Duality

Apologies, the last few days or weeks have been… annoying to be honest.
Without insurance, it’s hard to get the migraine medication that helps us survive… so we were pretty messed up for the last 3 days.

Today we finally caved after urging from the husband to send an update message to our neurologist. The spasms are getting longer, more painful. The deep aching is much more painful, causing me to collapse from pain verses just loosing feeling. It’s been really hard on the others, Vera and Una wish they knew what to do… I have the whole crew hovering around trying to make me feel better, it’s kind of funny.
We had two fainting spells, one in October and another one yesterday. I think it’s nothing, but Vera and Alice both wanted me to mention it to my Neurologist since it could be something…
My dyslexia is getting worse, I’m starting to have a harder time spelling words I have always been able too spell (thankfully with spellcheck, it’s easy to hide online). It’s extremely frustrating, so I figured mentioning it wouldn’t hurt either…

Sometimes I can’t help but press my eyes into my skull… the small throbbing is really starting to get on my nerves… and everyone knows it. Emily was the calm one for once a few days ago… I was sobbing, hitting my head on the wall because I had become so frustrated with being in pain I just snapped. She forced control and made me stop… it’s the first time I had ever seen her so calm… it was kind of shocking.
Alice and Rina are still having issues, Alice doesn’t like the migraines, it effects her work with memories and such, so she tends to get extremely upset. Rina had been hiding in her room, I think she’s to afraid to be around right now…
Xero had a meltdown and cleaned my husbands computer out, including his desk, drawers, etc…
Luckily my husband understood… or else it would of been a screaming match over it. Z has been keeping Xero occupied since then, so hopefully he can just… stay there for a while. Lucy is still sleeping through everything… makes me dread when she wakes up.
Rin is being watched… she was being bad I guess…
She let her bulimia take over… my Husband said he was able to get her to stop but… Rin is on room arrest right now.
Everything is just… messed up.

Today we all went with the Husband and 2 friends to see a movie, the new Star Wars one. It wasn’t bad, we all enjoyed it. I started to have extremely bad spasms down my right leg, so once the movie was over, I looked like an old woman as I hobbled out to a seat where a water fountain was. Even though I took my muscle relaxant… it didn’t help much.
My husband keeps getting called into work, Yesterday was the first full day off he had in over a week… it’s frustrating for me, I am home alone, trying to do house work without hurting myself; and I hardly ever get to see him. I guess I just get agitated about it, and I already feel useless for not being able to hold a job like I so desperately wish I could… however I guess one girl and her 9 brain siblings have a rather hard time with it -_-

I’m struggling with cutting again, I get those deep, deep urges that are almost impossible to resist… I’ve gotten to the point of taking cold showers to snap me back… it’s hard. I touch my scars, and remember exactly why it is there, what I did it for, and how… I just remember everything, and I hate every ounce of it.
That seething hatred, sorrow, pain, agony… all those dark emotions that where embedded into my body makes me ashamed… it makes me hate myself even more. I hate my body, I hate how the scars are visible everywhere. I can’t hide them all, and the ones people can see, know what they are, and judge me based on it…
Its hard… and painful. Drawing and painting my feelings have helped, but cutting became my drug… became my alcohol… I may have never done anything addictive, but cutting to me… it is addictive, and fighting it is hard, however not completely impossible.

anyways… my thoughts are just everywhere right now…
Sorry about that… kinda turned into a weird rant thing… haha.

Sometimes The Stars

Now that I have my medications back within my system, I have been able to sleep better, think a bit more clearly. I’ve been drawing much more lately, I’ve seemed to have gone back to my tribal drawing roots… I have improved rather well.

We’re all counting down the days to January… we all really want to go back and see Gail. Gail has requested we go twice a week for a time, mostly due to the fact I’ve sadly regressed a bit. She says it’s not my fault, we are the last first world developed country without nationwide health care… or socialized as some would call it. I wasn’t surprised, with the way people with mental health are treated within this country, and how uneducated people seem to be about it, I’m just… not shocked in the slightest.

