One By One

We managed to do some house work finally, it’s been really hard to do much of anything due to the depression. Xero helped me do dishes and laundry, but that’s about all my body could deal with sadly…
He wants to clean the entire kitchen, but I don’t have the strength nor the interest sadly. Depression is one of those weird things that people think is just ‘being sad’.
For me it feels like I have a tree across my chest, something so heavy and crushing it’s debilitating. Then when I try and move, I feel as if something is pulling back on me, almost like I have nasty little negative baddies slowly piling on top of me until I can’t move anymore.
For me, depression has always been extremely debilitating… it’s not just crying and feeling lost, I feel like the entire world is on me and I can’t really escape that. My mother and brother always say ‘it’s okay’ and ‘don’t be sad’. I honestly wish my family could understand exactly how hard all of this is… but sadly with mental health its one of those ‘you have to have it to understand’…

it’s hard to really deal with it, my CPTSD and DID are the same way… Night terrors, physical memories, flashbacks in public… switching, memory issues, migraines… and that’s only some. Explaining all of that is so difficult, my mother’s response was ‘I get depressed too’ some time a few weeks ago, it caused me to completely meltdown. She apologized though, and explained she didn’t word it correctly, but still.
I wish I could literally give people my mental illnesses for 1 week… so they can see exactly what I go through. The fear, the lack of sleep, the depression… the suicidal feelings (however you don’t want to act on them), etc.
I think it would also help law makers if that was possible… but sadly it’s not something you can do. Especially things that have altered your brain chemistry or physically. DID physically rewires your nervous system, and blocks certain pieces of your brain unless you are that alter. CPTSD is similar… you’re unable to have a dam to you’re subconscious in a sense… and all those trauma’s you faced flood out, causing it to affect your senses. Depression is chemical I guess… or so says my psychiatrist. Honestly all my illnesses are just hard at times.

One thing I will admit though, I have never been completely alone. I’ve always had my alters, being physically alone is still extremely hard for me, but my alters keep me sane. They’re the ones who talked me through everything, and kept me alive in times I should of died. I guess that’s what there suppose to do, but I’m glad I have them. My family doesn’t understand this, and tell me I have to re-merge all my parts, or to ‘get over it’. It’s upsetting, and extremely hard. However I keep going despite all the negativity.
Una and Vera seem extremely proud of me because of that choice, I feel like I became public enemy number 1 in my family haha.
Z and Rin are keeping Alice and Rina amused, even Lucy came out and socialized surprisingly. However after 10 minutes she couldn’t help but fall asleep mid sentence, I’m just happy she came out instead of sleeping.
She seemed to wake up every now and then, but it was nice having her with the others. We haven’t seen Mimi since the other day, we’re pretty sure she’s back to hiding. Honestly if I have a little more strength, I would be able to keep her out, and she wouldn’t have to hide all the time… but sadly, I don’t have that extra strength.
Seems I went off on a tangent hah

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