Fade All My Life

This year has already been… rather crazy.
I honestly can’t remember where I left off with this, and frankly I’m just going to start where I figure I left off… (I’m already in the blog post thing… to lazy to check mostly).

I completed my NCS/EMG’s. My arms seemed okay, my right arm is starting to regenerate my damaged nerves, which was rather nice news. However when they did my legs, they found abnormalities. Turns out I have nephropathy in both my legs, its worse in my left surprisingly.
The lady who did it didn’t do the entire test like she was suppose too, which in turn pissed off my Neurologist. But he told me his official diagnosis is finally Sciatica with nephropathy, which excuses me from basically any job with physical labor… any physical labor… like walking. It’s rather annoying… but he said we can re-try for Social Security now since I have proof of my diagnosis and such.

I went and saw my primary care doctor as well, turns out I need to go see a cardiologist and see if I still possess my heart murmur… I’m sadly starting to have A typical Chest Pain on the left side of my chest cavity, under my breast. So she stated it was a big deal… she basically disproved all my theories. It can’t be my meds because if it was, I’d have it all the time, it can’t be my lungs because it would hurt to breathe… she talked about it being a GI thing. Sadly due to the fact I’ve never had acid reflex, heart burn, or any of that, it’s probably not within the GI spectrum.  So she was kind enough to write me a recommend to see a family doctor of sorts. He took care of my father and grandparents… he also took care of some of my mothers family. So I trust him to do a good job, he personally called me as well, we talked about everything and I got in almost immediately, so hopefully my appointment goes well.

My psychologist and I have been starting to make plans with each alter, to try and help me achieve co-consciousness. Vera and I have already obtained it, but my psychologist said she wasn’t surprised it was Vera… she seems to have the most power within my system. Xero and I can sort of do it, however when his paranoia or anxiety spike… it doesn’t work well at all. Una and I are almost there… but that’s about it.
It will be hard for Alice… but Rina especially, she is the victim after all, so I’m not entirely sure how to start… or even where.
Lucy will be…. difficult, but my psychologist thinks it might be easier then I think… I really hope so.
Hex will be hard for me… I’m not the social butterfly he is.
Rin will be tough, but with work I believe we can. We sadly have a few issues to work out from not only the past, but her own issues.
Z will be easy… just convincing him is the challenge.
I’m hoping after we achive it, I will be strong enough to finally have some of my locked up alters back with the others. I know they hate it in there, and I honestly wish I didn’t have to keep them all there…. however I’m not strong enough to handle them.

I do speak to them, and I’m well aware of Khala being rather angry with us all, however Rok and Ray seem to be speaking to me about plans and stragies that will help them function within the current system… even that Ray is a sex addict, she seems to be extremely attracted to my husband… so that’s at least a good thing.
Rok is just trying to stay calmer now… we’re still trying to figure out what made him snap, what turned him from a gentle soul to an angry spiteful creature. He has stated he wants to remain in lock up until he and I figure it out… I thought it was rather mature of him. Gor will sadly never change… he already stated that. However hopefully in the future we can overcome it.

I’m just hoping all in all things will work out better this year… however already I’m starting to realize what it’s like to pay off your deductibles… it’s painful.


2 thoughts on “Fade All My Life

  1. its good you are trying to achieve co-consciousness. you have a good awareness of everyone which is going to help you i’m sure. Sorry to hear about your health. xoxo

  2. Its the only way for us really… None of them want to reintegrate. My psychologist said they either want too, or there will be no reintegration, forcing them would only cause issues.
    My health issues are just a side effect of the abuse I took. My neurologist is 90% sure my sciatic nerve issues comes from being struck in the back, and the list sadly goes on. When you become a survivor of a brutal war, you never come back the exact same… it’s sadly the same for others like us.

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