I was out with my father and Merlin yesterday. With Merlin it seems easier to be around him… which is nice. Sadly because of my mothers dog, I can’t have him, thus only being able to be around her for at most 3 or 4 hours. We ran to the pharmacy that had his compression socks, and went to eat lunch. I laid out Merlin’s blanket (because I really didn’t think the floor was clean…) and he went under the table and laid down in it. He was quite, bothering no one.
We were approached by some teenagers, who started on and on about how I am the reason why service dogs are given a bad rap, and how he was a fake service dog because I didn’t ‘look sick’. My father started to get into it with them, and I was stuck in a booth… Merlin got up onto the booths seat, and laid himself over me, making a barrier from me and them. When one of the kids tried to touch me, he barked once.
The cops who came in for lunch, intervened, all 3 cops laughed at the teenagers claims and said “You see what he’s doing to his handler? That’s called blocking… you’re doing something that’s forcing the dog to feel it’s safer for him to be in between you and her. Just because you can’t see an illness doesn’t mean it’s not there.”

That was the most amazing thing I had heard in a while. another cop was talking to my dad who, of course, was all fired up. and the female cop sat with me outside while my panic attack set in. Thanks to Merlin, I avoided switching. She saw pretty quickly I had PTSD of some kind because of the after effects… she said her husband has PTSD from his childhood, not the military, and has a service dog as well, so she understood what I was going through. It made me feel more at ease. We sat outside until I was calm enough to go back inside. When I did, Merlin was body blocking, placing himself in between me and the 3 teenagers. They apologized, the cops explained they were going to take them to the station and have there parents come get them there. They wanted to know if I wanted to press charges, I said no. There was no point too, from what I could hear when the teens called there parents, none where pleased with what they did. I think that’s enough.

When I got home, I had to crash, the stress seemed to drain everything I had. Emily wanted a piece, Una wanted a piece, Xero freaked out, Alice and Rina where being comforted by Vera… Z wanted a piece, Rin was crying, Lucy didn’t seem to care…. it’s like a giant mess when things like this happen. I didn’t tell my husband yet, mostly because he’ll get angry, but also he acts like he should of been there; however honestly I doubt him being there would of changed much. My dad called me about 40 times to make sure I was okay after I got home, so it’s one of those things to where more people there might of made it worse…
Sometimes I wish people here were more educated about service dogs, mental health… just… everything. Sometimes I wonder if moving to a different country would be better, but I can’t really just pack up and go. With how our country is right now, getting a passport costs an arm and a leg, then trying to leave costs half your soul.
maybe I should carry a squirt bottle and spray people when they say stupid things, then say ‘Bad! Bad human!’
Ahhhh if only…

Swallow

Sorry, mostly this is going to be a rant…

So last Thursday I called and left a message for my psychiatrist, explaining I will need re-fills on my anti-depressant/anxiety and my med that helps me NOT have night terrors. Friday I called again trying to make sure they filled it, but I never heard back…
This past weekend was hell.

My anxiety and depression where all over the place, and I barely slept more then 2 hours each night due to the night terrors. My husband called off work to stay with me due to this… I was hiding in the corner apparently. I assume it was Rina.
Basically for 5 days I was dissociated to the point I honestly can’t remember any of it if at all. Monday I received a phone call from the psychiatrist’s office finally, however instead of the doctor, it was his secretary.
Now… this is the same lady who tried to tell me I wasn’t allowed to have my service dog within the office due to allergies…. and later got yelled at BY my doctor because my psychologist called and yelled at him…. She doesn’t like me very much.
Anyways, she tells me they have my med requests, but the doctor won’t fill them because I was due for an appointment. I explained I already talked with him about everything, and he is aware I don’t have insurance coverage until January.
She sighed and said if I can’t come in, I won’t be getting my medications and would be dismissed from the practice, I asked to speak with my doctor, she refused.

I called Gail sobbing. I was right at the tipping point of all hell breaking lose on top of the lack of sleep. Gail managed to talk me down, and said she would call and see what she says. It took about an hourish, but she called back and explained that they wouldn’t let her talk to him, but she said that she would call the direct line then. Apparently that freaked out the secretary I assume.
My doctor had no idea I had requests for medications, and was rather shocked with the fact I was being denied a right to speak with my doctor about medications. Same day I got my medications, I already set an appointment for the first week in January…

I really hate people….
Anyways, done with ,my rant.

