Pain

For the last two weeks, I’ve been in quite a bit of pain. It’s been effecting everyone… including my service dog. He’s been tasking non stop, causing him to become stressed. I haven’t been able to make appointments, get out of bed…. it’s just been slowly degrading.
I have some help, but sadly he doesn’t understand entirely.
Today has been the lowest point… I’ve thought about death, I’ve felt suicidal feelings. That darkness slowly creeps into your mind and taints your thoughts.

The pain doesn’t help… it’s radiating from my back, but everything is pulsating. I feel like I’m dying a slow and agonizing death.
Una and Vera are doing what they can to pick up extra, Rina, Xero, and Rin are unstable; so it’s been hell. Z is helping with Xero, Hex is helping me with Rina and Alice… poor Alice is already overly stressed by everything.
Emily is currently sedated by Alice, she went berserk yesterday… so it’s been an ongoing struggle. Lucy is useless… but that’s only because of her narcolepsy. Rin is currently being watched by Z as well, he seems to be really good with Xero and her… it’s helpful.

I’ve already gone off on two people for the stupidest things… I just… everything is so messed up right now.

The Human Stain

We always try really hard to not say anything that would offend someone, it’s hard for most of us to comprehend things, let alone spit out a reasonable response without it sounding wrong.
The day after my breakdown, I had residual effects going. I could hear and see things that where basically my flashbacks bleeding into reality. It wasn’t helping that my husband was at work. So I tried to call a friend, however it seemed he and a few others were playing a video game together…
So I just decided it was better to sit and bare it. My friend ended up calling me back, but he told another friend of mine (one I accidentally said something idiotic too due to not comprehending what he said correctly), which sparked a wave of worry. My messages were…. I guess hard to understand, and he was afraid I was in a dark place (he was right, but you get what I’m trying to say).
I explained my situation, then He handed the phone over to my other friend. I started to sob, saying I felt like an idiot, and that I felt horrible. He told me it was okay, he didn’t care about any of that anymore. All he wanted was to make sure I was safe, so he told me to get into my car with my Service Dog, and head over until my husband could be home with me.
It was hard for them to see me the way I was, body twitching, muttering things to myself (there words). They weren’t quite sure how to help us, all they could do is make sure is we had a safe place… and people watching over us. I cried a few times, but it was okay, they helped me just feel better by telling me it was okay to cry and be afraid, but to remember they where sitting right there with me.
I ended up with free dinner, and we watched something called Harmon Quest, which Emily thought was hilarious.

Then yesterday, I was working on my raised garden bed when my dogs decided to go behind it and mess around. It fell on me, it was extremely painful. Luckily I managed to crawl out and lift it back up with the help of Z.
I began having a mini panic attack, I tried calling my husband but he wasn’t able to answer. So I tried my parents. My mother decided it was a great idea to tell me ‘Well at least you didn’t break both your arms’
Yes… because I would totally be able to get help if I did…
My dad didn’t answer.
So in a panic I kept calling my husband, however finally Alice and Lucy managed to put me to sleep while the rest did damage control. My husband called worried, but after talking with him I felt a little better.
I slept until he got home… then once he was able to calm us all down, I fell back asleep…
I think it’s the most we’ve slept in a very, very long time.

Nervous Breakdown

My new year has been extremely busy. I saw my neurologist, I was put on a new muscle relaxant, had my Gabapentin (or however it’s spelled) upped, and got my NCS/EMG tests scheduled. Then I saw my psychiatrist, nothing really changed there, same day I got my NCS/EMG of my arms.
I have regained and healed quite a bit in my right arm… it makes me extremely relieved. Z has been assisting me in building a standing garden. He’s good with tools and such… so I trust him more then myself with a drill, haha.
However today was… not good.

