Sacrament of the Wilderness

Last night was the first full night of sleep I’ve had in about a week and a half. Seems just knowing I’ll have insurance soon, and having my mortgage up to day is enough stress off myself that my brain finally chilled out. Everyone was happy, especially Xero, he’s been up with me every night trying to keep me company… poor guy, he was exhausted.
My depression is starting to come out of it’s stupidly long spike, my psychologist keeping contact with me was extremely helpful.
I decided to take a break from social media and just keep this going for a bit. I’m tried of reading about how Trump is this or that or doing whatever…. I’m also just tired of drama. I’m still waiting for my soul sister to tell me she’s okay with speaking to me again. It’s been hard without her.
I messaged her last night, but she hasn’t responded…. the last time I did was back in the second week of September. It’s hard not to just message her 24/7 like I use too. However I respect her wishes for space, I just gotta keep it up.

I ended up pulling something in my lower back, I’m not exactly sure how I did it… but it’s severally limited my ability to bend and turn certain ways. It’s also hard to find a good spot so I can fall asleep at night too, because the side I favor makes it hurt worse. So I’ve been trying to just start on my back, not only is it not painful, but it’s better for my spine. I finally finished all of the disability paperwork, I don’t think I’ve ever filled out so much paperwork in my life… but at least it’s done. My doctors are still filling it out, so hopefully once everything is in, I’ll find out rather quickly.
I’ve been practicing drawing people again, I am seriously out of practice… but it’s something I figure I would try again. I’ve been sewing again too, so I’m happy my hobbies are slowly starting to come back to a new time high. Everything within the last few months have been anything but pleasant, but I’m relieved everything is starting to workout.

Thankfully my psychologist has made special arrangements for me to keep doing my outpatient therapies as well, so it’s been extremely helpful since I haven’t been able to see her. Also Vera doing extensive research into cheaper medications while we had no insurance was a life saver, I honestly don’t know what I would of done without her stupid amount of research into it.
Today is not to bad so far, mostly I’m just trying not to make my back worse, and get over being sick… hurray for being prone to Staph Infections!
Not really… but you all get my point >.>

Overdose

Today was kind of terrible, Vera had to force me out of bed and into the shower. I guess I’m suffering a pretty nasty depression spike. She couldn’t get me up until 3PM, so she’s been pretty miffed at me.
Things are still… volatile, but it’s whatever. Emily just about tore my Husband a new one yesterday, so he’s been staying away until he thinks things calm down. Merlin has been working overtime, and I, like the idiot I am, thought it was a great idea to pull something in my lower back….

I’ve been trying really hard to find a job while my disability is still under determination, but it’s to no avail. They seem to not like the fact I have a service dog, so I’m turned down all the time. They always have there legal excuses… so it’s not like I can really call discrimination… but really? Allergies don’t count you morons!
I’m just getting tired of people who are not educated about service dogs and such… but I guess it’s a factor of life.
I’m still trying not to be upset about my Husband being mad for my alters being out. I’ve discussed it with him hundreds of times that they deserve there time out, they ask to come out, and they are pretty civil with him. So I can’t understand it… Emily just wants to kick his ass, which would amount to nothing. Alice is just trying to help me cope with it.
My psychologist tells me it’s sadly extremely common to have people not understand why they want to be out, and why it’s good I have a system that asks…. it could be one big free for all and I could be someone else every few seconds… but I rather not do that.
Hex has been trying to make me go out and socialize more, which I’m not comfortable with, it took having 2 breakdowns before he finally understood I just… I just really can’t be in giant groups of people.
Z has been hanging out with Xero mostly, they both have been helping me with Alice and Rina lately. Rin has been… annoying, but Una is staying on top of her to make sure she doesn’t try anything again. Lucy is just Lucy… she wanted to sleep all day today, but Vera stepped in pretty fast after that.
We had a rare sighting of Mimi today… she seems to be pretty good at dodging us. She seems more interested in seeing if we’re all okay then anything, but she’s still dangerous. She only surfaced for 10 seconds, but it wasn’t enough time for anyone else to snag her. I guess all she did was dig around in the dirty clothes…. better then her eating out of the trash again….

Don’t Tell Me To Calm Down

It’s been a while…

Recently I had a pretty bad blow out with my husband, he doesn’t like my alters when there out and keeps calling them by my name, which makes them angry…. we’ve tried so many time to explain it to him, to try and educate, so has my psychologist……. however it seems he can’t get it through his think skull.
I keep being told to calm down, to breathe, to not get so worked up over something so small

Small? It’s hard enough having alters, but you want me to just roll over and accept that people arn’t willing to at least try and understand? Screw that.
It’s not hard to look something up, Google is God for people, however all I really ever wanted is someone to just take that time… do that research, read that book I gave them, etc.
However the track record shows it will be a pretty grim outcome. My service animal Merlin worked his fuzzy butt off today, I feel kind of bad about it. We had to play family with dad today, and he brought up the past.
I told him 5 different times nicely, I really didn’t want to talk about it, however when he pushed the issue, I ended up triggering. Vera ripped him a new one before she drove home.