The Wolf And The Hunter

It’s been a while, sorry about that.
I finally was able to go and do my appointments for Social Security, now I get to play the waiting game.I also got to find out that insurances don’t start until the next year… so I’m screwed until January.
It’s only a month, but it’s still frustrating. Expensive medications, no doctors or psychologist visits…. it’s becoming extremely hard to function. I had to call Gail crying today, explaining how I apparently didn’t have the insurance I thought I had… she helped me calm down, she said the new presidency changed a bit… and this was probably one of them.
I’m at an impasse at this point, my husband was even on edge, we got into a fight over money, then Emily was out. I’m starting to lose some control again, alters are slipping out of the cracks because I can’t even control my own feelings. I feel as if I’m regressing.

I went to see my grandparents grave. I stood there talking like an idiot for over an hour… my husband says when we die we die. I like to think that maybe they can hear me, maybe. I still get the ghost feelings, where I see them turn a corner or hear there voices. Those feelings are what’s helping me… that and my husband keeping me sane.
Though we fought, we made up pretty quickly. He understands my frustration… he has it as well. This whole situation has been nothing but painful from the start….
I hate how my country does insurance.

I talked with someone with DID in a group I’m in… he apparently thinks because my symptoms are not ‘exactly’ like his, I can’t have DID. I was able to work with my alters, I never was scared of them. He on the other hand fears them, and tries to keep them all locked away.
You can’t really do that… it’s not exactly healthy either. It was hard, and took so much work for me to do, but I found common ground and I found we all want the same thing… to survive.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a wolf within a world of hunters… you have to basically hide in the shadows and hope no one hears you or knows your there. I try to connect with others with DID… but I think because of my trust issues, it’s hard for me to really connect with anyone. My husband took a sludge hammer and broke his way in, and my grandparents where more parents to me then my own… plus I seemed to get along better with my grandparent’s family then my own, I even feel more comfortable with my husband’s family then my own… which honestly scares me.
My mother had gotten to my brother, he’s no longer sure what I have, all he says it I have something wrong with me. My dad can’t even remember half the time now… I just have those moments where I feel completely alone. My husband got along with his family except for 1 brother…. but his family never raised a hand to him, or verbally attacked him… or even emotionally scarred him. But he is all I have at times… other times I’m blessed to have at least 2 other people, my best friend is my third. Sometimes I worry if only having 4 support beams is really enough, other times I think it’s plenty.

I recently have stopped caring about the people who lie to me, use me, can’t seem to want to support me in my darkest hours… who refuse to understand. It’s extremely light, and bright now… it’s almost blissful.

Anyways… I think I’m done with my weird nonsense.

 

Rx: Medicate

Recently I got into a fight with some internet idiots… they tried to say I needed to medicate better, then maybe I wouldn’t be struggling with my DID as much as I am.
Seriously?
Do you understand the depth of that statement? sigh… another rant incoming…

Dissociative Identity Disorder is a mental illness that has physically changed the way your neurons and other parts of your brain work, to the point of effecting the chemical input and outputs like most other mental illnesses… however, there compartmentalized, so what works for you may not work for an alter BECAUSE that persona is literally cut off from your side of the brain.
So basically it’s like an irrigation system, there are walls that block the incoming streams from going to certain areas and others that help guide it, etc.
When you flood your brain with anti depressants, it only will work for the parts of the brain that ALLOW it. For example, I am the only one who is effected by my anti-depressant; where as Xero is unaffected no matter how much you pump into me.
We had a similar issue when we were mistaken for having bi-polar and schizophrenia, the anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers where not only making me robotic, but it was agitating my alters to the point they and I where having control issues. I was switching so often and so much within a day that I can’t even remember 8 years…. 8 years of my life.
Emily tried to kill my husband on 5 separate occasions thinking he was one of our abusers. It was a giant mess of chaos and mayhem that honestly I have to listen to people tell me what happened and just agree because it wouldn’t be so far fetched.

I lost family, I lost my friends… I lost relationships I can never get back or apologize too. My life was destroyed until I turned 18, then I unmediated myself, and got on medications that didn’t cause loss of control, and only helped me. All I had left was my husband… even his friends tried to convince him to leave me.
No one comes forward to say ‘hey, I have DID.’ Due to the negative responses and being told you do nothing but lie. There are more of us out there then people realize, we all are just… sadly professionals at hiding. I was for years, until I found that I could no longer deny my alters, I embraced what I had, and slowly, we’re getting to the point of co-existing.

