Very Long, But Needed Update

I have been slacking extremely bad as of late. Sadly there has been so much going on, we are just trying to survive at this point.

I was fired from my job, there first excuse was I was a ‘liability’ because of my back issues (though they hired me, knowing full well WHAT my back issues were…), then when the day of firing came, they made sure to cover there asses.
They said they needed a person who would be on cashier full time, and due to my back issues I would be unable to perform the job tasks….
-sigh- back to square one.

Around this time, I lost my health insurance as well… and due to the fact that the special enrollment doesn’t have anything available that my doctors will take, I am stuck until September open enrollment to get new insurance. Most would probably just say, “well you can find new doctors”, the truth? I can’t.
Finding a psychologist who specializes in DID and disassociation in my state is EXTREMELY rare… the fact I found her is a miracle… then adding on a psychiatrist, neurologist, and a primary care that know and have experience with DID? I found the motherland of miracles, so no… I can’t just ‘find new doctors’.
With all the testing and medications I take, switching and having to go through getting my records moved over, and dealing with the whole ‘Well… you show classic signs of bipolar and schizophrenia… are you sure you have DID?’…. I think Emily would destroy another office -_-

Due to all this happening, I struggled with suicidal feelings, I had a hard time getting out of bed, dressing, I even started to have issues of bulimia like in high school. It started to spiral pretty bad. Luckily my psychologist told me to still call her, so speaking with her has helped. My husband was having a hard time understanding me, so I finally just….. stopped holding back all my emotions.
I told him everything, even things I’ve been having since way back in Idaho. I told him how I felt like I was a waste of space, and how he deserves a wife who can be healthy so she can keep a job. How he deserves someone who is more attentive to him, who does the house work every day, who keeps it up. How I feel like his friends are right, and I am terrible for him, and I will one day ruin him.
How I’ve never felt like I was attractive, and that he would love the skinny me again instead of what these medications have done to me. How I feel like if I was to disappear, people would be able to go on with there lives without having to worry about me, my family can finally be at peace and not need to worry about me. How I wish I could just… be healthy, and not be so sick.
He didn’t even know how to respond let alone express anything on his face. For the first time in my life, I think he really didn’t know how long, and how hard I’ve been fighting the negativity of not only others, but negativity from myself as well. I cried for so long, I honestly have no idea for exactly how long, however my husband just let me, he held me and just…. let me sob. He was very calm, he used a very soothing voice I honestly haven’t heard in a long time, and explained to me how my negative thoughts where wrong, because this was how he really felt. It was wonderful, and it was the first really serious talk we’ve had about my inner most dark thoughts.

I’ve somewhat stablized, they have helped BIG time…. my husband has even recognized how much of a help they all were. I think it was the first time he understood exactly how complicating my system is, but also how efficient it can be when it has to be.
They’ve been getting braver about coming out, I’m kind of happy about that, I just want my siblings and husband to get along… not hate each other.
Emily and Rin seem to be the only ones doing it at this time, I know Alice and Rina will, they love hanging out with there ‘big brother’… can’t tell you how many times that still sends chills, heh.
I’m hoping the others will, I’m pretty sure Una and Vera will still just sit back, they tend to do that…. but it would be nice to see everyone getting along ^_^

Anywho… hurrah for a very long, but needed post. I will be posting more again soon ❤

Hit and Run

So far, the new job is everything we could want. Sadly, we just need to get use to moving around and such again.

I recently was talking to a few people about there experiences in psychology classes, each person seemed to have a similar story, but this is the general thing I guess:
When getting into the part of dissociation, every teacher with a PhD seems to say Dissociative Identity Disorder is in the DSM, but it’s a myth.
How… how did they get there degrees?

I’ve talked to Gail about it, she laughed pretty hard. She said to me some people don’t believe in what they haven’t experienced. However it’s really hard for me to swallow….. how can you get your PhD and claim things don’t exist when there are documented proof of DID?
The study at Oxford when they woman who was blind switched in a functional MRI, and suddenly could see….
The study done at Yale and Harvard where there volunteers switched and they saw the physical change within the brain…

How is there no proof? Another friend of mine said in her forensic psychology class, her teacher said DID was an excuse to not take accountability. We never chose to have DID, nor did the person who is on trial. But sometimes yes, we have alters that can’t be out without causing damage or problems…. I was fortunate enough to learn how to use lock up.
I just can’t understand people who study the brain for a living…. they seem more idiotic then other doctors.

