Rx: Medicate

Recently I got into a fight with some internet idiots… they tried to say I needed to medicate better, then maybe I wouldn’t be struggling with my DID as much as I am.
Seriously?
Do you understand the depth of that statement? sigh… another rant incoming…

Dissociative Identity Disorder is a mental illness that has physically changed the way your neurons and other parts of your brain work, to the point of effecting the chemical input and outputs like most other mental illnesses… however, there compartmentalized, so what works for you may not work for an alter BECAUSE that persona is literally cut off from your side of the brain.
So basically it’s like an irrigation system, there are walls that block the incoming streams from going to certain areas and others that help guide it, etc.
When you flood your brain with anti depressants, it only will work for the parts of the brain that ALLOW it. For example, I am the only one who is effected by my anti-depressant; where as Xero is unaffected no matter how much you pump into me.
We had a similar issue when we were mistaken for having bi-polar and schizophrenia, the anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers where not only making me robotic, but it was agitating my alters to the point they and I where having control issues. I was switching so often and so much within a day that I can’t even remember 8 years…. 8 years of my life.
Emily tried to kill my husband on 5 separate occasions thinking he was one of our abusers. It was a giant mess of chaos and mayhem that honestly I have to listen to people tell me what happened and just agree because it wouldn’t be so far fetched.

I lost family, I lost my friends… I lost relationships I can never get back or apologize too. My life was destroyed until I turned 18, then I unmediated myself, and got on medications that didn’t cause loss of control, and only helped me. All I had left was my husband… even his friends tried to convince him to leave me.
No one comes forward to say ‘hey, I have DID.’ Due to the negative responses and being told you do nothing but lie. There are more of us out there then people realize, we all are just… sadly professionals at hiding. I was for years, until I found that I could no longer deny my alters, I embraced what I had, and slowly, we’re getting to the point of co-existing.

Anyways, I’m done ranting…

One By One

We managed to do some house work finally, it’s been really hard to do much of anything due to the depression. Xero helped me do dishes and laundry, but that’s about all my body could deal with sadly…
He wants to clean the entire kitchen, but I don’t have the strength nor the interest sadly. Depression is one of those weird things that people think is just ‘being sad’.
For me it feels like I have a tree across my chest, something so heavy and crushing it’s debilitating. Then when I try and move, I feel as if something is pulling back on me, almost like I have nasty little negative baddies slowly piling on top of me until I can’t move anymore.
For me, depression has always been extremely debilitating… it’s not just crying and feeling lost, I feel like the entire world is on me and I can’t really escape that. My mother and brother always say ‘it’s okay’ and ‘don’t be sad’. I honestly wish my family could understand exactly how hard all of this is… but sadly with mental health its one of those ‘you have to have it to understand’…

it’s hard to really deal with it, my CPTSD and DID are the same way… Night terrors, physical memories, flashbacks in public… switching, memory issues, migraines… and that’s only some. Explaining all of that is so difficult, my mother’s response was ‘I get depressed too’ some time a few weeks ago, it caused me to completely meltdown. She apologized though, and explained she didn’t word it correctly, but still.
I wish I could literally give people my mental illnesses for 1 week… so they can see exactly what I go through. The fear, the lack of sleep, the depression… the suicidal feelings (however you don’t want to act on them), etc.
I think it would also help law makers if that was possible… but sadly it’s not something you can do. Especially things that have altered your brain chemistry or physically. DID physically rewires your nervous system, and blocks certain pieces of your brain unless you are that alter. CPTSD is similar… you’re unable to have a dam to you’re subconscious in a sense… and all those trauma’s you faced flood out, causing it to affect your senses. Depression is chemical I guess… or so says my psychiatrist. Honestly all my illnesses are just hard at times.

