One By One

We managed to do some house work finally, it’s been really hard to do much of anything due to the depression. Xero helped me do dishes and laundry, but that’s about all my body could deal with sadly…
He wants to clean the entire kitchen, but I don’t have the strength nor the interest sadly. Depression is one of those weird things that people think is just ‘being sad’.
For me it feels like I have a tree across my chest, something so heavy and crushing it’s debilitating. Then when I try and move, I feel as if something is pulling back on me, almost like I have nasty little negative baddies slowly piling on top of me until I can’t move anymore.
For me, depression has always been extremely debilitating… it’s not just crying and feeling lost, I feel like the entire world is on me and I can’t really escape that. My mother and brother always say ‘it’s okay’ and ‘don’t be sad’. I honestly wish my family could understand exactly how hard all of this is… but sadly with mental health its one of those ‘you have to have it to understand’…

it’s hard to really deal with it, my CPTSD and DID are the same way… Night terrors, physical memories, flashbacks in public… switching, memory issues, migraines… and that’s only some. Explaining all of that is so difficult, my mother’s response was ‘I get depressed too’ some time a few weeks ago, it caused me to completely meltdown. She apologized though, and explained she didn’t word it correctly, but still.
I wish I could literally give people my mental illnesses for 1 week… so they can see exactly what I go through. The fear, the lack of sleep, the depression… the suicidal feelings (however you don’t want to act on them), etc.
I think it would also help law makers if that was possible… but sadly it’s not something you can do. Especially things that have altered your brain chemistry or physically. DID physically rewires your nervous system, and blocks certain pieces of your brain unless you are that alter. CPTSD is similar… you’re unable to have a dam to you’re subconscious in a sense… and all those trauma’s you faced flood out, causing it to affect your senses. Depression is chemical I guess… or so says my psychiatrist. Honestly all my illnesses are just hard at times.

One thing I will admit though, I have never been completely alone. I’ve always had my alters, being physically alone is still extremely hard for me, but my alters keep me sane. They’re the ones who talked me through everything, and kept me alive in times I should of died. I guess that’s what there suppose to do, but I’m glad I have them. My family doesn’t understand this, and tell me I have to re-merge all my parts, or to ‘get over it’. It’s upsetting, and extremely hard. However I keep going despite all the negativity.
Una and Vera seem extremely proud of me because of that choice, I feel like I became public enemy number 1 in my family haha.
Z and Rin are keeping Alice and Rina amused, even Lucy came out and socialized surprisingly. However after 10 minutes she couldn’t help but fall asleep mid sentence, I’m just happy she came out instead of sleeping.
She seemed to wake up every now and then, but it was nice having her with the others. We haven’t seen Mimi since the other day, we’re pretty sure she’s back to hiding. Honestly if I have a little more strength, I would be able to keep her out, and she wouldn’t have to hide all the time… but sadly, I don’t have that extra strength.
Seems I went off on a tangent hah

Sacrament of the Wilderness

Last night was the first full night of sleep I’ve had in about a week and a half. Seems just knowing I’ll have insurance soon, and having my mortgage up to day is enough stress off myself that my brain finally chilled out. Everyone was happy, especially Xero, he’s been up with me every night trying to keep me company… poor guy, he was exhausted.
My depression is starting to come out of it’s stupidly long spike, my psychologist keeping contact with me was extremely helpful.
I decided to take a break from social media and just keep this going for a bit. I’m tried of reading about how Trump is this or that or doing whatever…. I’m also just tired of drama. I’m still waiting for my soul sister to tell me she’s okay with speaking to me again. It’s been hard without her.
I messaged her last night, but she hasn’t responded…. the last time I did was back in the second week of September. It’s hard not to just message her 24/7 like I use too. However I respect her wishes for space, I just gotta keep it up.

