Hit and Run

So far, the new job is everything we could want. Sadly, we just need to get use to moving around and such again.

I recently was talking to a few people about there experiences in psychology classes, each person seemed to have a similar story, but this is the general thing I guess:
When getting into the part of dissociation, every teacher with a PhD seems to say Dissociative Identity Disorder is in the DSM, but it’s a myth.
How… how did they get there degrees?

I’ve talked to Gail about it, she laughed pretty hard. She said to me some people don’t believe in what they haven’t experienced. However it’s really hard for me to swallow….. how can you get your PhD and claim things don’t exist when there are documented proof of DID?
The study at Oxford when they woman who was blind switched in a functional MRI, and suddenly could see….
The study done at Yale and Harvard where there volunteers switched and they saw the physical change within the brain…

How is there no proof? Another friend of mine said in her forensic psychology class, her teacher said DID was an excuse to not take accountability. We never chose to have DID, nor did the person who is on trial. But sometimes yes, we have alters that can’t be out without causing damage or problems…. I was fortunate enough to learn how to use lock up.
I just can’t understand people who study the brain for a living…. they seem more idiotic then other doctors.

Brief

This will be brief, apologies for the super, SUPER over due post.
We finally got a job (hurrah!) and are excited to finally leave the house, we are also excited to finally be able to pay bills.
We have been practicing what to do and what not to do at work… so hopefully everything will go well. Hex has fit in well, he has started to mingle more with the others and is feeling more welcomed now.
We are starting to hit the end of our Consciousness stage, Gail explained will soon be starting on the path of co-existence, and taking that one more step towards our end goal.

Again, I am sorry it’s brief.

Update… Again

It’s been a while, and I’m sorry for that. Things where extremely hard for a while, but now everything is lined up a bit better.
We were admitted into the hospital for a while, we where having dissociation episodes where I would be in random places with no memories of getting there. It was extremely scary, and I was starting down the suicidal path again.

While within the hospital, we learned we have a new alter who surfaced, and also that there are others deep within my mind that are… ‘asleep’ as he put it. When we got out, Gail explained that it was common to have dormant alters, because we no longer needed there help. However if the time where to come, they will reawaken and help us when we need them.
Our newest addition is Hex, he is extremely charismatic and very much an extrovert. He’s playful and adventurous, so I think he is more of a side I wish I was. I’m not entirely sure.

We finally have obtained employment, and have ridden ourselves of the place who did more harm then good. So hopefully everything will work out well for us in the end…

Sorry this is sort, just tired today, had a very bad migraine last night.

Blank Canvas (Una Post)

Lately, we have found drawing and painting to be extremely therapeutic, even if it is drawing ourselves, it is still wonderful. I wonder if any other systems do this, much like our life playlist, it seems to help us understand each other on a better level.
We saw Gail on Thursday, she is beginning work with Alex and the others on how to handle stress better, honestly it is about time she helped Alex with something useful.

I understand Alex and the others have problems, do not assume I do not. I am the one who takes care of them after all…. and Vera. However, sometimes I feel this psychologist isn’t helping Alex learn Co-existence. The faster Alex and the others learn this, the sooner we can retrieve our other siblings from Lock Up.
Alex is wishing for us all to be a family, I wish to make that a reality for her. I understand how painful it was for her to have to lock up Rok, Gor, Ray, and then Khala. I also understand why we had to do it, but it wounds not only her, but I as well.

I wish for Alex to smile and feel happiness. So I am hoping this psychologist will soon start work with her and the others, including I. I will admit, I do not hold the greatest of track records, including with Khala. If I was more supportive of her, maybe she would still be able to move freely… however there is no need to doable in that.
We have resumed our electronic journalism, after Khala was put within Lock Up it has been very hard, however Vera and I both urged Alex and the others. It was a healthy way for us to communicate, and it still is. Alice seems to be in need of a new stuffed animal or blanket since hers is a death trap, and Vera requested Alex get lotion for her split open elbows.
I hope with time, we all can move past Khala, and resume our normality.

