Boiling Led

Recently I went through a long and grueling process of filing for disability through Social Security. First thing out of the person’s mouth was ‘You don’t look disabled.’

Just because we don’t look it, doesn’t mean we aren’t. Luckily, I had my Service Dog with me, so that changed quickly when he started to task in front of them. Hearing people dismiss my illnesses makes Emily a tad hostile. It was a very, very long and rather uncomfortable experience. I had to freqently tell them if they wanted information about my past (which they kept asking WHY I had these diagnoses) they would have to talk to my doctors (Which I gave them my list). They seemed to hate that, but that’s how HIPPA works.
After that rather painful experience, I had to go home and get ready for dnd (yes, we’re nerds). Vera helps me run a game of close friends, it helps get me to socialize, and she assists in giving me the confidence I need to run a game. I have one player who constantly seems to try and get away with cheating.
I read through character sheets every week, it’s not like I don’t pay attention. When I bring up these ‘errors’, I am talked down too, almost like he can’t respect a woman DM. My husband has taken the role of attack dog due to this, and when he’s within the room when I speak to this player, he’s much nicer to me… it’s almost creepy.
Even my other players noticed this, which makes this all the more depressing.

Due to this disrespect he keeps giving me (during game as well), Xero lost it last game. He was extremely upset, and started to take control without asking or without permission (we have gotten to a point where they can come out at home whenever they want, they just need to let me know is all), he started snapping at my players, and had a meltdown moment to where my husband had to take him into the other room and tell everyone to go home.
Turns out he doesn’t like the disrespect I get, especially since it triggers some less then unpleasant memories. He ended up cleaning my desk, fish tank, and did my dishes before he was calm again… it took about 4 hours.

Needless to say, things have been a bit calmer since Friday… now to survive next week with the lawyer >.>

(For those who have asked, yes, all my posts are named after songs)

Shimmer

I feel sometimes I’m to toxic for people, with alters and on top of that my trust issues run so deep it’s hard to let sleeping dogs lie. I realized this with my dear friend, I said I was having a hard time believing she would indeed return, and she said I flounced her trust into her face and made her feel like our friendship was nothing.

I told her that she didn’t need to say anything else, and that it was apparent I was the toxic one. And I told her goodbye. I love her with all my heart and soul, and I just… lost it.

She called me, and we yelled, cried and talked it out. I felt like a terrible person for what I put her through. But she and I both discussed why I freaked out how I did, and she explained to me in better detail why she had to step back. It was a great weight lifted from me, she told me if I needed her, she is still here for me and will talk to me. The anxiety that swarmed around me finally dissipated, and I felt so relieved I wouldn’t be losing my best friend, my soul sister.

Today I can finally get health insurance that covers my doctors and medication. My special enrollment one didn’t even cover my doctors let alone half my medications (the ones I REALLY need mind you). Thanks to some digging I was able to get my medication manufacturers discount cards. So I was able to just pay a copay and whatever amount the discount card said, for example Relplax is 435$ for 30 pills… with the card I pay 4$. So hopefully I can just get everything back on track, I am going to try and apply for SS Disability, my psychologist agrees I may not be able to hold a real job here, mostly due to the strict standards of a red state. Even if my Service Dog is for Medical Alert, I have been denied job offers because of it. Here people seem to think because I have him, I’m getting off easy or whatever… have about 3 people a month get in my face and say how dare I abuse the system. I guess it doesn’t help that our president thinks people like me should be locked up forever… o well.

Deteriorate

One thing that tends to be a recurrence within my life is how intense things sometimes get… it normally leads to people becoming upset, tears, and honestly? Leaving. When everything seems to fall apart, I always lose at least one person…
Sometimes I wonder if I’m just overly intense to deal with, other times I wonder if it’s just the concept of the fact I have (sometimes) misbehaving alters who end up turning my life upside down for a while.

I lost someone precious to me today, I understand why she needs to leave, I honestly do. She needs to focus on her own mental health, and honestly I’m just making it worse. It’s heart breaking you know?
Losing someone you loved so dearly. But then again, I should be use to this by now. Sorry, that sounded meaner then I meant. Ever since I was young, I lost people one by one. You think, ‘finally, someone who will be friends with me forever’ but it just never works out.
I really don’t get it, but at the same time, I really think it’s because of my alters…

I have 2 suicidal alters, it’s hard sometimes to control them. I think people have a hard time understanding that, but then again, I could be completely wrong, and just assuming things like I normally do.
I can’t help but feel like something is wrong with me, but then again, I guess there is if you think about it logically.
Sorry, I’m pretty messed up right now… guess I can’t make sense.