I broke down to someone very dear to me… I felt kind of terrible because I exposed a secret to him that I never meant too. Vera ended up taking control again…. I guess they spoke to each other for a while. Vera told me that he wasn’t angry with me, and understood what happened, it was kind of a breath of fresh air.
I spoke to him after too, he told me to not beat myself up over it, and it wasn’t my fault. It’s extremely hard for me to admit that, especially when you’re told you’re entire life you’re at fault for everything. I have maybe 3 people who I trust completely at all, the rest of the world can stay outside my maze, it’s safer that way.

I may finally have insurance… though it wont matter now, it’s almost November…. my psychologist and I are still talking via phone, so at least I still have that support. The medication prices are what are killing me. You look online, use GoodRX, etc… and some of them are just stupid expensive. I really REALLY hate medication, but I need it. I need it for the night terrors, I need it for the depression, I need it for the anxiety, I need it for my sciatica, I just…. I sadly need my medications. I’ve had everyone keep pushing me to try medical marijuana, however I know the moment I lose that control in my mind, all hell with break lose; I mean it messes with you’re brain… can you imagine if Emily ended up being triggered? It’d be a freaking nightmare…

Anywho… yeah.

One By One

My freeloading roommate is finally gone, so it’s a bit of fresh air now. My husband and I seem to have much more room now that she’s gone as well.
Turns out Cigna won’t do open enrollment until November…. So I’m stuck. It’s been extremely stressful getting my medications and at this time I’m ill with some kind of upper respiratory thing that I, sadly, cannot see a doctor about. So lots of bed rest, and cough drops.

Before my roommate was sent back to her home via plane, she tried to tell her family my DID was just like Split.
Here’s the thing, I get some people like the movie, and I get that others hated it. However for me, Everything about DID in it, is wrong. You don’t  switch so noticeably that people know, if you where harmful to yourself or others, you would be getting help or locked up sadly, not kidnapping people.
Honestly I could go on and on, but the point was Z lost it, he got up into her face, started yelling how she must be an idiot, etc. My husband had to come home and lock him in the bedroom… She kept thinking I needed to apologize, but I honestly didn’t remember…. Z went rogue.
I tried to say I was sorry he acted that way, but she said it didn’t mean anything. ugh, all I can say is I’m just happy she is gone.

A friend of mine said he will be coming over to start helping every week, helping around the house, giving me money to help catch up on bills, get groceries, etc. He feels guilty because he was the reason we let her stay. However honestly like I said to him, none of us knew she was going to use him, and freeload off us. Sadly we can’t predict that kind of thing until it happens. He keeps beating himself up, but we do what we can to make him feel less at fault.
All of us enjoy his friendship, including Emily. It’s funny, but I’m considered the Mom of my small little friend group, my husband the Dad. Una laughs at me about it, says now I get to see what she goes through jokingly.
Despite the annoyance of basic insurence that doesn’t cover my doctors or any of my medications…. and the stress of trying to get Social Security Disability until I can gain the coping skills to function within a normal job instead of breaking down or being triggered by a sound, smell, or even touch of something….
We’re surviving.

We found a LARP community through an old friend that is honestly fun, and we’re all getting into it. Emily wants to do one even, it’s quite amusing. I hope I keep having fun, Vera and I seem to be tag teaming the Sabbat game we joined, so I have high hopes.
Luckly, it’s once a month, and I should be all better when it comes around haha

Shimmer

I feel sometimes I’m to toxic for people, with alters and on top of that my trust issues run so deep it’s hard to let sleeping dogs lie. I realized this with my dear friend, I said I was having a hard time believing she would indeed return, and she said I flounced her trust into her face and made her feel like our friendship was nothing.

I told her that she didn’t need to say anything else, and that it was apparent I was the toxic one. And I told her goodbye. I love her with all my heart and soul, and I just… lost it.

She called me, and we yelled, cried and talked it out. I felt like a terrible person for what I put her through. But she and I both discussed why I freaked out how I did, and she explained to me in better detail why she had to step back. It was a great weight lifted from me, she told me if I needed her, she is still here for me and will talk to me. The anxiety that swarmed around me finally dissipated, and I felt so relieved I wouldn’t be losing my best friend, my soul sister.

Today I can finally get health insurance that covers my doctors and medication. My special enrollment one didn’t even cover my doctors let alone half my medications (the ones I REALLY need mind you). Thanks to some digging I was able to get my medication manufacturers discount cards. So I was able to just pay a copay and whatever amount the discount card said, for example Relplax is 435$ for 30 pills… with the card I pay 4$. So hopefully I can just get everything back on track, I am going to try and apply for SS Disability, my psychologist agrees I may not be able to hold a real job here, mostly due to the strict standards of a red state. Even if my Service Dog is for Medical Alert, I have been denied job offers because of it. Here people seem to think because I have him, I’m getting off easy or whatever… have about 3 people a month get in my face and say how dare I abuse the system. I guess it doesn’t help that our president thinks people like me should be locked up forever… o well.

