Bye Bye Beautiful

Last night We slept like shit… Night terrors and insomnia where are bane. Emily got up multiple times, she was hungry for half of them. I swear she never gets full, it’s super odd.
Despite having a bad sleep night, we still manged to get up out of bed. I started up some drawing studies of different animal skulls, I figured it might be something fun to learn since Halloween is around the corner. So far it’s been interesting, all the big cats have different skulls, same with different kinds of K9’s. I enjoy it quite a bit.
Merlin and I went out for a bit, we got caffine to help us stay awake. However after we drove for a bit, when it’s 10AM on a week day it seems no one really is around, so it was nice. I think Merlin enjoyed it too, I needed some fresh air and it was pretty nice out, so we rolled the windows down and enjoyed it.

When we got home he remained by me, he alerted to my spasms, so I had to stop doing laundry for a bit while I waited for it to stop. He’s my amazing service animal… and honestly my best friend. He woke me up multiple times last night, then this morning my husband said he was sorry for the way he’s been acting lately, and said he wanted to go to therapy with me once the insurance goes through… I guess it’s a start, we’ll have to see how it plays out.
I’ve been struggling not having Gail… calling her when in crisis is one thing, but seeing her every week is entirely different. I’m itching to go back… so are my alters, sadly we’ve regressed slightly, but not enough that my group therapies are concerned. They don’t seem to understand I pick subconsciously, so when it happens they don’t say anything to me, which isn’t good.
I’ve broken the skin in 9 different spots, then finally my group leader pulled me aside and said something… though she was convinced I was on drugs. I don’t do drugs… never have. I offered to do a drug test for them, honestly the picking is a residual affect from the cutting. However when my stress levels are high or my anxiety is spiking I do it without even realizing it.

I spoke to Gail today, it was really nice. She’s going to call and have a word with the group leader, she thinks she needs to understand a little more about me, especially since this group is suppose to be for dissociation and suicide prevention.
We also talked about my current state of mind, she said as soon as I send in the documents they want, I’m suppose to call and make an appointment with her. She said she can back date or forward date however the insurance wants, but she says I need her… and I couldn’t agree more. I can’t see any of my doctors… I can’t even see my neurologist to get my EMG done… so it’s extremely hard. I guess all I can really do is take it one day at a time.

I don’t have any Halloween plans, I think I’m just going to be home working on my drawing studies, and eating the candy I buy. We don’t have very many kids here, so I normally pig out…. it’s about the only time a year we even do. Thanksgiving and Christmas are holidays my mother person likes to do… however we never really stay for long, due to her dog being anti dog, I can’t bring Merlin, so being around my mother is hard.
I only last about an hour, 2 hours if it’s a good day… same with my father. I guess because of what they have done and the way they have acted has left permanent scaring. However we still try and interact with them, I mean hell, we manage to sometimes spend a few hours with my father or mother… but it depends on what’s brought up and said I guess.


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