Swallow

Sorry, mostly this is going to be a rant…

So last Thursday I called and left a message for my psychiatrist, explaining I will need re-fills on my anti-depressant/anxiety and my med that helps me NOT have night terrors. Friday I called again trying to make sure they filled it, but I never heard back…
This past weekend was hell.

My anxiety and depression where all over the place, and I barely slept more then 2 hours each night due to the night terrors. My husband called off work to stay with me due to this… I was hiding in the corner apparently. I assume it was Rina.
Basically for 5 days I was dissociated to the point I honestly can’t remember any of it if at all. Monday I received a phone call from the psychiatrist’s office finally, however instead of the doctor, it was his secretary.
Now… this is the same lady who tried to tell me I wasn’t allowed to have my service dog within the office due to allergies…. and later got yelled at BY my doctor because my psychologist called and yelled at him…. She doesn’t like me very much.
Anyways, she tells me they have my med requests, but the doctor won’t fill them because I was due for an appointment. I explained I already talked with him about everything, and he is aware I don’t have insurance coverage until January.
She sighed and said if I can’t come in, I won’t be getting my medications and would be dismissed from the practice, I asked to speak with my doctor, she refused.

I called Gail sobbing. I was right at the tipping point of all hell breaking lose on top of the lack of sleep. Gail managed to talk me down, and said she would call and see what she says. It took about an hourish, but she called back and explained that they wouldn’t let her talk to him, but she said that she would call the direct line then. Apparently that freaked out the secretary I assume.
My doctor had no idea I had requests for medications, and was rather shocked with the fact I was being denied a right to speak with my doctor about medications. Same day I got my medications, I already set an appointment for the first week in January…

I really hate people….
Anyways, done with ,my rant.

Bye Bye Beautiful

Last night We slept like shit… Night terrors and insomnia where are bane. Emily got up multiple times, she was hungry for half of them. I swear she never gets full, it’s super odd.
Despite having a bad sleep night, we still manged to get up out of bed. I started up some drawing studies of different animal skulls, I figured it might be something fun to learn since Halloween is around the corner. So far it’s been interesting, all the big cats have different skulls, same with different kinds of K9’s. I enjoy it quite a bit.
Merlin and I went out for a bit, we got caffine to help us stay awake. However after we drove for a bit, when it’s 10AM on a week day it seems no one really is around, so it was nice. I think Merlin enjoyed it too, I needed some fresh air and it was pretty nice out, so we rolled the windows down and enjoyed it.

When we got home he remained by me, he alerted to my spasms, so I had to stop doing laundry for a bit while I waited for it to stop. He’s my amazing service animal… and honestly my best friend. He woke me up multiple times last night, then this morning my husband said he was sorry for the way he’s been acting lately, and said he wanted to go to therapy with me once the insurance goes through… I guess it’s a start, we’ll have to see how it plays out.
I’ve been struggling not having Gail… calling her when in crisis is one thing, but seeing her every week is entirely different. I’m itching to go back… so are my alters, sadly we’ve regressed slightly, but not enough that my group therapies are concerned. They don’t seem to understand I pick subconsciously, so when it happens they don’t say anything to me, which isn’t good.
I’ve broken the skin in 9 different spots, then finally my group leader pulled me aside and said something… though she was convinced I was on drugs. I don’t do drugs… never have. I offered to do a drug test for them, honestly the picking is a residual affect from the cutting. However when my stress levels are high or my anxiety is spiking I do it without even realizing it.

I spoke to Gail today, it was really nice. She’s going to call and have a word with the group leader, she thinks she needs to understand a little more about me, especially since this group is suppose to be for dissociation and suicide prevention.
We also talked about my current state of mind, she said as soon as I send in the documents they want, I’m suppose to call and make an appointment with her. She said she can back date or forward date however the insurance wants, but she says I need her… and I couldn’t agree more. I can’t see any of my doctors… I can’t even see my neurologist to get my EMG done… so it’s extremely hard. I guess all I can really do is take it one day at a time.

I don’t have any Halloween plans, I think I’m just going to be home working on my drawing studies, and eating the candy I buy. We don’t have very many kids here, so I normally pig out…. it’s about the only time a year we even do. Thanksgiving and Christmas are holidays my mother person likes to do… however we never really stay for long, due to her dog being anti dog, I can’t bring Merlin, so being around my mother is hard.
I only last about an hour, 2 hours if it’s a good day… same with my father. I guess because of what they have done and the way they have acted has left permanent scaring. However we still try and interact with them, I mean hell, we manage to sometimes spend a few hours with my father or mother… but it depends on what’s brought up and said I guess.

 

Boiling Led

Recently I went through a long and grueling process of filing for disability through Social Security. First thing out of the person’s mouth was ‘You don’t look disabled.’