In Circles

Apologies, it’s been a while.

To pick up from where my last post was, that day my husband came home and said that this person called him at work. He told me how unreasonable I was being, and how I was in the wrong. I let him read everything between me and the person, however all I got was ‘I guess I kind of see where you’re coming from, but you’re over reacting.’
That phrase just made me sting in pain, I told him I was sorry I couldn’t understand his point of view, but he just decided to not speak to me anymore.
I called my best friend, she helped me remain calm enough to figure out my plan for the night. I went and stayed with my mother, there dog seems to hate everyone, I also got to skype with my best friend.
I wasn’t able to sleep, at all. The next morning at 5AM I left and went home, husband was already gone, but I tried everything I could to remain busy…. then suddenly the wire just broke.
I attempted to kill myself, though the first blade I used was horrible, I went to get a better one and low and behold my husband suddenly walks in. I don’t remember much, he told me I tried to take the car keys, I wanted to try and OD but he took my meds, I tried to electrocute myself, and even tried not taking my meds… but he said if he had to take me to the hospital to IV feed them to me I he would.
He never once called my psychologist, or even tried to get me help. He just watched me like a hawk. The next day he sat down and talked to me about it, he apologized for acting the way he did, I still wasn’t in a great place.
I didn’t really get better until a few days ago, well completely feeling better anyways. Xero’s depression levels have stabilized after that, he’s back to his normal self. Vera says Xero was probably the one behind the suicidal feelings, but then again I can’t really blame him…. the whole situation hits hard. Alice and Una have fixed Rok’s prison, he seems to be resting peacefully again.

This last week and a half have been extremely hard on me. I have tried many times to tell myself it’s alright…. but honestly? It’s really not. I wish I could make others understand, instead of this all being if-you-have-it-you-understand sort of deal. It’s frustrating and aggravating, and sometimes I wish I could just live in my dark hole until the apocalypse… but sadly it doesn’t work like that.

Cracks

There are things that people say, and don’t realize the damage those words can cause. I understand everyone has problems, trust me, but using words as weapons do extremely bad damage. I was stuck in another state with a girl who did this to me daily, to the point Una forced a switch and made her sob.
She still tried, but the look Una gave her managed to keep her far from me, but instead she sent her minions to verbally attack… and it ended badly. They won’t speak to me, acknowledge my existence, and have basically shunned my husband over it. However that’s alright, they don’t try and reach out to him, so why does he have to try?

This past week, I had a similar situation, however it was with someone I loved and trusted. I can take a few things, honestly I can take quite a bit of beatings, and word stabbings now. However being told you are acting like someone who abused them mentally, verbally, and physically and also calls you lazy indirectly?
That was a weapon I didn’t even see coming, and ended up hurting me to the point I collapsed.
They don’t understand what they said to me, I told them to go and live with someone else, and they just think I am overreacting… let me explain why I think it’s the safest bet here…

They wounded me to the point deep within me, Rok’s prison cracked. Due to this, he’s slowly, trying to force his way out, causing the crack to lengthen. They have woken something that fractured my mothers knee, that did such harm to my brother, and almost broke my husbands legs….
He is dangerous, and needs to remain in that prison.
It will take time to repair the damage, the others are already trying too, but if they keep coming around, that crack will spread, then when it shatters…. god help whoever is in the house with me. Rok is pure, to the fullest extent, rage. He will rage until he physically can’t anymore… he will harm anyone or anything in his way. I don’t need him fucking up my service animal, my pets, or my husband…

The effect words can have is utterly bone chilling, most don’t even realize this when they say things. I am also guilty of this, I have said some pretty messed up things to people. However I have never once compared someone to my Father, the people who abused me in school, my Mother, or anything or the sort. I have never once called someone lazy due to there chronic illnesses and pain… or even indirectly said it to someone.
The damage that could cause is astronomical, so no one should even think of doing that to someone who also shares the same issues…. they are like the rest of the disabled community, which is why I think it felt worse then a stab wound, which I have had…