A Lady’s Due

Our new therapy is going well, we still see Gail along with the outpatient therapy. However as of late, listening to all these people, how high medication levels have done wonders for them, it makes me feel out of place.
I can’t increase any of my medications, nor can I get on medications that are more potent or have higher doses… it would destroy any type of control I have. It’s like Marijuana for me, I’ve tried Indica’s and Salvias (sorry if misspelled), any once of control I lose, suddenly everything becomes a shit show.
Last time I lost my grip, Emily gave us a boxer fracture for punching her hand through a wall, Rina almost successfully killed herself, Xero began to scrub his hands so bad, it made them bleeding and raw….
Control is key, not just for me, but for all of us. They asked about increasing my medications, but I told them if they knew anything about DID like they said they did, they should know why I can’t do that.

The last few suicide attempts I’ve had, have been alter induced. Gail tells me it means that it’s not me who wants to die, but the alter. Rin was responsible for the last one, Rina was the previous ones. It’s hard living with 2 suicidal personalities, especially when one doesn’t act like it, and tends to have bulimic and anorexic issues.
Today I am meeting an old friend I haven’t seen since middle school, I was shocked when she said she didn’t hate me, I was pretty sure everyone did in middle school.
I think it will be a nice change for me, I hardly ever go out and mingle, she is aware of my psychiatric issues since she was part of the ‘Years of Hell’ as we all call them.
We’re all excited, Emily even is, after all she was one of few in the past she liked.

I was suppose to go meet with a school administrator at the college, however my sciatica decided it was not my day. It’s hard to explain that to someone, ‘hey sorry I can’t stand up, so I can’t come’…. most freak out and ask if I need to go to the hospital, but if I did they’d laugh at me. There’s nothing they can do, my Neurologist said once my insurance is back, they have another EMG to do. Apparently it is something to do with my nerves. but they want to refine it now, towards where the disruptions are.
It’s hard, even with my special enrollment insurance, it still doesn’t cover any of my doctors, and only one of my medications; Birth Control.
It doesn’t cover my neuro medications, normal medications, or my psych medications…. it’s kind of upsetting. So I’m trying to find cheaper places for my medications, while I wait for this friday.
Open Enrollment starts finally, and as soon as I’m signed up, it begins. So I will be so happy once all this is over.

 

Evermore

Sometimes things just tend to fail at going right, and when everything crumbles you are left to wonder why. My mortgage company are idiots, they told me they pulled the 500 out of my account, turns out they didn’t.
Come to find this out because they call my father, who is NOT a authorized user on the mortgage.

Next I start to run out of medication I was sure I had enough of in the beginning of August, guess how wrong I was? The medication keeping my night terrors at bay is gone, thus releasing a plague upon my own brain.
Emily has been up every night for hours, trying to let me stay calm… however it takes a toll on my body. Everything hurts, have been having some fits in my legs, no falling just tingling like crazy.

My roommate has been nothing but a burden to me, she had a chance to find a job and help since the end of March… but not once did she find one. She expects me to do her laundry like I’m her mother, and when I cook meals my Husband and I only get less then half since she eats like a pig.
Last night I got none of the dinner I ate because she took so much, that I just would rather my husband had a meal then me. She has told a friend of mine she expects my husband and I to bend and let her stay…

Sometimes, when everything comes to a head and you’re falling down that rabbit hole, you have a moment of weakness. I tried to kill myself, however control was revoked extremely fast, the cuts are not even deep, they look like cat scratches or a cat lunged off me. I understand the significance of what happened, and how it was a horrible moment of weakness. I went and spoke to Gail with my husband, and Gail agreed with my husband that inpatient was not the best option.
Due to where I live, no matter where I go, they don’t believe me when I tell them I have DID. They try and change my medications, and say I’m schizophrenic or bi-polar, they try and keep me there like I’m some lab rat… they do all of this without consulting my husband, who is my POA.
Due to this, my alters and I know how to play the system, we do everything we can to get out before they do more damage to us.
I got the phone call today we are going to try outpatient therapy for dissociation. It isn’t DBT or CBT, I guess its a different type. I’m willing to try it, my husband has agreed he will attend with me, as loved ones are encouraged to be apparent of the therapy.

I had someone I trusted tell me I was very sick, and needed help. I became hurt by this comment, I felt as though she didn’t understand like I knew she did. However I’m starting to wonder if I’m just having an overreaction to it. I understand what happened was not good, and it was not the first time this year it’s happened… however hospitals don’t help me, they can’t change my medications around without severely messing with my system it took me over a year to get on the cocktail I’m on now, and for it to work without causing side effects with my alters.
The last time I was put on medications without someone carefully doing so, I began to have psychotic breaks and hallucinations, so bad to the point my family was afraid of me… my own family.

I just feel like I’m lost within this extremely long tunnel, and all I want to do is find the door, and get back onto my path to recovery. 5 steps forward and 10 steps back suck, but I’m surviving… that’s all that matters.

Very Long, But Needed Update

I have been slacking extremely bad as of late. Sadly there has been so much going on, we are just trying to survive at this point.