I ended up pulling something in my lower back, I’m not exactly sure how I did it… but it’s severally limited my ability to bend and turn certain ways. It’s also hard to find a good spot so I can fall asleep at night too, because the side I favor makes it hurt worse. So I’ve been trying to just start on my back, not only is it not painful, but it’s better for my spine. I finally finished all of the disability paperwork, I don’t think I’ve ever filled out so much paperwork in my life… but at least it’s done. My doctors are still filling it out, so hopefully once everything is in, I’ll find out rather quickly.
I’ve been practicing drawing people again, I am seriously out of practice… but it’s something I figure I would try again. I’ve been sewing again too, so I’m happy my hobbies are slowly starting to come back to a new time high. Everything within the last few months have been anything but pleasant, but I’m relieved everything is starting to workout.

Thankfully my psychologist has made special arrangements for me to keep doing my outpatient therapies as well, so it’s been extremely helpful since I haven’t been able to see her. Also Vera doing extensive research into cheaper medications while we had no insurance was a life saver, I honestly don’t know what I would of done without her stupid amount of research into it.
Today is not to bad so far, mostly I’m just trying not to make my back worse, and get over being sick… hurray for being prone to Staph Infections!
Not really… but you all get my point >.>


Today was kind of terrible, Vera had to force me out of bed and into the shower. I guess I’m suffering a pretty nasty depression spike. She couldn’t get me up until 3PM, so she’s been pretty miffed at me.
Things are still… volatile, but it’s whatever. Emily just about tore my Husband a new one yesterday, so he’s been staying away until he thinks things calm down. Merlin has been working overtime, and I, like the idiot I am, thought it was a great idea to pull something in my lower back….

I’ve been trying really hard to find a job while my disability is still under determination, but it’s to no avail. They seem to not like the fact I have a service dog, so I’m turned down all the time. They always have there legal excuses… so it’s not like I can really call discrimination… but really? Allergies don’t count you morons!
I’m just getting tired of people who are not educated about service dogs and such… but I guess it’s a factor of life.
I’m still trying not to be upset about my Husband being mad for my alters being out. I’ve discussed it with him hundreds of times that they deserve there time out, they ask to come out, and they are pretty civil with him. So I can’t understand it… Emily just wants to kick his ass, which would amount to nothing. Alice is just trying to help me cope with it.
My psychologist tells me it’s sadly extremely common to have people not understand why they want to be out, and why it’s good I have a system that asks…. it could be one big free for all and I could be someone else every few seconds… but I rather not do that.
Hex has been trying to make me go out and socialize more, which I’m not comfortable with, it took having 2 breakdowns before he finally understood I just… I just really can’t be in giant groups of people.
Z has been hanging out with Xero mostly, they both have been helping me with Alice and Rina lately. Rin has been… annoying, but Una is staying on top of her to make sure she doesn’t try anything again. Lucy is just Lucy… she wanted to sleep all day today, but Vera stepped in pretty fast after that.
We had a rare sighting of Mimi today… she seems to be pretty good at dodging us. She seems more interested in seeing if we’re all okay then anything, but she’s still dangerous. She only surfaced for 10 seconds, but it wasn’t enough time for anyone else to snag her. I guess all she did was dig around in the dirty clothes…. better then her eating out of the trash again….

Don’t Tell Me To Calm Down

It’s been a while…

Recently I had a pretty bad blow out with my husband, he doesn’t like my alters when there out and keeps calling them by my name, which makes them angry…. we’ve tried so many time to explain it to him, to try and educate, so has my psychologist……. however it seems he can’t get it through his think skull.
I keep being told to calm down, to breathe, to not get so worked up over something so small

Small? It’s hard enough having alters, but you want me to just roll over and accept that people arn’t willing to at least try and understand? Screw that.
It’s not hard to look something up, Google is God for people, however all I really ever wanted is someone to just take that time… do that research, read that book I gave them, etc.
However the track record shows it will be a pretty grim outcome. My service animal Merlin worked his fuzzy butt off today, I feel kind of bad about it. We had to play family with dad today, and he brought up the past.
I told him 5 different times nicely, I really didn’t want to talk about it, however when he pushed the issue, I ended up triggering. Vera ripped him a new one before she drove home.

