Let It Fall

We recently had a pretty amazing thunder storm, we stayed up from 12AM until almost 6AM just listening, and watching. It would pour, then let up, then pour some more… it was extremely tranquil.
However the aftermath of something so beautiful is the part the body begins to ache like crazy. Irritated nerve, messed up shoulder, etc…. it all deeply aches and acts up.

We had to go play family with our father today. It wasn’t as bad as we expected, we went out to lunch, public place. So we felt more comfortable then being alone with him. Emily still can’t be around when we go see father, so she hides in her room to avoid her doing something… well violent.
We recently tried joining a few support groups for DID, it’s hard to read through some of the posts and such because there systems are so dynamically different then ours, it almost feels like were the oddballs. However we have known longer about everything then most in these groups… so maybe it’s a mix of having more years to process and having a better flushed out system?
I have no clue honestly, I’m just speculating like a moron.

My service dog and I went off to a small outlet store to get new bed sheets, one of the cats decided to take commando kitty to a whole new level and ate a hole in the fitted sheet. While we were there, I noticed a lady stalking us. My dog must of known it made me uneasy, because he made sure to find a place where I couldn’t be snuck up on, and he watched the only entry way into the isle. I was looking at the bed sheets and managed to find some. She seemed to vanish, so we walked to the kitchen isle and got some cake pans (I needed real ones to try and make cheesecake). With everything, we walked up to the front. We then where ambushed by the lady…
She asked me why someone so young needed a service dog, how I didn’t look disabled, and how she called the police already, etc etc… I started to have a panic attack and my switch was so quick, the store manager told me later I dropped to the floor sobbing, saying that I would be a good girl, and not to hurt me again.
The lady was floored by this, my service dog did what he was trained to do for Rina, which is to curl around her, nudging her face to help her come to and realize the flashbacks where just flashbacks, and no one was going to hurt her.
When the police arrived they arrested the lady for interfering with a service animal, and public harassment. I guess the store wanted to press charges… Rina didn’t even understand them. I was gone for about an hour and a half, the manager was pretty good about it, she thought is was all part of my PTSD… probably better that way.

I really don’t understand… I have letters from both my psychologist, psychiatrist and scripts+letters from my Neurologist and PCP. I did Good K-9 Citizenship and Public Access testing and passed… I have the documentation for it. He has the vest, I have a MyID bracelet now with everything. I even carry a medication list and a ‘In Case Of Emergency’ paper in my wallet…. I did everything I legally am suppose to do. I have the dignosis’s… I got 4 doctor approvals for him…. and everyone just acts like every service dog is fake now…. we know why, people have began to abuse the system more and more. However assuming is what causes flares, panic attacks, switching, medical issues, etc….
Just let the dog do his damn job -_-

Anyways…

Duality

Apologies, the last few days or weeks have been… annoying to be honest.
Without insurance, it’s hard to get the migraine medication that helps us survive… so we were pretty messed up for the last 3 days.

Today we finally caved after urging from the husband to send an update message to our neurologist. The spasms are getting longer, more painful. The deep aching is much more painful, causing me to collapse from pain verses just loosing feeling. It’s been really hard on the others, Vera and Una wish they knew what to do… I have the whole crew hovering around trying to make me feel better, it’s kind of funny.
We had two fainting spells, one in October and another one yesterday. I think it’s nothing, but Vera and Alice both wanted me to mention it to my Neurologist since it could be something…
My dyslexia is getting worse, I’m starting to have a harder time spelling words I have always been able too spell (thankfully with spellcheck, it’s easy to hide online). It’s extremely frustrating, so I figured mentioning it wouldn’t hurt either…

Sometimes I can’t help but press my eyes into my skull… the small throbbing is really starting to get on my nerves… and everyone knows it. Emily was the calm one for once a few days ago… I was sobbing, hitting my head on the wall because I had become so frustrated with being in pain I just snapped. She forced control and made me stop… it’s the first time I had ever seen her so calm… it was kind of shocking.
Alice and Rina are still having issues, Alice doesn’t like the migraines, it effects her work with memories and such, so she tends to get extremely upset. Rina had been hiding in her room, I think she’s to afraid to be around right now…
Xero had a meltdown and cleaned my husbands computer out, including his desk, drawers, etc…
Luckily my husband understood… or else it would of been a screaming match over it. Z has been keeping Xero occupied since then, so hopefully he can just… stay there for a while. Lucy is still sleeping through everything… makes me dread when she wakes up.
Rin is being watched… she was being bad I guess…
She let her bulimia take over… my Husband said he was able to get her to stop but… Rin is on room arrest right now.
Everything is just… messed up.