I was fired from my job, there first excuse was I was a ‘liability’ because of my back issues (though they hired me, knowing full well WHAT my back issues were…), then when the day of firing came, they made sure to cover there asses.
They said they needed a person who would be on cashier full time, and due to my back issues I would be unable to perform the job tasks….
-sigh- back to square one.

Around this time, I lost my health insurance as well… and due to the fact that the special enrollment doesn’t have anything available that my doctors will take, I am stuck until September open enrollment to get new insurance. Most would probably just say, “well you can find new doctors”, the truth? I can’t.
Finding a psychologist who specializes in DID and disassociation in my state is EXTREMELY rare… the fact I found her is a miracle… then adding on a psychiatrist, neurologist, and a primary care that know and have experience with DID? I found the motherland of miracles, so no… I can’t just ‘find new doctors’.
With all the testing and medications I take, switching and having to go through getting my records moved over, and dealing with the whole ‘Well… you show classic signs of bipolar and schizophrenia… are you sure you have DID?’…. I think Emily would destroy another office -_-

Due to all this happening, I struggled with suicidal feelings, I had a hard time getting out of bed, dressing, I even started to have issues of bulimia like in high school. It started to spiral pretty bad. Luckily my psychologist told me to still call her, so speaking with her has helped. My husband was having a hard time understanding me, so I finally just….. stopped holding back all my emotions.
I told him everything, even things I’ve been having since way back in Idaho. I told him how I felt like I was a waste of space, and how he deserves a wife who can be healthy so she can keep a job. How he deserves someone who is more attentive to him, who does the house work every day, who keeps it up. How I feel like his friends are right, and I am terrible for him, and I will one day ruin him.
How I’ve never felt like I was attractive, and that he would love the skinny me again instead of what these medications have done to me. How I feel like if I was to disappear, people would be able to go on with there lives without having to worry about me, my family can finally be at peace and not need to worry about me. How I wish I could just… be healthy, and not be so sick.
He didn’t even know how to respond let alone express anything on his face. For the first time in my life, I think he really didn’t know how long, and how hard I’ve been fighting the negativity of not only others, but negativity from myself as well. I cried for so long, I honestly have no idea for exactly how long, however my husband just let me, he held me and just…. let me sob. He was very calm, he used a very soothing voice I honestly haven’t heard in a long time, and explained to me how my negative thoughts where wrong, because this was how he really felt. It was wonderful, and it was the first really serious talk we’ve had about my inner most dark thoughts.

I’ve somewhat stablized, they have helped BIG time…. my husband has even recognized how much of a help they all were. I think it was the first time he understood exactly how complicating my system is, but also how efficient it can be when it has to be.
They’ve been getting braver about coming out, I’m kind of happy about that, I just want my siblings and husband to get along… not hate each other.
Emily and Rin seem to be the only ones doing it at this time, I know Alice and Rina will, they love hanging out with there ‘big brother’… can’t tell you how many times that still sends chills, heh.
I’m hoping the others will, I’m pretty sure Una and Vera will still just sit back, they tend to do that…. but it would be nice to see everyone getting along ^_^

Anywho… hurrah for a very long, but needed post. I will be posting more again soon ❤

In Circles

Apologies, it’s been a while.

To pick up from where my last post was, that day my husband came home and said that this person called him at work. He told me how unreasonable I was being, and how I was in the wrong. I let him read everything between me and the person, however all I got was ‘I guess I kind of see where you’re coming from, but you’re over reacting.’
That phrase just made me sting in pain, I told him I was sorry I couldn’t understand his point of view, but he just decided to not speak to me anymore.
I called my best friend, she helped me remain calm enough to figure out my plan for the night. I went and stayed with my mother, there dog seems to hate everyone, I also got to skype with my best friend.
I wasn’t able to sleep, at all. The next morning at 5AM I left and went home, husband was already gone, but I tried everything I could to remain busy…. then suddenly the wire just broke.
I attempted to kill myself, though the first blade I used was horrible, I went to get a better one and low and behold my husband suddenly walks in. I don’t remember much, he told me I tried to take the car keys, I wanted to try and OD but he took my meds, I tried to electrocute myself, and even tried not taking my meds… but he said if he had to take me to the hospital to IV feed them to me I he would.
He never once called my psychologist, or even tried to get me help. He just watched me like a hawk. The next day he sat down and talked to me about it, he apologized for acting the way he did, I still wasn’t in a great place.
I didn’t really get better until a few days ago, well completely feeling better anyways. Xero’s depression levels have stabilized after that, he’s back to his normal self. Vera says Xero was probably the one behind the suicidal feelings, but then again I can’t really blame him…. the whole situation hits hard. Alice and Una have fixed Rok’s prison, he seems to be resting peacefully again.

This last week and a half have been extremely hard on me. I have tried many times to tell myself it’s alright…. but honestly? It’s really not. I wish I could make others understand, instead of this all being if-you-have-it-you-understand sort of deal. It’s frustrating and aggravating, and sometimes I wish I could just live in my dark hole until the apocalypse… but sadly it doesn’t work like that.