Ying and Yang

The last week has been… tough. Putting Khala in lock up has taken a toll on me and the others, Vera is doing a wonderful job, but she knows it’s not her line of expertise. We went and saw the neurologist, our back pain has now descended into our legs, a deep aching kind of pain.
We’ve been placed on a neuro painkiller, and therapeutic doses of naperson. We’re still fighting with cigna, still fighting with Banner, still trying to just… function.
My husband and I talked in depth about what happened over the weekend, he apologized and said he would be more verbal about when he needs time or space. I also apologized for poking him with a stick basically.

Today we saw Gail, it went extremely well for the most part. I explained my frustration with my situation still, and how all of us are effected by this. We spoke about how the more medical problems we seem to have, the more we can’t help but wonder what else could there be.
But of course we just are agitated with everything and don’t want more things.
I was a hard, yet relieving session, Merlin even seemed to notice it was a much needed vent. She called and spoke with the psychiatrist whose receptionist told me I can’t bring my Service Dog due to people having allergies. He told her he will have a talk with her, and I was welcomed to go back and see him.
It made me feel a little better to know I have Gail backing me.

I recently read the new replacement bill for obamacare. They are making coverage for mental health ‘optional’ for insurance companies. It would effect me poorly, as 3 of my 4 doctors are covered under mental health, and 98% of my medication is through those doctors. Without my specialists, I won’t be able to function… I need them. It’s breaks my heart sadly that people think Mental Health isn’t important like ‘Medical Health’… We sometimes wonder if they ever stop to think that Mental and Medical could be the same thing…
Just because I don’t have a medical issue that doesn’t effect my daily life doesn’t mean my PTSD and DID doesn’t. I honestly am terrified of what will happen these next 4 years, and I am dreading this replacement, due to the negative effects it will have on not only us, but the rest of the mental health community. We are people too, just because it’s under a different name doesn’t mean we don’t deserve the same respect as someone with diabetes or something else.

Black Splatters

The last few days have been odd. First, we all had come to the decision to put Khala into Lock Up… it wasn’t easy, but she said the moment she gets the chance, she will kill herself and take us all with her.
Due to the threat, we had to lock her up, we didn’t have a choice.

Then two days later someone Khala duped wanted to just talk to me, he said he noticed something was off, but he made the choice to ignore it. So it was his fault for believing her, and that he wanted to still be friends.
A bit of background on him, I have known him for 4 or 5 years via gaming. He knows I have DID, and has met a few others besides Khala. I told him I will talk to my husband, but that turned into a giant ball of mess.
He doesn’t seem to want to trust that ‘lock up’ will work. Its stressful, and hard to explain. I attempted to have Gail explain it to him, but that only seemed to make it worse. He said it wasn’t emergent, but the stress of it was what was chasing issues, and sadly I ended up switching to Alice for a few hours.

Then due to Khala destroying my husbands bank account, and him disputing the charges, my email account is gone. I had to make a new one… I have been telling people who don’t know I was hacked. It seems easier then explaining the real situation.
So I had to change my e-mail on everything, and go down to the attorney generals office and give them my new e-mail address.
When we got home, I told my husband about my neurologist appointment and I needed money for the co-pay, I didn’t hear him the first time so I asked what he said and he yelled at me ‘I will think of something’ I told him he didn’t have to yell, but I guess he said it for the third time…
He then started tapping his keys hard, I told him I was sorry if I upset him and not to do that, he said he wasn’t, then he slammed a bunch of his keys. I said he didn’t need to do that, and he said ‘You’re accusing me, so I might as well do something to deserve it.’

I went and cried in the bathroom before Alice numbed me out. Everything is getting harder for me since Khala’s lock up. Everyone has to get use to her not being around, including me. Due to the sudden rip, I am having a hard time with stress, and sadly, understanding things. I feel like I am being belittled by my husband, I know it isn’t like that, but that’s how it feels. I feel extremely small in this house, like if I stay in it I am going to suffocate.
I feel incomplete and it sucks really bad.

Slivers

I’ve been adding more and more to my ‘Life Playlist’ as of late, I keep finding songs. Someday I will have to post it for you all, but I need to finish what they represent.

Speaking with Gail yesterday helped me a bit with the Khala issue. Vera knows everyone’s jobs, so she has no issue taking over for a bit while we discuss Khala’s sentence. She will be extremely upset when she realizes she can’t come out after a week is up… if it takes months, it will. My husband and I talked over what he said to me, he agreed he shouldn’t of worded it the way he did, and next time he will not make the same mistake.

I had someone from my past come back recently, it was… terrifying. He was invited over by another person while I was hanging out with his 3 roommates. Merlin immediately got in between me and him before he started trying to make small talk.
He then said something that triggered me in a way I haven’t had in a very, very long time.
‘O hey do you still claim you have other parts? I mean, that was total bullshit right?’

I lunged at him, Merlin managed to bark right before I hit him. My 3 friends came to my defense, explaining he needed to leave due to his dickness. My closest friend walked out with him, and then proceeded to scream at him outside.
Telling him how dare he think I was lying, and if he still thinks that he was never a real friend to me. My friend knew long before I told him… he said it didn’t shock him when I was diagnosed with DID.
He then started to say things like what if he thought he was lying about his autism, and even before the guy could defend it, my friend said I had a real medical diagnosis of DID, just like his diagnosis of high functioning autism, and to believe otherwise is to discriminate against him, me, and everyone else who are like us.

I couldn’t really hear the rest, since Emily and I where having spats. However thankfully, Merlin was there to quell the flames of Emily. When my friend came back in, he dropped to his knees and hugged me gently, and cried with me.
Sometimes I forget there are those slivers of support around me. People who understand what I am dealing with, and even have done some research to better understand how much I go through.