One thing I will admit though, I have never been completely alone. I’ve always had my alters, being physically alone is still extremely hard for me, but my alters keep me sane. They’re the ones who talked me through everything, and kept me alive in times I should of died. I guess that’s what there suppose to do, but I’m glad I have them. My family doesn’t understand this, and tell me I have to re-merge all my parts, or to ‘get over it’. It’s upsetting, and extremely hard. However I keep going despite all the negativity.
Una and Vera seem extremely proud of me because of that choice, I feel like I became public enemy number 1 in my family haha.
Z and Rin are keeping Alice and Rina amused, even Lucy came out and socialized surprisingly. However after 10 minutes she couldn’t help but fall asleep mid sentence, I’m just happy she came out instead of sleeping.
She seemed to wake up every now and then, but it was nice having her with the others. We haven’t seen Mimi since the other day, we’re pretty sure she’s back to hiding. Honestly if I have a little more strength, I would be able to keep her out, and she wouldn’t have to hide all the time… but sadly, I don’t have that extra strength.
Seems I went off on a tangent hah

The Grey

We went and saw our psychologist yesterday. Emily ratted me out, explaining I have been over sleeping to the point of worrying my husband, and I am not eating. She had us fill out a few things, that she made a few phone calls herself.
We are suppose to receive a phone call from a psychiatrist sometime today, he specializes in disassociation. She explained it would be good to see someone who doesn’t dismiss my siblings as ‘no longer needed’ or ‘ not real’. She wrote me a letter about disability leave, and I am suppose to also receive a phone call from Cigna today to discuss the process.

I was revoked control rights for the last few days, so Una set everything up. I was picking to the point of bleeding, once I get into the realm of self mutilation, I guess I get my control revoked. Xero and Khala had to help get me out of bed the last 4 days, Merlin helped when I was fighting against it. He’s been attached to me since Saturday morning, seems he knew what was happening faster then I even did.
He has been redirecting my attention quite a bit, he’s doing just about everything he was taught to get me to avoid mutilating my fingers, arms, legs and seems I have picked up picking my face now.

I’ve been reading a bit about body art challenges and normal art challenges for mental health. I am thinking of trying one of them while all this is going on, I may not be amazing at art, but I feel it might be able to help me a little bit.
My breast ultrasound follow up is today, I’m not to excited. I also have blood work to do for the Depicote, to make sure it isn’t screwing with my pancreas.
Hopefully all will be okay… I am not excited, but my husband managed to get the day off, so I at least won’t be going alone. Merlin’s Rabies shot is scheduled for later this afternoon, so I am hoping after I get his rabies, I can start bringing him again.

 

The Things We Fear And Love

Service animals are extremely hard to train when you and your siblings believe in it, but your significant other and family do not. I got into a fight with my husband over it. He said my dog isn’t able to be one, he’s to high strung, etc… he’s the same person who now sadly half time time believes me and the other half doesn’t know how. However, Una suggested I walk him every day, and try to even out some of his energy. It worked well, he seems to be not as high strung, he listens to commands, and all that’s left is bringing him into the community more, so he can learn to co-exist with everyone without being a pest.
I’ve been working on this walking thing for close to about a month and a half, I think Una was right, and if I keep it up, he’ll be so much better.
My mother has never been supportive, she finds my weak points and takes a very sharp pointy thing and jabs you over and over to the point you feel like your dying. Her passive aggressive personality tends to clash with Una frequently.

I’ve been asked a lot why I even have a PSD (Psychiatric Service Dog), I don’t look disabled, and then I’ve had nasty notes left on my car saying “shame on you for exploiting this right.”
When I get stressed, over even the most trivial of things, I rip apart my fingers and pick at my legs. Now, this is not as bad as cutting, but it’s still not good for me. I also cannot be physically alone, I cannot be in a dark room alone, I can’t even sit within total silence, and I have a horrible time coping or handling these situations without him. Then, there’s my alters…

Una is probably the only one who acts mostly like me, just add a higher level of confidence, motherly aspects, takes no shit and a blunt as hell factor, and you have the matriarch of my alters. She isn’t very nice to people in general, she has made people cry, leave, and even cut all ties with me. It isn’t her fault, she’s just protective of me. When I was between 2 and 5, Una was my only friend. I tried to make friends, but I was picked on or had my things stolen, Una was the only one who truly wanted to play with me, and care about me. She was written off as an imaginary friend for a long time, even after Xero.
Una believes the service animal would be amazingly good for the others, including myself.

