Deteriorate

One thing that tends to be a recurrence within my life is how intense things sometimes get… it normally leads to people becoming upset, tears, and honestly? Leaving. When everything seems to fall apart, I always lose at least one person…
Sometimes I wonder if I’m just overly intense to deal with, other times I wonder if it’s just the concept of the fact I have (sometimes) misbehaving alters who end up turning my life upside down for a while.

I lost someone precious to me today, I understand why she needs to leave, I honestly do. She needs to focus on her own mental health, and honestly I’m just making it worse. It’s heart breaking you know?
Losing someone you loved so dearly. But then again, I should be use to this by now. Sorry, that sounded meaner then I meant. Ever since I was young, I lost people one by one. You think, ‘finally, someone who will be friends with me forever’ but it just never works out.
I really don’t get it, but at the same time, I really think it’s because of my alters…

I have 2 suicidal alters, it’s hard sometimes to control them. I think people have a hard time understanding that, but then again, I could be completely wrong, and just assuming things like I normally do.
I can’t help but feel like something is wrong with me, but then again, I guess there is if you think about it logically.
Sorry, I’m pretty messed up right now… guess I can’t make sense.

A Lady’s Due

Our new therapy is going well, we still see Gail along with the outpatient therapy. However as of late, listening to all these people, how high medication levels have done wonders for them, it makes me feel out of place.
I can’t increase any of my medications, nor can I get on medications that are more potent or have higher doses… it would destroy any type of control I have. It’s like Marijuana for me, I’ve tried Indica’s and Salvias (sorry if misspelled), any once of control I lose, suddenly everything becomes a shit show.
Last time I lost my grip, Emily gave us a boxer fracture for punching her hand through a wall, Rina almost successfully killed herself, Xero began to scrub his hands so bad, it made them bleeding and raw….
Control is key, not just for me, but for all of us. They asked about increasing my medications, but I told them if they knew anything about DID like they said they did, they should know why I can’t do that.

The last few suicide attempts I’ve had, have been alter induced. Gail tells me it means that it’s not me who wants to die, but the alter. Rin was responsible for the last one, Rina was the previous ones. It’s hard living with 2 suicidal personalities, especially when one doesn’t act like it, and tends to have bulimic and anorexic issues.
Today I am meeting an old friend I haven’t seen since middle school, I was shocked when she said she didn’t hate me, I was pretty sure everyone did in middle school.
I think it will be a nice change for me, I hardly ever go out and mingle, she is aware of my psychiatric issues since she was part of the ‘Years of Hell’ as we all call them.
We’re all excited, Emily even is, after all she was one of few in the past she liked.

I was suppose to go meet with a school administrator at the college, however my sciatica decided it was not my day. It’s hard to explain that to someone, ‘hey sorry I can’t stand up, so I can’t come’…. most freak out and ask if I need to go to the hospital, but if I did they’d laugh at me. There’s nothing they can do, my Neurologist said once my insurance is back, they have another EMG to do. Apparently it is something to do with my nerves. but they want to refine it now, towards where the disruptions are.
It’s hard, even with my special enrollment insurance, it still doesn’t cover any of my doctors, and only one of my medications; Birth Control.
It doesn’t cover my neuro medications, normal medications, or my psych medications…. it’s kind of upsetting. So I’m trying to find cheaper places for my medications, while I wait for this friday.
Open Enrollment starts finally, and as soon as I’m signed up, it begins. So I will be so happy once all this is over.

 

Evermore

Sometimes things just tend to fail at going right, and when everything crumbles you are left to wonder why. My mortgage company are idiots, they told me they pulled the 500 out of my account, turns out they didn’t.
Come to find this out because they call my father, who is NOT a authorized user on the mortgage.

Next I start to run out of medication I was sure I had enough of in the beginning of August, guess how wrong I was? The medication keeping my night terrors at bay is gone, thus releasing a plague upon my own brain.
Emily has been up every night for hours, trying to let me stay calm… however it takes a toll on my body. Everything hurts, have been having some fits in my legs, no falling just tingling like crazy.