Just because we don’t look it, doesn’t mean we aren’t. Luckily, I had my Service Dog with me, so that changed quickly when he started to task in front of them. Hearing people dismiss my illnesses makes Emily a tad hostile. It was a very, very long and rather uncomfortable experience. I had to freqently tell them if they wanted information about my past (which they kept asking WHY I had these diagnoses) they would have to talk to my doctors (Which I gave them my list). They seemed to hate that, but that’s how HIPPA works.
After that rather painful experience, I had to go home and get ready for dnd (yes, we’re nerds). Vera helps me run a game of close friends, it helps get me to socialize, and she assists in giving me the confidence I need to run a game. I have one player who constantly seems to try and get away with cheating.
I read through character sheets every week, it’s not like I don’t pay attention. When I bring up these ‘errors’, I am talked down too, almost like he can’t respect a woman DM. My husband has taken the role of attack dog due to this, and when he’s within the room when I speak to this player, he’s much nicer to me… it’s almost creepy.
Even my other players noticed this, which makes this all the more depressing.

Due to this disrespect he keeps giving me (during game as well), Xero lost it last game. He was extremely upset, and started to take control without asking or without permission (we have gotten to a point where they can come out at home whenever they want, they just need to let me know is all), he started snapping at my players, and had a meltdown moment to where my husband had to take him into the other room and tell everyone to go home.
Turns out he doesn’t like the disrespect I get, especially since it triggers some less then unpleasant memories. He ended up cleaning my desk, fish tank, and did my dishes before he was calm again… it took about 4 hours.

Needless to say, things have been a bit calmer since Friday… now to survive next week with the lawyer >.>

(For those who have asked, yes, all my posts are named after songs)

Shimmer

I feel sometimes I’m to toxic for people, with alters and on top of that my trust issues run so deep it’s hard to let sleeping dogs lie. I realized this with my dear friend, I said I was having a hard time believing she would indeed return, and she said I flounced her trust into her face and made her feel like our friendship was nothing.

I told her that she didn’t need to say anything else, and that it was apparent I was the toxic one. And I told her goodbye. I love her with all my heart and soul, and I just… lost it.

She called me, and we yelled, cried and talked it out. I felt like a terrible person for what I put her through. But she and I both discussed why I freaked out how I did, and she explained to me in better detail why she had to step back. It was a great weight lifted from me, she told me if I needed her, she is still here for me and will talk to me. The anxiety that swarmed around me finally dissipated, and I felt so relieved I wouldn’t be losing my best friend, my soul sister.

Today I can finally get health insurance that covers my doctors and medication. My special enrollment one didn’t even cover my doctors let alone half my medications (the ones I REALLY need mind you). Thanks to some digging I was able to get my medication manufacturers discount cards. So I was able to just pay a copay and whatever amount the discount card said, for example Relplax is 435$ for 30 pills… with the card I pay 4$. So hopefully I can just get everything back on track, I am going to try and apply for SS Disability, my psychologist agrees I may not be able to hold a real job here, mostly due to the strict standards of a red state. Even if my Service Dog is for Medical Alert, I have been denied job offers because of it. Here people seem to think because I have him, I’m getting off easy or whatever… have about 3 people a month get in my face and say how dare I abuse the system. I guess it doesn’t help that our president thinks people like me should be locked up forever… o well.

Deteriorate

One thing that tends to be a recurrence within my life is how intense things sometimes get… it normally leads to people becoming upset, tears, and honestly? Leaving. When everything seems to fall apart, I always lose at least one person…
Sometimes I wonder if I’m just overly intense to deal with, other times I wonder if it’s just the concept of the fact I have (sometimes) misbehaving alters who end up turning my life upside down for a while.

I lost someone precious to me today, I understand why she needs to leave, I honestly do. She needs to focus on her own mental health, and honestly I’m just making it worse. It’s heart breaking you know?
Losing someone you loved so dearly. But then again, I should be use to this by now. Sorry, that sounded meaner then I meant. Ever since I was young, I lost people one by one. You think, ‘finally, someone who will be friends with me forever’ but it just never works out.
I really don’t get it, but at the same time, I really think it’s because of my alters…

I have 2 suicidal alters, it’s hard sometimes to control them. I think people have a hard time understanding that, but then again, I could be completely wrong, and just assuming things like I normally do.
I can’t help but feel like something is wrong with me, but then again, I guess there is if you think about it logically.
Sorry, I’m pretty messed up right now… guess I can’t make sense.