Xero was the one who always sat with me in the dark, he told me it was okay to feel sad and scared when my father came home, screaming and running into the walls. He appeared when I was between 5 and 7 I believe, he told me it was okay to cry despite what my parents told me, because he won’t tell on me and it was good for me. Xero and Una both became support pillars for me, I would play games and people wrote them both off as imaginary friends.
Xero has a rather interesting curiosity, something I never quite understood. He is fascinated with death, blood, gore, horror… his fascination with the ma-cob tends to get me into trouble, he wonders off into places he shouldn’t be, looking up things, finding things, even asking questions that would make others look at him like he’s bat shit crazy. No, he is not a serial killer, he is just fascinated by them, there ‘works’ as he calls them, there psyche. My service animal helps Xero feel grounded I think, he keeps him away from the bad areas, and away from those who would judge him for his interests.

Alice is probably the hardest alter for people to communicate with. She is mute, but she can write or type basic sentences. She appeared around the time the beatings I began to take where increasing, and the first time she came to me she hugged me and smiled, then turned and threw her arms open, almost as if she was shielding me. My psychologist thinks she might be a child by her drawing style and the way she writes. To me Alice is just another sibling. She and I both share a love for color and drawing, its how we use to play together, we would color and draw.
Alice has never been easy to speak with, or really communicate in general with, she hates strangers and unfamiliar places. When she is in a state of panic, she goes and finds the nearest corner, crouches down and holds her ears. My service animal is extremely helpful with this, he helps Alice stay calm, he also creates a barrier, or a line between others and her.

Emily is probably the hardest alter for anyone to understand or be around… she is all of my anger, rage, and aggression. She is the one who fights back when I can’t, the day I had children believe it would be fun to amputate my arm was the day she shielded me from that blow. Her smile was so warm to me, her embrace made me feel fluttery and safe. She removes us all from danger, protects us when needed. Though her methods are ‘any means necessary’ and sometimes she does harm people, she doesn’t mean too, she’s just doing what’s best for us all. My husband hates Emily, he said she can stay locked up in my mind for all he cares, but the thing is he just doesn’t understand her like I do. Yes, she doesn’t like ANYONE including my husband, but that’s because everyone is seen as a potential threat to our safety. It was how things were before I met my husband, I had friends who used me and picked on me and then I had bullies. I had no in between.
Emily feels safer with Merlin (my service dog), she feels he can also provide that sense of protection she always so diligently does. Dogs are extremely good at picking up things, and he also provides as a barrier between whoever we’re interacting with and us, so Emily can properly analyze the situation. Emily is the one everyone is afraid of, but it all honesty, she won’t act unless she feels we are in danger, she mostly observes people, much to my pleasure we both seem to enjoy this. People watching is something we both enjoy.

Khala is my problem child, I’m pretty sure she’s a teenager with how she acts… but she is incapable of understanding emotion. She can mimic it just fine, but she doesn’t understand why someone feels that emotion. Khala is extremely manipulative, I sadly, have found online relationships she’s started, manipulating the guy or girl into buying her things I want but cant afford, then giving them to me as gifts. She gets mad at me when I return them or give them away when returning isn’t an option. She throws fits and pouts for a few days, then she’s back to her regular self. She loves to go out, party, dress up, put on make up… any girly thing thinkable is what she loves. Her favorite thing in the world though? Stuffed animals. I don’t even know why.
Khala is kept in check by the others mostly, but when she manages to sneak out, Merlin acts as a safe guard. He howls when she is getting ready to leave, alerting my husband to the fact that Khala is trying to sneak out. He also helps her stay away from shady people, people who try to get her to go places and do things she and us arn’t exactly okay with.

