Pain

For the last two weeks, I’ve been in quite a bit of pain. It’s been effecting everyone… including my service dog. He’s been tasking non stop, causing him to become stressed. I haven’t been able to make appointments, get out of bed…. it’s just been slowly degrading.
I have some help, but sadly he doesn’t understand entirely.
Today has been the lowest point… I’ve thought about death, I’ve felt suicidal feelings. That darkness slowly creeps into your mind and taints your thoughts.

The pain doesn’t help… it’s radiating from my back, but everything is pulsating. I feel like I’m dying a slow and agonizing death.
Una and Vera are doing what they can to pick up extra, Rina, Xero, and Rin are unstable; so it’s been hell. Z is helping with Xero, Hex is helping me with Rina and Alice… poor Alice is already overly stressed by everything.
Emily is currently sedated by Alice, she went berserk yesterday… so it’s been an ongoing struggle. Lucy is useless… but that’s only because of her narcolepsy. Rin is currently being watched by Z as well, he seems to be really good with Xero and her… it’s helpful.

I’ve already gone off on two people for the stupidest things… I just… everything is so messed up right now.

Heavy

Apologies… I’ve been extremely busy with doctors and such.

We finally saw Gail for the first time in almost 6 months, the moment she hugged us, we sobbed. It was one of the best relieved feelings I had, I sadly convinced myself she would abandon us, but everyone kept reassuring me she would never do that.
We didn’t get into to much, we mostly talked about how the last few months have been extremely difficult. The breakdowns, the medication struggle, etc.
I think it was just nice we all got to speak with her.

My health has been up and down sadly, somedays I feel great… but others I feel like I’m trying to carry a bolder. I know part of the issue is my depression, however my body physically feels like garbage as well.
I feel terrible… like I’m really a worthless wife. I can’t do dishes or laundry… or even clean when I feel like that. Instead I can only lay in the bedroom and try not to cry from the pain.
My husband asks me to do things, and I honestly try… I really do. However it isn’t always done, I struggle sometimes. Someday’s I think he understands… others I think he understands, but is still frustrated with me.
I feel like a worthless wife… and a terrible house keeper, even Xero is effected by how I’ve been feeling… so he’s been struggling to help as well. When the body is messed up, everyone feels its effects… not just me.

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep due to a sharp pain in my left side… no it wasn’t near my heart, it was either my stomach or another organ around there… no matter how I laid, it stung. Friday and Saturday night it felt like mini stakes where being driven into my lungs…. so even when I got up to help my mother on Saturday, she even knew I was exhausted.
I’ve been so tired, and in so much discomfort that I honestly can’t believe how long I’ve lived feeling like that… guess I’m one hell of a survivor.
I refuse to go to the hospital or anything, it’s to expensive, plus I’ve pretty sure they would think I’m faking it, or laugh at me… one or the other.
I got my letter to go get my next mammogram, I have to wait until I see my primary care doctor to really get that order.
I’ve debated heavily on seeing my PCP… but I don’t know if that would be smart. It’s hard to get in and see her… plus I’m pretty sure her assistant’s would laugh at me anyways.

It’s sad that people like us, with chronic pain, have to hide it from professionals… especially since they always think we’re either faking or trying to abuse drugs. My… what our healthcare system has dissolved into… I’m lucky enough to have a neurologist who can look at me, and know for a fact 10000000%, I can’t be faking what I’m feeling… he said he’s been a neurologist for a long time, so it’s easy to tell those who fake it, and those who genuinely feel like shit.
Plus if I can, I avoid addictive substances… the fact I agreed to Soma was because I didn’t really have any good alternatives for my muscle spasms… I don’t even take it as much as most would. If it’s a spasm I can withstand I will, there’s no point in wasting medication, because when it gets to the point I have the horrible dibilating ones… I want to feel assured I have the pills.

My lower back is on fire today… hopefully I can find some kind of reprieve soon… I’m just tired of feeling heavy, and feeling like I’m breaking apart.

