In Circles

Apologies, it’s been a while.

To pick up from where my last post was, that day my husband came home and said that this person called him at work. He told me how unreasonable I was being, and how I was in the wrong. I let him read everything between me and the person, however all I got was ‘I guess I kind of see where you’re coming from, but you’re over reacting.’
That phrase just made me sting in pain, I told him I was sorry I couldn’t understand his point of view, but he just decided to not speak to me anymore.
I called my best friend, she helped me remain calm enough to figure out my plan for the night. I went and stayed with my mother, there dog seems to hate everyone, I also got to skype with my best friend.
I wasn’t able to sleep, at all. The next morning at 5AM I left and went home, husband was already gone, but I tried everything I could to remain busy…. then suddenly the wire just broke.
I attempted to kill myself, though the first blade I used was horrible, I went to get a better one and low and behold my husband suddenly walks in. I don’t remember much, he told me I tried to take the car keys, I wanted to try and OD but he took my meds, I tried to electrocute myself, and even tried not taking my meds… but he said if he had to take me to the hospital to IV feed them to me I he would.
He never once called my psychologist, or even tried to get me help. He just watched me like a hawk. The next day he sat down and talked to me about it, he apologized for acting the way he did, I still wasn’t in a great place.
I didn’t really get better until a few days ago, well completely feeling better anyways. Xero’s depression levels have stabilized after that, he’s back to his normal self. Vera says Xero was probably the one behind the suicidal feelings, but then again I can’t really blame him…. the whole situation hits hard. Alice and Una have fixed Rok’s prison, he seems to be resting peacefully again.

This last week and a half have been extremely hard on me. I have tried many times to tell myself it’s alright…. but honestly? It’s really not. I wish I could make others understand, instead of this all being if-you-have-it-you-understand sort of deal. It’s frustrating and aggravating, and sometimes I wish I could just live in my dark hole until the apocalypse… but sadly it doesn’t work like that.

Cracks

There are things that people say, and don’t realize the damage those words can cause. I understand everyone has problems, trust me, but using words as weapons do extremely bad damage. I was stuck in another state with a girl who did this to me daily, to the point Una forced a switch and made her sob.
She still tried, but the look Una gave her managed to keep her far from me, but instead she sent her minions to verbally attack… and it ended badly. They won’t speak to me, acknowledge my existence, and have basically shunned my husband over it. However that’s alright, they don’t try and reach out to him, so why does he have to try?

This past week, I had a similar situation, however it was with someone I loved and trusted. I can take a few things, honestly I can take quite a bit of beatings, and word stabbings now. However being told you are acting like someone who abused them mentally, verbally, and physically and also calls you lazy indirectly?
That was a weapon I didn’t even see coming, and ended up hurting me to the point I collapsed.
They don’t understand what they said to me, I told them to go and live with someone else, and they just think I am overreacting… let me explain why I think it’s the safest bet here…

They wounded me to the point deep within me, Rok’s prison cracked. Due to this, he’s slowly, trying to force his way out, causing the crack to lengthen. They have woken something that fractured my mothers knee, that did such harm to my brother, and almost broke my husbands legs….
He is dangerous, and needs to remain in that prison.
It will take time to repair the damage, the others are already trying too, but if they keep coming around, that crack will spread, then when it shatters…. god help whoever is in the house with me. Rok is pure, to the fullest extent, rage. He will rage until he physically can’t anymore… he will harm anyone or anything in his way. I don’t need him fucking up my service animal, my pets, or my husband…

The effect words can have is utterly bone chilling, most don’t even realize this when they say things. I am also guilty of this, I have said some pretty messed up things to people. However I have never once compared someone to my Father, the people who abused me in school, my Mother, or anything or the sort. I have never once called someone lazy due to there chronic illnesses and pain… or even indirectly said it to someone.
The damage that could cause is astronomical, so no one should even think of doing that to someone who also shares the same issues…. they are like the rest of the disabled community, which is why I think it felt worse then a stab wound, which I have had…

Black Splatters

The last few days have been odd. First, we all had come to the decision to put Khala into Lock Up… it wasn’t easy, but she said the moment she gets the chance, she will kill herself and take us all with her.
Due to the threat, we had to lock her up, we didn’t have a choice.