Update… Again

It’s been a while, and I’m sorry for that. Things where extremely hard for a while, but now everything is lined up a bit better.
We were admitted into the hospital for a while, we where having dissociation episodes where I would be in random places with no memories of getting there. It was extremely scary, and I was starting down the suicidal path again.

While within the hospital, we learned we have a new alter who surfaced, and also that there are others deep within my mind that are… ‘asleep’ as he put it. When we got out, Gail explained that it was common to have dormant alters, because we no longer needed there help. However if the time where to come, they will reawaken and help us when we need them.
Our newest addition is Hex, he is extremely charismatic and very much an extrovert. He’s playful and adventurous, so I think he is more of a side I wish I was. I’m not entirely sure.

We finally have obtained employment, and have ridden ourselves of the place who did more harm then good. So hopefully everything will work out well for us in the end…

Sorry this is sort, just tired today, had a very bad migraine last night.

In Circles

Apologies, it’s been a while.

To pick up from where my last post was, that day my husband came home and said that this person called him at work. He told me how unreasonable I was being, and how I was in the wrong. I let him read everything between me and the person, however all I got was ‘I guess I kind of see where you’re coming from, but you’re over reacting.’
That phrase just made me sting in pain, I told him I was sorry I couldn’t understand his point of view, but he just decided to not speak to me anymore.
I called my best friend, she helped me remain calm enough to figure out my plan for the night. I went and stayed with my mother, there dog seems to hate everyone, I also got to skype with my best friend.
I wasn’t able to sleep, at all. The next morning at 5AM I left and went home, husband was already gone, but I tried everything I could to remain busy…. then suddenly the wire just broke.
I attempted to kill myself, though the first blade I used was horrible, I went to get a better one and low and behold my husband suddenly walks in. I don’t remember much, he told me I tried to take the car keys, I wanted to try and OD but he took my meds, I tried to electrocute myself, and even tried not taking my meds… but he said if he had to take me to the hospital to IV feed them to me I he would.
He never once called my psychologist, or even tried to get me help. He just watched me like a hawk. The next day he sat down and talked to me about it, he apologized for acting the way he did, I still wasn’t in a great place.
I didn’t really get better until a few days ago, well completely feeling better anyways. Xero’s depression levels have stabilized after that, he’s back to his normal self. Vera says Xero was probably the one behind the suicidal feelings, but then again I can’t really blame him…. the whole situation hits hard. Alice and Una have fixed Rok’s prison, he seems to be resting peacefully again.

This last week and a half have been extremely hard on me. I have tried many times to tell myself it’s alright…. but honestly? It’s really not. I wish I could make others understand, instead of this all being if-you-have-it-you-understand sort of deal. It’s frustrating and aggravating, and sometimes I wish I could just live in my dark hole until the apocalypse… but sadly it doesn’t work like that.

Ying and Yang

The last week has been… tough. Putting Khala in lock up has taken a toll on me and the others, Vera is doing a wonderful job, but she knows it’s not her line of expertise. We went and saw the neurologist, our back pain has now descended into our legs, a deep aching kind of pain.
We’ve been placed on a neuro painkiller, and therapeutic doses of naperson. We’re still fighting with cigna, still fighting with Banner, still trying to just… function.
My husband and I talked in depth about what happened over the weekend, he apologized and said he would be more verbal about when he needs time or space. I also apologized for poking him with a stick basically.

Today we saw Gail, it went extremely well for the most part. I explained my frustration with my situation still, and how all of us are effected by this. We spoke about how the more medical problems we seem to have, the more we can’t help but wonder what else could there be.
But of course we just are agitated with everything and don’t want more things.
I was a hard, yet relieving session, Merlin even seemed to notice it was a much needed vent. She called and spoke with the psychiatrist whose receptionist told me I can’t bring my Service Dog due to people having allergies. He told her he will have a talk with her, and I was welcomed to go back and see him.
It made me feel a little better to know I have Gail backing me.