The Human Stain

We always try really hard to not say anything that would offend someone, it’s hard for most of us to comprehend things, let alone spit out a reasonable response without it sounding wrong.
The day after my breakdown, I had residual effects going. I could hear and see things that where basically my flashbacks bleeding into reality. It wasn’t helping that my husband was at work. So I tried to call a friend, however it seemed he and a few others were playing a video game together…
So I just decided it was better to sit and bare it. My friend ended up calling me back, but he told another friend of mine (one I accidentally said something idiotic too due to not comprehending what he said correctly), which sparked a wave of worry. My messages were…. I guess hard to understand, and he was afraid I was in a dark place (he was right, but you get what I’m trying to say).
I explained my situation, then He handed the phone over to my other friend. I started to sob, saying I felt like an idiot, and that I felt horrible. He told me it was okay, he didn’t care about any of that anymore. All he wanted was to make sure I was safe, so he told me to get into my car with my Service Dog, and head over until my husband could be home with me.
It was hard for them to see me the way I was, body twitching, muttering things to myself (there words). They weren’t quite sure how to help us, all they could do is make sure is we had a safe place… and people watching over us. I cried a few times, but it was okay, they helped me just feel better by telling me it was okay to cry and be afraid, but to remember they where sitting right there with me.
I ended up with free dinner, and we watched something called Harmon Quest, which Emily thought was hilarious.

Then yesterday, I was working on my raised garden bed when my dogs decided to go behind it and mess around. It fell on me, it was extremely painful. Luckily I managed to crawl out and lift it back up with the help of Z.
I began having a mini panic attack, I tried calling my husband but he wasn’t able to answer. So I tried my parents. My mother decided it was a great idea to tell me ‘Well at least you didn’t break both your arms’
Yes… because I would totally be able to get help if I did…
My dad didn’t answer.
So in a panic I kept calling my husband, however finally Alice and Lucy managed to put me to sleep while the rest did damage control. My husband called worried, but after talking with him I felt a little better.
I slept until he got home… then once he was able to calm us all down, I fell back asleep…
I think it’s the most we’ve slept in a very, very long time.

Nervous Breakdown

My new year has been extremely busy. I saw my neurologist, I was put on a new muscle relaxant, had my Gabapentin (or however it’s spelled) upped, and got my NCS/EMG tests scheduled. Then I saw my psychiatrist, nothing really changed there, same day I got my NCS/EMG of my arms.
I have regained and healed quite a bit in my right arm… it makes me extremely relieved. Z has been assisting me in building a standing garden. He’s good with tools and such… so I trust him more then myself with a drill, haha.
However today was… not good.

So I’m sore in general from not only helping my mom clean her floor, but Z tends to be stronger somehow then me, so lifting and moving things didn’t help. Surprisingly he asked my husband for help, though he was pretty course… which is just how he is, my husband said he wasn’t to bad. We’re still working in co-consciousness and how it works… I could hear some of the conversation, but it’s a work in progress.
We were taking a break, so Z went and relaxed in his room. I was enjoying the weather and birds when my whole body just jolted.
I could hear this little girl screaming, she kept saying ‘I’m sorry mommy’ ‘Please mommy, I won’t do it again’ ‘Please no more mommy’ and in between her cries you could hear the slaps. They had to be down the block from me, but the body memories were starting. Alice was doing what she could to close the flood gates, but it’s not so simple.
I came inside, and quickly just went into the bedroom. My whole body just… twitches, it’s the weirdest sensation. You become sensitive to every little touch. Alice, Una and Vera all were having a hard time plugging holes and trying to keep it from happening. However sadly, the flood gates opened.
I kept remembering how I said similar things to my father, and I use to beg my mother to save me… however she was so numbed out that I doubt she even realized it. I started to beg and cry….
My husband heard me yelling, so when he came in and tried to touch me, I screamed at him not too. So he put the blanket over me and kept telling me he was there with me, and I was safe with him. He’s the only person on this planet that can find me within the chaos. His voice is like a beacon for me, if I get lost, he always makes sure I can find my way back.

Alice took that chance and managed to stop the body memories, Una and Vera where doing damage control. I ended up sobbing, it took me a bit to explain what happened, he stopped me when he realized it was starting to trigger me again, and told me that I was safe here, and to try and remain in that moment with just him and I. He said I should take a break from the garden bed, I agreed. I ended up calming down more once he and I spoke with his parents. The fact they love me and accept the fact I have mental illness and physical issues… it’s more then I’ve had. My mother still doesn’t accept my DID fully, she keeps thinking if I calm down, I can just become better. My mother in law actually asked me about it, asked me about good DID books… she wants to understand… she wants to make that effort. Honestly it’s more then I deserve, though if I said that my husband would poke me.
I fell asleep after, it helped my muscle spasms and aching in my legs, however it’s not completely gone yet.