Then two days later someone Khala duped wanted to just talk to me, he said he noticed something was off, but he made the choice to ignore it. So it was his fault for believing her, and that he wanted to still be friends.
A bit of background on him, I have known him for 4 or 5 years via gaming. He knows I have DID, and has met a few others besides Khala. I told him I will talk to my husband, but that turned into a giant ball of mess.
He doesn’t seem to want to trust that ‘lock up’ will work. Its stressful, and hard to explain. I attempted to have Gail explain it to him, but that only seemed to make it worse. He said it wasn’t emergent, but the stress of it was what was chasing issues, and sadly I ended up switching to Alice for a few hours.

Then due to Khala destroying my husbands bank account, and him disputing the charges, my email account is gone. I had to make a new one… I have been telling people who don’t know I was hacked. It seems easier then explaining the real situation.
So I had to change my e-mail on everything, and go down to the attorney generals office and give them my new e-mail address.
When we got home, I told my husband about my neurologist appointment and I needed money for the co-pay, I didn’t hear him the first time so I asked what he said and he yelled at me ‘I will think of something’ I told him he didn’t have to yell, but I guess he said it for the third time…
He then started tapping his keys hard, I told him I was sorry if I upset him and not to do that, he said he wasn’t, then he slammed a bunch of his keys. I said he didn’t need to do that, and he said ‘You’re accusing me, so I might as well do something to deserve it.’

I went and cried in the bathroom before Alice numbed me out. Everything is getting harder for me since Khala’s lock up. Everyone has to get use to her not being around, including me. Due to the sudden rip, I am having a hard time with stress, and sadly, understanding things. I feel like I am being belittled by my husband, I know it isn’t like that, but that’s how it feels. I feel extremely small in this house, like if I stay in it I am going to suffocate.
I feel incomplete and it sucks really bad.

Slivers

I’ve been adding more and more to my ‘Life Playlist’ as of late, I keep finding songs. Someday I will have to post it for you all, but I need to finish what they represent.

Speaking with Gail yesterday helped me a bit with the Khala issue. Vera knows everyone’s jobs, so she has no issue taking over for a bit while we discuss Khala’s sentence. She will be extremely upset when she realizes she can’t come out after a week is up… if it takes months, it will. My husband and I talked over what he said to me, he agreed he shouldn’t of worded it the way he did, and next time he will not make the same mistake.

I had someone from my past come back recently, it was… terrifying. He was invited over by another person while I was hanging out with his 3 roommates. Merlin immediately got in between me and him before he started trying to make small talk.
He then said something that triggered me in a way I haven’t had in a very, very long time.
‘O hey do you still claim you have other parts? I mean, that was total bullshit right?’

I lunged at him, Merlin managed to bark right before I hit him. My 3 friends came to my defense, explaining he needed to leave due to his dickness. My closest friend walked out with him, and then proceeded to scream at him outside.
Telling him how dare he think I was lying, and if he still thinks that he was never a real friend to me. My friend knew long before I told him… he said it didn’t shock him when I was diagnosed with DID.
He then started to say things like what if he thought he was lying about his autism, and even before the guy could defend it, my friend said I had a real medical diagnosis of DID, just like his diagnosis of high functioning autism, and to believe otherwise is to discriminate against him, me, and everyone else who are like us.

I couldn’t really hear the rest, since Emily and I where having spats. However thankfully, Merlin was there to quell the flames of Emily. When my friend came back in, he dropped to his knees and hugged me gently, and cried with me.
Sometimes I forget there are those slivers of support around me. People who understand what I am dealing with, and even have done some research to better understand how much I go through.

I am so thankful for that.

Betrayal

I have been feeling great that my alters are finally starting to work with me, however my husband confirmed my worst possible fear.
Khala has played me, she said she wanted to learn to be more responsible, causing me to think that finally she was maturing…. and I wouldn’t have to worry. Since January, she has been feeding off my bank account, then when she couldn’t anymore, she went after my husbands.
He now has disputed over 600 dollars in charges… he is furious, I don’t blame him. I was played like a fiddle, believing she really did want to change…
Guess that’s what I get for believing a sociopath.