I recently read the new replacement bill for obamacare. They are making coverage for mental health ‘optional’ for insurance companies. It would effect me poorly, as 3 of my 4 doctors are covered under mental health, and 98% of my medication is through those doctors. Without my specialists, I won’t be able to function… I need them. It’s breaks my heart sadly that people think Mental Health isn’t important like ‘Medical Health’… We sometimes wonder if they ever stop to think that Mental and Medical could be the same thing…
Just because I don’t have a medical issue that doesn’t effect my daily life doesn’t mean my PTSD and DID doesn’t. I honestly am terrified of what will happen these next 4 years, and I am dreading this replacement, due to the negative effects it will have on not only us, but the rest of the mental health community. We are people too, just because it’s under a different name doesn’t mean we don’t deserve the same respect as someone with diabetes or something else.

Black Splatters

The last few days have been odd. First, we all had come to the decision to put Khala into Lock Up… it wasn’t easy, but she said the moment she gets the chance, she will kill herself and take us all with her.
Due to the threat, we had to lock her up, we didn’t have a choice.

Then two days later someone Khala duped wanted to just talk to me, he said he noticed something was off, but he made the choice to ignore it. So it was his fault for believing her, and that he wanted to still be friends.
A bit of background on him, I have known him for 4 or 5 years via gaming. He knows I have DID, and has met a few others besides Khala. I told him I will talk to my husband, but that turned into a giant ball of mess.
He doesn’t seem to want to trust that ‘lock up’ will work. Its stressful, and hard to explain. I attempted to have Gail explain it to him, but that only seemed to make it worse. He said it wasn’t emergent, but the stress of it was what was chasing issues, and sadly I ended up switching to Alice for a few hours.

Then due to Khala destroying my husbands bank account, and him disputing the charges, my email account is gone. I had to make a new one… I have been telling people who don’t know I was hacked. It seems easier then explaining the real situation.
So I had to change my e-mail on everything, and go down to the attorney generals office and give them my new e-mail address.
When we got home, I told my husband about my neurologist appointment and I needed money for the co-pay, I didn’t hear him the first time so I asked what he said and he yelled at me ‘I will think of something’ I told him he didn’t have to yell, but I guess he said it for the third time…
He then started tapping his keys hard, I told him I was sorry if I upset him and not to do that, he said he wasn’t, then he slammed a bunch of his keys. I said he didn’t need to do that, and he said ‘You’re accusing me, so I might as well do something to deserve it.’

I went and cried in the bathroom before Alice numbed me out. Everything is getting harder for me since Khala’s lock up. Everyone has to get use to her not being around, including me. Due to the sudden rip, I am having a hard time with stress, and sadly, understanding things. I feel like I am being belittled by my husband, I know it isn’t like that, but that’s how it feels. I feel extremely small in this house, like if I stay in it I am going to suffocate.
I feel incomplete and it sucks really bad.

Slivers

I’ve been adding more and more to my ‘Life Playlist’ as of late, I keep finding songs. Someday I will have to post it for you all, but I need to finish what they represent.

Speaking with Gail yesterday helped me a bit with the Khala issue. Vera knows everyone’s jobs, so she has no issue taking over for a bit while we discuss Khala’s sentence. She will be extremely upset when she realizes she can’t come out after a week is up… if it takes months, it will. My husband and I talked over what he said to me, he agreed he shouldn’t of worded it the way he did, and next time he will not make the same mistake.

I had someone from my past come back recently, it was… terrifying. He was invited over by another person while I was hanging out with his 3 roommates. Merlin immediately got in between me and him before he started trying to make small talk.
He then said something that triggered me in a way I haven’t had in a very, very long time.
‘O hey do you still claim you have other parts? I mean, that was total bullshit right?’

I lunged at him, Merlin managed to bark right before I hit him. My 3 friends came to my defense, explaining he needed to leave due to his dickness. My closest friend walked out with him, and then proceeded to scream at him outside.
Telling him how dare he think I was lying, and if he still thinks that he was never a real friend to me. My friend knew long before I told him… he said it didn’t shock him when I was diagnosed with DID.
He then started to say things like what if he thought he was lying about his autism, and even before the guy could defend it, my friend said I had a real medical diagnosis of DID, just like his diagnosis of high functioning autism, and to believe otherwise is to discriminate against him, me, and everyone else who are like us.

I couldn’t really hear the rest, since Emily and I where having spats. However thankfully, Merlin was there to quell the flames of Emily. When my friend came back in, he dropped to his knees and hugged me gently, and cried with me.
Sometimes I forget there are those slivers of support around me. People who understand what I am dealing with, and even have done some research to better understand how much I go through.

I am so thankful for that.