My new year has been extremely busy. I saw my neurologist, I was put on a new muscle relaxant, had my Gabapentin (or however it’s spelled) upped, and got my NCS/EMG tests scheduled. Then I saw my psychiatrist, nothing really changed there, same day I got my NCS/EMG of my arms.
I have regained and healed quite a bit in my right arm… it makes me extremely relieved. Z has been assisting me in building a standing garden. He’s good with tools and such… so I trust him more then myself with a drill, haha.
However today was… not good.
So I’m sore in general from not only helping my mom clean her floor, but Z tends to be stronger somehow then me, so lifting and moving things didn’t help. Surprisingly he asked my husband for help, though he was pretty course… which is just how he is, my husband said he wasn’t to bad. We’re still working in co-consciousness and how it works… I could hear some of the conversation, but it’s a work in progress.
We were taking a break, so Z went and relaxed in his room. I was enjoying the weather and birds when my whole body just jolted.
I could hear this little girl screaming, she kept saying ‘I’m sorry mommy’ ‘Please mommy, I won’t do it again’ ‘Please no more mommy’ and in between her cries you could hear the slaps. They had to be down the block from me, but the body memories were starting. Alice was doing what she could to close the flood gates, but it’s not so simple.
I came inside, and quickly just went into the bedroom. My whole body just… twitches, it’s the weirdest sensation. You become sensitive to every little touch. Alice, Una and Vera all were having a hard time plugging holes and trying to keep it from happening. However sadly, the flood gates opened.
I kept remembering how I said similar things to my father, and I use to beg my mother to save me… however she was so numbed out that I doubt she even realized it. I started to beg and cry….
My husband heard me yelling, so when he came in and tried to touch me, I screamed at him not too. So he put the blanket over me and kept telling me he was there with me, and I was safe with him. He’s the only person on this planet that can find me within the chaos. His voice is like a beacon for me, if I get lost, he always makes sure I can find my way back.
Alice took that chance and managed to stop the body memories, Una and Vera where doing damage control. I ended up sobbing, it took me a bit to explain what happened, he stopped me when he realized it was starting to trigger me again, and told me that I was safe here, and to try and remain in that moment with just him and I. He said I should take a break from the garden bed, I agreed. I ended up calming down more once he and I spoke with his parents. The fact they love me and accept the fact I have mental illness and physical issues… it’s more then I’ve had. My mother still doesn’t accept my DID fully, she keeps thinking if I calm down, I can just become better. My mother in law actually asked me about it, asked me about good DID books… she wants to understand… she wants to make that effort. Honestly it’s more then I deserve, though if I said that my husband would poke me.
I fell asleep after, it helped my muscle spasms and aching in my legs, however it’s not completely gone yet.
Honestly I just really can’t wait to have Gail back… she returns from her break on the 9th, then we can start making appointments again. She said it will be good to get me back in, sadly much of my progress has disintegrated, but she makes me feel confidant we’ll fix it in no time at all. She really seems to care, she told me if she retires, I would be one of the few she keeps… I don’t know if it’s because I’m that insane or she genuinely understands my abandonment/trust issues… we told her we were afraid she was going to leave us, because I had no insurance. However she quickly explained she wasn’t, and once I had it again, we’d have appointments again. She’s been reinforcing me about it every time we speak… so I guess it’s a good thing.
Besides my small nervous breakdown, I’ve just been extremely tired from running all over, helping my mother, and doing small things for myself. One thing I did promise myself this year was to try and take better care of Us… We all agreed on it, and we all think its a good promise to make.
We still have arguments over wardrobe selections, but sadly I fear that will be common until we get it more… figured out with Gail. Buying a bunch of new clothes just… why…