My husband won’t look at me, or even come near me… I really can’t fault him. Even through Khala is an alter, she is still me. How can you be affectionate to someone after they idiotically got played…? You just can’t.
I am glad I have Gail tomorrow, that way we can figure out where to go from here. Since I can no longer take her word on anything, Una has put Khala within her room. The others are containing her so she can’t do anymore damage, however Una tells me it’s not my fault, I couldn’t of predicted it… but I can’t help but feel it is. I should of noticed something while it was going on, but I guess I just blindly believed her.

I’m hurt, frustrated, betrayed, angry, and above all…. broken by this… I really thought we were progressing, guess not.

Frustration

Cigna keeps asking for more things, and it’s starting to take its toll. Gail finally gave them my entire chart, hoping that would be enough to make them happy….
Why can’t people just understand I NEED my service animal for more then just psychiatric stuff? He is also a Medical Alert Dog… if they just let me have him I would be able to work with no issues and be amazing.
O well…

Recently someone decided to pick up my medication without letting me know, it was a medication I cannot just stop. So it was a race to find it, and after I did, I told everyone I wouldn’t be mad or anything, I just needed to know if they meant to do this to help, or to play a trick.
Khala told me she wanted to help, but got distracted when she got back home. So I told her in the future, maybe we can do it together. I am proud of her, as of late she has been doing some maturing. It’s making progression much easier.

Recently I have looked at my ‘life playlist’, a list of songs I match to events and alters, trying to piece which song matches to what event or alter. Surprisingly it’s a lot harder then I thought it would be. We all had to help each other, and piece together an almost 5 page word document. The next step? We plan to write descriptions. Gail thinks it would be a good start to have a project we all can collaborate on, and if it’s to hard for one of us to do the description, we move onto a easier song.
I am not entirely sure why this is helpful, but we all agreed to do it.
She also asked us to call hospitals outside of banner, and find out if a Service Dog would be allowed for employees and patients. She wants me to see if every MRI department would say no, or if Banner is being a jack ass.

I have a job interview this week, so I am just hopeful that I can just get out of banner, and continue my lawsuit, without them all hovering and making me feel like garbage for having something I had no choice in…
I will never forget that. They basically tell me to ‘control it’ or ‘get better already’… If you have never read any material on DID or done research, then you have NO ROOM to talk. We can’t control what triggers us, we can’t control who has to come out and when AND for how long… NO I CANNOT CONTROL THE ALTER WHOSE OUT…. askdljfhaserlkjfnasrelgn…..

Apologies… that’s that most frustrating thing I ALWAYS get asked… People with DID have no control over what there alters do when there active. I have always tried to make it a rule between all of us that it will be reported to the collective, regardless if it was good or bad. So that the core can deal with it if needed, or if someone else has too.
They all have been doing this more frequently, including me. We all seem to be functioning a bit better with the help we are getting from Gail, and of course the fact Merlin makes us feel safe 10000000000000000000000000000% of the time, it makes switches last not as long and he even provents 95% of the switches, just because it isn’t 100% Banner said no? Whatever. The fact he’s at 95% is better then I have EVER been…. seriously.

Into The Great Unknown

Today is slightly nerve racking. We go and see a psychiatrist who specializes in DID, hopefully she will work out better then our current one… telling us to ‘get over it’ isn’t exactly something a doctor should say.
Over the weekend my depression got a tad better, Saturday night I had a weird fainting episode. Merlin ran and got my husband before laying next to me, licking my face. My husband took my temperature, checked my body for hydration, he even took my heart rate. Everything was normal but heart rate, it was rather high for me (I run extremely low… Emily on the other hand normally runs high) so he knew I didn’t switch.
Though he wanted too, I refused to go to the ER. I drank some more water, and said I should just rest, it was probably just a short circuit within my brain.
Next morning I was a bit weak, but was fine after I woke up. He then tested me for stroke symptoms which made us all giggle. But we understand… it was rather scary.

Our mother person seems to be more understanding and supportive as of late, we believe she has been reading our book. Not having a job, and fighting with Cigna and Banner has been extremely hard on me… especially with no Short Term Disability Pay. She said she will help me pay my bills, and get my aunt who is an accountant to help do my taxes for me.
We have never had her do anything this kind for us before without some sort of passive aggressive response, so we have hope she is changing…

Sorry for the shortness, been having issues writing as of late.