Honestly I just really can’t wait to have Gail back… she returns from her break on the 9th, then we can start making appointments again. She said it will be good to get me back in, sadly much of my progress has disintegrated, but she makes me feel confidant we’ll fix it in no time at all. She really seems to care, she told me if she retires, I would be one of the few she keeps… I don’t know if it’s because I’m that insane or she genuinely understands my abandonment/trust issues… we told her we were afraid she was going to leave us, because I had no insurance. However she quickly explained she wasn’t, and once I had it again, we’d have appointments again. She’s been reinforcing me about it every time we speak… so I guess it’s a good thing.
Besides my small nervous breakdown, I’ve just been extremely tired from running all over, helping my mother, and doing small things for myself. One thing I did promise myself this year was to try and take better care of Us… We all agreed on it, and we all think its a good promise to make.
We still have arguments over wardrobe selections, but sadly I fear that will be common until we get it more… figured out with Gail. Buying a bunch of new clothes just… why…

Anywho…

Truth of My Youth

Holidays have always been extremely hard for us. Having to pretend everything okay, smile and laugh, etc. Playing family is one of our least favorite things to do, however it seems its a must.
This year was hard, my husband is afraid of my mothers dog, we don’t blame him. She almost bit him, then almost bit me while trying to bite him… so I guess you could say she has really bad issues. I understand why she wanted her, however I don’t think it was the smartest idea too. When that dog bites someone, and I really mean when, it will either be someone understanding, or someone who will report them.

After Christmas has been… hard. We’re extremely restless, mostly due to the fact we finally get to go see Gail again next week. It’s been extremely hard not being able to see her since August… so everyone is pretty happy about it. We’re also glad to see our neurologist, he was extremely upset we were denied for Social Security, so he said our plan this year is to get a more defined diagnosis, so they can’t just assume I have diabetes, after they saw I’ve been tested for it a few times…
Our PCP does blood tests every other year to make sure my numbers are okay, she does this mostly because of the internal damage that was done when I was taking the wrong medications… and gained so much weight it did change my body dynamic. She said she wants to make sure I’m not in danger of anything, and to make sure my numbers and such are within tolerable ranges.
Plus my Neurologist does blood testing when he feels it’s needed to make sure my Depicote levels are where they need to be… and he tests for things that could effect my nerves, i.e. diabetes and such.
We’re pretty happy to finally go and get everything done. Having insurance and not having to pay a fortune for medications will be amazing… its been the hardest part of this whole process.

Things have also been starting to even out for us, we stopped trying to please the world, we have began to talk more about taking care of my body, trying to make sure we have things to do and people to talk with. It’s been a slow going process, but it’s starting to boil down to where I have only a few extremely close friends, and that’s all I really need. They will be there for me regardless, they want to see me, talk to me… be there for me. It’s nice, because after so many years of being the only person giving, it’s nice to be on the receiving end.
We all think this year will be better. So here’s to hoping.

See you all next year.

Let It Fall

We recently had a pretty amazing thunder storm, we stayed up from 12AM until almost 6AM just listening, and watching. It would pour, then let up, then pour some more… it was extremely tranquil.
However the aftermath of something so beautiful is the part the body begins to ache like crazy. Irritated nerve, messed up shoulder, etc…. it all deeply aches and acts up.

We had to go play family with our father today. It wasn’t as bad as we expected, we went out to lunch, public place. So we felt more comfortable then being alone with him. Emily still can’t be around when we go see father, so she hides in her room to avoid her doing something… well violent.
We recently tried joining a few support groups for DID, it’s hard to read through some of the posts and such because there systems are so dynamically different then ours, it almost feels like were the oddballs. However we have known longer about everything then most in these groups… so maybe it’s a mix of having more years to process and having a better flushed out system?
I have no clue honestly, I’m just speculating like a moron.

My service dog and I went off to a small outlet store to get new bed sheets, one of the cats decided to take commando kitty to a whole new level and ate a hole in the fitted sheet. While we were there, I noticed a lady stalking us. My dog must of known it made me uneasy, because he made sure to find a place where I couldn’t be snuck up on, and he watched the only entry way into the isle. I was looking at the bed sheets and managed to find some. She seemed to vanish, so we walked to the kitchen isle and got some cake pans (I needed real ones to try and make cheesecake). With everything, we walked up to the front. We then where ambushed by the lady…
She asked me why someone so young needed a service dog, how I didn’t look disabled, and how she called the police already, etc etc… I started to have a panic attack and my switch was so quick, the store manager told me later I dropped to the floor sobbing, saying that I would be a good girl, and not to hurt me again.
The lady was floored by this, my service dog did what he was trained to do for Rina, which is to curl around her, nudging her face to help her come to and realize the flashbacks where just flashbacks, and no one was going to hurt her.
When the police arrived they arrested the lady for interfering with a service animal, and public harassment. I guess the store wanted to press charges… Rina didn’t even understand them. I was gone for about an hour and a half, the manager was pretty good about it, she thought is was all part of my PTSD… probably better that way.