My roommate has been nothing but a burden to me, she had a chance to find a job and help since the end of March… but not once did she find one. She expects me to do her laundry like I’m her mother, and when I cook meals my Husband and I only get less then half since she eats like a pig.
Last night I got none of the dinner I ate because she took so much, that I just would rather my husband had a meal then me. She has told a friend of mine she expects my husband and I to bend and let her stay…

Sometimes, when everything comes to a head and you’re falling down that rabbit hole, you have a moment of weakness. I tried to kill myself, however control was revoked extremely fast, the cuts are not even deep, they look like cat scratches or a cat lunged off me. I understand the significance of what happened, and how it was a horrible moment of weakness. I went and spoke to Gail with my husband, and Gail agreed with my husband that inpatient was not the best option.
Due to where I live, no matter where I go, they don’t believe me when I tell them I have DID. They try and change my medications, and say I’m schizophrenic or bi-polar, they try and keep me there like I’m some lab rat… they do all of this without consulting my husband, who is my POA.
Due to this, my alters and I know how to play the system, we do everything we can to get out before they do more damage to us.
I got the phone call today we are going to try outpatient therapy for dissociation. It isn’t DBT or CBT, I guess its a different type. I’m willing to try it, my husband has agreed he will attend with me, as loved ones are encouraged to be apparent of the therapy.

I had someone I trusted tell me I was very sick, and needed help. I became hurt by this comment, I felt as though she didn’t understand like I knew she did. However I’m starting to wonder if I’m just having an overreaction to it. I understand what happened was not good, and it was not the first time this year it’s happened… however hospitals don’t help me, they can’t change my medications around without severely messing with my system it took me over a year to get on the cocktail I’m on now, and for it to work without causing side effects with my alters.
The last time I was put on medications without someone carefully doing so, I began to have psychotic breaks and hallucinations, so bad to the point my family was afraid of me… my own family.

I just feel like I’m lost within this extremely long tunnel, and all I want to do is find the door, and get back onto my path to recovery. 5 steps forward and 10 steps back suck, but I’m surviving… that’s all that matters.

Very Long, But Needed Update

I have been slacking extremely bad as of late. Sadly there has been so much going on, we are just trying to survive at this point.

I was fired from my job, there first excuse was I was a ‘liability’ because of my back issues (though they hired me, knowing full well WHAT my back issues were…), then when the day of firing came, they made sure to cover there asses.
They said they needed a person who would be on cashier full time, and due to my back issues I would be unable to perform the job tasks….
-sigh- back to square one.

Around this time, I lost my health insurance as well… and due to the fact that the special enrollment doesn’t have anything available that my doctors will take, I am stuck until September open enrollment to get new insurance. Most would probably just say, “well you can find new doctors”, the truth? I can’t.
Finding a psychologist who specializes in DID and disassociation in my state is EXTREMELY rare… the fact I found her is a miracle… then adding on a psychiatrist, neurologist, and a primary care that know and have experience with DID? I found the motherland of miracles, so no… I can’t just ‘find new doctors’.
With all the testing and medications I take, switching and having to go through getting my records moved over, and dealing with the whole ‘Well… you show classic signs of bipolar and schizophrenia… are you sure you have DID?’…. I think Emily would destroy another office -_-

