Sacrament of the Wilderness

Last night was the first full night of sleep I’ve had in about a week and a half. Seems just knowing I’ll have insurance soon, and having my mortgage up to day is enough stress off myself that my brain finally chilled out. Everyone was happy, especially Xero, he’s been up with me every night trying to keep me company… poor guy, he was exhausted.
My depression is starting to come out of it’s stupidly long spike, my psychologist keeping contact with me was extremely helpful.
I decided to take a break from social media and just keep this going for a bit. I’m tried of reading about how Trump is this or that or doing whatever…. I’m also just tired of drama. I’m still waiting for my soul sister to tell me she’s okay with speaking to me again. It’s been hard without her.
I messaged her last night, but she hasn’t responded…. the last time I did was back in the second week of September. It’s hard not to just message her 24/7 like I use too. However I respect her wishes for space, I just gotta keep it up.

I ended up pulling something in my lower back, I’m not exactly sure how I did it… but it’s severally limited my ability to bend and turn certain ways. It’s also hard to find a good spot so I can fall asleep at night too, because the side I favor makes it hurt worse. So I’ve been trying to just start on my back, not only is it not painful, but it’s better for my spine. I finally finished all of the disability paperwork, I don’t think I’ve ever filled out so much paperwork in my life… but at least it’s done. My doctors are still filling it out, so hopefully once everything is in, I’ll find out rather quickly.
I’ve been practicing drawing people again, I am seriously out of practice… but it’s something I figure I would try again. I’ve been sewing again too, so I’m happy my hobbies are slowly starting to come back to a new time high. Everything within the last few months have been anything but pleasant, but I’m relieved everything is starting to workout.

Thankfully my psychologist has made special arrangements for me to keep doing my outpatient therapies as well, so it’s been extremely helpful since I haven’t been able to see her. Also Vera doing extensive research into cheaper medications while we had no insurance was a life saver, I honestly don’t know what I would of done without her stupid amount of research into it.
Today is not to bad so far, mostly I’m just trying not to make my back worse, and get over being sick… hurray for being prone to Staph Infections!
Not really… but you all get my point >.>

Overdose

Today was kind of terrible, Vera had to force me out of bed and into the shower. I guess I’m suffering a pretty nasty depression spike. She couldn’t get me up until 3PM, so she’s been pretty miffed at me.
Things are still… volatile, but it’s whatever. Emily just about tore my Husband a new one yesterday, so he’s been staying away until he thinks things calm down. Merlin has been working overtime, and I, like the idiot I am, thought it was a great idea to pull something in my lower back….

I’ve been trying really hard to find a job while my disability is still under determination, but it’s to no avail. They seem to not like the fact I have a service dog, so I’m turned down all the time. They always have there legal excuses… so it’s not like I can really call discrimination… but really? Allergies don’t count you morons!
I’m just getting tired of people who are not educated about service dogs and such… but I guess it’s a factor of life.
I’m still trying not to be upset about my Husband being mad for my alters being out. I’ve discussed it with him hundreds of times that they deserve there time out, they ask to come out, and they are pretty civil with him. So I can’t understand it… Emily just wants to kick his ass, which would amount to nothing. Alice is just trying to help me cope with it.
My psychologist tells me it’s sadly extremely common to have people not understand why they want to be out, and why it’s good I have a system that asks…. it could be one big free for all and I could be someone else every few seconds… but I rather not do that.
Hex has been trying to make me go out and socialize more, which I’m not comfortable with, it took having 2 breakdowns before he finally understood I just… I just really can’t be in giant groups of people.
Z has been hanging out with Xero mostly, they both have been helping me with Alice and Rina lately. Rin has been… annoying, but Una is staying on top of her to make sure she doesn’t try anything again. Lucy is just Lucy… she wanted to sleep all day today, but Vera stepped in pretty fast after that.
We had a rare sighting of Mimi today… she seems to be pretty good at dodging us. She seems more interested in seeing if we’re all okay then anything, but she’s still dangerous. She only surfaced for 10 seconds, but it wasn’t enough time for anyone else to snag her. I guess all she did was dig around in the dirty clothes…. better then her eating out of the trash again….