Anyways, I’m done ranting…

Whatever It Takes

Lately my need to draw and create art has been extremely high, I think mostly because it’s a great stress relief. However as of late I have been thinking more in depth about our life and where to go from here.
School is a pain, mostly due to the fact of no money and the US is a pain in the ass when it comes to financial aid. Starting a family isn’t going to work due to the fact I can’t be off my medications long enough to be pregnant without bad side effects. Traveling or anything requiring money is a no no, well… mostly due to the fact I can’t work and be society’s version of normal to even hold a job…

So we all sat down today, and we talked about it. Mostly because I myself was having issues with it, and due to the fact I can’t really contact my psychologist unless it’s a crisis, it was something I thought maybe my system could help with. Now let me explain something, we talk every day about random things. It’s not like I don’t like talking to them, however we all have differences in what ‘living life’ is.
Surprisingly my alters where rather helpful about this subject. Though I can’t do the things I originally dreamed of, I can create new dreams and achieve them in time.

Vera and Una both where extremely helpful, they said if one door is closed, it doesn’t mean I can’t find an open one. If I can’t be pregnant, then I could adopt someday. If I can’t be in school now, then maybe I try and aim for one online class a semester until I can afford more, if I can’t have a job now I will probably be able too in the future and so on.
It was extremely reliving. Feeling like I was dead to society because I can’t follow there version of normal was idiotic on my part, however understandable. We all want to be normal… from the depressed to the psychotic.
Honestly I couldn’t tell you what I would of been willing to give to be normal… however now, it seems with the help of my alters, we have a plan on how to be our own version of normal.
It may not be perfect, we may have set backs, but it makes me hopeful.

Emily and Z both encouraged me to keep making art, Vera also said she loves to see what I create. It felt kind of nice that they like my artwork… I tend to think it’s not good enough. I’ve tried Deviant Art and such, however I never get anyone to tell me my art is good, only that it tends to suck.
It’s stupid to seek validation, but I guess I’m only human right?

Thorns

Today we went and saw our mother person, it wasn’t as terrible as we originally thought it would be. She treated us to breakfast, and we got to discuss things.
Apparently after the Attorney General closed my case, a few things happened at Banner Health that made me feel a little bit more like I did do some damage.

The idiot from HR got fired, the same man who kept asking personal information, and claimed I could be a danger to the work environment…. then I guess my mother’s boss got chewed out as well by corporate for trying to get around there choice for me to have my service animal. She lied to me in the phone conversation, she never once went to infection control, so it explains why they couldn’t give me a real reason as to why I couldn’t bring my service animal.
My mother also said there was people from corporate within there department just casually asking questions. She said that a few transporters told them that they see the therapy dogs up in ICU all the time, same with the K9 unit. She also stated that there is a mandatory, yearly training for managers on ADA laws and Service Dog laws now…

Needless to say, I feel I really did do some kind of damage. It makes me feel a little bit more satisfied with the outcome of this whole ordeal. Finical compensation would of been nice, but I got what I primarily wanted… justice. I wanted that HR guy fired, I wish they fired my boss and his boss…. but I guess I’ll settle for the chew out.
It makes me realize corporate wasn’t to blame, which made me feel better as well. It was the actions of 3 corrupted people, not the people who my mother spoke so highly of. I don’t really need to tell you how happy Una was, Emily said it was about time hah.

I’m now waiting for the insurance company to send me my cards, then I can finally go back to my doctors. I’m close to just calling and getting the info they need, I haven’t seen my Neurologist in 3 months, or my Psychologist…. it’s sadly starting to take it’s toll on me. Also would be nice to have all that information for when I see my Psychiatrist the second week of November…
I also need to go speak with my PCP, though she said I should no longer be having a menstrual cycle, I still spot. She first thought it was me missing the medications, but now she’s concerned I just have an extremely thick uteran wall, which can be a good or bad thing depending on what she can find… but I can’t see her due to no insurance. I feel like we pay more for health insurance in the US then anything else… and due to the costs, people wait until there basically dying to see someone. Luckily I have decent insurance coming my way, but I can tell you for a fact, the basic health insurance they offer is 300$… and it doesn’t even cover MOST of my medications… let alone ANY kind of visits except my annuals.
Needless to say… I’m really excited to have health insurance again.