Duality

Apologies, the last few days or weeks have been… annoying to be honest.
Without insurance, it’s hard to get the migraine medication that helps us survive… so we were pretty messed up for the last 3 days.

Today we finally caved after urging from the husband to send an update message to our neurologist. The spasms are getting longer, more painful. The deep aching is much more painful, causing me to collapse from pain verses just loosing feeling. It’s been really hard on the others, Vera and Una wish they knew what to do… I have the whole crew hovering around trying to make me feel better, it’s kind of funny.
We had two fainting spells, one in October and another one yesterday. I think it’s nothing, but Vera and Alice both wanted me to mention it to my Neurologist since it could be something…
My dyslexia is getting worse, I’m starting to have a harder time spelling words I have always been able too spell (thankfully with spellcheck, it’s easy to hide online). It’s extremely frustrating, so I figured mentioning it wouldn’t hurt either…

Sometimes I can’t help but press my eyes into my skull… the small throbbing is really starting to get on my nerves… and everyone knows it. Emily was the calm one for once a few days ago… I was sobbing, hitting my head on the wall because I had become so frustrated with being in pain I just snapped. She forced control and made me stop… it’s the first time I had ever seen her so calm… it was kind of shocking.
Alice and Rina are still having issues, Alice doesn’t like the migraines, it effects her work with memories and such, so she tends to get extremely upset. Rina had been hiding in her room, I think she’s to afraid to be around right now…
Xero had a meltdown and cleaned my husbands computer out, including his desk, drawers, etc…
Luckily my husband understood… or else it would of been a screaming match over it. Z has been keeping Xero occupied since then, so hopefully he can just… stay there for a while. Lucy is still sleeping through everything… makes me dread when she wakes up.
Rin is being watched… she was being bad I guess…
She let her bulimia take over… my Husband said he was able to get her to stop but… Rin is on room arrest right now.
Everything is just… messed up.

Today we all went with the Husband and 2 friends to see a movie, the new Star Wars one. It wasn’t bad, we all enjoyed it. I started to have extremely bad spasms down my right leg, so once the movie was over, I looked like an old woman as I hobbled out to a seat where a water fountain was. Even though I took my muscle relaxant… it didn’t help much.
My husband keeps getting called into work, Yesterday was the first full day off he had in over a week… it’s frustrating for me, I am home alone, trying to do house work without hurting myself; and I hardly ever get to see him. I guess I just get agitated about it, and I already feel useless for not being able to hold a job like I so desperately wish I could… however I guess one girl and her 9 brain siblings have a rather hard time with it -_-

I’m struggling with cutting again, I get those deep, deep urges that are almost impossible to resist… I’ve gotten to the point of taking cold showers to snap me back… it’s hard. I touch my scars, and remember exactly why it is there, what I did it for, and how… I just remember everything, and I hate every ounce of it.
That seething hatred, sorrow, pain, agony… all those dark emotions that where embedded into my body makes me ashamed… it makes me hate myself even more. I hate my body, I hate how the scars are visible everywhere. I can’t hide them all, and the ones people can see, know what they are, and judge me based on it…
Its hard… and painful. Drawing and painting my feelings have helped, but cutting became my drug… became my alcohol… I may have never done anything addictive, but cutting to me… it is addictive, and fighting it is hard, however not completely impossible.

anyways… my thoughts are just everywhere right now…
Sorry about that… kinda turned into a weird rant thing… haha.

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