Don’t Tell Me To Calm Down

It’s been a while…

Recently I had a pretty bad blow out with my husband, he doesn’t like my alters when there out and keeps calling them by my name, which makes them angry…. we’ve tried so many time to explain it to him, to try and educate, so has my psychologist……. however it seems he can’t get it through his think skull.
I keep being told to calm down, to breathe, to not get so worked up over something so small

Small? It’s hard enough having alters, but you want me to just roll over and accept that people arn’t willing to at least try and understand? Screw that.
It’s not hard to look something up, Google is God for people, however all I really ever wanted is someone to just take that time… do that research, read that book I gave them, etc.
However the track record shows it will be a pretty grim outcome. My service animal Merlin worked his fuzzy butt off today, I feel kind of bad about it. We had to play family with dad today, and he brought up the past.
I told him 5 different times nicely, I really didn’t want to talk about it, however when he pushed the issue, I ended up triggering. Vera ripped him a new one before she drove home.

I broke down to someone very dear to me… I felt kind of terrible because I exposed a secret to him that I never meant too. Vera ended up taking control again…. I guess they spoke to each other for a while. Vera told me that he wasn’t angry with me, and understood what happened, it was kind of a breath of fresh air.
I spoke to him after too, he told me to not beat myself up over it, and it wasn’t my fault. It’s extremely hard for me to admit that, especially when you’re told you’re entire life you’re at fault for everything. I have maybe 3 people who I trust completely at all, the rest of the world can stay outside my maze, it’s safer that way.

I may finally have insurance… though it wont matter now, it’s almost November…. my psychologist and I are still talking via phone, so at least I still have that support. The medication prices are what are killing me. You look online, use GoodRX, etc… and some of them are just stupid expensive. I really REALLY hate medication, but I need it. I need it for the night terrors, I need it for the depression, I need it for the anxiety, I need it for my sciatica, I just…. I sadly need my medications. I’ve had everyone keep pushing me to try medical marijuana, however I know the moment I lose that control in my mind, all hell with break lose; I mean it messes with you’re brain… can you imagine if Emily ended up being triggered? It’d be a freaking nightmare…

Anywho… yeah.

Boiling Led

Recently I went through a long and grueling process of filing for disability through Social Security. First thing out of the person’s mouth was ‘You don’t look disabled.’

Just because we don’t look it, doesn’t mean we aren’t. Luckily, I had my Service Dog with me, so that changed quickly when he started to task in front of them. Hearing people dismiss my illnesses makes Emily a tad hostile. It was a very, very long and rather uncomfortable experience. I had to freqently tell them if they wanted information about my past (which they kept asking WHY I had these diagnoses) they would have to talk to my doctors (Which I gave them my list). They seemed to hate that, but that’s how HIPPA works.
After that rather painful experience, I had to go home and get ready for dnd (yes, we’re nerds). Vera helps me run a game of close friends, it helps get me to socialize, and she assists in giving me the confidence I need to run a game. I have one player who constantly seems to try and get away with cheating.
I read through character sheets every week, it’s not like I don’t pay attention. When I bring up these ‘errors’, I am talked down too, almost like he can’t respect a woman DM. My husband has taken the role of attack dog due to this, and when he’s within the room when I speak to this player, he’s much nicer to me… it’s almost creepy.
Even my other players noticed this, which makes this all the more depressing.

Due to this disrespect he keeps giving me (during game as well), Xero lost it last game. He was extremely upset, and started to take control without asking or without permission (we have gotten to a point where they can come out at home whenever they want, they just need to let me know is all), he started snapping at my players, and had a meltdown moment to where my husband had to take him into the other room and tell everyone to go home.
Turns out he doesn’t like the disrespect I get, especially since it triggers some less then unpleasant memories. He ended up cleaning my desk, fish tank, and did my dishes before he was calm again… it took about 4 hours.

Needless to say, things have been a bit calmer since Friday… now to survive next week with the lawyer >.>

(For those who have asked, yes, all my posts are named after songs)

Battle Scars

One thing we tend to notice, repeatedly, is that the scars we obtained while fighting this ongoing war are always looked down upon. One thing we really don’t understand is when Politicians and other higher authorities look at people like us, and more, and just stop at a rather hard stigma word…. mentality ill.
We understand both sides of this, trust me. However they seem to be more afraid of us, though most things that are considered fear worthy are caused by individuals who are not like us or like the community we share.
Honestly most of the mental health community still remains in hiding due to this, and thanks to Hollywood’s poor impressions on things like Depression, Anxiety, Bi-polar, DID, and so much more.