So I’m sore in general from not only helping my mom clean her floor, but Z tends to be stronger somehow then me, so lifting and moving things didn’t help. Surprisingly he asked my husband for help, though he was pretty course… which is just how he is, my husband said he wasn’t to bad. We’re still working in co-consciousness and how it works… I could hear some of the conversation, but it’s a work in progress.
We were taking a break, so Z went and relaxed in his room. I was enjoying the weather and birds when my whole body just jolted.
I could hear this little girl screaming, she kept saying ‘I’m sorry mommy’ ‘Please mommy, I won’t do it again’ ‘Please no more mommy’ and in between her cries you could hear the slaps. They had to be down the block from me, but the body memories were starting. Alice was doing what she could to close the flood gates, but it’s not so simple.
I came inside, and quickly just went into the bedroom. My whole body just… twitches, it’s the weirdest sensation. You become sensitive to every little touch. Alice, Una and Vera all were having a hard time plugging holes and trying to keep it from happening. However sadly, the flood gates opened.
I kept remembering how I said similar things to my father, and I use to beg my mother to save me… however she was so numbed out that I doubt she even realized it. I started to beg and cry….
My husband heard me yelling, so when he came in and tried to touch me, I screamed at him not too. So he put the blanket over me and kept telling me he was there with me, and I was safe with him. He’s the only person on this planet that can find me within the chaos. His voice is like a beacon for me, if I get lost, he always makes sure I can find my way back.

Alice took that chance and managed to stop the body memories, Una and Vera where doing damage control. I ended up sobbing, it took me a bit to explain what happened, he stopped me when he realized it was starting to trigger me again, and told me that I was safe here, and to try and remain in that moment with just him and I. He said I should take a break from the garden bed, I agreed. I ended up calming down more once he and I spoke with his parents. The fact they love me and accept the fact I have mental illness and physical issues… it’s more then I’ve had. My mother still doesn’t accept my DID fully, she keeps thinking if I calm down, I can just become better. My mother in law actually asked me about it, asked me about good DID books… she wants to understand… she wants to make that effort. Honestly it’s more then I deserve, though if I said that my husband would poke me.
I fell asleep after, it helped my muscle spasms and aching in my legs, however it’s not completely gone yet.

Honestly I just really can’t wait to have Gail back… she returns from her break on the 9th, then we can start making appointments again. She said it will be good to get me back in, sadly much of my progress has disintegrated, but she makes me feel confidant we’ll fix it in no time at all. She really seems to care, she told me if she retires, I would be one of the few she keeps… I don’t know if it’s because I’m that insane or she genuinely understands my abandonment/trust issues… we told her we were afraid she was going to leave us, because I had no insurance. However she quickly explained she wasn’t, and once I had it again, we’d have appointments again. She’s been reinforcing me about it every time we speak… so I guess it’s a good thing.
Besides my small nervous breakdown, I’ve just been extremely tired from running all over, helping my mother, and doing small things for myself. One thing I did promise myself this year was to try and take better care of Us… We all agreed on it, and we all think its a good promise to make.
We still have arguments over wardrobe selections, but sadly I fear that will be common until we get it more… figured out with Gail. Buying a bunch of new clothes just… why…

Anywho…

Let It Fall

We recently had a pretty amazing thunder storm, we stayed up from 12AM until almost 6AM just listening, and watching. It would pour, then let up, then pour some more… it was extremely tranquil.
However the aftermath of something so beautiful is the part the body begins to ache like crazy. Irritated nerve, messed up shoulder, etc…. it all deeply aches and acts up.

We had to go play family with our father today. It wasn’t as bad as we expected, we went out to lunch, public place. So we felt more comfortable then being alone with him. Emily still can’t be around when we go see father, so she hides in her room to avoid her doing something… well violent.
We recently tried joining a few support groups for DID, it’s hard to read through some of the posts and such because there systems are so dynamically different then ours, it almost feels like were the oddballs. However we have known longer about everything then most in these groups… so maybe it’s a mix of having more years to process and having a better flushed out system?
I have no clue honestly, I’m just speculating like a moron.

