Hello, you can just call me Tao ^_^
This is a record of my journey with my DID, PTSD, Anxiety and Depression. This is my challenges with my Service Animal, my home life, work life, friends, family and anything that seems to be a hurdle for us all.
I have 14 alters, fragmented memories and a very limited ability to retain things. So I apologize to anyone who has ever felt flustered by this… I promise I didn’t mean too on purpose. I also apologize in advanced, due to these factors and my rather horrid memory, I’m sure I will accidentally repeat things.
This is something I began in a way to express myself without prejudice, being called a liar all your life, you can’t help but be carious. I write this blog to help me chronicle my life, my journey, my challenges, and my triumphs. This is honestly my life written down.
Thank you, and I hope you all enjoy.
**Disclaimer: I own none of the pictures I use. I am currently using them until I feel brave enough to upload my own artwork**
***Disclaimer 2: I am slowly starting to add my own artwork… you can tell the difference haha***
As of right now, I am aware of having 15 different personalities if you do count me as the core, but for the sake of explanation, I will in this description.
The first one is me, I am the host, we will just call me Tao for the sake of those who do not know me in real life.
The second is Una, she was born in my very early years. She is a mother figure, extremely confident and caring. She is my matriarch, she helps me maintain order within our chaotic brain, and helps me keep control of all my alters.
She tends to be extremely blunt, she never has to lay a finger on you to hurt you, she has made grown adults sob, and honestly has no patience for ignorance, uneducated, rudeness, stupidity, and abusive people.
She can do just about everything I can, including things I don’t really know how to do. Her and Khala tend to fight quite a bit.
The Third is Xero, he was born around the same time as Una. He is a comforting figure for me, he tends to help me manage my feelings of fear, my darker thoughts, and he is my gut response to just about anything… I call him my yikes response. He is extremely OCD and a rather bad clean freak, he will go on cleaning rampages and make everything spotless, he has been known to do it in other homes, which is not only uncomfortable to those people, but he tends to organize his way… Everything has to be organized, when something isn’t he tends to have large meltdowns into extremely dark depressions.
He is very much into… darker things. Horror movies and such, he has a fascination with blood as well. He is a self-mutilator, but tends to only do so when he feels extremely depressed.
The fourth is Alice, she is a child alter who is unable to feel any type of pain or emotional feelings in general, and is mute. She was born to take the abuse I was going through, and to handle the emotional/physical pain I had suffered. She is my Gate Keeper, she is the one who determines who gets what memories and for how long, and also if the emotion to those memories will be acceptable or not.
I call them ‘Memory Vaults’, and she seems to assign each memory vault to different alters depending on what there job is within the collective.
She normal becomes active when Rina or Xero are having one of there Self Mutilation fits, all other times are triggered based. She tends to come out periodically when she is lonely, she and my husband seem to have a odd relationship, but she enjoys his company none the less.
The Fifth is Rina, she is a child alter who holds all the feelings of being the victim. She have no confidence, blames herself for everything, and will not only self mutilate but is suicidal. When my other alters are unable to help calm her, my service animal and husband are known to watch her at all times, to prevent her from doing anything we all don’t agree on. Though we all have a understanding that if anything happens to the body, we all are affected; Rina doesn’t really accept or follow this understanding. She will go find a place to have her back against, and rock if she is having one of her meltdowns.
Though she does have a happier side, and tends to love playing in forts. She also has a fondness for movies and coloring, my husband is still learning how to handle her, but she at least likes him.
The Sixth is Emily, Emily was born shortly after my life was put in danger, and Alice was unable to handle the situation due to the life threatening altercation. She is our Guardian, she maintains the peace within our system, and protects us from harm in any form. She hates everyone who isn’t us, she has begrudgingly accepted my husband since he is not going anywhere, but has acknowledged he is good for us. She holds my anger, rage, hatred and most of my sloth like behaviors. She games heavily, and hates being touched by anyone other then animals. She especially loves Merlin, our service animal.
She isn’t always extremely aggressive, only in times of survival would she ever need to be, and she would never become aggressive to hurt or kill anyone, only to remove ourselves from the situation with as little harm possible. If non-fatal wounding is needed, she will do it in order to protect the collective.
Emily can do basically everything I can do, she is normally extremely laid back, she is extremely distrusting of anyone other then us and my husband.