Today we all went with the Husband and 2 friends to see a movie, the new Star Wars one. It wasn’t bad, we all enjoyed it. I started to have extremely bad spasms down my right leg, so once the movie was over, I looked like an old woman as I hobbled out to a seat where a water fountain was. Even though I took my muscle relaxant… it didn’t help much.
My husband keeps getting called into work, Yesterday was the first full day off he had in over a week… it’s frustrating for me, I am home alone, trying to do house work without hurting myself; and I hardly ever get to see him. I guess I just get agitated about it, and I already feel useless for not being able to hold a job like I so desperately wish I could… however I guess one girl and her 9 brain siblings have a rather hard time with it -_-

I’m struggling with cutting again, I get those deep, deep urges that are almost impossible to resist… I’ve gotten to the point of taking cold showers to snap me back… it’s hard. I touch my scars, and remember exactly why it is there, what I did it for, and how… I just remember everything, and I hate every ounce of it.
That seething hatred, sorrow, pain, agony… all those dark emotions that where embedded into my body makes me ashamed… it makes me hate myself even more. I hate my body, I hate how the scars are visible everywhere. I can’t hide them all, and the ones people can see, know what they are, and judge me based on it…
Its hard… and painful. Drawing and painting my feelings have helped, but cutting became my drug… became my alcohol… I may have never done anything addictive, but cutting to me… it is addictive, and fighting it is hard, however not completely impossible.

anyways… my thoughts are just everywhere right now…
Sorry about that… kinda turned into a weird rant thing… haha.

Swallow

Sorry, mostly this is going to be a rant…

So last Thursday I called and left a message for my psychiatrist, explaining I will need re-fills on my anti-depressant/anxiety and my med that helps me NOT have night terrors. Friday I called again trying to make sure they filled it, but I never heard back…
This past weekend was hell.

My anxiety and depression where all over the place, and I barely slept more then 2 hours each night due to the night terrors. My husband called off work to stay with me due to this… I was hiding in the corner apparently. I assume it was Rina.
Basically for 5 days I was dissociated to the point I honestly can’t remember any of it if at all. Monday I received a phone call from the psychiatrist’s office finally, however instead of the doctor, it was his secretary.
Now… this is the same lady who tried to tell me I wasn’t allowed to have my service dog within the office due to allergies…. and later got yelled at BY my doctor because my psychologist called and yelled at him…. She doesn’t like me very much.
Anyways, she tells me they have my med requests, but the doctor won’t fill them because I was due for an appointment. I explained I already talked with him about everything, and he is aware I don’t have insurance coverage until January.
She sighed and said if I can’t come in, I won’t be getting my medications and would be dismissed from the practice, I asked to speak with my doctor, she refused.

I called Gail sobbing. I was right at the tipping point of all hell breaking lose on top of the lack of sleep. Gail managed to talk me down, and said she would call and see what she says. It took about an hourish, but she called back and explained that they wouldn’t let her talk to him, but she said that she would call the direct line then. Apparently that freaked out the secretary I assume.
My doctor had no idea I had requests for medications, and was rather shocked with the fact I was being denied a right to speak with my doctor about medications. Same day I got my medications, I already set an appointment for the first week in January…

I really hate people….
Anyways, done with ,my rant.

Rx: Medicate

Recently I got into a fight with some internet idiots… they tried to say I needed to medicate better, then maybe I wouldn’t be struggling with my DID as much as I am.
Seriously?
Do you understand the depth of that statement? sigh… another rant incoming…

Dissociative Identity Disorder is a mental illness that has physically changed the way your neurons and other parts of your brain work, to the point of effecting the chemical input and outputs like most other mental illnesses… however, there compartmentalized, so what works for you may not work for an alter BECAUSE that persona is literally cut off from your side of the brain.
So basically it’s like an irrigation system, there are walls that block the incoming streams from going to certain areas and others that help guide it, etc.
When you flood your brain with anti depressants, it only will work for the parts of the brain that ALLOW it. For example, I am the only one who is effected by my anti-depressant; where as Xero is unaffected no matter how much you pump into me.
We had a similar issue when we were mistaken for having bi-polar and schizophrenia, the anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers where not only making me robotic, but it was agitating my alters to the point they and I where having control issues. I was switching so often and so much within a day that I can’t even remember 8 years…. 8 years of my life.
Emily tried to kill my husband on 5 separate occasions thinking he was one of our abusers. It was a giant mess of chaos and mayhem that honestly I have to listen to people tell me what happened and just agree because it wouldn’t be so far fetched.

I lost family, I lost my friends… I lost relationships I can never get back or apologize too. My life was destroyed until I turned 18, then I unmediated myself, and got on medications that didn’t cause loss of control, and only helped me. All I had left was my husband… even his friends tried to convince him to leave me.
No one comes forward to say ‘hey, I have DID.’ Due to the negative responses and being told you do nothing but lie. There are more of us out there then people realize, we all are just… sadly professionals at hiding. I was for years, until I found that I could no longer deny my alters, I embraced what I had, and slowly, we’re getting to the point of co-existing.