I am so thankful for that.

Betrayal

I have been feeling great that my alters are finally starting to work with me, however my husband confirmed my worst possible fear.
Khala has played me, she said she wanted to learn to be more responsible, causing me to think that finally she was maturing…. and I wouldn’t have to worry. Since January, she has been feeding off my bank account, then when she couldn’t anymore, she went after my husbands.
He now has disputed over 600 dollars in charges… he is furious, I don’t blame him. I was played like a fiddle, believing she really did want to change…
Guess that’s what I get for believing a sociopath.

My husband won’t look at me, or even come near me… I really can’t fault him. Even through Khala is an alter, she is still me. How can you be affectionate to someone after they idiotically got played…? You just can’t.
I am glad I have Gail tomorrow, that way we can figure out where to go from here. Since I can no longer take her word on anything, Una has put Khala within her room. The others are containing her so she can’t do anymore damage, however Una tells me it’s not my fault, I couldn’t of predicted it… but I can’t help but feel it is. I should of noticed something while it was going on, but I guess I just blindly believed her.

I’m hurt, frustrated, betrayed, angry, and above all…. broken by this… I really thought we were progressing, guess not.

Frustration

Cigna keeps asking for more things, and it’s starting to take its toll. Gail finally gave them my entire chart, hoping that would be enough to make them happy….
Why can’t people just understand I NEED my service animal for more then just psychiatric stuff? He is also a Medical Alert Dog… if they just let me have him I would be able to work with no issues and be amazing.
O well…

Recently someone decided to pick up my medication without letting me know, it was a medication I cannot just stop. So it was a race to find it, and after I did, I told everyone I wouldn’t be mad or anything, I just needed to know if they meant to do this to help, or to play a trick.
Khala told me she wanted to help, but got distracted when she got back home. So I told her in the future, maybe we can do it together. I am proud of her, as of late she has been doing some maturing. It’s making progression much easier.

Recently I have looked at my ‘life playlist’, a list of songs I match to events and alters, trying to piece which song matches to what event or alter. Surprisingly it’s a lot harder then I thought it would be. We all had to help each other, and piece together an almost 5 page word document. The next step? We plan to write descriptions. Gail thinks it would be a good start to have a project we all can collaborate on, and if it’s to hard for one of us to do the description, we move onto a easier song.
I am not entirely sure why this is helpful, but we all agreed to do it.
She also asked us to call hospitals outside of banner, and find out if a Service Dog would be allowed for employees and patients. She wants me to see if every MRI department would say no, or if Banner is being a jack ass.

I have a job interview this week, so I am just hopeful that I can just get out of banner, and continue my lawsuit, without them all hovering and making me feel like garbage for having something I had no choice in…
I will never forget that. They basically tell me to ‘control it’ or ‘get better already’… If you have never read any material on DID or done research, then you have NO ROOM to talk. We can’t control what triggers us, we can’t control who has to come out and when AND for how long… NO I CANNOT CONTROL THE ALTER WHOSE OUT…. askdljfhaserlkjfnasrelgn…..

Apologies… that’s that most frustrating thing I ALWAYS get asked… People with DID have no control over what there alters do when there active. I have always tried to make it a rule between all of us that it will be reported to the collective, regardless if it was good or bad. So that the core can deal with it if needed, or if someone else has too.
They all have been doing this more frequently, including me. We all seem to be functioning a bit better with the help we are getting from Gail, and of course the fact Merlin makes us feel safe 10000000000000000000000000000% of the time, it makes switches last not as long and he even provents 95% of the switches, just because it isn’t 100% Banner said no? Whatever. The fact he’s at 95% is better then I have EVER been…. seriously.

Sliver of Hope

Yesterday went well, the DID psychiatrist was interesting. She wants my previous blood work, and seems to want to do a psychiatric genetic test… I thought it was interesting.
However during the encounter, it was very… uncomfortable.

She kept asking about the abuse, the bullying. I was having a hard time keeping my anxiety levels down, Merlin kept alerting me, but I ignored him… until he decided to crawl into my lap. It was something he only does when I keep ignoring him to the point I am on a borderline of switching, he crawled into my lap to help interrupt it… it worked. The Psychiatrist seemed impressed by Merlin, she even told me it was impressive.

However after finding out I have 10 alters all together slightly erks me, though 3 are in lock up, I still am not entirely sure why I even have them. Vera has been coming around more, she explained its safer for me if they remain locked up, due to the damage they can cause not only to me, but to my life and loved ones. Vera told me there names finally, but I guess it doesn’t really matter much… they can’t really come out anyways.
Recently I have been dealing with people who seem to not understand the concept of ‘no drama’ or ‘non-judgement’.
They seem to keep picking fights and attacking others, and when I watch my friends defend them, they get attacked instead. Una is to the point now she is itching for a fight of wits… the others just are not exactly sure what to do.
Emily thinks we should track them down and ‘teach’ them the lesson… but we had to explain how not only is that a bad idea, but it would screw us all.

I finally made a list of things I need to do around my home, Gail suggested I don’t need to do it all, just one at a time. She said when I do laundry or dishes that doing one load or even just the forks of the silverware is okay, and I should be proud I got one thing done. My husband even said something similar, so I am going to try and take it one task at a time instead of burning myself out…. My biggest goal is to be able to walk Merlin at least twice a day, I am so inconsistent with it, it really harms my ability to handle him. I managed to walk him this morning, so I am just hoping to do it this evening.
We really wish to get everything straightened so we can start planning things out for the layout, such as painting, expansion, etc.
My depression is getting a bit better with all the support, and with my mother person being as helpful as she is with my taxes and bills, it’s starting to lift a giant black cloud from my brain.