A Lady’s Due

Our new therapy is going well, we still see Gail along with the outpatient therapy. However as of late, listening to all these people, how high medication levels have done wonders for them, it makes me feel out of place.
I can’t increase any of my medications, nor can I get on medications that are more potent or have higher doses… it would destroy any type of control I have. It’s like Marijuana for me, I’ve tried Indica’s and Salvias (sorry if misspelled), any once of control I lose, suddenly everything becomes a shit show.
Last time I lost my grip, Emily gave us a boxer fracture for punching her hand through a wall, Rina almost successfully killed herself, Xero began to scrub his hands so bad, it made them bleeding and raw….
Control is key, not just for me, but for all of us. They asked about increasing my medications, but I told them if they knew anything about DID like they said they did, they should know why I can’t do that.

The last few suicide attempts I’ve had, have been alter induced. Gail tells me it means that it’s not me who wants to die, but the alter. Rin was responsible for the last one, Rina was the previous ones. It’s hard living with 2 suicidal personalities, especially when one doesn’t act like it, and tends to have bulimic and anorexic issues.
Today I am meeting an old friend I haven’t seen since middle school, I was shocked when she said she didn’t hate me, I was pretty sure everyone did in middle school.
I think it will be a nice change for me, I hardly ever go out and mingle, she is aware of my psychiatric issues since she was part of the ‘Years of Hell’ as we all call them.
We’re all excited, Emily even is, after all she was one of few in the past she liked.

I was suppose to go meet with a school administrator at the college, however my sciatica decided it was not my day. It’s hard to explain that to someone, ‘hey sorry I can’t stand up, so I can’t come’…. most freak out and ask if I need to go to the hospital, but if I did they’d laugh at me. There’s nothing they can do, my Neurologist said once my insurance is back, they have another EMG to do. Apparently it is something to do with my nerves. but they want to refine it now, towards where the disruptions are.
It’s hard, even with my special enrollment insurance, it still doesn’t cover any of my doctors, and only one of my medications; Birth Control.
It doesn’t cover my neuro medications, normal medications, or my psych medications…. it’s kind of upsetting. So I’m trying to find cheaper places for my medications, while I wait for this friday.
Open Enrollment starts finally, and as soon as I’m signed up, it begins. So I will be so happy once all this is over.

 

Evermore

Sometimes things just tend to fail at going right, and when everything crumbles you are left to wonder why. My mortgage company are idiots, they told me they pulled the 500 out of my account, turns out they didn’t.
Come to find this out because they call my father, who is NOT a authorized user on the mortgage.

Next I start to run out of medication I was sure I had enough of in the beginning of August, guess how wrong I was? The medication keeping my night terrors at bay is gone, thus releasing a plague upon my own brain.
Emily has been up every night for hours, trying to let me stay calm… however it takes a toll on my body. Everything hurts, have been having some fits in my legs, no falling just tingling like crazy.

My roommate has been nothing but a burden to me, she had a chance to find a job and help since the end of March… but not once did she find one. She expects me to do her laundry like I’m her mother, and when I cook meals my Husband and I only get less then half since she eats like a pig.
Last night I got none of the dinner I ate because she took so much, that I just would rather my husband had a meal then me. She has told a friend of mine she expects my husband and I to bend and let her stay…

Sometimes, when everything comes to a head and you’re falling down that rabbit hole, you have a moment of weakness. I tried to kill myself, however control was revoked extremely fast, the cuts are not even deep, they look like cat scratches or a cat lunged off me. I understand the significance of what happened, and how it was a horrible moment of weakness. I went and spoke to Gail with my husband, and Gail agreed with my husband that inpatient was not the best option.
Due to where I live, no matter where I go, they don’t believe me when I tell them I have DID. They try and change my medications, and say I’m schizophrenic or bi-polar, they try and keep me there like I’m some lab rat… they do all of this without consulting my husband, who is my POA.
Due to this, my alters and I know how to play the system, we do everything we can to get out before they do more damage to us.
I got the phone call today we are going to try outpatient therapy for dissociation. It isn’t DBT or CBT, I guess its a different type. I’m willing to try it, my husband has agreed he will attend with me, as loved ones are encouraged to be apparent of the therapy.

I had someone I trusted tell me I was very sick, and needed help. I became hurt by this comment, I felt as though she didn’t understand like I knew she did. However I’m starting to wonder if I’m just having an overreaction to it. I understand what happened was not good, and it was not the first time this year it’s happened… however hospitals don’t help me, they can’t change my medications around without severely messing with my system it took me over a year to get on the cocktail I’m on now, and for it to work without causing side effects with my alters.
The last time I was put on medications without someone carefully doing so, I began to have psychotic breaks and hallucinations, so bad to the point my family was afraid of me… my own family.

I just feel like I’m lost within this extremely long tunnel, and all I want to do is find the door, and get back onto my path to recovery. 5 steps forward and 10 steps back suck, but I’m surviving… that’s all that matters.