My service dog and I went off to a small outlet store to get new bed sheets, one of the cats decided to take commando kitty to a whole new level and ate a hole in the fitted sheet. While we were there, I noticed a lady stalking us. My dog must of known it made me uneasy, because he made sure to find a place where I couldn’t be snuck up on, and he watched the only entry way into the isle. I was looking at the bed sheets and managed to find some. She seemed to vanish, so we walked to the kitchen isle and got some cake pans (I needed real ones to try and make cheesecake). With everything, we walked up to the front. We then where ambushed by the lady…
She asked me why someone so young needed a service dog, how I didn’t look disabled, and how she called the police already, etc etc… I started to have a panic attack and my switch was so quick, the store manager told me later I dropped to the floor sobbing, saying that I would be a good girl, and not to hurt me again.
The lady was floored by this, my service dog did what he was trained to do for Rina, which is to curl around her, nudging her face to help her come to and realize the flashbacks where just flashbacks, and no one was going to hurt her.
When the police arrived they arrested the lady for interfering with a service animal, and public harassment. I guess the store wanted to press charges… Rina didn’t even understand them. I was gone for about an hour and a half, the manager was pretty good about it, she thought is was all part of my PTSD… probably better that way.

I really don’t understand… I have letters from both my psychologist, psychiatrist and scripts+letters from my Neurologist and PCP. I did Good K-9 Citizenship and Public Access testing and passed… I have the documentation for it. He has the vest, I have a MyID bracelet now with everything. I even carry a medication list and a ‘In Case Of Emergency’ paper in my wallet…. I did everything I legally am suppose to do. I have the dignosis’s… I got 4 doctor approvals for him…. and everyone just acts like every service dog is fake now…. we know why, people have began to abuse the system more and more. However assuming is what causes flares, panic attacks, switching, medical issues, etc….
Just let the dog do his damn job -_-

Anyways…

Swallow

Sorry, mostly this is going to be a rant…

So last Thursday I called and left a message for my psychiatrist, explaining I will need re-fills on my anti-depressant/anxiety and my med that helps me NOT have night terrors. Friday I called again trying to make sure they filled it, but I never heard back…
This past weekend was hell.

My anxiety and depression where all over the place, and I barely slept more then 2 hours each night due to the night terrors. My husband called off work to stay with me due to this… I was hiding in the corner apparently. I assume it was Rina.
Basically for 5 days I was dissociated to the point I honestly can’t remember any of it if at all. Monday I received a phone call from the psychiatrist’s office finally, however instead of the doctor, it was his secretary.
Now… this is the same lady who tried to tell me I wasn’t allowed to have my service dog within the office due to allergies…. and later got yelled at BY my doctor because my psychologist called and yelled at him…. She doesn’t like me very much.
Anyways, she tells me they have my med requests, but the doctor won’t fill them because I was due for an appointment. I explained I already talked with him about everything, and he is aware I don’t have insurance coverage until January.
She sighed and said if I can’t come in, I won’t be getting my medications and would be dismissed from the practice, I asked to speak with my doctor, she refused.

I called Gail sobbing. I was right at the tipping point of all hell breaking lose on top of the lack of sleep. Gail managed to talk me down, and said she would call and see what she says. It took about an hourish, but she called back and explained that they wouldn’t let her talk to him, but she said that she would call the direct line then. Apparently that freaked out the secretary I assume.
My doctor had no idea I had requests for medications, and was rather shocked with the fact I was being denied a right to speak with my doctor about medications. Same day I got my medications, I already set an appointment for the first week in January…

I really hate people….
Anyways, done with ,my rant.

Bye Bye Beautiful

Last night We slept like shit… Night terrors and insomnia where are bane. Emily got up multiple times, she was hungry for half of them. I swear she never gets full, it’s super odd.
Despite having a bad sleep night, we still manged to get up out of bed. I started up some drawing studies of different animal skulls, I figured it might be something fun to learn since Halloween is around the corner. So far it’s been interesting, all the big cats have different skulls, same with different kinds of K9’s. I enjoy it quite a bit.
Merlin and I went out for a bit, we got caffine to help us stay awake. However after we drove for a bit, when it’s 10AM on a week day it seems no one really is around, so it was nice. I think Merlin enjoyed it too, I needed some fresh air and it was pretty nice out, so we rolled the windows down and enjoyed it.