I broke down to someone very dear to me… I felt kind of terrible because I exposed a secret to him that I never meant too. Vera ended up taking control again…. I guess they spoke to each other for a while. Vera told me that he wasn’t angry with me, and understood what happened, it was kind of a breath of fresh air.
I spoke to him after too, he told me to not beat myself up over it, and it wasn’t my fault. It’s extremely hard for me to admit that, especially when you’re told you’re entire life you’re at fault for everything. I have maybe 3 people who I trust completely at all, the rest of the world can stay outside my maze, it’s safer that way.

I may finally have insurance… though it wont matter now, it’s almost November…. my psychologist and I are still talking via phone, so at least I still have that support. The medication prices are what are killing me. You look online, use GoodRX, etc… and some of them are just stupid expensive. I really REALLY hate medication, but I need it. I need it for the night terrors, I need it for the depression, I need it for the anxiety, I need it for my sciatica, I just…. I sadly need my medications. I’ve had everyone keep pushing me to try medical marijuana, however I know the moment I lose that control in my mind, all hell with break lose; I mean it messes with you’re brain… can you imagine if Emily ended up being triggered? It’d be a freaking nightmare…

Anywho… yeah.

Boiling Led

Recently I went through a long and grueling process of filing for disability through Social Security. First thing out of the person’s mouth was ‘You don’t look disabled.’

Just because we don’t look it, doesn’t mean we aren’t. Luckily, I had my Service Dog with me, so that changed quickly when he started to task in front of them. Hearing people dismiss my illnesses makes Emily a tad hostile. It was a very, very long and rather uncomfortable experience. I had to freqently tell them if they wanted information about my past (which they kept asking WHY I had these diagnoses) they would have to talk to my doctors (Which I gave them my list). They seemed to hate that, but that’s how HIPPA works.
After that rather painful experience, I had to go home and get ready for dnd (yes, we’re nerds). Vera helps me run a game of close friends, it helps get me to socialize, and she assists in giving me the confidence I need to run a game. I have one player who constantly seems to try and get away with cheating.
I read through character sheets every week, it’s not like I don’t pay attention. When I bring up these ‘errors’, I am talked down too, almost like he can’t respect a woman DM. My husband has taken the role of attack dog due to this, and when he’s within the room when I speak to this player, he’s much nicer to me… it’s almost creepy.
Even my other players noticed this, which makes this all the more depressing.

Due to this disrespect he keeps giving me (during game as well), Xero lost it last game. He was extremely upset, and started to take control without asking or without permission (we have gotten to a point where they can come out at home whenever they want, they just need to let me know is all), he started snapping at my players, and had a meltdown moment to where my husband had to take him into the other room and tell everyone to go home.
Turns out he doesn’t like the disrespect I get, especially since it triggers some less then unpleasant memories. He ended up cleaning my desk, fish tank, and did my dishes before he was calm again… it took about 4 hours.

Needless to say, things have been a bit calmer since Friday… now to survive next week with the lawyer >.>

(For those who have asked, yes, all my posts are named after songs)

Battle Scars

One thing we tend to notice, repeatedly, is that the scars we obtained while fighting this ongoing war are always looked down upon. One thing we really don’t understand is when Politicians and other higher authorities look at people like us, and more, and just stop at a rather hard stigma word…. mentality ill.
We understand both sides of this, trust me. However they seem to be more afraid of us, though most things that are considered fear worthy are caused by individuals who are not like us or like the community we share.
Honestly most of the mental health community still remains in hiding due to this, and thanks to Hollywood’s poor impressions on things like Depression, Anxiety, Bi-polar, DID, and so much more.