A Lady’s Due

Our new therapy is going well, we still see Gail along with the outpatient therapy. However as of late, listening to all these people, how high medication levels have done wonders for them, it makes me feel out of place.
I can’t increase any of my medications, nor can I get on medications that are more potent or have higher doses… it would destroy any type of control I have. It’s like Marijuana for me, I’ve tried Indica’s and Salvias (sorry if misspelled), any once of control I lose, suddenly everything becomes a shit show.
Last time I lost my grip, Emily gave us a boxer fracture for punching her hand through a wall, Rina almost successfully killed herself, Xero began to scrub his hands so bad, it made them bleeding and raw….
Control is key, not just for me, but for all of us. They asked about increasing my medications, but I told them if they knew anything about DID like they said they did, they should know why I can’t do that.

The last few suicide attempts I’ve had, have been alter induced. Gail tells me it means that it’s not me who wants to die, but the alter. Rin was responsible for the last one, Rina was the previous ones. It’s hard living with 2 suicidal personalities, especially when one doesn’t act like it, and tends to have bulimic and anorexic issues.
Today I am meeting an old friend I haven’t seen since middle school, I was shocked when she said she didn’t hate me, I was pretty sure everyone did in middle school.
I think it will be a nice change for me, I hardly ever go out and mingle, she is aware of my psychiatric issues since she was part of the ‘Years of Hell’ as we all call them.
We’re all excited, Emily even is, after all she was one of few in the past she liked.

I was suppose to go meet with a school administrator at the college, however my sciatica decided it was not my day. It’s hard to explain that to someone, ‘hey sorry I can’t stand up, so I can’t come’…. most freak out and ask if I need to go to the hospital, but if I did they’d laugh at me. There’s nothing they can do, my Neurologist said once my insurance is back, they have another EMG to do. Apparently it is something to do with my nerves. but they want to refine it now, towards where the disruptions are.
It’s hard, even with my special enrollment insurance, it still doesn’t cover any of my doctors, and only one of my medications; Birth Control.
It doesn’t cover my neuro medications, normal medications, or my psych medications…. it’s kind of upsetting. So I’m trying to find cheaper places for my medications, while I wait for this friday.
Open Enrollment starts finally, and as soon as I’m signed up, it begins. So I will be so happy once all this is over.

 

Evermore

Sometimes things just tend to fail at going right, and when everything crumbles you are left to wonder why. My mortgage company are idiots, they told me they pulled the 500 out of my account, turns out they didn’t.
Come to find this out because they call my father, who is NOT a authorized user on the mortgage.

Next I start to run out of medication I was sure I had enough of in the beginning of August, guess how wrong I was? The medication keeping my night terrors at bay is gone, thus releasing a plague upon my own brain.
Emily has been up every night for hours, trying to let me stay calm… however it takes a toll on my body. Everything hurts, have been having some fits in my legs, no falling just tingling like crazy.

My roommate has been nothing but a burden to me, she had a chance to find a job and help since the end of March… but not once did she find one. She expects me to do her laundry like I’m her mother, and when I cook meals my Husband and I only get less then half since she eats like a pig.
Last night I got none of the dinner I ate because she took so much, that I just would rather my husband had a meal then me. She has told a friend of mine she expects my husband and I to bend and let her stay…

Sometimes, when everything comes to a head and you’re falling down that rabbit hole, you have a moment of weakness. I tried to kill myself, however control was revoked extremely fast, the cuts are not even deep, they look like cat scratches or a cat lunged off me. I understand the significance of what happened, and how it was a horrible moment of weakness. I went and spoke to Gail with my husband, and Gail agreed with my husband that inpatient was not the best option.
Due to where I live, no matter where I go, they don’t believe me when I tell them I have DID. They try and change my medications, and say I’m schizophrenic or bi-polar, they try and keep me there like I’m some lab rat… they do all of this without consulting my husband, who is my POA.
Due to this, my alters and I know how to play the system, we do everything we can to get out before they do more damage to us.
I got the phone call today we are going to try outpatient therapy for dissociation. It isn’t DBT or CBT, I guess its a different type. I’m willing to try it, my husband has agreed he will attend with me, as loved ones are encouraged to be apparent of the therapy.

I had someone I trusted tell me I was very sick, and needed help. I became hurt by this comment, I felt as though she didn’t understand like I knew she did. However I’m starting to wonder if I’m just having an overreaction to it. I understand what happened was not good, and it was not the first time this year it’s happened… however hospitals don’t help me, they can’t change my medications around without severely messing with my system it took me over a year to get on the cocktail I’m on now, and for it to work without causing side effects with my alters.
The last time I was put on medications without someone carefully doing so, I began to have psychotic breaks and hallucinations, so bad to the point my family was afraid of me… my own family.

I just feel like I’m lost within this extremely long tunnel, and all I want to do is find the door, and get back onto my path to recovery. 5 steps forward and 10 steps back suck, but I’m surviving… that’s all that matters.