The Seventh is Khala, she is my Teenager and I can’t remember when she was born. She is extremely manipulative, she has some sociopathic tendencies, and tends to spend money much like a teenager. She hates men or any type of person who is abusive (men and women alike). She will defend someone who is being attacked if she witnesses it. She is unable to understand emotions, however she can mimic the feeling/emotion, but she doesn’t feel it or understand it.
She will use people for free things, and tends to be extremely… hard to talk too. I believe her hatred for men kind of fuel this behavior. She helps me with the more feminine sides of being a girl.
Khala can do a good amount of what I can, basically she is forever stuck at 16 in a sense… however she is extremely good at mimicking me down to a T when she wants something, and tends to be an expert at blending into her environment.
The Eighth is Vera, she is frequently called ‘The Doctor’ by the others. She functions a bit differently then the others. Her primary function is to make sure not only me, but the everyone is ‘healthy’ both mentally and physically. She handles all illness, and seems to be the one who has the extreme interest in Psychology.
She digs heavily into research, looking things up and observing for scientific purposes. I guess she keeps the order within my chaotic brain, and makes sure all is within working order.
She rarely comes out, but when the others can’t seem to reach me or I’m ill, she will. Her personality is extremely outgoing, and her sense of humor tends to be on the darker side. However she really seem to care deeply about all of us, and works extremely hard to keep us all within healthy limits.
The Ninth is Rok, he is within what I call Lock Up. He is what most would call there primal rage. He wasn’t always like this, but when my family began to verbally abuse me, he snapped. He has almost broken my husbands legs, almost broke my brothers arm, and fractured my mothers right knee. Due to the severity we all agreed it would be safer for us and others if he would be placed in lock up until we can find a way to co-exist.
The Tenth is Gor, His also within Lock Up. He has kleptomania, he stole candy in the beginning, then graduated to stealing money, and anything he could get his hands on. He really didn’t mean to cause harm, Gor is a lover yes, but when he tried to steal a car muffler and car battery, we had to place him in lock up before he got in trouble.
The Eleventh is Ray, she is also within Lock Up. She is what most would classify as a Nymphomaniac. She is extremely sexual, she loves porn, sex, sex toys, you name it, she knows of it and is turned on by it. She knows about most fetishes and kinks, and can’t help but long for sex. She was placed in lock up quickly, to avoid harming my marriage, the system, and those around me.
The Twelfth is Lucy, she is the embodiment of sloth. She loves to sleep, loves soft things, and tends to be a narcoleptic person. She reminds me of the Door mouse from Alice in Wonderland… but without a trigger word. She tends to hate doing anything that requires effort, so she will (if given the opportunity) call out of work, refuse to go to appointments, and even will go as far as canceling plans just so she can sleep.
The Thirteenth is Rin, she is the complete opposite of Khala. She’s extremely shy, quite, and tends to keep to herself. She wears a smile, and tends to be extremely helpful. However, she feels suicidal, 100% of the time and is Anorexic/Bulimic. She is unable to stop feeling suicidal, so her smile is really just a means to and end to hide this fact, one upside is she would never act out on these feelings unless she is triggered to do so. The Anorexia/Bulimia is another story, we’ve gotten her to agree to at least keep hydrated, however she is not allowed out without supervision, to assure she does not put us all in danger. Emily and Vera both tend to be extremely vigilant when she’s active, but she is to not be without my husband or another person present to keep us all out of danger.
The Fourteenth is Z. He tends to be a bit overly blunt and has no control over it. He’s like a 16 year old boy in a sense, he bluffs and acts tough but really, he’s still trying to fully grasp how to word things. Z isn’t as mean as he acts, he just can’t help the way he speaks. He tends to be extremely over protective of me, almost like a big brother figure. Him and Xero get along really well, it makes me glad honestly. He also helps with Lucy and other alters, he can remove them rather efficiently, and he just puts them in there rooms nicely. I don’t think Z is capable of being mean, he just acts it.
The Fifteenth is Mimi, she…. she is the one I honestly am afraid of. If anyone is capable of killing another human being it would be her. Mimi is similar in regards to Emily, she is more of a protector in the fact she will do anything to ensure the safety of the system… even if it means killing. Other then that, she is extremely kind. She is also mute, however she will growl, bite, scratch… she is probably the closest Alter I have to being completely 100% primal. She is extremely hard to catch… we’ve been trying to get her into Lock Up for years, but it’s like trying to catch a cat…