We didn’t chose to be like this, nor do we honestly enjoy the negative consequences that come with our break downs or triggering. Luckily, there are people within this community who honestly fight for us every day, and know what there talking about. For instance, Gail specialized in Dissociating, and for years worked with patients with DID, and began to search for more education until she was recognized by the psychological board that she is an expert in DID.
We see her every week, she has fought hard for not only to prove I was discriminated against at Banner Health, but submitted everything she has to the Social Sincerity office to help prove to them I am, sadly incapable of working RIGHT NOW. We and her both believe once I can learn the coping skills to deal with my triggers, and we all can co-exist, we’ll be able to work.
However the downfall is I was tossed around from therapist to therapist, people who didn’t know what the hell they where talking about, and it ended up regressing any progress I had by myself. So we’re all sadly starting from ground zero. Most places in my state discriminate against those who have a service animal for psychological reasons, and have not been in the military (they seem to think you need to be in the military to have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder -_-).
We still try and apply to jobs, despite all this judgemental crap.

The scars we carry are a symbol of survival, who cares if there not ‘pretty’, though most won’t acknowledge this, those like us who have these scars, are indeed fighting the war everyday. It’s a different kind of war, it’s a war only we can see, and feel, and become wounded or killed by.
We have been abused, beaten down, experimented on, attacked, verbally insulted to the point we believe we are scum of the earth, sexually assaulted, raped, and yet we are still standing tall, moving forward… even if we fall back a few steps, we still manage to get back up and keep going.
We have support from very few people, but those people are what keep us from dying, keep us strong, help us up when we can’t stand on our own.
We have battle scars that could scare people, even those who have been in the military… I do. My family member who was in Special Ops and is a Sniper was horrified by what happened to me in middle to high school. He said he would kill them, but I told him what was the point now? 3 are dead from OD’s and suicide, and one is somewhere that I honestly don’t care where.
What’s done is done, all we can do is move forward. We all are fighting a war that most can’t see, but at least we have the scars to prove we survived.

One By One

My freeloading roommate is finally gone, so it’s a bit of fresh air now. My husband and I seem to have much more room now that she’s gone as well.
Turns out Cigna won’t do open enrollment until November…. So I’m stuck. It’s been extremely stressful getting my medications and at this time I’m ill with some kind of upper respiratory thing that I, sadly, cannot see a doctor about. So lots of bed rest, and cough drops.

Before my roommate was sent back to her home via plane, she tried to tell her family my DID was just like Split.
Here’s the thing, I get some people like the movie, and I get that others hated it. However for me, Everything about DID in it, is wrong. You don’t  switch so noticeably that people know, if you where harmful to yourself or others, you would be getting help or locked up sadly, not kidnapping people.
Honestly I could go on and on, but the point was Z lost it, he got up into her face, started yelling how she must be an idiot, etc. My husband had to come home and lock him in the bedroom… She kept thinking I needed to apologize, but I honestly didn’t remember…. Z went rogue.
I tried to say I was sorry he acted that way, but she said it didn’t mean anything. ugh, all I can say is I’m just happy she is gone.

A friend of mine said he will be coming over to start helping every week, helping around the house, giving me money to help catch up on bills, get groceries, etc. He feels guilty because he was the reason we let her stay. However honestly like I said to him, none of us knew she was going to use him, and freeload off us. Sadly we can’t predict that kind of thing until it happens. He keeps beating himself up, but we do what we can to make him feel less at fault.
All of us enjoy his friendship, including Emily. It’s funny, but I’m considered the Mom of my small little friend group, my husband the Dad. Una laughs at me about it, says now I get to see what she goes through jokingly.
Despite the annoyance of basic insurence that doesn’t cover my doctors or any of my medications…. and the stress of trying to get Social Security Disability until I can gain the coping skills to function within a normal job instead of breaking down or being triggered by a sound, smell, or even touch of something….
We’re surviving.

We found a LARP community through an old friend that is honestly fun, and we’re all getting into it. Emily wants to do one even, it’s quite amusing. I hope I keep having fun, Vera and I seem to be tag teaming the Sabbat game we joined, so I have high hopes.
Luckly, it’s once a month, and I should be all better when it comes around haha