Co-existing is hard, especially when others don’t realize I have switched within a split second. Merlin acts as my shield, my guide, and my ally. Different stressors trigger different alters, and depending on the kind of stress going on I could switch, then end up switching again depending on the siduation. All of my alters and I have protocols, rules, who needs to be ready when whatever happens, etc.
It was the only way we could survive, me as the core… I have no confidence, I have 0 interest in getting to know other people because I honestly and truly hate people and have a fear of them. The fact I can even work a job is thanks to my service animal, or else I would of locked myself up in my house a long time ago. I have never been confidant as a girl, I have always figured I must be doing something wrong if everything is going down hill. I’m so hard on myself that the alters and the service animal help me not be, I am always praised by them, and encouraged by them. Merlin loves me unconditionally, along with the others… that’s all we want, is to be accepted as who we are and loved… be treated like we’re normal.

Lets Break This Down…

What I think was the hardest thing for me to accept was the fact I had what was called a ‘Mental Illness’. Does that mean I’m broken? Or am I ill and shouldn’t be around people? It was extremely hard to accept this term for me.
My family has never been supportive, after my father got his liver transplant his brain is Swiss Cheese, he can’t even remember the past, let alone my name sometimes. Then there’s my mother, the one who still to this day claims I’m a lair. I will ‘grow out of this phase’ or ‘I’m just being a child’. No, I won’t grow out of this because I have 5 other opinions living inside my head that seem to beg to differ with you.

My brother and my husband are the only two who truly try and support me, but they also have problems accept it. The words from my husband are as follows, “I understand, but then I don’t understand.”
DiD is one of the hardest things to explain to someone… I guess if we wanted too, we can get technical here.
The DSM-5 states that Dissociative Identity Disorder (Formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder) needs to match up with 5 things:

  1. Two or more distinct identities or personality states are present, each within its own relatively enduring pattern of┬áperceiving, relating to and thinking about the environment and self. (According to the DSM-5, personality states may be seen as an “experience of possession.” These states “involve(s) marked discontinuity in sense of self and sense of agency, accompanied by related alterations in affect, behavior, consciousness, memory, perception, cognition, and/or sensory-motor functioning. These signs and symptoms may be observed by others or reported by the individual.”
  2. Amnesia must occur, defined as gaps in the recall of everyday events, important personal information and/or traumatic events. (This criteria for DID newly recognizes that amnesia doesn’t just occur for traumatic events but, rather, everyday events, too.)
  3. The person must be distressed by the disorder or have trouble functioning in one or more major life areas because of the disorder.
    (This criterion is common among all serious mental illness diagnoses as diagnosis is not appropriate where the symptoms do not create distress and/or trouble functioning.)
  4. The disturbance is not part of normal cultural or religious practices.
    (This DID criterion is to eliminate diagnosis in cultures or situations where multiplicity is appropriate. An example of this is in children where an imaginary friend is not necessarily indicative of a mental illness.)
  5. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (such as blackouts or chaotic behavior during alcohol intoxication) or a general medical condition (such as complex partial seizures).
    (This characteristic of dissociative identity disorder is important as substance abuse or another medical condition is more appropriate to diagnose, when present, than DID.)

 

To be completely honest, it took me almost 2 YEARS to find a psychologist who was willing to help me. Most of them didn’t even know what the hell DiD was, let alone educated about it. The first person I tried, told me she googled DiD before I came.
Others told me I’m ‘to dangerous’ or they don’t want to risk anything in case I could become violent.
My new specialist reached out to me because one of the therapists I contacted gave her my info. She is very kind, and was trained into dissociative disorders, she even had a few DiD patients at this time.
Despite her explaining to my husband in the simple terms, he still doesn’t believe me 100%, and he still struggles understanding why forcing them all to just go back into my head isn’t something I want or need to do… I was so alone before them. I was so tired of being alone, and scared that they ended up becoming my friends, or as I use to call them, my imaginary friends. They had bodies (even if there not exactly human looking…), they had names, they each have there own distinctive voice even…

Why can’t anyone understand that? Well, because they don’t live in my head basically. Despite having my fights with them, all 5 of them are extremely important and helpful, and in a sense are my only real friends…

I know some wont understand this, but those of you who are like me might. I will eventually break each alter down, explaining them, and who knows, maybe I can get them to speak with you all as well…