When we got home he remained by me, he alerted to my spasms, so I had to stop doing laundry for a bit while I waited for it to stop. He’s my amazing service animal… and honestly my best friend. He woke me up multiple times last night, then this morning my husband said he was sorry for the way he’s been acting lately, and said he wanted to go to therapy with me once the insurance goes through… I guess it’s a start, we’ll have to see how it plays out.
I’ve been struggling not having Gail… calling her when in crisis is one thing, but seeing her every week is entirely different. I’m itching to go back… so are my alters, sadly we’ve regressed slightly, but not enough that my group therapies are concerned. They don’t seem to understand I pick subconsciously, so when it happens they don’t say anything to me, which isn’t good.
I’ve broken the skin in 9 different spots, then finally my group leader pulled me aside and said something… though she was convinced I was on drugs. I don’t do drugs… never have. I offered to do a drug test for them, honestly the picking is a residual affect from the cutting. However when my stress levels are high or my anxiety is spiking I do it without even realizing it.

I spoke to Gail today, it was really nice. She’s going to call and have a word with the group leader, she thinks she needs to understand a little more about me, especially since this group is suppose to be for dissociation and suicide prevention.
We also talked about my current state of mind, she said as soon as I send in the documents they want, I’m suppose to call and make an appointment with her. She said she can back date or forward date however the insurance wants, but she says I need her… and I couldn’t agree more. I can’t see any of my doctors… I can’t even see my neurologist to get my EMG done… so it’s extremely hard. I guess all I can really do is take it one day at a time.

I don’t have any Halloween plans, I think I’m just going to be home working on my drawing studies, and eating the candy I buy. We don’t have very many kids here, so I normally pig out…. it’s about the only time a year we even do. Thanksgiving and Christmas are holidays my mother person likes to do… however we never really stay for long, due to her dog being anti dog, I can’t bring Merlin, so being around my mother is hard.
I only last about an hour, 2 hours if it’s a good day… same with my father. I guess because of what they have done and the way they have acted has left permanent scaring. However we still try and interact with them, I mean hell, we manage to sometimes spend a few hours with my father or mother… but it depends on what’s brought up and said I guess.

 

Boiling Led

Recently I went through a long and grueling process of filing for disability through Social Security. First thing out of the person’s mouth was ‘You don’t look disabled.’

Just because we don’t look it, doesn’t mean we aren’t. Luckily, I had my Service Dog with me, so that changed quickly when he started to task in front of them. Hearing people dismiss my illnesses makes Emily a tad hostile. It was a very, very long and rather uncomfortable experience. I had to freqently tell them if they wanted information about my past (which they kept asking WHY I had these diagnoses) they would have to talk to my doctors (Which I gave them my list). They seemed to hate that, but that’s how HIPPA works.
After that rather painful experience, I had to go home and get ready for dnd (yes, we’re nerds). Vera helps me run a game of close friends, it helps get me to socialize, and she assists in giving me the confidence I need to run a game. I have one player who constantly seems to try and get away with cheating.
I read through character sheets every week, it’s not like I don’t pay attention. When I bring up these ‘errors’, I am talked down too, almost like he can’t respect a woman DM. My husband has taken the role of attack dog due to this, and when he’s within the room when I speak to this player, he’s much nicer to me… it’s almost creepy.
Even my other players noticed this, which makes this all the more depressing.

Due to this disrespect he keeps giving me (during game as well), Xero lost it last game. He was extremely upset, and started to take control without asking or without permission (we have gotten to a point where they can come out at home whenever they want, they just need to let me know is all), he started snapping at my players, and had a meltdown moment to where my husband had to take him into the other room and tell everyone to go home.
Turns out he doesn’t like the disrespect I get, especially since it triggers some less then unpleasant memories. He ended up cleaning my desk, fish tank, and did my dishes before he was calm again… it took about 4 hours.

Needless to say, things have been a bit calmer since Friday… now to survive next week with the lawyer >.>

(For those who have asked, yes, all my posts are named after songs)