Anyways, I’m done ranting…

One By One

We managed to do some house work finally, it’s been really hard to do much of anything due to the depression. Xero helped me do dishes and laundry, but that’s about all my body could deal with sadly…
He wants to clean the entire kitchen, but I don’t have the strength nor the interest sadly. Depression is one of those weird things that people think is just ‘being sad’.
For me it feels like I have a tree across my chest, something so heavy and crushing it’s debilitating. Then when I try and move, I feel as if something is pulling back on me, almost like I have nasty little negative baddies slowly piling on top of me until I can’t move anymore.
For me, depression has always been extremely debilitating… it’s not just crying and feeling lost, I feel like the entire world is on me and I can’t really escape that. My mother and brother always say ‘it’s okay’ and ‘don’t be sad’. I honestly wish my family could understand exactly how hard all of this is… but sadly with mental health its one of those ‘you have to have it to understand’…

it’s hard to really deal with it, my CPTSD and DID are the same way… Night terrors, physical memories, flashbacks in public… switching, memory issues, migraines… and that’s only some. Explaining all of that is so difficult, my mother’s response was ‘I get depressed too’ some time a few weeks ago, it caused me to completely meltdown. She apologized though, and explained she didn’t word it correctly, but still.
I wish I could literally give people my mental illnesses for 1 week… so they can see exactly what I go through. The fear, the lack of sleep, the depression… the suicidal feelings (however you don’t want to act on them), etc.
I think it would also help law makers if that was possible… but sadly it’s not something you can do. Especially things that have altered your brain chemistry or physically. DID physically rewires your nervous system, and blocks certain pieces of your brain unless you are that alter. CPTSD is similar… you’re unable to have a dam to you’re subconscious in a sense… and all those trauma’s you faced flood out, causing it to affect your senses. Depression is chemical I guess… or so says my psychiatrist. Honestly all my illnesses are just hard at times.

One thing I will admit though, I have never been completely alone. I’ve always had my alters, being physically alone is still extremely hard for me, but my alters keep me sane. They’re the ones who talked me through everything, and kept me alive in times I should of died. I guess that’s what there suppose to do, but I’m glad I have them. My family doesn’t understand this, and tell me I have to re-merge all my parts, or to ‘get over it’. It’s upsetting, and extremely hard. However I keep going despite all the negativity.
Una and Vera seem extremely proud of me because of that choice, I feel like I became public enemy number 1 in my family haha.
Z and Rin are keeping Alice and Rina amused, even Lucy came out and socialized surprisingly. However after 10 minutes she couldn’t help but fall asleep mid sentence, I’m just happy she came out instead of sleeping.
She seemed to wake up every now and then, but it was nice having her with the others. We haven’t seen Mimi since the other day, we’re pretty sure she’s back to hiding. Honestly if I have a little more strength, I would be able to keep her out, and she wouldn’t have to hide all the time… but sadly, I don’t have that extra strength.
Seems I went off on a tangent hah

Battle Scars

One thing we tend to notice, repeatedly, is that the scars we obtained while fighting this ongoing war are always looked down upon. One thing we really don’t understand is when Politicians and other higher authorities look at people like us, and more, and just stop at a rather hard stigma word…. mentality ill.
We understand both sides of this, trust me. However they seem to be more afraid of us, though most things that are considered fear worthy are caused by individuals who are not like us or like the community we share.
Honestly most of the mental health community still remains in hiding due to this, and thanks to Hollywood’s poor impressions on things like Depression, Anxiety, Bi-polar, DID, and so much more.

We didn’t chose to be like this, nor do we honestly enjoy the negative consequences that come with our break downs or triggering. Luckily, there are people within this community who honestly fight for us every day, and know what there talking about. For instance, Gail specialized in Dissociating, and for years worked with patients with DID, and began to search for more education until she was recognized by the psychological board that she is an expert in DID.
We see her every week, she has fought hard for not only to prove I was discriminated against at Banner Health, but submitted everything she has to the Social Sincerity office to help prove to them I am, sadly incapable of working RIGHT NOW. We and her both believe once I can learn the coping skills to deal with my triggers, and we all can co-exist, we’ll be able to work.
However the downfall is I was tossed around from therapist to therapist, people who didn’t know what the hell they where talking about, and it ended up regressing any progress I had by myself. So we’re all sadly starting from ground zero. Most places in my state discriminate against those who have a service animal for psychological reasons, and have not been in the military (they seem to think you need to be in the military to have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder -_-).
We still try and apply to jobs, despite all this judgemental crap.

The scars we carry are a symbol of survival, who cares if there not ‘pretty’, though most won’t acknowledge this, those like us who have these scars, are indeed fighting the war everyday. It’s a different kind of war, it’s a war only we can see, and feel, and become wounded or killed by.
We have been abused, beaten down, experimented on, attacked, verbally insulted to the point we believe we are scum of the earth, sexually assaulted, raped, and yet we are still standing tall, moving forward… even if we fall back a few steps, we still manage to get back up and keep going.
We have support from very few people, but those people are what keep us from dying, keep us strong, help us up when we can’t stand on our own.
We have battle scars that could scare people, even those who have been in the military… I do. My family member who was in Special Ops and is a Sniper was horrified by what happened to me in middle to high school. He said he would kill them, but I told him what was the point now? 3 are dead from OD’s and suicide, and one is somewhere that I honestly don’t care where.
What’s done is done, all we can do is move forward. We all are fighting a war that most can’t see, but at least we have the scars to prove we survived.