We didn’t chose to be like this, nor do we honestly enjoy the negative consequences that come with our break downs or triggering. Luckily, there are people within this community who honestly fight for us every day, and know what there talking about. For instance, Gail specialized in Dissociating, and for years worked with patients with DID, and began to search for more education until she was recognized by the psychological board that she is an expert in DID.
We see her every week, she has fought hard for not only to prove I was discriminated against at Banner Health, but submitted everything she has to the Social Sincerity office to help prove to them I am, sadly incapable of working RIGHT NOW. We and her both believe once I can learn the coping skills to deal with my triggers, and we all can co-exist, we’ll be able to work.
However the downfall is I was tossed around from therapist to therapist, people who didn’t know what the hell they where talking about, and it ended up regressing any progress I had by myself. So we’re all sadly starting from ground zero. Most places in my state discriminate against those who have a service animal for psychological reasons, and have not been in the military (they seem to think you need to be in the military to have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder -_-).
We still try and apply to jobs, despite all this judgemental crap.

The scars we carry are a symbol of survival, who cares if there not ‘pretty’, though most won’t acknowledge this, those like us who have these scars, are indeed fighting the war everyday. It’s a different kind of war, it’s a war only we can see, and feel, and become wounded or killed by.
We have been abused, beaten down, experimented on, attacked, verbally insulted to the point we believe we are scum of the earth, sexually assaulted, raped, and yet we are still standing tall, moving forward… even if we fall back a few steps, we still manage to get back up and keep going.
We have support from very few people, but those people are what keep us from dying, keep us strong, help us up when we can’t stand on our own.
We have battle scars that could scare people, even those who have been in the military… I do. My family member who was in Special Ops and is a Sniper was horrified by what happened to me in middle to high school. He said he would kill them, but I told him what was the point now? 3 are dead from OD’s and suicide, and one is somewhere that I honestly don’t care where.
What’s done is done, all we can do is move forward. We all are fighting a war that most can’t see, but at least we have the scars to prove we survived.

Shimmer

I feel sometimes I’m to toxic for people, with alters and on top of that my trust issues run so deep it’s hard to let sleeping dogs lie. I realized this with my dear friend, I said I was having a hard time believing she would indeed return, and she said I flounced her trust into her face and made her feel like our friendship was nothing.

I told her that she didn’t need to say anything else, and that it was apparent I was the toxic one. And I told her goodbye. I love her with all my heart and soul, and I just… lost it.

She called me, and we yelled, cried and talked it out. I felt like a terrible person for what I put her through. But she and I both discussed why I freaked out how I did, and she explained to me in better detail why she had to step back. It was a great weight lifted from me, she told me if I needed her, she is still here for me and will talk to me. The anxiety that swarmed around me finally dissipated, and I felt so relieved I wouldn’t be losing my best friend, my soul sister.

Today I can finally get health insurance that covers my doctors and medication. My special enrollment one didn’t even cover my doctors let alone half my medications (the ones I REALLY need mind you). Thanks to some digging I was able to get my medication manufacturers discount cards. So I was able to just pay a copay and whatever amount the discount card said, for example Relplax is 435$ for 30 pills… with the card I pay 4$. So hopefully I can just get everything back on track, I am going to try and apply for SS Disability, my psychologist agrees I may not be able to hold a real job here, mostly due to the strict standards of a red state. Even if my Service Dog is for Medical Alert, I have been denied job offers because of it. Here people seem to think because I have him, I’m getting off easy or whatever… have about 3 people a month get in my face and say how dare I abuse the system. I guess it doesn’t help that our president thinks people like me should be locked up forever… o well.

Deteriorate

One thing that tends to be a recurrence within my life is how intense things sometimes get… it normally leads to people becoming upset, tears, and honestly? Leaving. When everything seems to fall apart, I always lose at least one person…
Sometimes I wonder if I’m just overly intense to deal with, other times I wonder if it’s just the concept of the fact I have (sometimes) misbehaving alters who end up turning my life upside down for a while.

I lost someone precious to me today, I understand why she needs to leave, I honestly do. She needs to focus on her own mental health, and honestly I’m just making it worse. It’s heart breaking you know?
Losing someone you loved so dearly. But then again, I should be use to this by now. Sorry, that sounded meaner then I meant. Ever since I was young, I lost people one by one. You think, ‘finally, someone who will be friends with me forever’ but it just never works out.
I really don’t get it, but at the same time, I really think it’s because of my alters…

I have 2 suicidal alters, it’s hard sometimes to control them. I think people have a hard time understanding that, but then again, I could be completely wrong, and just assuming things like I normally do.
I can’t help but feel like something is wrong with me, but then again, I guess there is if you think about it logically.
Sorry, I’m pretty messed up right now… guess I can’t make sense.