The Wolf And The Hunter

It’s been a while, sorry about that.
I finally was able to go and do my appointments for Social Security, now I get to play the waiting game.I also got to find out that insurances don’t start until the next year… so I’m screwed until January.
It’s only a month, but it’s still frustrating. Expensive medications, no doctors or psychologist visits…. it’s becoming extremely hard to function. I had to call Gail crying today, explaining how I apparently didn’t have the insurance I thought I had… she helped me calm down, she said the new presidency changed a bit… and this was probably one of them.
I’m at an impasse at this point, my husband was even on edge, we got into a fight over money, then Emily was out. I’m starting to lose some control again, alters are slipping out of the cracks because I can’t even control my own feelings. I feel as if I’m regressing.

I went to see my grandparents grave. I stood there talking like an idiot for over an hour… my husband says when we die we die. I like to think that maybe they can hear me, maybe. I still get the ghost feelings, where I see them turn a corner or hear there voices. Those feelings are what’s helping me… that and my husband keeping me sane.
Though we fought, we made up pretty quickly. He understands my frustration… he has it as well. This whole situation has been nothing but painful from the start….
I hate how my country does insurance.

I talked with someone with DID in a group I’m in… he apparently thinks because my symptoms are not ‘exactly’ like his, I can’t have DID. I was able to work with my alters, I never was scared of them. He on the other hand fears them, and tries to keep them all locked away.
You can’t really do that… it’s not exactly healthy either. It was hard, and took so much work for me to do, but I found common ground and I found we all want the same thing… to survive.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a wolf within a world of hunters… you have to basically hide in the shadows and hope no one hears you or knows your there. I try to connect with others with DID… but I think because of my trust issues, it’s hard for me to really connect with anyone. My husband took a sludge hammer and broke his way in, and my grandparents where more parents to me then my own… plus I seemed to get along better with my grandparent’s family then my own, I even feel more comfortable with my husband’s family then my own… which honestly scares me.
My mother had gotten to my brother, he’s no longer sure what I have, all he says it I have something wrong with me. My dad can’t even remember half the time now… I just have those moments where I feel completely alone. My husband got along with his family except for 1 brother…. but his family never raised a hand to him, or verbally attacked him… or even emotionally scarred him. But he is all I have at times… other times I’m blessed to have at least 2 other people, my best friend is my third. Sometimes I worry if only having 4 support beams is really enough, other times I think it’s plenty.

I recently have stopped caring about the people who lie to me, use me, can’t seem to want to support me in my darkest hours… who refuse to understand. It’s extremely light, and bright now… it’s almost blissful.

Anyways… I think I’m done with my weird nonsense.


Rx: Medicate

Recently I got into a fight with some internet idiots… they tried to say I needed to medicate better, then maybe I wouldn’t be struggling with my DID as much as I am.
Do you understand the depth of that statement? sigh… another rant incoming…

Dissociative Identity Disorder is a mental illness that has physically changed the way your neurons and other parts of your brain work, to the point of effecting the chemical input and outputs like most other mental illnesses… however, there compartmentalized, so what works for you may not work for an alter BECAUSE that persona is literally cut off from your side of the brain.
So basically it’s like an irrigation system, there are walls that block the incoming streams from going to certain areas and others that help guide it, etc.
When you flood your brain with anti depressants, it only will work for the parts of the brain that ALLOW it. For example, I am the only one who is effected by my anti-depressant; where as Xero is unaffected no matter how much you pump into me.
We had a similar issue when we were mistaken for having bi-polar and schizophrenia, the anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers where not only making me robotic, but it was agitating my alters to the point they and I where having control issues. I was switching so often and so much within a day that I can’t even remember 8 years…. 8 years of my life.
Emily tried to kill my husband on 5 separate occasions thinking he was one of our abusers. It was a giant mess of chaos and mayhem that honestly I have to listen to people tell me what happened and just agree because it wouldn’t be so far fetched.

I lost family, I lost my friends… I lost relationships I can never get back or apologize too. My life was destroyed until I turned 18, then I unmediated myself, and got on medications that didn’t cause loss of control, and only helped me. All I had left was my husband… even his friends tried to convince him to leave me.
No one comes forward to say ‘hey, I have DID.’ Due to the negative responses and being told you do nothing but lie. There are more of us out there then people realize, we all are just… sadly professionals at hiding. I was for years, until I found that I could no longer deny my alters, I embraced what I had, and slowly, we’re getting to the point of co-existing.

Anyways, I’m done ranting…