I really don’t understand… I have letters from both my psychologist, psychiatrist and scripts+letters from my Neurologist and PCP. I did Good K-9 Citizenship and Public Access testing and passed… I have the documentation for it. He has the vest, I have a MyID bracelet now with everything. I even carry a medication list and a ‘In Case Of Emergency’ paper in my wallet…. I did everything I legally am suppose to do. I have the dignosis’s… I got 4 doctor approvals for him…. and everyone just acts like every service dog is fake now…. we know why, people have began to abuse the system more and more. However assuming is what causes flares, panic attacks, switching, medical issues, etc….
Just let the dog do his damn job -_-

Anyways…

Duality

Apologies, the last few days or weeks have been… annoying to be honest.
Without insurance, it’s hard to get the migraine medication that helps us survive… so we were pretty messed up for the last 3 days.

Today we finally caved after urging from the husband to send an update message to our neurologist. The spasms are getting longer, more painful. The deep aching is much more painful, causing me to collapse from pain verses just loosing feeling. It’s been really hard on the others, Vera and Una wish they knew what to do… I have the whole crew hovering around trying to make me feel better, it’s kind of funny.
We had two fainting spells, one in October and another one yesterday. I think it’s nothing, but Vera and Alice both wanted me to mention it to my Neurologist since it could be something…
My dyslexia is getting worse, I’m starting to have a harder time spelling words I have always been able too spell (thankfully with spellcheck, it’s easy to hide online). It’s extremely frustrating, so I figured mentioning it wouldn’t hurt either…

Sometimes I can’t help but press my eyes into my skull… the small throbbing is really starting to get on my nerves… and everyone knows it. Emily was the calm one for once a few days ago… I was sobbing, hitting my head on the wall because I had become so frustrated with being in pain I just snapped. She forced control and made me stop… it’s the first time I had ever seen her so calm… it was kind of shocking.
Alice and Rina are still having issues, Alice doesn’t like the migraines, it effects her work with memories and such, so she tends to get extremely upset. Rina had been hiding in her room, I think she’s to afraid to be around right now…
Xero had a meltdown and cleaned my husbands computer out, including his desk, drawers, etc…
Luckily my husband understood… or else it would of been a screaming match over it. Z has been keeping Xero occupied since then, so hopefully he can just… stay there for a while. Lucy is still sleeping through everything… makes me dread when she wakes up.
Rin is being watched… she was being bad I guess…
She let her bulimia take over… my Husband said he was able to get her to stop but… Rin is on room arrest right now.
Everything is just… messed up.

Today we all went with the Husband and 2 friends to see a movie, the new Star Wars one. It wasn’t bad, we all enjoyed it. I started to have extremely bad spasms down my right leg, so once the movie was over, I looked like an old woman as I hobbled out to a seat where a water fountain was. Even though I took my muscle relaxant… it didn’t help much.
My husband keeps getting called into work, Yesterday was the first full day off he had in over a week… it’s frustrating for me, I am home alone, trying to do house work without hurting myself; and I hardly ever get to see him. I guess I just get agitated about it, and I already feel useless for not being able to hold a job like I so desperately wish I could… however I guess one girl and her 9 brain siblings have a rather hard time with it -_-

I’m struggling with cutting again, I get those deep, deep urges that are almost impossible to resist… I’ve gotten to the point of taking cold showers to snap me back… it’s hard. I touch my scars, and remember exactly why it is there, what I did it for, and how… I just remember everything, and I hate every ounce of it.
That seething hatred, sorrow, pain, agony… all those dark emotions that where embedded into my body makes me ashamed… it makes me hate myself even more. I hate my body, I hate how the scars are visible everywhere. I can’t hide them all, and the ones people can see, know what they are, and judge me based on it…
Its hard… and painful. Drawing and painting my feelings have helped, but cutting became my drug… became my alcohol… I may have never done anything addictive, but cutting to me… it is addictive, and fighting it is hard, however not completely impossible.

anyways… my thoughts are just everywhere right now…
Sorry about that… kinda turned into a weird rant thing… haha.