matter now, it’s almost November…. my psychologist and I are still talking via phone, so at least I still have that support. The medication prices are what are killing me. You look online, use GoodRX, etc… and some of them are just stupid expensive. I really REALLY hate medication, but I need it. I need it for the night terrors, I need it for the depression, I need it for the anxiety, I need it for my sciatica, I just…. I sadly need my medications. I’ve had everyone keep pushing me to try medical marijuana, however I know the moment I lose that control in my mind, all hell with break lose; I mean it messes with you’re brain… can you imagine if Emily ended up being triggered? It’d be a freaking nightmare…

Anywho… yeah.

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