Due to all this happening, I struggled with suicidal feelings, I had a hard time getting out of bed, dressing, I even started to have issues of bulimia like in high school. It started to spiral pretty bad. Luckily my psychologist told me to still call her, so speaking with her has helped. My husband was having a hard time understanding me, so I finally just….. stopped holding back all my emotions.
I told him everything, even things I’ve been having since way back in Idaho. I told him how I felt like I was a waste of space, and how he deserves a wife who can be healthy so she can keep a job. How he deserves someone who is more attentive to him, who does the house work every day, who keeps it up. How I feel like his friends are right, and I am terrible for him, and I will one day ruin him.
How I’ve never felt like I was attractive, and that he would love the skinny me again instead of what these medications have done to me. How I feel like if I was to disappear, people would be able to go on with there lives without having to worry about me, my family can finally be at peace and not need to worry about me. How I wish I could just… be healthy, and not be so sick.
He didn’t even know how to respond let alone express anything on his face. For the first time in my life, I think he really didn’t know how long, and how hard I’ve been fighting the negativity of not only others, but negativity from myself as well. I cried for so long, I honestly have no idea for exactly how long, however my husband just let me, he held me and just…. let me sob. He was very calm, he used a very soothing voice I honestly haven’t heard in a long time, and explained to me how my negative thoughts where wrong, because this was how he really felt. It was wonderful, and it was the first really serious talk we’ve had about my inner most dark thoughts.

I’ve somewhat stablized, they have helped BIG time…. my husband has even recognized how much of a help they all were. I think it was the first time he understood exactly how complicating my system is, but also how efficient it can be when it has to be.
They’ve been getting braver about coming out, I’m kind of happy about that, I just want my siblings and husband to get along… not hate each other.
Emily and Rin seem to be the only ones doing it at this time, I know Alice and Rina will, they love hanging out with there ‘big brother’… can’t tell you how many times that still sends chills, heh.
I’m hoping the others will, I’m pretty sure Una and Vera will still just sit back, they tend to do that…. but it would be nice to see everyone getting along ^_^

Anywho… hurrah for a very long, but needed post. I will be posting more again soon ❤

Hit and Run

So far, the new job is everything we could want. Sadly, we just need to get use to moving around and such again.

I recently was talking to a few people about there experiences in psychology classes, each person seemed to have a similar story, but this is the general thing I guess:
When getting into the part of dissociation, every teacher with a PhD seems to say Dissociative Identity Disorder is in the DSM, but it’s a myth.
How… how did they get there degrees?

I’ve talked to Gail about it, she laughed pretty hard. She said to me some people don’t believe in what they haven’t experienced. However it’s really hard for me to swallow….. how can you get your PhD and claim things don’t exist when there are documented proof of DID?
The study at Oxford when they woman who was blind switched in a functional MRI, and suddenly could see….
The study done at Yale and Harvard where there volunteers switched and they saw the physical change within the brain…

How is there no proof? Another friend of mine said in her forensic psychology class, her teacher said DID was an excuse to not take accountability. We never chose to have DID, nor did the person who is on trial. But sometimes yes, we have alters that can’t be out without causing damage or problems…. I was fortunate enough to learn how to use lock up.
I just can’t understand people who study the brain for a living…. they seem more idiotic then other doctors.

Brief

This will be brief, apologies for the super, SUPER over due post.
We finally got a job (hurrah!) and are excited to finally leave the house, we are also excited to finally be able to pay bills.
We have been practicing what to do and what not to do at work… so hopefully everything will go well. Hex has fit in well, he has started to mingle more with the others and is feeling more welcomed now.
We are starting to hit the end of our Consciousness stage, Gail explained will soon be starting on the path of co-existence, and taking that one more step towards our end goal.

Again, I am sorry it’s brief.

Update… Again

It’s been a while, and I’m sorry for that. Things where extremely hard for a while, but now everything is lined up a bit better.
We were admitted into the hospital for a while, we where having dissociation episodes where I would be in random places with no memories of getting there. It was extremely scary, and I was starting down the suicidal path again.

While within the hospital, we learned we have a new alter who surfaced, and also that there are others deep within my mind that are… ‘asleep’ as he put it. When we got out, Gail explained that it was common to have dormant alters, because we no longer needed there help. However if the time where to come, they will reawaken and help us when we need them.
Our newest addition is Hex, he is extremely charismatic and very much an extrovert. He’s playful and adventurous, so I think he is more of a side I wish I was. I’m not entirely sure.

We finally have obtained employment, and have ridden ourselves of the place who did more harm then good. So hopefully everything will work out well for us in the end…

Sorry this is sort, just tired today, had a very bad migraine last night.