Fade All My Life

This year has already been… rather crazy.
I honestly can’t remember where I left off with this, and frankly I’m just going to start where I figure I left off… (I’m already in the blog post thing… to lazy to check mostly).

I completed my NCS/EMG’s. My arms seemed okay, my right arm is starting to regenerate my damaged nerves, which was rather nice news. However when they did my legs, they found abnormalities. Turns out I have nephropathy in both my legs, its worse in my left surprisingly.
The lady who did it didn’t do the entire test like she was suppose too, which in turn pissed off my Neurologist. But he told me his official diagnosis is finally Sciatica with nephropathy, which excuses me from basically any job with physical labor… any physical labor… like walking. It’s rather annoying… but he said we can re-try for Social Security now since I have proof of my diagnosis and such.

I went and saw my primary care doctor as well, turns out I need to go see a cardiologist and see if I still possess my heart murmur… I’m sadly starting to have A typical Chest Pain on the left side of my chest cavity, under my breast. So she stated it was a big deal… she basically disproved all my theories. It can’t be my meds because if it was, I’d have it all the time, it can’t be my lungs because it would hurt to breathe… she talked about it being a GI thing. Sadly due to the fact I’ve never had acid reflex, heart burn, or any of that, it’s probably not within the GI spectrum.  So she was kind enough to write me a recommend to see a family doctor of sorts. He took care of my father and grandparents… he also took care of some of my mothers family. So I trust him to do a good job, he personally called me as well, we talked about everything and I got in almost immediately, so hopefully my appointment goes well.

My psychologist and I have been starting to make plans with each alter, to try and help me achieve co-consciousness. Vera and I have already obtained it, but my psychologist said she wasn’t surprised it was Vera… she seems to have the most power within my system. Xero and I can sort of do it, however when his paranoia or anxiety spike… it doesn’t work well at all. Una and I are almost there… but that’s about it.
It will be hard for Alice… but Rina especially, she is the victim after all, so I’m not entirely sure how to start… or even where.
Lucy will be…. difficult, but my psychologist thinks it might be easier then I think… I really hope so.
Hex will be hard for me… I’m not the social butterfly he is.
Rin will be tough, but with work I believe we can. We sadly have a few issues to work out from not only the past, but her own issues.
Z will be easy… just convincing him is the challenge.
I’m hoping after we achieve it, I will be strong enough to finally have some of my locked up alters back with the others. I know they hate it in there, and I honestly wish I didn’t have to keep them all there…. however I’m not strong enough to handle them.

I do speak to them, and I’m well aware of Khala being rather angry with us all, however Rok and Ray seem to be speaking to me about plans and strategies that will help them function within the current system… even that Ray is a sex addict, she seems to be extremely attracted to my husband… so that’s at least a good thing.
Rok is just trying to stay calmer now… we’re still trying to figure out what made him snap, what turned him from a gentle soul to an angry spiteful creature. He has stated he wants to remain in lock up until he and I figure it out… I thought it was rather mature of him. Gor will sadly never change… he already stated that. However hopefully in the future we can overcome it.

I’m just hoping all in all things will work out better this year… however already I’m starting to realize what it’s like to pay off your deductibles… it’s painful.



For the last two weeks, I’ve been in quite a bit of pain. It’s been effecting everyone… including my service dog. He’s been tasking non stop, causing him to become stressed. I haven’t been able to make appointments, get out of bed…. it’s just been slowly degrading.
I have some help, but sadly he doesn’t understand entirely.
Today has been the lowest point… I’ve thought about death, I’ve felt suicidal feelings. That darkness slowly creeps into your mind and taints your thoughts.

The pain doesn’t help… it’s radiating from my back, but everything is pulsating. I feel like I’m dying a slow and agonizing death.
Una and Vera are doing what they can to pick up extra, Rina, Xero, and Rin are unstable; so it’s been hell. Z is helping with Xero, Hex is helping me with Rina and Alice… poor Alice is already overly stressed by everything.
Emily is currently sedated by Alice, she went berserk yesterday… so it’s been an ongoing struggle. Lucy is useless… but that’s only because of her narcolepsy. Rin is currently being watched by Z as well, he seems to be really good with Xero and her… it’s helpful.

I’ve already gone off on two people for the stupidest things… I just… everything is so messed up right now.


Apologies… I’ve been extremely busy with doctors and such.

We finally saw Gail for the first time in almost 6 months, the moment she hugged us, we sobbed. It was one of the best relieved feelings I had, I sadly convinced myself she would abandon us, but everyone kept reassuring me she would never do that.
We didn’t get into to much, we mostly talked about how the last few months have been extremely difficult. The breakdowns, the medication struggle, etc.
I think it was just nice we all got to speak with her.

My health has been up and down sadly, somedays I feel great… but others I feel like I’m trying to carry a bolder. I know part of the issue is my depression, however my body physically feels like garbage as well.
I feel terrible… like I’m really a worthless wife. I can’t do dishes or laundry… or even clean when I feel like that. Instead I can only lay in the bedroom and try not to cry from the pain.
My husband asks me to do things, and I honestly try… I really do. However it isn’t always done, I struggle sometimes. Someday’s I think he understands… others I think he understands, but is still frustrated with me.
I feel like a worthless wife… and a terrible house keeper, even Xero is effected by how I’ve been feeling… so he’s been struggling to help as well. When the body is messed up, everyone feels its effects… not just me.

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep due to a sharp pain in my left side… no it wasn’t near my heart, it was either my stomach or another organ around there… no matter how I laid, it stung. Friday and Saturday night it felt like mini stakes where being driven into my lungs…. so even when I got up to help my mother on Saturday, she even knew I was exhausted.
I’ve been so tired, and in so much discomfort that I honestly can’t believe how long I’ve lived feeling like that… guess I’m one hell of a survivor.
I refuse to go to the hospital or anything, it’s to expensive, plus I’ve pretty sure they would think I’m faking it, or laugh at me… one or the other.
I got my letter to go get my next mammogram, I have to wait until I see my primary care doctor to really get that order.
I’ve debated heavily on seeing my PCP… but I don’t know if that would be smart. It’s hard to get in and see her… plus I’m pretty sure her assistant’s would laugh at me anyways.

It’s sad that people like us, with chronic pain, have to hide it from professionals… especially since they always think we’re either faking or trying to abuse drugs. My… what our healthcare system has dissolved into… I’m lucky enough to have a neurologist who can look at me, and know for a fact 10000000%, I can’t be faking what I’m feeling… he said he’s been a neurologist for a long time, so it’s easy to tell those who fake it, and those who genuinely feel like shit.
Plus if I can, I avoid addictive substances… the fact I agreed to Soma was because I didn’t really have any good alternatives for my muscle spasms… I don’t even take it as much as most would. If it’s a spasm I can withstand I will, there’s no point in wasting medication, because when it gets to the point I have the horrible dibilating ones… I want to feel assured I have the pills.

My lower back is on fire today… hopefully I can find some kind of reprieve soon… I’m just tired of feeling heavy, and feeling like I’m breaking apart.